[henrietta-the-hippo]

I'm sorry I can't be more specific in my header, I just am unsure how to categorize it since there is a lot on the table as far as subtopics are concerned.
If you are patient enough read this in full, thank you for bearing with me.

My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for just over a year now. originally he lived in North Carolina, but has migrated to a location slightly closer to myself in Chicago. I personally struggle with the distance, and he has also expressed some concerns of his own, but so far we have managed fairly well. In struggling with my depression i'm often worried it will steer him away, seeing as more of a burden falls on him to reassure and comfort me. I'm composing this post as a way to vent what I feel, because usually I am not graced with such an opportunity, and also to ask for advice. I'm worried about the extent of my feelings...and the repercussions of what I might do if things do not work out.

Upon taking the relationship attachment quiz, I scored a 110 in relationship avoidance, as well as a 85 in relationship anxiety. These results have only confirmed my fears and suspicions. In terms of my personality and sociability, I am very closed off, and find it difficult to meet people, make friends, or essentially open up to anyone. My inability to open up has lead to a lot of difficulties in our already difficult relationship. I often express my concerns to him about being too dependent on him. Every night we skype for a couple hours, but I usually spend the rest of my night crying. I don't expect anyone to sympathize or relate, but considering all the other aspects in my life, he is the only person who sees me as being worth something. After each session I am forced to return to the realization that I am worthless. I get so physically depressed I cut. a lot. I'm left feeling so alone...My thoughts scare me as well as tempt me. I haven't told him how severe things have been for me, but he does know the majority of it. He has noticed that towards the end of each night I begin to shut down. He even asked if it was worse to spend time and miss him so much afterwards than not spending time at all. My nights before and without him I are just as empty. Usually the severity of my depression increases with the hour, getting the most severe at night. I use him to distract me, remind me that I am loved, to talk me down, to keep me from doing things I regret. Regardless of what we try to do, I still get sad...The worst part for me is that he sees it as a personal failure that he can't cheer me up, and takes it even more personally when I cut. It's so difficult for me. I'm balancing precariously between being so sad that I feel like I need to cut, and knowing that by cutting, I've made him feel like a failure, adding on and worsening my sadness. I don't know what to do....

Despite his reassurances that he loves me and plans to marry me, I have severe trust issues. Distance being a significant factor for me. It's hard to believe that despite being hundreds of miles apart one can remain faithful...and there have been slips on his part....

Before meeting me, He was in love with his best friend. They were even at one point living together. I remember crying for days when we first met and he told me how much her loved her. It broke my heart, I was already In love with him by then. He used to make comparisons between me and her, unknowably no doubt, but they cut like knives, and often prompted me to cut afterwards also. Because he would always talk about her, I always compared myself to her, always finding that I fell short. She's beautiful, thin, according to him has a great personality, etc. Whereas I am ugly, could benefit from losing some weight, and struggle with being personable. We've somewhat come to terms with that since then...but I still struggle to not get upset when she appears in the topic of conversation.
In February, I came across an account with his number, where his profile picture was of her, and he was pretending to be her. (I'll go into more detail about why later on.) Needless to say I was upset. It ruined me for a while. To pretend to be her instead of me, his girlfriend crushed me. I didn't understand why he used her instead of me. I never got an explanation...and it's a touchy subject for us both. But I've interpreted it to mean she would attract more attention, seeing as she's much more beautiful.
When drinking with his coworkers (largely female) I'm always slightly paranoid something intimate could happen...He kissed a girl on the cheek once. I forgave him because he was drunk and several people could vouch it as unintentional, but I hate the idea of him drinking now because of it.
Another coworker of his despite knowing he was dating me, and having him physically say that he wasn't interested, sent multiple invitations to her bed....that leaves me in constant fear that he might be tempted. He's a virgin also....Many girls are starting to notice him, and he doesn't realize how attractive he is, and is completely oblivious to all the flirting....it's both a good and bad thing....

