[BluSkyy]

NOTE: I apologize for this post's length and appreciate anyone who reads through it. Thank you for your time!

I know my mom loves me and cares about me. But sometimes she says things that lower my self-worth and make me feel bad about myself. It started in my first year of high school. I didn't get the best grades but she made it seem like I had no future whatsoever. At first, I cried my own mother would think that, then I began to believe her. She would continue to make me feel bad throughout the rest of high school, whether she was aware of it or not.

Sometimes, if I messed something up, she would call me out on it, bring my my past mistakes, and even insult with bad names. Other times, she would be take a teacher role and show me what I'm doing wrong and correct me. But mostly she just yells at me, and I can tell she's just taking out her anger of a completely unrelated problem out on me. If I fight back, she just yells at me more.

Eventually, I got used to her fits and yelling and name-calling. I would try to block out her mean words. But there's only so much I could take. Every now and then she would say something that would cause me to break. I would cry when my parents are asleep because my mom angrily questions why I'm crying, like I have no reason to be sad.

Enter my brilliant idea to move out and be on my own. I'm 18, have no job or work experience. I set realistic goals to move out once I got a stable job (and save up some money) after I get my bachelor's. So I don't expect to move out for a few years. I even convinced to friend to room with me so we can split the rent. However, my mom did not take that idea too kindly when she checked my phone while I was showering. (No privacy, for shame.)

She went ballistic and kept asking me why I wanted to leave. I tried to explain it was a) because I would have to leave sometime and b) I couldn't take her constantly putting me down. She didn't listen and called my dad, crying. He had to leave work to come home and sort things out. I tried to explain it wasn't like I going to leave overnight and when I do leave I would come back to visit.

My mom just accused me of abandoning her and being ungrateful. She didn't speak to me for a few days. Now we're walking on eggshells. For years she's always using the "your dad works two jobs to support us" card to guilt me into getting good grades and, recently, into not leaving. She lived with her mom until she got married at 27 (and then moved to the United States) and probably expects me to do the same thing. Moving from my parents' house to my husband's house does not appeal to me, and I tried explaining this, but my mom just CAN'T understand. She was raised in a different land with different principles. But I think differently and sometimes I feel she's trying to make me feel bad for having different ideas. She said that the least I could do is show gratitude by getting a job to help my parents with the bills instead of running off with a random friend to Lord-knows-where.

My mom can be controlling and gives the impression she must always be right, even when I KNOW she isn't. But when I try to explain that to her she shuts me out or redirects the conversation to put me at fault. She says everyone is accusing her of being the bad guy and then plays the victim. She has issues she does not want to face with therapy and I doubt she'll send me to therapy even though my aunt recommends it.

I know she's my mom and she cares about me but sometimes she treats me like a lowly employee instead of her daughter. She orders me around, even for obvious tasks like washing the dishes after eating. I sometimes call her out on it because I'm not an idiot and have to be told every little thing.

I don't like coming home and try to stay as long as I can at school. I don't like to talking to her cause either she just pretends to listen or wants to get information out of me so she can hurt me with it later. She made me stop talking to my friend because she resents her for "encouraging" me to move out instead of telling me that I'm making a mistake. I tried reasoning that "maybe she thought she had no right to criticize my decision, unlike a certain someone." My mother just claimed that because she's my mother she can criticize my decisions.

I'm tired of being insulted, being yelled at, and being the sole person who's wrong in this current situation. I want to get away from my mom, but I'm forced to stay because I can't support myself financially yet. I can't even "take a walk" to cool off if our arguments get heated because I'm afraid to come back and have my existence ignored AGAIN.

Our relationship is strained because of our clashing personalities, especially now with my idea of leaving. My mother won't listen to/understand my reasoning, and I doubt she ever will considering how she was raised. So far, I think removing myself from the situation is the best solution, albeit it will take a few years, but I know this isn't the only one. How can we mend our relationship before it worsens?

[unaluna]

You cant fix this relationship. If i were you (and believe me, i WAS you, 40-some years ago) i would talk to school counselors to see about going to college on my own dime if your grades are good enough. Get out asap, she is just going to ruin your life.

[NWgirl2013]

You will no doubt get a lot of responses as I am pretty sure Hankster and I are not the only ones who came from something like you describe.

If I had a do-over, I would do as Hankster said, find a way to get out and go to school, sooner than later.
Your self worth is critical. And right now, it is being squashed.

You will not regret getting out and learning to fend for yourself, so get going, talk to a school counselor about your options and be as open minded as you can be about places you can go to get an education. There are many wonderful places! Look into working at the school as well, there are often options to work for the school to help pay off your tuition. There are ways, is what I am saying. I only wish someone had been there to guide and encourage me to make better choices back then.

