[933127]

My sister met his boyfriend at a local community college around 2010. Around 2012 my sister introduced her boyfriend to the family. His appearance was not something I liked. He had a nose ring, an array of tattoos on both arms, and large black stud earrings. He pretty much looked like one of those hipsters/goths type of guys. During dinner he was very polite. My parents wanted to know a little bit about him. He told us what high school he went to. Went to community college and met my sister and got his associates in photography. Couldn’t find a job with his associates and decided to go to hair/salon school. However he recently dropped out of hair school. He’s hoping to provide for himself financially by creating his own band or opening his own music studio. Here were my worries. He seemed to have unrealistic optimism that he is going to make it big one day with a heavy metal band or music studio. Second the high school he went to is a private school where most of the students who go there are from wealthy prestigious families. However it is also a school parents in our area send their kids to if they have been expelled from the public school system for bad/troubled behavior.

Many weeks after the dinner invitation he sends me a facebook request and I accepted it. I examined his facebook profile and I did not like what I saw. He had several pictures of himself sticking out his middle finger. He had several pictures of himself fooling around too much with his friends. The videos he had also were not something that pleased me.

In one video he sneaks behind one of his friend who is playing the guitar. He hunches over, forms a c shape with his right hand and pretends to be stroking his imaginary erect penis. He then rubs his “semen” onto his friend’s hair and smirks to the camera.

In second video one of his friend is playing his guitar once again. He appears out of nowhere and starts walking in a handicapped manner and laughing like a maniac. He was acting as if he was someone with Down syndrome or some form of mental retardation. In a third one he has a mannequin head and is thrusting it towards and away from his crotch as if he is getting oral sex.

In a fourth video he is doing the Russian wood pecker prank/stunt with his two other friends. One of his friends is in the middle between him and his other friend. He holds up his middle friend’s legs. During the prank he let go his legs and lets him fall. He then pins his fallen friend to the ground and sits on him in a 69er sex position. Here is what the Russian wood pecker prank looks like:

. This is a demo of three other people of how it works and what it looks like, he is not in this video.

I checked his record on the local police arrest and ticket database. He has several infractions and misdemeanors. He has lots of speeding tickets. He’s got charged for having too many in front seat. He also has misdemeanors such as obstruction of police justice w/o threat/force, driving with suspended license (twice), and DWI: 1st offense. All of them ranging from 2009-2013

Around August 2013 my sister and her boyfriend left together and moved to Oregon. I am disappointed at my parents for approving/allowing my sister to go with him. His videos and checkered record proves that his polite demeanor was all an act. He is immature and seems to have behavioral problems. He was clearly another one of those troubled kids that got send to that high school by his parents due to expulsion from the public school system in our area.

I think he is a bad influence on my sister. What should I do? Do any of you feel my judgment on my sister’s boyfriend is correct? I want my sister to leave him and find someone better. I honestly don’t understand what my sister sees in him.

[Trippin2.0]

Firstly, I find it ignorant to judge people based on tattoos and piercings, body art is just another form of expression, and is not at all telling of another person's character.

I myself have a few tattoos, and have had piercings, I also have a friend who has 30 tattoos, and we're both good people.

Yes, after researching him, this Matt character doesn't seem like much of a catch to you and you worry about your sister... buuut, is there evidence that he's actually a bad influence on your sister? That to me would be reason to feel the need to do / say something to her...
If there's no evidence of her being negatively impacted, well then I would just leave them be...

Who knows, maybe she's a good influence on Matt.

[A Red Panda]

I find it rather disturbing that you find it perfectly acceptable to share such detailed information about another person online - what right do you have to share his name and school??? And the fact that you looked up his history? That's by far more disrespectful than the things he was doing....

Your sister is clearly aware of who Matt is as a person. She accepts that, and obviously loves him enough to move to a new state with him. Good for her! Your opinion of him really doesn't matter. And no, your parents should not have tried to stop her from seeing him or moving with him - I am glad to hear that they didn't! It shows that they respect their daughter and her life choices, even if they don't happen to think it's the best decision.

