[okiedokie]

My daughter is a 21 y.o. who moved out on two different occasions to live with two different boyfriends, each lasting about a year. In between these relationships, she moves back home to live with me. This last time in light of supporting her decision to go to college, I offered to let her stay here rent free. Well, summer quarter went by, fall quarter, and now winter quarter and she's decided to wait. In the mean time, she has only a part-time job and goes out drinking with her friends whenever she chooses. I take care of the dog. She comes home as late as 3:30 in the morning and sometimes not at all. She will sit around all day in her bathrobe and watch tv on days she doesn't have to work.

I think she's taking advantage of me.

Yesterday, she came home and saw me taking the tree down, and the other decorations, etc. I asked her to help and she got nasty and disrespectful and said forget it and went to her room. She came out later after all the work was done.

Tonight she came in from work and asked if she could check her myspace.com site on my computer and I told her no, that I wasn't feeling particularly generous with her today. She threw a hissy fit, carrying on and on that I don't respect her. I told her that I didn't want to start part 2 of the fight and that I just wanted to rest. She wouldn't let it end. She yelled at me, "so, you want me to move out?" Very angry and defensive. I told her that if I was making her life such hell (her words) that maybe it would be best if she moved out. Then she said with gritted teeth, "when I do move out, you will never hear from me again. You will be a lonely old woman and lose your only daughter just like you've lost your only son." Well, that's news to me, since I spoke to my only son just last night and recently got his girlfriend a job in my hospital.

I told her that I pay for everything, babysit her dog, take her to work and pick her up, bring food to her work so she can eat. She SCREAMED at me -- yes, mom, you just do EVERYTHING for me, very sarcastically.

I'm sorry this is so long. I feel if I don't keep writing I will have a brain hemorrhage.

My girl is spoiled and thinks I and the rest of the world owe her. She was a continual truant during high school and dropped out. Her father kicked her out of his house. I took her by the hand to get her GED completed. She still has no desire to get driver's license. My sister offered to pay her full college tuition for her and yet she says, no, I'm not ready to go yet. I keep her on my medical insurance benefits in case she wants therapy, but she doesn't follow through on that either.

This beautiful, capable daughter of mine is a woman who is not making very good choices for herself and it breaks my heart. The last time she got this mad at me after I went to work, she stole $10K worth of my jewelry and sold it to a pawn shop. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow for what I will find on my return.

I just can't have this kind of daily stress in my life. Not a good mix for me. Do any of you have any suggestions? Love to hear from the parents and the young adults.

I need you all very much. Thank you for reading and responding with your experience and wisdom.
Take care,
Okie

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((okiedokie))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry. I'm the worst person in the world to give advice on this scenario as I struggle with son. I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I am thinking of you. Not much help, I know. It's a hard situation. We would not let strangers treat us the way that our children do sometimes. Hang in there. I hope some more knowledgeable people are able to help here.

[nothemama8]

sounds like you need to set a lot of boundries,
1. Type up a paper of House Rules (and stick to them)
2. Give her a notice informing her of her rights and responsebilities in YOUR home
3. if all fails Pack her bags and MAKE her grow up
I know this will be hard, but for your own sanity ya got to do it. Is there anyone she will listen to possibly your son?
Angie

you're allowing her to abuse you.......give her X days to get a job and find another place to live. if she has stolen that much from you, you'll end up penniless if she stays with you. 21 is old enough to be upon her own.

and i KNOW how hard it is to draw the line for your children, but always remember this, if you don't draw it..........they are going to trip up on it somewhere else some day and will be hurt a lot worse than they will be if you do it.

she will appreciate your toughlove, later, and you aren't going to end up a lonely old woman........i had plenty of disputes with my girls and stepsons and no one abandoned me. it's hard, but you can do this. we'll help you get through it.........love ya, pat

I'm so sorry you are going through such difficulties.

I can tell that you love your daughter very much.
I have two older teen boys -- one very important thing I've learned is sticking to what you say as a parent-- it's very hard but it has to be done that way.

Something caught my attention in your post--- you said that your daughter said to you: "yes, mom, you just do EVERYTHING for me, very sarcastically."--- this is just my view and I don't mean any insult but to me she could mean that one thing you don't do is tell her "NO" and stick to it.

I was never told "NO" by my parents and I was convinced they didn't care about me or love me, otherwise they would have set limits for me. I don't know how it was with you and her when she was younger but that's my experience with my mom-- I just wanted her to put my well being first, ahead of her fear of me being mad at her.

Sometimes "no" can be the same thing as saying "I love you".

It's so very hard being a parent, I do understand.

My thoughts are with you.

mandy

[okiedokie]

Thank you very much for responding and for your wisdom. I do love my daughter very much. She is my oldest. I remember having a very difficult relationship with my own dear mother when I was her age. My mother died a few years ago just as we seemed to be getting our relationship repaired. I could just bawl as I recall this. Perhaps I'm hanging my daughter up as a direct result of unfinished business with my own mother.

I will ponder your sincere insights and suggestions very thoughtfully. Thank you all for supporting me.

Sandy

[desirae]

I will say (with no intention is offending you or your daughter) that I would feel immense appreciation towards you if you were my mother. I was on my own at 16, and could never depend on my mother for help in any manner, my mother was an addict and really had nothing to offer, not even a house. Even with those awful situations my mother and I have been through (many more to much to list), I absolutly respect my mother at all times and if I didn't I'd feel horrible about myself...(even if she deserved it).

I'm not sure what you could say or do...but if it were me I'd tell her to get out of my house next time she got snotty with me. You have to remember it's your house and you should not have to live that way in your own home. If you were to tell her to leave, she is an adult and surely would survive....and forgive you later definitley. I recommend not tolerating it.

Discipline is tough, but very much love.

[mssumom]

As the mother of a 21 yr old son who moved in with his dad for his senior year in high school and became so much like him that when his dad kicked him out the day he turned 18 and he moved back in here, it lasted 2 months and I could no longer take his total disrespect for me, his sister, any rules, etc. He left for college 2 months later (whch only lasted a few weeks) but he stayed in the other town about 2 hrs away because I said no he couldn't move back in here. His occasional visits have shown he hasn't really grown up to much yet and in fact living on his own has made him even more like his dad. I really can't live with that.

hang in there......be firm with rules and responsibilities especially a job at the age of 21 since she isn't going to school.
Take care of yourself

[okiedokie]

Hi Des,
First, congrats on your success in school!! Thanks for your thoughts. You sound like a lovely daughter yourself! I bet your mom is proud of you. Way to go still respecting your mom and loving her. Your mom probably did the best she could at the time. I don't fault anyone who is doing the best they can do, but I think my daughter could probably do a little more than she is. It's a process I guess.

Mssumom -- I am divorced too and my child moved back to her dad's for senior year and he kicked her out because they were too much alike! You always love your kids, though, dontcha?
Take care,
Sandy