[Viuam]

I had originally posted this on the depression forum. I suffer from severe depression with obsessive traits. There's a generous portion of anxiety to add to the mix as well. I don't know what to do with myself and I am freaking out. Pasted previous post below. Please, if someone knows what to do, I need help.

Like everyone here, I struggle with feelings if deep self loathing and very low self esteem. But I also have a tendency to obsess over bad things, like when I lost my job or my several horrible break ups. Those of you who have read my posts know that right now it's a break up. I wait until I see something new on some social media or texting app, and every time I see the tiniest update I feel like ****. Last time I did this I got my brother to block certain things on my computer, but now he's not around. Also, with my phone and iPad that tactic doesn't work. So I don't know how to stop and I HATE it. I sometimes think that I should be posting in the relationships forum, but I really think that this more a problem with my disease than the actual relationship, which sucked. I am very aware that it sucked and have no good memories, but I hate myself and hate him and have a lot of anger and pride and loathing coursing through me like poison. I write about it here because it's about me hating myself and hurting myself and I can't stop it.

[arachnophobia.kid]

I think it's good that you are recognizing these traits in yourself (low self esteem, obsession, depression) and that you are keen on addressing them. If I understand correctly, you feel it is self destructive to be updating yourself on your ex's life, and yet you can't stop. Is that what's happening?

When it comes down to it I think this is normal for someone dealing with a break up. I'm so sorry for your pain and how extreme it must be right now. The truth is that it's going to take some time and it's going to be painful but you will come out of this. I'm glad to see that you're reaching out here and I think you're already on the right path towards recovering from your loss, just stay the course now, and keep reaching out!

Feel free to PM me anytime if you are feeling very low and need someone.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

I think it's good that you are recognizing these traits in yourself (low self esteem, obsession, depression) and that you are keen on addressing them. If I understand correctly, you feel it is self destructive to be updating yourself on your ex's life, and yet you can't stop. Is that what's happening?

When it comes down to it I think this is normal for someone dealing with a break up. I'm so sorry for your pain and how extreme it must be right now. The truth is that it's going to take some time and it's going to be painful but you will come out of this. I'm glad to see that you're reaching out here and I think you're already on the right path towards recovering from your loss, just stay the course now, and keep reaching out!

Feel free to PM me anytime if you are feeling very low and need someone.

Thanks, but the problem is precisely that I'm NOT dealing with it. It just keeps going and going and I can't stop it, and it triggers anxiety attacks every time I read something new. I know feeling bad is normal, but I can't let go. I choose badly in the first place for many reasons, then when it blows up I go over and over and pour over every detail long after the other person has moved on. Granted, my taste is horrible and I'm not breaking up from normal guys. I get the selfish manipulative and cheating ones. Twice in a row. The first time it took me a year to stop obsessing, and to this day I can't say that I wish him well. This second time I chose an even more awful specimen, so there's more material to be angry over.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by Viuam

Thanks, but the problem is precisely that I'm NOT dealing with it. It just keeps going and going and I can't stop it, and it triggers anxiety attacks every time I read something new. I know feeling bad is normal, but I can't let go. I choose badly in the first place for many reasons, then when it blows up I go over and over and pour over every detail long after the other person has moved on. Granted, my taste is horrible and I'm not breaking up from normal guys. I get the selfish manipulative and cheating ones. Twice in a row. The first time it took me a year to stop obsessing, and to this day I can't say that I wish him well. This second time I chose an even more awful specimen, so there's more material to be angry over.

I guess I would define this painful process your going through as part of "dealing with it", but I do see what you mean. You continue mulling things over and so it doesn't feel like you're moving on or that you can't let go. I empathize with that.

You may be having trouble letting go but I find hope in that you seem to have a desire to improve your situation, you're acknowledging your weaknesses, and you're also talking about it here. These are steps in the right direction! To me at least, it seems like great progress.

If this is too personal you don't have to answer of course, but it seems like you have a low opinion of him now. In that case, why do you think you are still so strongly attached to him?

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

I guess I would define this painful process your going through as part of "dealing with it", but I do see what you mean. You continue mulling things over and so it doesn't feel like you're moving on or that you can't let go. I empathize with that.

You may be having trouble letting go but I find hope in that you seem to have a desire to improve your situation, you're acknowledging your weaknesses, and you're also talking about it here. These are steps in the right direction! To me at least, it seems like great progress.

If this is too personal you don't have to answer of course, but it seems like you have a low opinion of him now. In that case, why do you think you are still so strongly attached to him?

Pride. Impotence. Really would like karma to be on my side for once and have something bad happen to him. Anger at myself. Anger at him. I do have a very low opinion of him. He treated me like dirt. But I LET him treat me that way.

Edit: I'm not attached to him the way you would think. I don't miss him as a person, he was horrible. I am afraid of being alone and angry at another failure. But mostly, I am very frustrated that he doesn't feel bad about what he did, and that in all likelihood he won't pay for it, just like the last guy. They just ride off into the sunset without a care, and I am left picking up the pieces for years.

[LaborIntensive]

Well it's good to get it out and not keep it all bagged up!

[arachnophobia.kid]

I think if you forgive him, you will win. Forgive yourself too.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

I think if you forgive him, you will win. Forgive yourself too.

Cheers to that, though I doubt it. We'll see how things go, but I will probably never see him again. With time I imagine that the intensity will fade, but this is just one more dent of permanent damage for me.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by Viuam

Cheers to that, though I doubt it. We'll see how things go, but I will probably never see him again. With time I imagine that the intensity will fade, but this is just one more dent of permanent damage for me.

Yeah... I get that, it's much easier said than done. I'm just concerned that your anger and your desire for revenge is really what is keeping you from healing, I suppose it's part of your process though. I'm glad to see that you're at least confident that eventually this will pass, even if it does leave a scar. In the meantime I wish you all the best in coping.

[Viuam]

I thought today that maybe I should erase my Instagram account completely and just hide my iPad until I can cope. Maybe give it to someone and tell them not no give it back for a bit. Then I will be limited to a computer, which can be monitored and blocked like the last time. I am already very isolated anyway. I don't know what to do about my phone though. I don't really speak to anyone anyway, just one or two people apart from my parents. But not having one in this day and age seems pretty drastic.