You are judging him based off of his public profile - which sure, it'll show a lot about someone. But your way of judging is very harsh - you've even seemed to make the assumption that he went to that privte school because he was expelled from other ones. So what if he has tattoos and piercings? So what if he dresses like a goth? So what if he has ambitions that are hard to obtain? If he and your sister can afford to live their lives, then it's perfectly alright.

I wouldn't share your opinions with your sister unless you are asked. Personally, I'm absolutely furious with your judgemental attitude and I'm not related to you. I can't imagine your sister feeling less enraged than I am because it's her life and the man that she loves. You should spend some time actually getting to know Matt and taking some effort to find out what your sister loves about him. If she ever expresses some worries or doubts, you could then offer something to her... but really, it'd be best to just keep your opinions to yourself and try to find the good in him.

[rigato]

What is your sister like? Is she easy to manipulate or a strong person?

[933127]

Trippin2.0 and A Red Panda. First of all thank you for responding to my post. Second I am sorry that you two are upset with me and my judgments on my sister's boyfriend. But please understand I have good reasons for it:

He was very polite when my sister invited him over. He was so polite that I felt bad for stereotyping him. However after accepting his Facebook request back around 2012 and looking through his content I had my doubts once again.

Most people who are nice and good are that way when they are with thier peers,and when they are alone. One thing I've noticed is that some people have a "real" and "fake" side to them. For example some people are nice and respectful when they are out in public. But when they are alone behind a computer screen or within a comfortable niche they let thier "real" side come loose. That's one of the reasons why very few online posts are safe from trolls. Many online forums are filled with trolls who post hurtful and inflammatory remarks to people. Things like "Dude, you are so ******* ugly go kill yourself" type of posts. And the reason why these online trolls do it is because it is thier "real" side and they know they can get away with it since they are behind a computer screen and have the protection of anonymity. But in public they wouldn't dare to say those exact things.

The same thing goes for online social media networks like Facebook. People tend to be much more honest and reveal thier "real" personality or side on these networks unlike when they are out in public. That is why employers these days will sometimes search for thier candidates on Facebook and Twitter to see if the person they interviewed who was respectful, honest, and honest is the same person when they are not interviewing for a job and in thier own comfortable niche. It helps to reveal thier true and "real" side/personality.

He has a personal record that is filled with infractions and misdemeanors. Most of them are current and he seems to continue to accrue new ones. In his videos on Facebook he is performing lewd and inappropriate acts and stunts. I understand people will let loose and have some fun but his are on the extreme side of the spectrum. His risky behavior in his videos matches exactly the type of kids that get send to that high school for being expelled from the public school system, not because the parents are wealthy and want them to have the best education.

The videos and pictures he posts of himself on Facebook are his "real" side/personality. His record does so as well as he seems to accrue new ones and does not seem to have learned from them at all. His polite demeanor when he was with my parents was clearly something he "faked" as it was the acceptable one out in public. I can almost guarantee if he had showed up to that dinner invitation with his "real" side there is no doubt my parents would disapprove of him immediately.

The reason why I am concerned for my sister is that I don't want her to learn the bad tendencies he has. The second is I don't want my sister to have to deal with the legal issues that he may run himself once again in the near future, which seems very likely as he continues to accrue new ones. Last of all he does not seem to have a career plan well though out and is simply bouncing around with unrealistic optimism.

[unaluna]

Really, what your sister does is her business, and what you do is your business. I would guess your parents didnt do the best job of raising independent kids, because your sister is caught up with this rebel, and uou are so worried about following the rules. I was once in your situation, with an older sibling going against the rules and taking all my parents attention. I felt as if i had to be super-good to make up for his badness. That is a very unfortunate position to be in, because frankly my parents didnt care about what i did. If i were you, i would think very carefully about what i wanted for myself in my own life, then try to succeed at that. Sincerely.

[Trippin2.0]

Everyone has a private self and a public self, that's no secret. The way you behave with your friends, differ from how you behave infront of your boss or your parents, hell the way you act in the bedroom is different from how you act infront of everyone who's not privy to your bedroom antics.

Well unless you're Mr Bean, he's the same in every environment.

So, while his private self is not to your liking, and you deem him fake, on the flip side everyone and their mother would be on their best behaviour when meeting new people.

Its socially expected to put your best foot forward....No?

I mean my bf swears like a sailor, but neither his nor my parents have ever even heard him say "shyt"...
Does that make him fake or simply respectful of them?

Also, since you don't know him as a person and only as a criminal record, how do you even know his nice side is completely fake?
People aren't one dimensional.

Is there a rule that says someone can't be respectful to others yet obscene in private?
Are the 2 mutually exclusive?

I agree with Red, you've overstepped some serious boundaries, putting up all his personal information for the world to see without his permission. The fact that you've stalked him, maintain that he's bad for your sister and insist you should intervene without evidence of your sister actually "suffering" because of him, says to me that you probably have issues with boundaries in general...

Its your sister's life, I suggest you let her live it.

Also I disagree with what you said with regards to good reason to judge him. A good reason for judging him harshly would be your sister being negatively impacted by him.
So far you've presented no evidence of this happening, which means its not, as you would've listed them. So regardless of what you approve of him doing in his life, you don't have a judgy leg to stand on.

Your parents trust her enough to look after herself, you should do the same.

[A Red Panda]

I don't even understand what would have made you decide to basically stalk him by looking up his record. I am sure that your sister is fully aware of that if there's been anything new within the last few years - she's been living with him and in a relationship with him, she'd know if he was arrested or charged.

You're still making loads of sweeping generalisations and assumptions about him. Until you ask him (which you have no right to do) you will not know why he was at that school. How do you know that his family didn't choose to put him there because they wanted him to have a good education? You don't. You cannot assume that he was expelled from a bunch of other schools. It's your sister's job to deteremine if she is ok with his wishy-washy lifestyle or not. Clearly she is ok with it because she's moved to a new state with him...

reading through your post, i can't help but think you might need to analyze yourself before you start judging other people and who is fit for your sister. Approve or not, you're not her keeper nor do you have any say over who she shoudl be with, even if you ended up being right in your judgements, it's best to keep them to yourself.

something that was very telling in your post:
"My sister met his boyfriend at a local community college around 2010. Around 2012 my sister introduced her boyfriend to the family. His appearance was not something I liked. He had a nose ring, an array of tattoos on both arms, and large black stud earrings. He pretty much looked like one of those hipsters/goths type of guys."

Even before looking at him on fb or did any of the "research" into this guy, it sounds to me like you already had him pegged. you arleady wrote him off before you even knew his behaviors, record or anything. He wasn't going to win any awards with you in the first place. The behaviors you didn't approve of subsequently just solidified your judgemental view of him. That's how I see it.

Keep your standards as your own and let others choose their own, just because you feel something shoudl be one way, another person may find those things unacceptable, or vice versa.

[healingme4me]

Have you talked to your sister? What does she say?

If you saw his fb, stands to reason, so has she.

Did you tell her, about the background check? If she knows his record, stands to reason he's honest with her. That's a great quality in a person.

Is she into something new to her, that's raising concern?

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[soccerdad]

Speaking as a father of a 17 yr old there really isn't anything you can do. I don't know how old either of them are but obviously they are still young. When we are young it's rare we know what type of person we want to be with and we need to go out and experience different people. Unfortunately for you the most attractive people when we are younger are generally wild and exciting. I don't know him but the way you describe him makes me believe that.

That being said he may be the love of your sisters life however he most likely won't be. If you interfere you could cause a rift between you and her and she may not feel she can come to you if things aren't so good between her and her man. As a matter of fact if you attack his character it may force her into defending him which may lead to her glossing over things she isn't happy with.

