[gon3withth3wend]

So I met this guy earlier this week on a popular phone app. I've been pretty lonely but not looking for a hookup, and I explained that to him and he really wanted to meet me. I was feeling self conscious but I met him anyways. I don't think he was as physically attracted to me as he expected from my pictures. I do not falsely represent myself in my photos: I am a fairly attractive person, but I was not having the best day (or week). I've been kind of beating myself up because I feel like maybe he'd like me more if he thought I was prettier, and all I would've had to do was wait until maybe next week until I felt and looked better. He's not really my romantic type.... he's shorter, less muscular, doesn't eat well.... he's just not quite as masculine as I like, but I still found him intriguing and want to be friends.

Honestly, our conversation was just okay. We talked for three or four hours but there wasn't quite a romantic spark, I guess... I really at least want to be just friends. I keep on going on that app and seeing that he's been online but he hasn't messaged me back since the last time I messaged him. We'd been talking every day since we met (except today), but our conversations have been kind of boring. He stopped responding around this time yesterday, and I don't know why! I've been thinking about him constantly, and I even found his facebook and looked through all of his public pictures and his friends. I think there are two reasons why I want to be friends with him so badly. For one, he is from France and has a really cute accent, (there may be some kind of language/cultural barrier) but also because during our conversation he noted that he really felt strongly against sexual violence towards females (I know, interesting conversation) but I was really drawn to that because I've been a victim of sexual violence, and I normally feel that guys are out to objectify and/or violate me. I think he'd just be a good friend that I could feel safe hanging out with. I just feel bad because I don't want to smother him but I really want to be friends and hang out more during the summer. What do I do? Should I just let it go and admit that he doesn't want to be my friend?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

So I met this guy earlier this week on a popular phone app. I've been pretty lonely but not looking for a hookup, and I explained that to him and he really wanted to meet me. I was feeling self conscious but I met him anyways. I don't think he was as physically attracted to me as he expected from my pictures. I do not falsely represent myself in my photos: I am a fairly attractive person, but I was not having the best day (or week). I've been kind of beating myself up because I feel like maybe he'd like me more if he thought I was prettier, and all I would've had to do was wait until maybe next week until I felt and looked better. He's not really my romantic type.... he's shorter, less muscular, doesn't eat well.... he's just not quite as masculine as I like, but I still found him intriguing and want to be friends.

Honestly, our conversation was just okay. We talked for three or four hours but there wasn't quite a romantic spark, I guess... I really at least want to be just friends. I keep on going on that app and seeing that he's been online but he hasn't messaged me back since the last time I messaged him. We'd been talking every day since we met (except today), but our conversations have been kind of boring. He stopped responding around this time yesterday, and I don't know why! I've been thinking about him constantly, and I even found his facebook and looked through all of his public pictures and his friends. I think there are two reasons why I want to be friends with him so badly. For one, he is from France and has a really cute accent, (there may be some kind of language/cultural barrier) but also because during our conversation he noted that he really felt strongly against sexual violence towards females (I know, interesting conversation) but I was really drawn to that because I've been a victim of sexual violence, and I normally feel that guys are out to objectify and/or violate me. I think he'd just be a good friend that I could feel safe hanging out with. I just feel bad because I don't want to smother him but I really want to be friends and hang out more during the summer. What do I do? Should I just let it go and admit that he doesn't want to be my friend?

This is kinda a tricky one, actually.

You say at first that you don't want a 'hook-up' but that he wants to meet you anyway...then many times later in your post you seem to suggest you're disappointed there WASN'T a romantic connection (aka hook-up with longevity). You go on to point out things you found not particularly enticing about him, but then mention that the real reason you want to be friends is because he's french and has a cute accent, and he has stated he doesn't beat up women (paraphrase)

First....it's not about the accent. While it is cute, remember, he is who he is if he had NO particular accent. Would you still find him 'friend' material? In fact, that seems a bit shallow--please don't infer an insult: most of us can get turned on by certain accents, but the fact is...it's shallow, if that's one of the MAIN reasons friendship is desired.

Second....it's not about his saying he's against hurting women (physically, sexually OR emotionally) because the fact is, if a man IS into doing that, they are generally not stupid enough to tell you. And I was involved with a man who swore he abhorred physical violence in general..against women in particular, and nearly from the day I moved in, until I moved out under police guard 6 months later, he beat me up emotionally first, then physically as his distain and disgust with my pleas for him to stop increased. In other words, just cause he talks the talk, doesn't mean he walks the walk.

My two cents: let it go. If he wants to be friends later, fine, but I think the more distance you put between he and you, the more likely you'll decide you didn't really want to be friends after all....that it was the accent, the first-time heart to heart and mostly, you're lonliness that tried to trick you into what could have been a disaster. At any rate, you deserve better.....not someone you have to qualify or explain.

Take care.

