[agathasmw]

hullo,
am new to all this and i need some advice on what has been going on in my life. i am my mother's first born child and she and i have never had a calm relationship. i have never acted like a typical first born child like being responsible, organized or more mature for my age. i have made mistakes in my 26 years of living and i will be the first to admit them. i used to blame my mother for the decisions i made or how i acted because she was always controlling, suffocating, crticising and emotionally abusive and never happy with who i was which was not 'first born material' so i guess that is why i have always run away from responsibility. but i learnt the hard way that i may blame her for all the things i have done but that has not made me happy, or given me peace. so i decided to stop doing that and started taking responsibility for myself and try to make a life for myself. now am 26, working and trying to finish off school. but because of my past mistakes, i needed help which am thankful my parents are providing,i.e a place to stay when am not working out of town. as i try on making a change in my life, i can't help but desire a little support and encouragement, because i am struggling to not become bitter with my regrets. my father is supportive, and my mum has been as well. however with my mum, she is supportive one minute and when i disappoint her anytime, it quickly becomes emotional abuse such as you ruined my life, you destroyed this family, i hate you etc. such disappointments come out of let's saying coming home late..at 9 p.m. i should add that the rules at my parents' house are the rules for a sixteen year old. at first i struggled with them, however i came to an understanding that their roof their rules until i can leave. however any infraction on those house rules leads to these emotional outbursts and confiscating my phone. things became too much for me last night. i sat my final exams this weekend and was so very excited about what this could mean for my future. earlier during the year i had an old friend from school over to the house, he's a guy and it was during the day and i gave him some breakfast and lunch before he went on his way. my parents were out of the country then, and it was before a new rule of no guys in the house at all had come up( because i had had a guy visitor much earlier that i later told my mother about and we even had a good gossip about him) so i didn't see the need to tell her about this visitor 3 months later. the caretaker of my parents' house proceeded to tell my mother how i had a boy over and every little thing i have done while she was away,like coming home past 8pm, i wish i could even say that i partied in the house or did drugs or had sex in the living room...sadly none of that happened. it was coming home late and a boy over during the day. this led to ofcourse the same old emotional abuses except with some new ones 'i ended her marriage, i am a cancer within the family, all i have brought is grief to the family,i am an evil daughter' confiscating my phone and hitting me. but the thing is i hit back. i was suddenly so angry and done with this...drama i should say. she then proceeded to tell me to get out and get my own place to entertain 'my men' or better yet go get married( which is a sore subject for me cause i have never been in a relationship) . i am so numb to her right now and it's like i don't give a hoot about what she thinks anymore. i apologised because i did lie that there was no boy who came over cause honestly i didn't want to deal with her drama. and so i have been banned from having any visitors, i am to be home at 8 pm the latest, till i graduate and leave. and i have started to plan to move in a few months time. i guess i need some advice or feedback or something, i don't know. am i bad daughter? am i judging her too harshly...am just numb and confused about how i don't feel anything for her anymore

[gayleggg]

Was your mom always this abusive, even when you were a child or did this start after you moved back in? The rules she has set up are totally out of line with your age, but like you said as long as you are living under her roof you have no choice. I'm concerned that now it has escalated to pyhsical abuse on both your parts. It sounds like you are trying to follow her rules. You don't say what it's like when she is not on the warpath. Is abusive even when you haven't done anything wrong? I don't think you a bad daughter. I think you are having feeling due to the abuse she is dishing out. I don't think you are judging her too harshly, but still it's her house and until you get ready to move out you will have to deal with it, hopefully with no more pyhsical voilence.

You may at some point consider counseling to sort through your feelings toward your mom. Best wishes.

[waiting4]

I agree, the physical violence is very disturbing so I equally agree you should try to move as soon as is possible. Until then, try to stay out of her way and concentrate on your plan to move.

Best of luck. You're not a horrible daughter..you're just living under less than ideal circumstances.

