Relationship advice - please

it sounds like your bf is being honest and straightforward with you. the vacation probably just made him realize how unlivable his schedule really was and now he wants to change that. do you journal at all? i find that a great way to get my emotions out so they are not bothering me. try different things to relieve your anxiety. get some exercise. get involved in a hobby you love, etc. of course getting to the root of your anxiety is always good too. i think it's all going to be fine so do try not to read things into what he says that isn't there.

Recently I have decided that I need a little bit of outside support and advice - and, of course, it involves someone else.

About 7 months ago I started dating a man. He and I decided to take it very slowly so that we could build a solid foundation and really get to know each other. Step by step we dated a couple of months and then agreed to an exclusive relationship.

Three months into our relationship he took a new job, in addition to his current part time job. And the new job involves a LONG commute (70 miles each way). So he works about 45 hours at one job, 20 hours at the other job and spends about 15 hours a week commuting. Plus he is the single father to a teen son. A VERY BUSY MAN!

With all of that going on, he still made time for me 2-3 evenings a week. After about 4 months he started having me stay at his house and he even cleaned out a drawer for me to keep my overnight things.

After 6 months we took a vacation together for 10 days. It was really easy to travel together and we had a good time. We returned about 4 weeks ago.

Since our return it feels like the wheels are really coming off the bus with him. He says he loves me, he says he misses me, but he says that he is just completely overwhelmed and exhausted and any time that he does has he feels like he should spend with his son. He says he has a lot of guilt about not being there for his son, for me or for anyone. He told me that in about 3 weeks he will end the 20 hour part time job and then he hopes to have some time.

I told him that I understood completely, he has a very full plate and it is a tough balancing act that he is trying to pull off. I said that I felt that his time with his son should be the priority and that I understood that we just might have to try to make it through the next 3 weeks with a bit of communication and snippets of time if any come up....I just expected him to touch base each day with a call, text or e-mail. I explained that I am very "verbal" person and I need words of love and reassurance if I cannot physically be near him.

Here are my questions:
1) He balanced his crazy schedule all before our vacation - and only seems to have run into problems now that we are back. Did the vacation trigger something that made him feel we don't have to spend as much time together?

2) Is he possibly trying to get out of the relationship - even though he has said that he wants to stay together and work through this?

3) He keeps trying to give me money for car repairs - Why?

4) I just want opinions, insight, into whether this man is invested in the relationship and overwhelmed, or if he is trying to do the slow fade out?

HELP! How do I handle this?

Alright, I have made it through the first couple of days of this week. I am doing well and trying to focus on me and not him and his crazy schedule.

Logically, I've decided that if this is meant to work out, it will, and if it's not, then there will be something better around the corner for me.

Meanwhile, emotionally, I do have small panic attacks (even logically saying the above words) and I worry that he will never call - he always does. How do I stop obsessing and panicking?

I guess my doubts have come from him not communicating daily. I feel that if we were at least communicating daily I would feel a bit more secure. However, I guess when some people are stressed out or overwhelmed they just cannot make that daily effort?

THANK YOU. This is just such good advice - and certainly hits home. You are right, he is probably so secure that he doesn't feel a chat is necessary each day. He'd rather have quality over quantity. I'll just continue to keep myself busy and I will work on not obsessing (when I do obsess, it will be on here and not to him so that I don't add more stress).

If you don't mind my asking, is there an age difference? I only wonder, as being used to may/Dec relationships, have a finer appreciation, to be able to help you, reach that secure spot, if my hunch be correct?



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Wow! I just have such a different take on this thing. My interpretation is that he loves you. He is busy. The vacation confirmed in his mind that you love him too, so...whew! He doesn't have to worry about that anymore. He feels secure in your love and he hopes you feel secure in his too.
Daily contact? Meh, not necessary if you both understand. Like for instance, if he calls you on Monday and you have a nice conversation and he says, "I am super slammed tomorrow."...don't expect a call the next day. He told you he is really busy. Why do you need to have so much attention? You turn yourself into an obligation IMHO when you start demanding he talk to you every single day. And he already said he is Very Busy, so now is the time for you to show empathy and compassion that he is spread very thin. He will appreciate that and love you all the more for giving him space.

You aren't giving him a chance to miss you! Get busy and stop obsessing about what sounds like a good situation. He's had a lot of hurt in his life, so just knowing you are there has to be a comfort to him.

Let him sort out his time in these next two weeks and then wait....yes, I said wait, for him to call you. He will crave to talk to you if you are busy with your own life, and he will be wanting Your time for a change.

Again all this is IMHO Best to you

Well, we haven't spoken in a week. Is this still "normal" and ok - I hate to be a pest, but I am new to this whole thing where a guy withdraws and I am not sure how much time is good and when I need to start to worry?

Well, we haven't spoken in a week. Is this still "normal" and ok - I hate to be a pest, but I am new to this whole thing where a guy withdraws and I am not sure how much time is good and when I need to start to worry?

Well, we haven't spoken in a week. Is this still "normal" and ok - I hate to be a pest, but I am new to this whole thing where a guy withdraws and I am not sure how much time is good and when I need to start to worry?

I did reach out to him. Apparently he is going through major stress - he is in a lupus flare - and he just went to speak to someone about the possibility that he is depressed. I am HERE if he needs me (and I'd like to be needed), but I am not going to add anything further to his plate right now.