[gon3withth3wend]

You definitely have a point. I also won't deny my shallow qualities. Let me clarify -- lots of people use this app for quick sex. We started talking and agreed that we weren't looking for casual sex. I kind of lol'd when you said "hookup longevity" because those two things don't go together in my mind? I'm more looking for a friend or a relationship. I want the next guy I sleep with to care about me, so I want to get to know him first. When we were texting he kept on talking about how pretty I was, and he said he was 6ft tall, etc. And that wasn't true at all. We don't live extremely similar lifestyles. Going into meeting him I was expecting romantic potential. After thinking for a while, I decided that we should just be friends.

I would still want to be friends if it weren't for his accent. I actually thought that maybe we would connect better if it weren't for it. I guess that makes me want to hear him talk more?

I'm used to guys that laugh at rape jokes and I'd never talked to someone who shared my feelings towards it. We shared lots of viewpoints and I felt a connection with him on an emotional level and I could see myself opening up to him more than with almost anyone else... He's slightly anxious just like I am, and he's had some hard life experiences like I have, so I think that he'd understand me well. Maybe because I'm so lonely and I've never met a guy that I really felt I could talk to before, it seemed like he'd be a great person to confide in. It feels like he would understand me better than anyone else, even my best girl friends that don't understand the trust issues I deal with due to my abuse and everything. I for some reason feel like he's the only person that I've met that has the potential to understand me? I tell myself that's not true but that's how I feel?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

You definitely have a point. I also won't deny my shallow qualities. Let me clarify -- lots of people use this app for quick sex. We started talking and agreed that we weren't looking for casual sex. I kind of lol'd when you said "hookup longevity" because those two things don't go together in my mind? I'm more looking for a friend or a relationship. I want the next guy I sleep with to care about me, so I want to get to know him first. When we were texting he kept on talking about how pretty I was, and he said he was 6ft tall, etc. And that wasn't true at all. We don't live extremely similar lifestyles. Going into meeting him I was expecting romantic potential. After thinking for a while, I decided that we should just be friends.

I would still want to be friends if it weren't for his accent. I actually thought that maybe we would connect better if it weren't for it. I guess that makes me want to hear him talk more?

I'm used to guys that laugh at rape jokes and I'd never talked to someone who shared my feelings towards it. We shared lots of viewpoints and I felt a connection with him on an emotional level and I could see myself opening up to him more than with almost anyone else... He's slightly anxious just like I am, and he's had some hard life experiences like I have, so I think that he'd understand me well. Maybe because I'm so lonely and I've never met a guy that I really felt I could talk to before, it seemed like he'd be a great person to confide in. It feels like he would understand me better than anyone else, even my best girl friends that don't understand the trust issues I deal with due to my abuse and everything. I for some reason feel like he's the only person that I've met that has the potential to understand me? I tell myself that's not true but that's how I feel?

I once heard a saying...'In a true one-night-stand, mutual responsibility is purely accidental.' I always liked it because it's very true. And yes, I understand how you feel about the romantic part of it, but in my opinion, if there is a 'meeting of the minds and heart and hopefully sensuality', then it is a hook-up with longevity! lol

I get where you're at with it....please, again, don't think I was infering you were 'shallow'...just that if this were the only reason we found a person romantic material, it would be. Thankfully, you and most don't. And you're right...often it can be problematic in the long run.

Maybe you should look at this in a positive light: you say you've not met a guy you could 'truly talk to'...and that you're somewhat lonely. Well, this is a confidence building moment, really. Because, even if he's NOT the 'one'....you know you can put yourself out there and have a very successful bonding conversation. We don't always become fast friends with those we hit it off with. But we do gain insight into ourselves and others, which makes meeting and trusting the next person a lot more doable. Good for you

Take care

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

The skeptic and cynic in me says to avoid him because he's neither interested in anything other than a romantic/sexual partner, nor is he genuine, as I believe he probably made up that stuff about violence to look good and get on your side. Granted, I'd say similar things if it came up in conversation, but, ... put it this way, I do mean some things genuinely, so when I hear about guys going around ********ting women to get in their underwear, or whatever else, it pisses me off, because it's unfair to genuine people, makes a genuine person sound fake or easy to question, and it also makes me paranoid in an OCD-y kind of way (like, am I like that? Am I fake? And all these other second-guesses) ... that's the skeptic and cynic within; feel free to ignore it. xD

In a nut-shell, I'd let it go. You don't like him, anyway. Do you want a friend, lover, partner, or just someone with a cool accent? Haha. :P

Also, if he knew you have had bad experiences in the past, because you told him, then I imagine that would give him an even better shot to get in your good books, ... think of this way--and this is where my cynicism wins--what's more likely: you met some twit who wants a fling, or you met a genuinely decent guy? Remember where you met him, and the odds are then probably not in your favor. (if it's the sort of phone thing I'm thinking of)

