[MB1977]

Today my Mother advised me to leave my wife and son.
Things are not going well Financially and this places strain on my marriage. We are about to lose our house and I am struggling to find work. My mother believes that my wife should also put effort into finding work and not just rely on my income as she has always done. This all came about after I asked my mother to send us some money so that we could buy food as we did not have any at home. Its not been the first time but also is not a regular thing. I think I asked my mother for money three or four months ago the last time before today. I feel I have made a commitment in marraige and can not turn my back on it. But my mother feels its one sided and that I am being used. I am not sure how to react to this and are very confused. If someone might have any advice please!

[moremi]

I think that mothers are always over protective of their sons and no woman will ever be good enough in your mothers eyes. Did your wife work in the beginning of your marriage? Did you agree that she would be a house wife? This is something to keep in mind that if she went into a marriage where you are the financial provider and she is a domestic housewife that is what she knows. Have you spoken to her and told her she needs to find work? I say no you dont leave your family just bc things got ******. Vowels are for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health til death. Those vowels are your promise to God to share your life with this woman. Things are bad now but they will get better. Pray if you believe and comminicate your concerns with your wife. If she blows you off or refuses to hear you out and act on it or refuses to work than that is a decision only you two can make. The vowels you took and the love you pledged to your wife should not falter when **** gets real. You deal with the storm of life as it comes and if you stand united it will be much easier to pass through the storm.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

[MB1977]

Hi Thanks for listening.

Yes she did and while things were going well she did not have to work as we had more than enough income. Thing is my father in law and mother in law moved in with us shortly after we got married. My Mother in Law has passed away since but my Father in Law still lives with us. I think in our whole married live we were only living alone for 4 months. I am a compassionate person and hate conflict and would rather avoid it. Even when my wife argues with me I normally just keep quiet and let her blow off steam. She says Hurtful things and this is the reason why my mother could be advising me to get out, My wife says she loves me and cant stand to lose me. I told her about what my mother said and she replied that my mother should say something like that as she ran from her Marriage from my father when things got tough. The same as my two sisters. It might not be totally true as my mother had an affair with another man and my one sister got out of an abusive marriage where her husband was an alcoholic and the other sisters husband cheated on her and her two kids. But all told I still believe that we took an Oath before God for better or worse. I know marriage is hard work and not easy. I do my best and try to avoid the situations that could set my wife off. I help around the house and do small things like Cooking dinner and bringing her coffee in bed. But all this is being taken for granted and expected. I wait on my wife and bring her anything she desires. But its all one sided and no real return. I have been trying to see where the love and the actions are being reciprocated but fail to see this maybe I am blinded. I just do not know.

[waiting4]

Hi MB1977......Firstly, never ever leave a marriage because your mother told you to. Or your father. Unless there is severe emotional and/or physical abuse. This does not seem to be the case with you, so do yourself a huge favor and just accept your mothers advice for what it is: well meaning claptrap.

You do need to speak to your wife...the heart-to-heart conversation, because obviously things are going to have to change. Although you've already done it, I HIGHLY recommend NEVER relaying negative talk received from your mother about your wife to your wife. That is always going to put her on the defensive and if you just want to watch her blow-up all the time, rather than fixing the issue, then repeating claptrap from your mom is the surest way I know.

If you love your wife (and I think you do) and you believe in your marriage (which I think you do) you NEED to have that non-confrontational conversation so you are both on the same page regarding both the marriage, your finances and also the children....the worse thing for any relationship is lack of communication. Almost anything can be worked out if the couple TALK about it, set some goals and then work together to make them happen.

Btw....father-in-law living with you? Very kind. Probably not a good idea in light of you and your wife's lack of communication (difficult to talk about things with Dad always around) not to mention the lack of time spent together on your own in the marriage. I suggest looking into relocating Dad, asap...if it is feasible. Also, while I hear you don't feel appreciated for the things you do (besides being the only working partner--coffee in bed etc) please remember, that although it might have started off as a courtesy and something done out of love, if your wife doesn't feel an equal in your marriage, especially if she KNOWS her mother-in-law is being disrespectful about her to you, and generally trying to cause trouble..all the things she may have enjoyed she may very well feel guilty about now...which breeds resentment...which breeds trouble, which is why she may shout at you, when before...she didn't.

Take care

[MB1977]