My mom told me an education would be wasted on me, I was only going to be lucky to find someone to marry me....! Yep! She said all that and more. I went on to be an educator and if I had listened to her, who knows what I would have ended up with. (good lord!)

In my experience, the relationship got better as I got older & had some distance. It gave her time to settle down and actually appreciate my accomplishments and gave me time to forgive her for pounding me mercilessly into the ground.
We both were better for accepting the normal ebb and flow of growing up.

I wish you so much good luck as you go forward! Keep us posted! We will always be happy to cheer you on!

[BluSkyy]

Hankster and NWgirl2013, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post! I forgot to mention one detail: I'm actually already in college (well, community college). My grades weren't that great in high school (though I did get accepted to Rutgers-Newark; couldn't go because it was too expensive). My grades are better now, though.

However, I did talk to counselor in my college nd he said I'll have to be strong and try to endure, seeing how I can't really distance myself from my mom. I live under her roof and see her every day. The situation is out of my control.

I guess Hankster isn't that off about not being able to fix the relationship. After all, one cannot change someone else's personality. But I hope in the future it will become like NWgirl2013's. Only time will tell...

I just really wish my mom would consider therapy. I know she has suffered a lot in her day and has some unresolved issues. I can see the misery on her face when things go wrong. It's like her world is crashing down. But then she has to take it out on me! It's not right!

[Rose76]

You seem to be getting way ahead of yourself. Until you can support yourself, you don't need to be getting into arguments with your mother about you moving out. Now, if the desire to move out and be independent serves as your inspiration to make it through school and find a job that will allow you to be your own person, then that makes tons of sense to me. My father was somewhat like your mother, and the desire to get out from under his roof motivated me to get myself independent.

Being independent of your parents is a normal, healthy goal for a person your age. It has two levels. One level is the actual physical independence of living separately. The other level is the psychological independence. That's when you get to where you do not need for your mom to agree with what you are planning in order for you to feel you have a right to your own plans.

When you are in the shower, can you not lock your phone, so your mom can't get into it? Can you not lock the bathroom door? Your mom doesn't respect appropriate boundaries. She will always be that way. So you have to use some strategy to maintain your boundaries. That includes what goes on in your head. It's your business, not hers. It's not for her to start thinking about what you should do when you get your bachelor's degree. Of course, a parent is going to have dreams. That's her right. She can pick what her dreams for you are. That's within her boundaries. Meanwhile, you come up with your own vision for your future and lay the groundwork to get there, and don't go advertising how your vision of your future differs from hers. That's just looking for conflict.

It's great that you are away at school. That's a terrific chance to have some freedom. Besides the physical independence that comes with having your own income and your own place to live, you need psychological independence. You have to recognize that you do not need your parents approval for everything. Yes, you need to abide the rules they set as a member of their household. But you are telling us that your mother made you stop talking to a friend? How is that possible when you are 18 years old?

You are wanting for you and your mom to be on the same page about too many things. That is psychological dependence. You are hoping for therapy to put the two of you more in harmony. That's a pipe dream. You think you need therapy because your aunt recommend it. Let your aunt and your mom have their ideas, and you come up with your own. Work toward making them reality. You'll get there. Meantime, avoid useless conflict.

[BluSkyy]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Being independent of your parents is a normal, healthy goal for a person your age. It has two levels. One level is the actual physical independence of living separately. The other level is the psychological independence. That's when you get to where you do not need for your mom to agree with what you are planning in order for you to feel you have a right to your own plans.

I didn't know about these two levels. I think I would benefit a lot from learning how to become psychologically independent because you hit the nail on the head about me not needing my mom to agree with my plans. I know I have a right to my own plans and decisions, but what I don't like is when I'm told they're the "wrong" decisions. How is it wrong to leave the nest once I complete my college and achieve a career and a sound salary?

Originally Posted by Rose76

When you are in the shower, can you not lock your phone, so your mom can't get into it? Can you not lock the bathroom door?

Yes, I lock both. But my mom made me give her the lock pattern when I first got my phone because I shouldn't have anything to hide, and I don't. Doesn't mean I appreciate snooping.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Meanwhile, you come up with your own vision for your future and lay the groundwork to get there, and don't go advertising how your vision of your future differs from hers. That's just looking for conflict.

I agree. I won't go advertising. I wish to stay conflict-free as long as possible.

Originally Posted by Rose76

It's great that you are away at school. That's a terrific chance to have some freedom. Besides the physical independence that comes with having your own income and your own place to live, you need psychological independence. You have to recognize that you do not need your parents approval for everything. Yes, you need to abide the rules they set as a member of their household. But you are telling us that your mother made you stop talking to a friend? How is that possible when you are 18 years old?

