[Foreign_Soul]

My fiancé and I have been together for almost 2yrs now, were together 5yrs prior, and neither of us had been with anyone in between. We both want the same things in life- family, more kids (I already have one who he sees and treats as his own anyway), hopefully buy a house in the future, etc, etc.

Things haven't been easy because of a work injury 8months ago and the effect that has had on his mental health but he hasn't said anything about it to me until the other day, and even then all I got was that he's been depressed.

On top of that I have depression, PTSD, and severe anxiety. I suck to be around at times but when he won't talk to me it's a hell of a lot worse because then I get angry.
If we have a problem that I want to talk to him about he ignores me or distracts himself with his phone or xbox and he just doesn't talk to me about anything. So what starts out as something small that could easily be resolved ends up becoming this huge issue that leads to me exploding.
I am completely aware of this and I am working on changing my own behaviours because, aside from them frustrating him, they drive me bonkers!

But now I have his friends attacking me and telling him he should leave because I'm a b**** and that I'm ruining his life. One of these friends is medicated for depression and anxiety herself and still said "Please, go shoot yourself" (that is a direct quote). That was only the start from her but all together it has made me feel suicidal.
I have spoken to my fiancé about their behaviour and explained to him that it is not ok and I don't understand how he can stand by and say nothing to them when he knows their horrid attitudes are making me want to kill myself. To me that is him condoning their behaviour and being perfectly ok with his friends making me feel suicidal.
These friends don't know what's going on, they are purely making assumptions and attacking me for it when our relationship is none of their business anyway. And from what I have copped over the last few days they don't actually seem the least bit interested in what my fiancé wants, they are just pushing their own feelings, thoughts, and agendas on him because they don't like me.
I've been nothing but nice to these people (until they chose to attack me because I won't tolerate being abused ever again) and they still seem to hate me without even knowing me.

Am I wrong in thinking he should at least stick up for me and tell his friends to back off? That making his fiancé feel this way is not ok?
I'm not asking him to agree with me or even them, and I'm not asking him to choose between his friends and I- I've actually had to push him to make time to catch up with these friends- but I do expect that, as someone who swears they love me, he would find anyone making me feel this way to be unacceptable.

And how the heck can I get him to start talking to me?
I know it's difficult for him to talk to anyone but it's hard for me too- my entire life I've been told to shut up because no one wants to listen to me but I'm still trying because I want this to work.
He says he wants this to work too and, most of the time, his actions do back that up. But as far as his friends and talking to me go there's pretty much nothing.

I don't know what to do any more and I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of spending everyday so anxious that I need Valium to calm down.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated because I'm at a complete loss as to how to deal with this without causing more problems.

[bmoe73]

Seems like your in a tough situation. First thing that comes to mind is why is he letting his friends treat you badly. Do he and you get along? Does he know that you have suicidal thoughts bc of this? It seems there may be a bigger problem here. I wpuld suggest you have a heart to heart with him so that it is clear he understands your plight

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[Trippin2.0]

Firstly I find it extremely worrisome that these people even have the power to make you feel suicidal. I mean, I would completely understand if it was someone close to you, but its his friends...
So I'm actually at a loss there, but would suggest you reclaim your power, it has no business being in someone else's hands anyway.

Secondly, communication is key in any relationship, and when its lacking in a romantic relationship, allll sorts of shyt ends up hitting the fan.

If the 2 of you can't talk about the hard stuff now, it will only get worse during marriage, so if you can't find a way to communicate effectively on your own, I suggest couple's therapy.

Last but not least, I myself would feel gutted if my bf did not stand up for me if the situation called for it (such as you've described here) but that would probably be more because I know it would be very much out of character for him not to do so, and thus reflect badly on his feelings for me and our relationship.

My BIL on the other hand is very non-confrontational, he hardly stands up for my sister, figures she can fight her own battles without him running interference and making things even more awkward. She has struggled a lot with this in the past (inlaws and friends etc) but she admits that as much as it has hurt at times, she knows he's just trying to keep the peace and letting everyone sort out their own shyt.

On a side note, if these friends have always been good friends to him, it may be worth it to figure out exactly why they hate you. I'm not saying that there must be some type of blame placed upon you here, but generally good friends want what's best for eachother and if they're under the impression you're anything less than best for him, its worth investigating and addressing.

i.e What are their feelings based on, where did they get their information, and then work it out among eachother from there.

Just some food for thought

[catastrophic]

Actions speak louder then words hunni, it sounds like his actions are not proving to be very loving or loyal to you.

Maybe it's time for you to rise your price tag on yourself and expect better you deserve it.

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[bmoe73]

It seems your fiance has some hostility towards you. It seems he talks to his friends about you alls relationship. All of this must be a trigger for you. Maybe its time to take some time for yourself and step away from all of it just to for your emotional state. I think staying in that situation will really aggravate your triggers

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[Foreign_Soul]

Thanks for your replies everyone

My fiancé and I get along extremely well, we always have and he's the only person who has ever been able to make me smile when I don't want to. I know he loves me and I love him but we both have our issues. Neither of us have ever talked to anyone about ourselves because we've never had anyone who will actually listen. We know this about each other and we're trying to change this because we're aware that if we can't learn to communicate with each other then this is never going to work, no matter how much we love each other.
I already have a psychologist who I see roughly once a fortnight and my fiancé is starting to come along about monthly as well. And he does want to come too so it's not just me making him come!

Anywho....
He knows how his friends behaviour and attitudes are making me feel, we've actually managed to talk about that. He has finally said something to one of his friends but it's not either of those who have been attacking me.