Something the both of us are coming to terms with are some of his sexual turn ons....he's intrigued by the idea of becoming 'female.' and gets aroused easily by it. I originally didn't have any issues with it...but I've begun wondering if I'm feminine enough.... I don't dare tell him this. I'm afraid he'll take it to mean I don't enjoy it, and he'll shut down and never bring it up again. I don't want him to hide himself from me, I want him to feel accepted. I do sometimes enjoy it, but lately, when that's all our sexual plights are, it just makes me feel like I'm not enough. I struggle to know what to do with this. How to handle it. I love him. I struggle with the idea of also loving a her. I don't know what to think. Is my body not enough? He says he loves it, but then why does he see it necessary to also become female? he tells me it's the idea of being emasculated and feminized....but does then then mean I am by default more masculine? I don't know what my role is in any of this...I just want him to see me as feminine and beautiful too....

[waiting4]

Welcome Henrietta,

I am sorry you're feeling as lost as you seem to be, and I wish there was more I could offer in the way of advice. I do understand what you're feeling, and I think your concerns are valid where your bf feels the need to 'pretend' to be his former girlfriend. That is odd, to say the least. I'm also not certain why she even gets to BE the topic of conversation when the two of you have been together for over a year now. Do they work together? And I certainly can understand it having a go at your self-esteem when he does talk about the two of you in comparison, as well as the whole 'feminine' issue.

That said, I really do think you should talk to him about it...maybe not on skype, but in person. You have valid concerns, and just because you're not sure if they're all in your head, so to speak, does not make them invalid. I do want to assure you tho, that just because he gets turned on by the idea of being feminine whilst making love, that does NOT make you masculine by default! I am quite feminine by anyones imagination, yet was told by a man (co-worker when I was in my twenties) who loved to dress in womens clothing when he went out (it made him feel sexy) that I turned him on immensely. I was flattered (also had a bf, btw) and as I hadn't much experiance with this, I was surprised as I too thought he would naturally be turned on by a more masculine woman.

We talked and I found out that nothing was further from the truth. So please don't let you mind make assumptions that may not be true. Do consider talking to him about it. Perhaps with a couples counsellor. Do you have a therapist yourself that you can speak to, as well? I'm concerned about your cutting because of your hurt.

There are other forums on this site where members might be able to help you more with this issue between your bf and yourself. I wish I could be more help, but my experiance has been limited in this area.

Please know we care here....and (reading your status) please don't give up on this site so soon!

[IceCreamKid]

Hi Henrietta,

I've read your posts. Welcome to PsychCentral. Would you consider getting counseling? You mention you are a college student--perhaps there is counseling available through your college? I think you would find it very helpful. I see a couple-three different issues in your post here, and I believe counseling could help you with them. You do have worth and it is easy for me to see. You are talented and express yourself well. Counseling could help you see what I see in you.

While you might want to reject this, I would also suggest you set aside a day or two a week where you do not talk to your boyfriend. Then when you do, you can choose topics that don't have to do with unhappiness or self-worth. Why don't both of you discuss a movie you have both seen or something interesting you have learned in class or where your fantasy vacation would be? (Mars, for me!) Make that conversation brief and upbeat.

On the days when you are not in communication with him, plan fun activities for yourself--walk the dog, do your nails, attend an event at college, watch a good movie, go for a bike ride.

I hope these suggestions help.

[Trippin2.0]

I know I'm prone to being in the unpopular opinion camp, but I'll share my 2c anyway.

Henrietta, I don't think a relationship is a good place for you to be at this time, because from what you've written, this relationship seems to destablize you more often than not. The fact that its a LDR really doesn't help at all...

There's just not enough opportunity for you to feel reassured and to build confidence within your relationship, and I'm afraid its placing you in repetitively dangerous predicaments.

And please don't think I'm judging you, I'm not, I used to SI too, and actually learned how to stop because I am in a healthy relationship.