I don't understand what you mean by "away at school". I'm not away at school. I commute. By bus, too. And yes I'm 18. Am I supposed to a stereotypical rebel, sneak out the window, and meet up with my friends at a rave? I don't have a car. I rarely visit my friends; they have to come to my house because my mom doesn't know who their families are or how safe their homes are. That's how old-school Hispanic mothers roll. At first she was iffy about my friend because she suffers depression. Now she resents her for "being a bad influence" and doesn't want her in her house. I chat with her every now and then, but it's not the same as hanging out in person. And this bothers me because I have very few friends and it's already hard enough to communicate with them since my mother doesn't approve of them because they're black or they "look sneaky" (what does that even mean?) or they aren't your typical straight-A white/Asian/whatever girl who can speak three languages fluently.

Originally Posted by Rose76

You are wanting for you and your mom to be on the same page about too many things. That is psychological dependence. You are hoping for therapy to put the two of you more in harmony. That's a pipe dream. You think you need therapy because your aunt recommend it. Let your aunt and your mom have their ideas, and you come up with your own. Work toward making them reality. You'll get there. Meantime, avoid useless conflict.

I interpret this as just focusing on my own bit-ness, let the haters hate, and work towards making it rain.

Ok, no, in all seriousness my main objective is to live with as little drama as possible. I thank you for your insightful input and will look more into psychological independence. Thank you.

[Rose76]

You do have a tough struggle to become your own person. Your mom is way too controlling, and she is not going to validate your attempts to get out from under that control. She will do this for the rest of your life to the extent that she can get away with it. Some day when you get married, she will see your husband as her arch rival. She will micro-manage you any way she can. She will have opinions on every move you make. This can be stifling to your growth as a human being.

Learn to keep your thoughts to yourself when around her. She is monitoring you to see what inkling of independence you might have so she can squash it before it blooms. So don't give her material to work with. You're never going to "talk" her into seeing things differently. Your mom is going to think a lot of your decisions are wrong. That's her privilege. If you feel you need your mom to agree with your decisions, then you'll never really do anything on your own. There is nothing to gain by getting into arguments about what you are going to do 2 or 3 or 4 years from now. Concentrate on what you need to do now.

I thought you were going to a college where you lived away - like in a dorm. That would be the greatest thing in the world for you. It would horrify your mother, but it would be good for you. It does cost a lot of money. If you will commute to college from home, then the good thing there is you will have less debt piling up. If you can possibly get a part-time job, that would be good for you, as long as it doesn't interfere with your school work. During the summer, if you are not in school, then you should absolutely work at anything you can find.

I take it your mom is paying for your phone. If she is, then it is not truly your phone. A sensible mother would not be so intrusive, but your mom is. She is giving you the phone on the condition that she can use it to monitor you. Your best bet is to realize that it is not truly yours and avoid having anything in it that she can use against you. It's not good to have to hide things, but when you're dealing with someone who snoops, that's what you kind of have to do. Explain to any friends that your mom is way too much up in your business and that you have to not give her ammunition to use against you. You have to be discreet. Explain that to your friends. There's things you just can't discuss in front of your mother.

At age 18, your mom really has no right to keep you a prisoner in her home. I don't advocate sneaking out the window. However, if your mom has a rule that you cannot leave the premises without her permission, then you might consider doing some rebelling. It sounds like your mother has you on "house-arrest." That is no way to live.

Your mom has way too much information about everything. Like she knows about your friend having depression. That would be a normal thing to share with a normal mother. But your mom is not normal. From now on make it a point to tell her next to nothing about people in your life. Keeping you isolated from friends is a way of maximizing control over you. It's also a form of abuse.

This is a really tough situation you are in. As long as you are financially dependent on your parents, your mom will use that to control you. It sounds like it will be a few years before you can support yourself. Meantime, keep yourself mentally independent by not sharing thoughts with you mom that she will just argue with you over. Do your best to find some employment. You may be forced to do a little rebelling, which is hard in a family such as yours.

[healingme4me]

Tough position. But advice my gram gave me, having lived on her own, er, with roommate, for a couple years getting after high school education, was, make sure you live independent before marrying a man. I feel, she found it benefited her, settled her, before marriage, kids, living with inlaws. She and my grandfather fulfilled their vows, happily, healthily married, best friends, even.
Best advice! She was still close to her mom, same town even, oldest child, as well.
It's ok, to want this. Wasn't standard americana behavior, during those years, either....not for a woman.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[BluSkyy]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You do have a tough struggle to become your own person. Your mom is way too controlling, and she is not going to validate your attempts to get out from under that control. She will do this for the rest of your life to the extent that she can get away with it. Some day when you get married, she will see your husband as her arch rival. She will micro-manage you any way she can. She will have opinions on every move you make. This can be stifling to your growth as a human being.