Your best course of action is to just let your sister do what she wants and be happy for her when she is happy and be there when she is sad. If this guy is wrong for her she will figure it out eventually and she will need someone to go to for support. She is an adult (I assume) and you need to treat her like one.

BTW I really don't blame you for doing a background check on him. I make my daughter show me the FB profiles of her boyfriends. I would never forbid her from seeing any of them but it gives me insight into their personalities that might be hidden in personal meetings. I know I wasn't exactly upfront about everything every time I met a girlfriends parents when I was younger lol.

Originally Posted by soccerdad

BTW I really don't blame you for doing a background check on him. I make my daughter show me the FB profiles of her boyfriends. I would never forbid her from seeing any of them but it gives me insight into their personalities that might be hidden in personal meetings. I know I wasn't exactly upfront about everything every time I met a girlfriends parents when I was younger lol.

On most of waht you've said I don't disagree but I have to add, YOU'RE THE DAD not the sister. There is a difference. it is not a sibling's place to pry like that... if she had concerns bringing it up to parents would be what to do.

[soccerdad]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

On most of waht you've said I don't disagree but I have to add, YOU'RE THE DAD not the sister. There is a difference. it is not a sibling's place to pry like that... if she had concerns bringing it up to parents would be what to do.

Fair enough

[933127]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I don't even understand what would have made you decide to basically stalk him by looking up his record. I am sure that your sister is fully aware of that if there's been anything new within the last few years - she's been living with him and in a relationship with him, she'd know if he was arrested or charged.

You're still making loads of sweeping generalisations and assumptions about him. Until you ask him (which you have no right to do) you will not know why he was at that school. How do you know that his family didn't choose to put him there because they wanted him to have a good education? You don't. You cannot assume that he was expelled from a bunch of other schools. It's your sister's job to deteremine if she is ok with his wishy-washy lifestyle or not. Clearly she is ok with it because she's moved to a new state with him...

First of all how am I the stalker when he was the one that send me a friend request on Facebook?

I looked up his record after observing the lewd,and very inappriopriate pranks and behaviors he displayed in his videos. I am not against people having fun and fooling around, but his was rather excessive.

The videos included:

Sneaking behind a friend and pretend to stroke his imaginary erect penis and rubbing his imaginary semen onto his friend's hair. Performing an oral sex act with a mannequin head.

Doing a mock laugh and handicapped movement as if he had down syndrome or someone with a mental disability.

Doing a russian woodpecker prank. Let his friend fall and then pin his friend down in a 69er sex position.

The kids that attend Paul VI in my area come from wealthy prestigious families who want thier kids to have the best education.

But thier are also kids that attend Paul VI because thier parents have no where else to send them since they have been expelled from the public school system or from thier previous school for bad/harmful behavior.
My sister's boyfriend matches the characteristics of the students who get sent to Paul VI for expulsion reasons exactly.

I am not a bigot by any means, but anyone who love thier family members can spot someone who is trouble.

Is a parent or a older sibling considered a bigot or terrible judgmental person for worrying that thier child/younger sibling is hanging out with someone who is a bad apple?

From my point of view the answer is NO.

[healingme4me]

No, it leaves you a concerned sibling. Is she, at least safe. Must be hard seeing her move far away?

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[A Red Panda]

There's a big difference between adding someone on facebook and looking up their records. Seeing as he went to add you, he was being polite and obviously didn't mind letting you see everything he has posted there. The fact that you then went well beyond facebook to learn more about him... is disturbing.

And again - just because you believe his personality matches the profile of students who were expelled from other schools... that's your judgement. What do you know of his family? Have you asked him why or how he attended that school? Just because he doesn't fit your image of basically a rich kid... doesn't mean that he doesn't come from that background. If he's gone and done various degrees and keeps changing his mind on things.. then someone has to pay for them....

I never called you a bigot. Take a look through my posts - I've never called you a bigot. I did, however, call you judgemental - which you are. You are extremely judgemental in regards to this guy.