I may be Mr. Negative and what-have-you, but as they say, I prefer to err on the side of caution. Sorry for being so cynical, pessimistic, negative, etc. I can't help being like this, ... so much ******** in the world - I'd rather just not assume good things, so I'm not let down when I meet, see, or read about a giant tit, which, as it happens, occurs too often. xD

[gon3withth3wend]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

The skeptic and cynic in me says to avoid him because he's neither interested in anything other than a romantic/sexual partner, nor is he genuine, as I believe he probably made up that stuff about violence to look good and get on your side. Granted, I'd say similar things if it came up in conversation, but, ... put it this way, I do mean some things genuinely, so when I hear about guys going around ********ting women to get in their underwear, or whatever else, it pisses me off, because it's unfair to genuine people, makes a genuine person sound fake or easy to question, and it also makes me paranoid in an OCD-y kind of way (like, am I like that? Am I fake? And all these other second-guesses) ... that's the skeptic and cynic within; feel free to ignore it. xD

In a nut-shell, I'd let it go. You don't like him, anyway. Do you want a friend, lover, partner, or just someone with a cool accent? Haha. :P

Also, if he knew you have had bad experiences in the past, because you told him, then I imagine that would give him an even better shot to get in your good books, ... think of this way--and this is where my cynicism wins--what's more likely: you met some twit who wants a fling, or you met a genuinely decent guy? Remember where you met him, and the odds are then probably not in your favor. (if it's the sort of phone thing I'm thinking of)

I may be Mr. Negative and what-have-you, but as they say, I prefer to err on the side of caution. Sorry for being so cynical, pessimistic, negative, etc. I can't help being like this, ... so much ******** in the world - I'd rather just not assume good things, so I'm not let down when I meet, see, or read about a giant tit, which, as it happens, occurs too often. xD

You're right. I deleted the app anyways. He has my number, but I'm letting it go. I didn't like him as much as I'm just longing for companionship. However, I find different people's approaches interesting. I hate when guys feel like they need to lie to get girls to sleep with them. He mentioned that he thought American girls were too easy, and I agreed. It seemed nice to hear him say that because I'm kind of done with hooking up with guys on our first dates, but at the same time I'm not at the point where I would easily turn it down if a guy wanted to? I don't understand it with so many guys.... like the last guy I was casually seeing that told me he loved me and would say all kinds of other stuff I guess to keep me sleeping with him even though I slept with him the first day we met so obviously I'm like not that hard to get? Wish guys could just be straightforward about their intentions. Ugh.

Thanks though!

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

So I met this guy earlier this week on a popular phone app. I've been pretty lonely but not looking for a hookup, and I explained that to him and he really wanted to meet me. I was feeling self conscious but I met him anyways. I don't think he was as physically attracted to me as he expected from my pictures. I do not falsely represent myself in my photos: I am a fairly attractive person, but I was not having the best day (or week). I've been kind of beating myself up because I feel like maybe he'd like me more if he thought I was prettier, and all I would've had to do was wait until maybe next week until I felt and looked better. He's not really my romantic type.... he's shorter, less muscular, doesn't eat well.... he's just not quite as masculine as I like, but I still found him intriguing and want to be friends.

Honestly, our conversation was just okay. We talked for three or four hours but there wasn't quite a romantic spark, I guess... I really at least want to be just friends. I keep on going on that app and seeing that he's been online but he hasn't messaged me back since the last time I messaged him. We'd been talking every day since we met (except today), but our conversations have been kind of boring. He stopped responding around this time yesterday, and I don't know why! I've been thinking about him constantly, and I even found his facebook and looked through all of his public pictures and his friends. I think there are two reasons why I want to be friends with him so badly. For one, he is from France and has a really cute accent, (there may be some kind of language/cultural barrier) but also because during our conversation he noted that he really felt strongly against sexual violence towards females (I know, interesting conversation) but I was really drawn to that because I've been a victim of sexual violence, and I normally feel that guys are out to objectify and/or violate me. I think he'd just be a good friend that I could feel safe hanging out with. I just feel bad because I don't want to smother him but I really want to be friends and hang out more during the summer. What do I do? Should I just let it go and admit that he doesn't want to be my friend?

Awe, you sound like a good person to be friends with. Maybe he is just busy or something. I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. Give it a few more days and if he doesn't respond by then then that means something is up. I've had people randomly stop being friends with me before so I know what that's like. Feel free to message me if you want to talk to me more. I'm here for you bud.

[brainhi]

Looks like you were trying turn him into something he is not - because you are lonely?? Do not take it personally. It can be hard on the self-esteem. And you may look "good" but looks are not the only thing that matters - If he did not think you looked good enough - let it go - another week would not make a difference. You cannot always help what you are attracted to. Do not fantasize about what a friendship with him MIGHT look like. Let someone prove "who they are by their actions" - not just words. When you are visiting those type of apps - they usually are checking out as many individuals as they can. Good Luck!