Honestly, as far as I can tell, their only issue with me is that I have severe depression, severe anxiety, and PTSD, and they honestly don't know a damn thing about mental health issues. Even the one who's medicated for depression has no clue about it. So they treat me like crap because all they see is someone who is fine one day and then absolutely terrible and depressed the next. They don't understand, or even want to, that that is how it is for me and it's not as simple as "getting over it".
And that is exactly what they think- that everything is so damn simple and I just have to get over it. Yes it affects my fiancé, but I don't know many couples where one's mental health issues don't, as some point, affect the other! They seem to think it's just me being a b**** and that I'm deliberately hurting him and they don't want to hear anything to the contrary, even when it's the truth.
They don't even have any "information"! My fiancé has showed me the messages between them because he knows how much anxiety this is causing me and he's not actually telling them anything! He might say he's feeling kinda down because I'm not doing so great but that's it! There's not even any hostility behind what he's saying to them, they're just making assumptions and then attacking me for it!

Unfortunately my fiancé is very non confrontational, especially with his friends. He thinks if he speaks up and tells them to back off that they will see it as him taking sides and that they'll then walk away, even if he explains to them that he's not taking sides in any argument but that he's simply telling them to back off and stop abusing me. Unfortunately at least one of them will take it as him choosing sides. And she's also the one I actually asked to be one of my bridesmaids.
And I guess that's why their abuse is affecting me so much- I considered at least one of these people to be a close enough friend that I asked her to be a part of our bridal party! That and they are my fiancé's only friends. If we're going to spend the rest of our lives together then it's a reasonable conclusion that we will be spending time with these people and that isn't possible if they hate me for something I am trying to get help with but which may never go away. And I don't want to be the reason he loses his friends, no matter how disgustingly rude they are to me!

In fact, the only one of his friends who doesn't treat me like crap and who I actually get along with really well is ex-army and has spent time in a psych ward because of his mental health issues, PTSD being the main one!

Ok, enough rambling at people for today.... Hopefully it all makes sense....

[bmoe73]

When you say abuse..what do u actually mean?

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[brainhi]

I know sometimes my friends will only share with me the bad things going on in their relationship....and I want to support and protect them. What I have learned over the years is that it is important to share the good things about your relationship to your friends. I know many times I worry and follow up to see how things are coming along...and most of the time things are resolved - I get a little pee'd off....I wish they would have shared that with me as well!

It's your life and ultimately it only matters what the 2 of you think of each other. I agree that it is incredibly unhealthy to feel like ending your life because of his friends and the fact that your fiancé knows this as well...what a terrible position to be in for both of you. So glad that he is taking action and going to therapy with you from time to time.

You can only control yourself and your reactions to the friends...very difficult I am sure...because you all cannot be friends together. They may never understand your illness - that's reality. Pick people in your own life that understand you.

Good Luck!

[Foreign_Soul]

Originally Posted by bmoe73

When you say abuse..what do u actually mean?

Their abuse is mainly verbal but mixed with that, especially from my fiancé's female friend, is emotional abuse. And none of them will actually say anything to my face, it is all online so they can hide behind their computer or phone screen.

Originally Posted by brainhi

I know sometimes my friends will only share with me the bad things going on in their relationship....

The thing is he does share the good things that are happening. But it seems like they're intent on ignoring that and seeing only the bad because that then validates their behaviour toward me, at least to themselves anyway.

Yes, it is unhealthy for them to be able to make me feel suicidal but there's been a few other things which were already making me feel depressed which I've only realised after the fact. Their comments were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Unfortunately I'm now at the point where I will not make an effort with these people any more. I have been nothing but nice to them and they turn around and treat me like crap. I've already had far too much of that in my life.

Unfortunately I've moved around too much to make or keep friends so I only have my son, my fiancé, and a friend who lives over 200kms away.
I don't expect his friends to understand my mental health issues but it's not a lot to ask them to not make comments or assumptions about something they don't understand, especially when they themselves have said so many times that they are sick of people commenting on things they do (work, life choices, etc) that the other person just doesn't understand.

I just hope one day they can put aside their assumptions and crappy attitudes toward me for my fiancé's sake. It's not exactly fair on him that I don't want his friends at our wedding or even at our house because they can't be so much as civil toward me.

But my fiancé and I are at least talking now and it's helped a lot being able to reflect on things here too.

[healingme4me]

Good that you and your fiance are starting to communicate better. It can be tough, with two people with depression strike depression at the same time, who is the caregiver/ caretaker when that arises, right? Needs to be some flexibility when even 50/50 is improbable and then, it becomes 40/40 with 20%tossed aside, maybe in the air,who knows, it's just not always possible to be everything to someone and vice versa.
That's where either couples counseling itself or a mutual attempt at trying to reach that type of help through experience, literature, self help comes in.

One communications style that helps is using I v. You, as means of expression. However, I will point out, careful with that, to a sensitive soul, internalizing could occur..

Having discussion in third party expressions, how past experiences shape you, what you feel, how you form valid needs, what's typically stuffed down and why, sometimes works...

One thing, about that bf you describe, cutting off venting on short notice without an initial expression of limitations (i am human, i can only handle, this many hours, due to my own stress levels...) would be nice. Yet, once it's not so combative, and tense, is when it's easier to see.
Do you journal? Helps getting those impulsive anger/ frustrated moments out, sleep on it, then revisit, then devise a way to express it, without arguing. Careful about confusing your withdrawing from arguing with withdrawal of love.

:Hug:

PS. ..tell yourself, his friends aren't worth your stress. And noone can make you feel anything without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
And,...What other people think of me, is none of my business. (Catherine the Great) (reminded myself, right there, to revisit that one quote)


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