If a relationship is causing more turmoil in your life than actually benefitting you and bringing contentment to your life, then that's not a healthy place to be, regardless of being inlove. That's not to say the 2 people are doing anything wrong to eachother, but they might just be wrong for eachother, or the circumstances or the timing of the relationship are just presently less than ideal. Its not neccessarily someone's fault.

I honestly fear for your safety, and even though I've shared what I think, I won't presume to have the right to tell you to leave your bf.

I agree that you definitly need counselling tho, that's something worth looking into. A therapist can guide you on the path to a healthier you, and thus you can learn to be a healthier gf in turn...

[Travelinglady]

Hi, henrietta-the-hippo! These folks have offered advice and food for thought, and I can't think of anything else to add.

I hope you will see how many folks here are also looking for friends and having difficulties with relationships. You are not truly alone.

Okay?

[henrietta-the-hippo]

Thanks everyone for your help, I really do appreciate it.

Trippin,
Thank you for your concern. I agree with you...both of us do actually. Neither of us are in a particularly sound position to be dating each other, but would you believe me if I said he has helped me a lot too? I used to be a lot worse.... We agree completely that our circumstances aren't making it easy on us, but I do rely on him, and when I am happy, he is the source. I'm afraid to lose that. Honestly, I don't get much other contact or conversation outside of him. My family and I aren't that close, so communication is limited, my friends and I have dwindled apart with time, and so it's usually hard for my to find comfort in anybody. despite our being apart the majority of the time, from the start he has let me know he cares about me, has always been there for me, and that's more than I can say about anyone else....Yes, I get destabilized by him sometimes, but he is also my only source of stability, and my only constant. If I lose him, I lose my happiness, my comfort, and my stability. I'm not sure I could handle that....

IceCream,
Thank you....
I've already tried to suggest taking small breaks within the week, but in those time periods I generally falter and partake in some unpleasant S.H. activities. He somewhat relies on our time together also. I realize i'm caught in a bind. No matter what I or we try to do, I hurt myself. Being with or without him doesn't change this. My quest for happiness has been a long one. I've become so impartial to everything it seems as though I'm incapable of being happy now. I'm happiest when I can just talk to someone. If you've read the above you'll see that I don't get that opportunity, and If I try, generally no one will listen. I value out time together so much because he spends him time talking with me, and not only that, listening. In a sense, he's been my therapy. He listens to my issues, talks through everything with me, consoles me, and does his best to make me feel like I matter. I haven't gone to therapy because I am terrified of it. I have a hard time opening up to people...It took me months to even muster up the courage to talk to people. I don't think I would be able to open myself in a way that is necessary for therapy to be beneficial, and I don't want to hear that there's something wrong with me. That I need more medication, That I need to work on myself. I don't see the point in paying someone to tell me what I already know, That I'm broken.

Waiting,
Thank you...I'm heaving a big sigh of relief. How were you able to talk about stuff like this with your coworker? I'm struggling to bring it up with him. It's a sensitive subject obviously, and not being an expert on the subject, I'm afraid I'll overstep my boundaries.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by henrietta-the-hippo

Thanks everyone for your help, I really do appreciate it.

Trippin,
Thank you for your concern. I agree with you...both of us do actually. Neither of us are in a particularly sound position to be dating each other, but would you believe me if I said he has helped me a lot too? I used to be a lot worse.... We agree completely that our circumstances aren't making it easy on us, but I do rely on him, and when I am happy, he is the source. I'm afraid to lose that. Honestly, I don't get much other contact or conversation outside of him. My family and I aren't that close, so communication is limited, my friends and I have dwindled apart with time, and so it's usually hard for my to find comfort in anybody. despite our being apart the majority of the time, from the start he has let me know he cares about me, has always been there for me, and that's more than I can say about anyone else....Yes, I get destabilized by him sometimes, but he is also my only source of stability, and my only constant. If I lose him, I lose my happiness, my comfort, and my stability. I'm not sure I could handle that....