[agathasmw]

when is she is not mad at me or disappointed, then she's loving, supportive and claiming that i am such a good daughter, but i know it never lasts. Yes she has been like this even as a child.just that this is the first time it has become physical towards me in 10 years.
Thank you guys for the feedback. Guess i will have to buckle down and get out soon

[SnakeCharmer]

Agathasmw,

To answer your first question ... you do not sound like a bad daughter to me. Under difficult circumstances, you have followed your parents' changing rules with respect and humility. But now the situation has escalated into a crisis. The fact that your mother hit you and you hit her back creates a very tense situation.

My first concern is your physical safety. Your profile says you live in Africa, but not where in Africa. Can you tell us a little bit about the options a young, single woman has in your country? If you move out of your parents' home, can you find a living situation that is safe and free from harassment? None of us here know the realities of life where you live, so please help us understand.

Your mother may have a mental health problem. It might not have anything at all to do with your actions as the oldest child. Even if you've made mistakes in your life, as we all have, it doesn't mean you're bad. You're working hard to complete your education and following strict rules. You sound like a person who is trying her best.

[agathasmw]

i live in east africa, where our society values discipline and obedience to your parents. You are expected to make your parents proud. Disciplining your child physically is normal in the older generation but dying out among the youth. Yes it's very possible to move out and live alone as a young single woman. But it will take some time, saving of finances and which is normal.however in the time that it will take me to save up enough money and search for a place or even a roommate to make it easier financially, i just don't know what to do about my mother. Living with her is now tense, and what really upsets me is that there other girls in my societ that have done worse than graduate late, like get pregnant out of wedlock, post nude pictures, heavy party girls ( which are all cause for disownment in my conservative society) and yet the fact that am not even dating and all am focusing on is work and school seems to bypass her and all she can focus on is that her friends' kids have graduated, gotten married and i haven't.it's like she can't forgive me for doing that to her and if any of my siblings stumble in life ormake mistake as they are to do as they are now 18 and above, i will get blamed for it. That what they do is because of me.
Maybe i should give some background on my mother. She got married at 23 and had us. She has let us know many times that she wished she had made a different choice, in getting married and in a husband..since we were children by the way and has always looked to me to us as having to show her it was all worth it to her i guess. So the fact that i have done nothing of note for her is what brings the emotional outbursts/abuse.
It's like i just snapped that night. I couldn't believe she would attempt to hit me now over this of all reasons which was to receive a visitor during the day and the fact the caretaker told her makes her assume that she is being talked about ,laughed at by her neighbours, friends, relatives. It's all about her. She has forgotten that i am suffering too. That i have only had two friends visit me all year,this guy being one. That i see my friends in relationships or getting married or getting promotions and i regret my past and am now fighting for my my future, to her it's about her and her suffering as a mother. She will buy u something nice as a gift and then turn it around when she is upset and say look what she does for us and how we reward her as ungrateful children and am just sick and tired and fed up

[StuckinRut]

I can totally identify with what you wrote. In fact I might have written something similar about my relationship with my mum. Both of my parents were quick to anger. They would commonly say very harsh things. Although there was never any physical violence. I suspect that you mum, like mine, is unhappy in her own life and somehow seeks to address that by "correcting" you. But you are not responsible for any mistakes and wrong choices that you mother made. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's very hard to deal with parents who are this controlling!

[agathasmw]

yeah, and you know parents, when you try to break away or stand up for yourself, you end up feeling guilty because they are your parents and you love them, messed up as they are no matter what and you want to make them happy and it's just exhausting when you know you won't always will but you keep trying anyway...

[SnakeCharmer]

Agathasmw, thank you for the information.

Your mother sounds like an unhappy woman, suffering from her own emotional disturbances. It would be very nice if she felt happy in her life, with her marriage and her children, but when you get right down to it, you are not responsible for making your mother happy. It is not your fault that she felt she made a wrong choice when young. As StuckinRut says, she may be trying to address her own unhappiness with her life by correcting you. But, really, right now you're working very hard, following strict rules and trying to do your best.

You sound as if you know what you had better do -- work hard, save your money and get your own place as soon as you can afford it. In the meantime, it may be best to try to avoid confrontations with your mom, seeing that anger and violence can quickly escalate.

You're doing a good job under difficult circumstances. Believe in yourself and you will soon be able to live your own life.

[agathasmw]

thank you guys for the kind words..made me feel better and more focused on what i need to do right now regardless of the circumstances.
God bless you all