Thank you Waiting 4. I have been really torn up with this. I hear you and like what you are saying. But to communicate is so difficult when I am not such a person to do this verbally. I thought about writing down all the stuff that bothers me but are so afraid of the fall out that I never get to it. I really and mean really do not like confrontation and my wife revels in it. Let me give you a bit of Back ground for you to maybe form your advice along more information. My wife is an only child and has always gotten her way with her parents. She does not compromise at all and I always end up compromising to prevent the inevitable silent treatment and pouting and resentment when she does not get her way. She will get up in the morning and have the day planned in her head and Automatically assumes that its what I want to do to. More often then not it will involve an activity where money would have to be spent or such. Given the financial situation we are currently in I tell her that I don't think we can go because we can not really afford to go. This will normally end with her throwing a tantrum and we all spend the day miserable and avoiding each others company. Now this also happens if there might be enough money and she has set her mind to do something and I do not agree. Instead of compromising like I do she has these meltdowns. I then feel guilty and to avoid any more outbursts give in to her. Thing is I never get to do things I enjoy since we got married. She has estranged me from my friends. If I do mention that I want to do something on my own or with my friends (when I still had any) she makes me feel guilty and says I should be spending time at home with my family rather than going off on my own or with friends. Its as if she has this obsession where she cant stand to be with out me. And its fine but its been smothering me bit by bit. This is also why my mother might feel resentful because of the situation between the two of them we rarely visited with my Mother. My wife being who she is felt that my mother should be visiting us more. In the end its been months since I have seen my mother. Thing is there are more issues underlying and I am to blame for a lot of things because I let it slide and did not stand up to her but its easier to give in than experience the outburst. Her own mother when she was still alive and her Father today will then later come to me and say they think she has been unreasonable. They only did it behind her back because the few times that they said it to her she accused them of taking my side and would fly out of the room in a rage to spend the next few hours giving everybody the silent treatment and we move around the house and staying out of her way. So given this new Information is the advise still the same? Tough it out try to communicate? Because she is intelligent and has a Law degree and can obviously know what she is doing is not right. I have heard her confess it to some of her friends. Can a Leopard change its spots?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by MB1977

Thank you Waiting 4. I have been really torn up with this. I hear you and like what you are saying. But to communicate is so difficult when I am not such a person to do this verbally. I thought about writing down all the stuff that bothers me but are so afraid of the fall out that I never get to it. I really and mean really do not like confrontation and my wife revels in it. Let me give you a bit of Back ground for you to maybe form your advice along more information. My wife is an only child and has always gotten her way with her parents. She does not compromise at all and I always end up compromising to prevent the inevitable silent treatment and pouting and resentment when she does not get her way. She will get up in the morning and have the day planned in her head and Automatically assumes that its what I want to do to. More often then not it will involve an activity where money would have to be spent or such. Given the financial situation we are currently in I tell her that I don't think we can go because we can not really afford to go. This will normally end with her throwing a tantrum and we all spend the day miserable and avoiding each others company. Now this also happens if there might be enough money and she has set her mind to do something and I do not agree. Instead of compromising like I do she has these meltdowns. I then feel guilty and to avoid any more outbursts give in to her. Thing is I never get to do things I enjoy since we got married. She has estranged me from my friends. If I do mention that I want to do something on my own or with my friends (when I still had any) she makes me feel guilty and says I should be spending time at home with my family rather than going off on my own or with friends. Its as if she has this obsession where she cant stand to be with out me. And its fine but its been smothering me bit by bit. This is also why my mother might feel resentful because of the situation between the two of them we rarely visited with my Mother. My wife being who she is felt that my mother should be visiting us more. In the end its been months since I have seen my mother. Thing is there are more issues underlying and I am to blame for a lot of things because I let it slide and did not stand up to her but its easier to give in than experience the outburst. Her own mother when she was still alive and her Father today will then later come to me and say they think she has been unreasonable. They only did it behind her back because the few times that they said it to her she accused them of taking my side and would fly out of the room in a rage to spend the next few hours giving everybody the silent treatment and we move around the house and staying out of her way. So given this new Information is the advise still the same? Tough it out try to communicate? Because she is intelligent and has a Law degree and can obviously know what she is doing is not right. I have heard her confess it to some of her friends. Can a Leopard change its spots?

Well, this is a bit more like can a leopard learn to sheathe her claws, and for that I suggest possible marriage counseling. After your further information, I do think you've been a bit passive with her in the past, and I totally understand why you have. (I'm also curious if you've done anything passive-aggressive to her, just because you've been so marginalized, you may feel its the only way--like her shouting, passive-aggressivity is a learned response) I'm sorry she's driven your friends and evidently your family away.

So, yes, I still say talk to her. Yes, she'll shout. So, best thing is to make your 'exit' plan, whatever that may be, then sit her down and tell her you both need to talk...like two mature adults. That you won't stand for her eruptions and the moment she does, get up, get your child and leave. Period. Not for good necessarily, but get out of the house. The only reason her tantrums work is because there are witnesses to them. A tantrum rarely works when the child is alone.... And yes, I'm aware of how difficult it will be to confront the beast she's become, but remember what you've already been thru, and what you're likely to go thru if you DON'T stand up to her.

You can also arrange for a marriage counselor first (along with the exit plan) and tell her that you have done so for 'the talk' so she can be assured no one will ONLY take your side or her side. She may be more agreeable to that.

Basically, yes, this has gone on too long and if you want to actually leave for good, I think you should. But be prepared. That's a must. Especially if she has a law degree and a certain amount of friends still loyal to her even if it's out of fear.

Take care

And on second read I think my question about if you've done anything somewhat passive - aggressive to her because of how you have been treated....that's been answered. You told her what your mother says about her. A passive way of attack (because it's not YOU specifically saying it) and aggressive in its intent. Yeah, you both need counselling. I hope you both can work it out, and if not 'both', than at least you. You deserve better.

[healingme4me]

So your choice is to walk on eggshells because the idea of divorce or annulment goes against your your internal moral fiber,which could be resulted from the pain of being a child of divorce?
No money for food, with your father in law, living there? Why not?
Yeah...her getting back to work sounds reasonable.
Did your mom feel this way, from the get go?

If not, marital counseling, what about individual counseling?

Can dietary changes be made in grocery budget, to accommodate? Three adults, one child...$400-$500/month could work...if not a little less....

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk