feeling like messing up constantly.

The first thing I said when I entered T today was "well that didn't work" meaning the emails. T replied "no not at all". I tried to explain to her how her email about caring sent me into orbit. Basically I told her, being nice is for nice people and I've already seen my truth, seen my evil, my adoptive mother showed me that. I said can you imagine making a sand castle and sitting back admiring it, and then someone puts there foot on it and says, thats only sand, nothing else, well thats how I feel about my insides, there only evil and nothing else.

T said that I have internalised my adoptive mothers sadism and am constantly attacking it from within, that the evil that my adoptive mother said was in me, was actually hers.

When I got home I emailed T and said I know you dont need an apology for my email the other day, but I feel the need to give it. T replied that I am right she doesn't need an apology, she realises how difficult this is for me but she also said its good that I felt I could give her an apology.

SIGH, SIGH, SIGH.

Mouse...man thats hard. Im sorry. Keep working like u are. I wish that adults had to suffer the consequences of their actions on children as soon as they do it. It seems fair.

(((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))

i just want to give you a hug ....... because i know how hard it is ..... i'm so tired of it all mouse ...... let's just keep going .... there has to be an end love Jinny xx

I'm sorry this is hard. I have the same struggles in T. Sometimes it feels like I need to prove how awful I am, because T just doesn't see it. It feels like what was done to me left a black mark on my insides, so that now I am tainted forever.

I am impressed that you were able to apologize and I think going through this hard time with your T may help you be able to accept that you are, at heart, a good and worthwhile person.

(((((Mouse)))))

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the evil that my adoptive mother said was in me, was actually hers.

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It is always nice to hear this isn't it. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever internalize the new message.

I've just ordered "East of Eden", somehow I think this may help me in my journey.

(((((((( Mouse ))))))))

(((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))) I feel for our T's. I often wonder if this will ever end - these cycles - if we will ever feel worthy enough to let ourselves live. Sounds like you have a good t - hang in there. It's got to get better at some point.
Kiya