[Blackd0g]

Hi All,

Firstly, thanks to all the welcoming people here.
I'm very impressed with the love and goodwill overflowing here.

I have a girlfirend who is great. She has two kids and a really demanding job.

Of course she has to juggle heaps of things and can't keep everyone happy all of the time. Her main focus is her kids which is as it should be. I get on ok with the kids but find their behaviour at times confronting. I care about them but find myself pressed at times not to react negatively to their behaviour.

I also work hard and have two boys who I love more than life itself. I only see them every second weekend. But I see her kids every day unless I stay at my place(Expensive storage).

Now to the point:
Should I reasonably expect a day or couple of days a month to spoil(Maybe go away) my lady to be ok?
If she can't do this because she feels the kids are missing out( they are 4 and 9 years old. Mine are 2.5 and 5) should I feel that she has no time for me in her life?
I guess I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

It's hard to take on board another persons kids to the same degree as your own. Her kids's father is not in the picture so I feel for them also. But at what point does a balance between the kids and adult relationships take place? I'm confused and need your opinions.

Steve

[curley]

I see that you have acepted her kids come first. It is always that way in any relationship when you are not the father! But I do not understand why you cant do your (spoiling) on the weekends they are away? That is certainly not selfish!

[silver_queen]

If she feels she can't take a weekend away from her kids, that doesn't mean that she doesn't attach as much importance to the relationship as you do. She might appreciate everything you do, but she might think that leaving her kids (especially since they are young) is too risky. If you could arrange a babysitter or relative who could be trusted with those kids... then perhaps that's your ticket I don't think you're being selfish... but more that you're just seeing it from a different perspective. You said you love your own boys a lot, but you'd also have to be sure of their own well-being before going off for a weekend, wouldn't you?

Or if she really doesn't think she can leave her kids until they are older, then why not think of an alternative way of treating her? Perhaps it could be a day trip out somewhere, taking the kids with you? Or maybe arranging a babysitter for a couple of hours and taking her out for a meal?

[bebop]

I agree with you. I think all adults need alone time and hopefully she will be willing to leave the kids with her parents or another relative for a weekend getaway with you!

[Wants2Fly]

I agree with Silver Queen that there are two different perspectives viewing the same set of facts/circumstances. Labelling responses as selfish/unselfish, right/wrong doesn't move things forward.

Your feelings, wants, and needs are yours and, therefore, legitimate.

This kind of situation is always tricky to negotiate. Merged families pose special problems. I live alone because I am truly selfish, so I am no help to you finding ways to navigate this; I'll leave that to members more skillful than I at family relationships. I see good ideas here already, and I wish you all the best finding a way through this.

[Perna]

What kind of support network does she have in place? If her parents/siblings are around and trying to get her to take off occasionally too, perhaps you all can work together. Being a single mother, especially of young kids, is not the same as being a non-custodial parent. My grandchildren have both their parents and grandparents, uncles, etc. to help babysit but my son and daughter-in-law rarely get away "alone" even though they get some individual time. I don't know that it's feasible at this time for her to be away from the children that much (or that she wants to be) at this time. They are too young to be very much self-caring yet and with only one parent, their routines and needs are different. My son can take the kids for a few hours on Saturday morning so my daughter-in-law can sleep in or get chores done and we come once or twice a month so the daughter-in-law can go out and get "caught up" at work (both parents work) but I think if your girlfriend were able to have a weekend or two a month off, she'd have other things she'd want/need to do with the time.

I applaud your wanting to take her away for some "adult" time but don't think that's #1 on her wants list? I wouldn't take it personally, wouldn't think myself selfish or her unreasonable but would try to help her more if I could, take some of the single parent "responsibilities" off her hands/give her a rest from them, help with her chores so she has more time, period, to structure how she'd "like." Maybe having some of her time constraints loosened will enable her to think about getting away with you for a quiet weekend every now and then but I don't see how she can easily even think about that now? Help her restructure and be there for her with what she chooses to be responsible for and then maybe she can trust the "system" enough to go away. It's not an "automatic" either/or thing though.

[LMo]

oh, BlackDog... I was a stepmom for about 6 years so understand this dilemma well.

For me, it was a big struggle for several years but over time, I just let go of the expectation that I would get my chance. Had to learn to accept that I was destined to always be #2 in my ex-husband's life.

Intellectually, I completely understood it, but I never got over feeling as though it was unfair (emphasize the difference between thinking something is unfair and feeling something is unfair). I was only 23 when I met him -- way too young for that situation, looking back.

I don't know what to tell you. I hate to say "lower your expectations" but that's what I had to do for myself to keep myself sane.

Good luck - I do feel for you in this predicament. You sound as though you respect your girlfriend a lot, so may feel, as I did with mine, that she's worth it even if you don't get the private time you hope for.

[Fuzzybear]

[sabby]

I think that in any relationship there needs to be special time set aside for just the 2 of you. In many cases, getting away for a whole weekend is not possible.

I think too that there needs to be a dialog between you and your lady about what you can both do together for that "special" time. Maybe making a "date" night or day each week and planning what you will do, together, will get things moving. It will give you both something to look forward to each week after working hard and taking care of your families.

I wish you both luck and love!

Hugssssssss
Jean