Learn to keep your thoughts to yourself when around her. She is monitoring you to see what inkling of independence you might have so she can squash it before it blooms. So don't give her material to work with. You're never going to "talk" her into seeing things differently. Your mom is going to think a lot of your decisions are wrong. That's her privilege. If you feel you need your mom to agree with your decisions, then you'll never really do anything on your own. There is nothing to gain by getting into arguments about what you are going to do 2 or 3 or 4 years from now. Concentrate on what you need to do now.

I thought you were going to a college where you lived away - like in a dorm. That would be the greatest thing in the world for you. It would horrify your mother, but it would be good for you. It does cost a lot of money. If you will commute to college from home, then the good thing there is you will have less debt piling up. If you can possibly get a part-time job, that would be good for you, as long as it doesn't interfere with your school work. During the summer, if you are not in school, then you should absolutely work at anything you can find.

I take it your mom is paying for your phone. If she is, then it is not truly your phone. A sensible mother would not be so intrusive, but your mom is. She is giving you the phone on the condition that she can use it to monitor you. Your best bet is to realize that it is not truly yours and avoid having anything in it that she can use against you. It's not good to have to hide things, but when you're dealing with someone who snoops, that's what you kind of have to do. Explain to any friends that your mom is way too much up in your business and that you have to not give her ammunition to use against you. You have to be discreet. Explain that to your friends. There's things you just can't discuss in front of your mother.

At age 18, your mom really has no right to keep you a prisoner in her home. I don't advocate sneaking out the window. However, if your mom has a rule that you cannot leave the premises without her permission, then you might consider doing some rebelling. It sounds like your mother has you on "house-arrest." That is no way to live.

Your mom has way too much information about everything. Like she knows about your friend having depression. That would be a normal thing to share with a normal mother. But your mom is not normal. From now on make it a point to tell her next to nothing about people in your life. Keeping you isolated from friends is a way of maximizing control over you. It's also a form of abuse.

This is a really tough situation you are in. As long as you are financially dependent on your parents, your mom will use that to control you. It sounds like it will be a few years before you can support yourself. Meantime, keep yourself mentally independent by not sharing thoughts with you mom that she will just argue with you over. Do your best to find some employment. You may be forced to do a little rebelling, which is hard in a family such as yours.

Thank you so much for this. It helped open my eyes to some things and it kinda scares to know that my mom might always be like this. You would think as a mother she'd at least try to lengthen the leash so I can slowly become independent. Isn't that the point of having children? To teach them how to survive on their own? To raise them with values and principles so that they know right from wrong? To teach them not to become dependent on anyone else? To grow and become their own person? I remember I tried to explain this on the day of our argument about me moving out (and mind you, that was just an IDEA that won't be realized for several years) and it just flew right over her head. She kept saying something about family, family, family.

And it's funny she might see my future husband as an arch-rival since she's always saying she hopes a "good man" will fall in love with me. Then again, it's impossible to reach her standards so I shouldn't be too surprised. I also can't believe I failed to realize that "my" phone isn't really mine. How could that have slipped my mind?

Usually I delete conversations to prevent conflict/drama because her snooping is nothing new. But she hasn't asked to see my phone for a while so I just left it alone and--BAM. "I can't believe you're talking to your friend about leaving behind my back!" I swear I was so tempted to just smash the phone. I think it was the fact that I was being secretive about my plans that angered her even more.

She's stated a multitude of times that she hates lying, and she sees hiding something from her as lying. But she's hippocratic because I witness her lying every now and then to my dad about how much money she spends when she goes shopping.

So what I'm seeing here is: She's the one with all the authority, right? She's the one who can set the rules. Plot twist: She sets the rules but they don't apply to her. ...What?

In regards of telling her about people, I feed her only breadcrumbs about my life because experience taught me she wants to load an ammo for future attacks. I've learned to take on a somewhat detached mentality when she asks me about my day. I tell her only what I saw happening to other people rather than what I personally experienced.

And I'm starting to see what you mean about my mom and I never being on the same page. She's entitled to her opinions and judgments. But I just thought that because she's my mother, the one person who is supposed to support me and love me unconditionally, she could at least think "Well I don't like it! But I'll try to accept it"; not that I'm questioning her love or anything. But would it kill her to swallow her pride and roll with it every once in a blue moon? Or at least not bash my decisions whenever she gets the chance?

