[hvert]

I'm already dreading Mother's Day. My mother is a martyr. It took me a long time to realize that all of her 'selfless' giving isn't actually nice -- it's just a set up for a future guilt trip.

In the past, she has vocally complained about the gifts we've given her on Mother's Day. This makes me feel like not getting her any gift at all. I have one present for her, but since it is home made, I know she is going to complain about it. I am not sure if I am going to get something else or not.

She also complains that we don't take her out to eat. I am tired of being the one that is either hosting these events or footing the bill for everyone to eat out. I can't afford it this year and my siblings are not stepping up.

[healingme4me]

Well, tell them, if it be the case, you can afford for yourself and your mom's portion of the bill, but they[siblings] are financially on their own. And when in the restaurant, request separate bills, right from the get go.

Sorry, she's not appreciative of gifts, your mom, that is.

[Frankbtl]

Hi hvert, I'm sorry your mother is making you feel like that, but I'd say a "homemade" present should be seen as thoughtful and caring so nice idea. And if she complains about gifts maybe just ask her what sort of thing she would like next time instead?
As for taking her out then it shouldn't be down to you to keep on footing the bill, in fact you shouldn't need to be planning it every time either.
So could you agree with your siblings that you're going to take it in turns to plan meas out, and that they're going to need to pay for themselves and a share of your mothers meal out?
Alison
P.S. I'd say that you should really find a time to talk to her about some of the other things she's been doing that are bothering you and how they're making you feel. Some things she might not realize she's doing or how much they are effecting you and others maybe you could reach a compromise on???

[Travelinglady]

So sorry, hvert.

(Gee, I'm glad to get a card from my children!)

[lifesohard]

Can i give you a different perspective? My mom was like that! But she killed herself 2 days after i got out of the hospital after a suicide attempt. One thing i have learned was that parents are as flaued as we are. You cant please some people, especially family! We need to learn to please ourselves first sometimes, i am trying to learn that now. If you cant be honest with her or she wont understand then talk to someone in your circle that does. Our happiness and mental healthiness doesnt always mean that our folks get what we need. In fact i am convinced that most people cant understand that sometimes people just need understanding and acceptance not judgement.

[hvert]

Thank you all! My siblings aren't bad people, but there is no way they are going to organize anything. Maybe it's a gender thing (they are brothers).

Lifesohard, what a horrible thing to happen. You are right on many counts and definitely put my whining in perspective.

[namastewoman]

Originally Posted by lifesohard

Can i give you a different perspective? My mom was like that! But she killed herself 2 days after i got out of the hospital after a suicide attempt. One thing i have learned was that parents are as flaued as we are. You cant please some people, especially family! We need to learn to please ourselves first sometimes, i am trying to learn that now. If you cant be honest with her or she wont understand then talk to someone in your circle that does. Our happiness and mental healthiness doesnt always mean that our folks get what we need. In fact i am convinced that most people cant understand that sometimes people just need understanding and acceptance not judgement.

I am always talking about killing myself or wishing I was dead, but I never thought about my parents feeling that way, too.

[namastewoman]

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm already dreading Mother's Day. My mother is a martyr. It took me a long time to realize that all of her 'selfless' giving isn't actually nice -- it's just a set up for a future guilt trip.

In the past, she has vocally complained about the gifts we've given her on Mother's Day. This makes me feel like not getting her any gift at all. I have one present for her, but since it is home made, I know she is going to complain about it. I am not sure if I am going to get something else or not.

She also complains that we don't take her out to eat. I am tired of being the one that is either hosting these events or footing the bill for everyone to eat out. I can't afford it this year and my siblings are not stepping up.

I totally get you. I am so broke and the thought of spending what little money I have on my mother irritates me but I don't want the guilt of not getting anything.

[hvert]

Namastewoman, that is it -- Mother's Day feels like one big guilt trip. Either I didn't get the right gift or I didn't spend enough or I forgot the card. Definitely going out of town next year!

[Travelinglady]

Was she a pain again this year? I gather so, since you said you are planning on leaving town next year!

[hvert]

She was a big pain, yes. I'm just at a point where the martyr stuff makes me want to punch her. She has to make everything difficult and horrible so she can complain about it. I invited her to breakfast and she told me that she had to go to a sale and that she had plans with someone else for lunch. I found out from one of my brothers that she had lied about her lunch plans, so I have no idea what that was about - I didn't invite her out for lunch anyway.

It took a lot of persuading to convince her that we would take her out to eat for dinner rather than her cooking for everyone. Then she kept picking out restaurants that were closed. She picked out one, we agreed to meet, and then I get a message that she's changed her mind.

She wound up picking out this awful place that's extremely popular with tourists with young children. It's not the kind of place you want to go unless you have a screaming kid that can't behave in a normal restaurant. Since no one was under 30, I have no idea why she wanted to go there. We had to wait 40 minutes for a table, which meant 40 extra minutes talking to her.

My brother and boyfriend kept talking to each other, so that left me and my other brother to amuse my mother. Afterwards, we went to her house to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday early (I wanted to cram all the misery into one event). She had baked him a cake, which was nice, but kept saying that the cake was not good. Over and over. And you know what? The cake was AWFUL. She is a good cook, but this was a new recipe and it was not a good cake.

And the problem isn't that the cake wasn't very good. It's that she is still emailing me about how bad the cake was two days later. What am I supposed to say? I'm just ignoring it, but, really. Give me a break.

She made a face when she opened one of her presents, too.

[wife22]

Hi ,hvert
It is unfair and tiresome to go through it every year ,sorry.
I always remember mothers/Father's Day to do something,but I suppose I'm not good enough to be remembered ,despite having 3kids:my husband took off with his friend to see a hockey games out of state for few days,didn't even remember to call,and this year is not an exclusion .just live your life,don't take it close to your heart,you will not change her or her ways ,don't let it bring you down ,she is battling her own monsters .
All the best to you!

[hvert]

I'm sorry your husband took off and didn't even bother to call -- I hope your family starts appreciating you more!!!

[Scotty204]

This mother's day was terrible for me as my mother passed away back in November....