Being concerned about a loved one is fine - everyone is allowed their own opinion and it is great that you care about your sister. But it doesn't give you the right to spy on her bf the way that you have (and that is referring to going outside of facebook). Personally, I find that to be a totally reprehensible act and I can't imagine ever doing that to a child if I had any - and I sure would cut off contact with anyone who decided to look up and pry into my partners!

Basically, I'm giving you my opinions because really, the chances of your sister going "Oh hey, I love that you spied on him and didn't bother to ask me what I saw in him.. yeah I love the fact that you're basically saying that you know him better than I do, thanks so much!" is quite slim. Most people are extremely protective of their partners and really wouldn't react well to it. So... keep your judgements to yourself unless she asks for them. If she asks you what you think of him, then go ahead and tell her what you think. But you're risking your own relationship with her if you go telling her the stuff that you've told us.

[933127]

A Red Panda thank you for posting once again. But please understand I am not some hateful person who is judgmental of every single person. As for the Facebook stalking.....it is not as bad as you described. Anyone who accepts a Facebook request is going to look through thier new friend or new acquaintance that has been added. Anyone who says they have never done anything like that is lying.

His videos gave me a hunch that something was not right about him. Again people goof off and have fun sometimes, nothing wrong with that. But his were real nutty. Some people can't seem to grow out of the delinquency phase and the video just gave me the hunch he didn't grow out of it but merely covering it up. That is the reason why I went to check his record and unfortunately it seemed to be the case. I am not some kind of crazy stalker like you mentioned.

However A Red Panda I can definately understand how furious it is for someone to do CSI forensics on someone without thier consent. I get it, but you need to understand that his videos were troublesome and made me worried what he would be getting my sister involved into.

......I think soccerdad is the only one that seems to understand my situation.

[healingme4me]

Maybe he is the only one who does, to you?

I was trying to understand. Just seems, now, upon appearance, insiteful?

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[veiledregret1234]

Don't like guys with tattoos your business. Don't like toilet humor you business. Not too many people are fans of judgmental snobs either...

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by 933127

A Red Panda thank you for posting once again. But please understand I am not some hateful person who is judgmental of every single person. As for the Facebook stalking.....it is not as bad as you described. Anyone who accepts a Facebook request is going to look through thier new friend or new acquaintance that has been added. Anyone who says they have never done anything like that is lying.

His videos gave me a hunch that something was not right about him. Again people goof off and have fun sometimes, nothing wrong with that. But his were real nutty. Some people can't seem to grow out of the delinquency phase and the video just gave me the hunch he didn't grow out of it but merely covering it up. That is the reason why I went to check his record and unfortunately it seemed to be the case. I am not some kind of crazy stalker like you mentioned.

However A Red Panda I can definately understand how furious it is for someone to do CSI forensics on someone without thier consent. I get it, but you need to understand that his videos were troublesome and made me worried what he would be getting my sister involved into.

......I think soccerdad is the only one that seems to understand my situation.

1. I never said you were judgemental of everyone - in fact, if you reread my post... I said specifically that you were judgemental towards him.

2. I did not say that going through his fb was spying - in fact I said that as he added you he clearly does not mind you seeing what he has posted. I referred SOLELY to the spying outside of facebook as what is disturbing.

3. No, actually... I really don't need to "get it" that you found his posts worrisome. That's your opinion. Your sister clearly does not share your opinion. You had zero right to spy on him and yes I do personally find that horribly disturbing - much more so than any of the things you have reported him doing.

Please stop twisting my words around. You are completely misinterpreting and misrepresenting the things I have said. I have been trying to show you how your behaviour has been a major boundary violation - and I am only doing that to show you the potential destruction of your relationship with your sister if you continue it. The fact that you keep twisting my words around to try and defend your actions... isn't very indicative of a positive outcome with your sister. You will end up doing the same thing with her if the conversation comes up, and you will possibly face the result of your sister entirely cutting you out of her life while she is in a relationship with him - and possibly even afterwards. That is the worst case scenario based around your behaviour, and I highly doubt that it is what you want to risk happening!