Just what am I supposed to be learning?

This summer I'll be taking a lot of classes so I can graduate from community college this fall. I'm hoping I could also work part-time at the company my dad works at. I would really like to make some money of my own but my fear is that my mom will want to "borrow" it to pay bills/debt. In the past, she would claim she'd already pay me back but why would she bother if the money wasn't mine to begin with? It's more like an allowance my dad gives from his earnings, which I save for myself, and then I give it up because my family has to pay off a lot of debts. Even if I do get a part-time and reason "It's mine! I earned this money!" she'll just lecture about family, family, family helping each other and that she'll pay me back even though she knows any money she finds will goes to paying off debt/bills/rent. I mean, I wouldn't mind helping with the rent; after all, I'm not a savage. But the way she asks for things...they're orders. Like I have no say in the matter.

*sigh* I don't know. I'm tired.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Tough position. But advice my gram gave me, having lived on her own, er, with roommate, for a couple years getting after high school education, was, make sure you live independent before marrying a man. I feel, she found it benefited her, settled her, before marriage, kids, living with inlaws. She and my grandfather fulfilled their vows, happily, healthily married, best friends, even.
Best advice! She was still close to her mom, same town even, oldest child, as well.
It's ok, to want this. Wasn't standard americana behavior, during those years, either....not for a woman.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I don't think it's a standard for old-school Hispanics either! But that's actually what I was hoping of doing...of living independently before getting married. It's just that my mom's against it. But I mean...that's not her call.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by BluSkyy

I just thought that because she's my mother, the one person who is supposed to support me and love me unconditionally, she could at least think "Well I don't like it! But I'll try to accept it"; . . . . . would it kill her to swallow her pride and roll with it every once in a blue moon? Or at least not bash my decisions whenever she gets the chance?

Just what am I supposed to be learning?

You are learning quite a lot. Your mom has got some other serious issues, besides being over-controlling of you. She probably will eventually accept things that she can not change, but only when it gets to the point that she loses her power. So don't bother looking for acceptance ahead of time. Don't fight tomorrow's battles today. How mothers are supposed to be and how they are can be very different. We have to live in the reality that life presents us with.

It sounds like you already have evolved some sensible strategies for coping with your mom. To some extent, your mom is using this mantra of "family, family" as a smokescreen. She is the one who may be undermining the family with her spending habits. That's not something you can address at this stage of your life. It's between her and your father. But if sure helps take the heat off her to be complaining to your dad about you. She's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any . . . and I do think it's, in part, to put up that smokescreen. I'll bet your dad bends over backwards to avoid conflict with her. He probably gives in a lot on things, which is him enabling her "sickness." So, if she's got him beat down and cowed (I may be wrong.), then she turns to her next victim, you. She uses a good offence as the best defense. Make a commotion over what others in the family are doing, so what she does slides by.

All of this is not to say that she doesn't love you. Just because someone loves us doesn't guarantee that they will treat us right. So that's what you are dealing with. You just have to out-maneuver her. That will be a constant challenge for you, but you'll come out of all this a wiser person. All through life there will be people who challenge you, and you will be that much better at dealing with it because you got such an early start. Trust me, every adversity you are experiencing can make you a more capable person down the line.

Some day you will be out of there and on your own. It will taste so sweet to finally be able to breath free. She will have less leverage, and she won't like it. She'll find something else to use . . . like how her health problems arise, as she gets older . . . and how you owe her so much . . . yada, yada. She ain't gunna stop. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, or can't, love her. But you are going to have to out-fox her.

So don't fight now over what you may do in 2 or 3 years time. None of us knows if we will be alive then. Focus on now. How great that you are getting those classes in during the summer and getting closer to that degree. Work, if you can, but I can see where that gets demoralizing with a mother who will begrudge you keeping any of it. Is she paying your college fees? Maybe it's appropriate for you to give her part of your income. (Or start paying more of your own bills.) Working would be good because it would get you out of that house more and around other people more.

Keep up the strategies you've found helpful. More will occur to you. (You're a bright young woman.) Look forward to the day when you are out of there, and make the best of it, while you are there. Most of all: don't get into debates with her. It's a complete waste of your time and breath. Also, it's a way of her feeling empowered over you. Lastly, you might consider sneaking out the back door, once in a while, and staying gone for a few hours. I know that's outright rebellion, but, in your case, it's not morally wrong. You will catch he!! for it, but that's okay. She will see that you defying her doesn't kill her. And you will see that it doesn't kill you. That suggestion of mine is controversial. Many would not agree with it. But age 18 is way to old to be under house arrest. Good luck.