IceCream,
Thank you....
I've already tried to suggest taking small breaks within the week, but in those time periods I generally falter and partake in some unpleasant S.H. activities. He somewhat relies on our time together also. I realize i'm caught in a bind. No matter what I or we try to do, I hurt myself. Being with or without him doesn't change this. My quest for happiness has been a long one. I've become so impartial to everything it seems as though I'm incapable of being happy now. I'm happiest when I can just talk to someone. If you've read the above you'll see that I don't get that opportunity, and If I try, generally no one will listen. I value out time together so much because he spends him time talking with me, and not only that, listening. In a sense, he's been my therapy. He listens to my issues, talks through everything with me, consoles me, and does his best to make me feel like I matter. I haven't gone to therapy because I am terrified of it. I have a hard time opening up to people...It took me months to even muster up the courage to talk to people. I don't think I would be able to open myself in a way that is necessary for therapy to be beneficial, and I don't want to hear that there's something wrong with me. That I need more medication, That I need to work on myself. I don't see the point in paying someone to tell me what I already know, That I'm broken.

Waiting,
Thank you...I'm heaving a big sigh of relief. How were you able to talk about stuff like this with your coworker? I'm struggling to bring it up with him. It's a sensitive subject obviously, and not being an expert on the subject, I'm afraid I'll overstep my boundaries.

Hi there.....I guess I kinda want to address all the replies you made starting with Trippin's, if you don't mind ....I am still concerned that so much of your happiness and stability depends on your bf or any other person, for that matter. I'm glad he is a help to you and that you feel you are as well, for him. But I do have to agree that finding some outside interests (interests that you can enjoy without his input--not necessarily 'outside') does not make you a 'traitor' to the relationship, but can actually bring even more balance to it, rather than make it feel unstable. Just a thought.

Your reply to Icecream is also concerning, and I do understand that you are frightened of Therapy...I don't know ANYONE who rushed into it with glee upon realizing they either had a MI or thought they were having sufficient emotional issues in their lives to need someone to help work thru those troubles. It's a scary thing...learning to trust someone who for all purposes of intent is a stranger, at first. But henrietta, your bf was a stranger before you met him. I'm not saying you would form that kind of bond with a Therapist, just that you've proven you can learn to trust someone enough to share emotional issues you're experiencing.

And Therapists have something your bf cannot (as much as I'm sure he wishes he could) give you....they have training, understanding from a perspective of helping people much like you, thru the most difficult times in their lives. I encourage you to at least consider it. Remember, the first time with a T does NOT have to be a 'lay it all on the table' session. Just get to know them, help them get to know you...as slowly as you need. Find level. For your sake and your bf's sake, you deserve to have help to find level.

Now for me. It was actually funny how the conversation came about and I'm not sure how helpful it would be...I was at a party given by my best friend...lots of people we knew, co-workers, friends of co-workers, dates etc. The conversation (as it often does with randy 20somethings) turned to sex and we'd all had enough to drink that no one was feeling particularly self-concious. The topic soon went to gay men, lesbian women, and everything in between and that was when my friend stated his preference for womens clothing when he went out dancing (there were several gay clubs in the area and in the neighboring state a half hour away--obviously, although WE were open minded, this was the south and the only place he felt comfortable dancing with a dress on was at a gay club) and I just inquired further. It was facinating to me as I'd never met a transvestite. I asked if he was gay and he laughed and said "NO!" and then told me if I didn't already have a bf he would have hit on me a long time ago! lol It was a fuzzy but interesting night to say the least.

My only suggestion is that you do talk to him, in person preferably and possibly under the guise of exploring sexual fantasy's between you, and clearing up any misconceptions at the same time. If you present that you are interested, rather than worried....curious rather than self-concious, and keep the conversation as light as you are able, he may find it very easy to tell you how he feels. Leave the ex out of it, as well as his 'pretending' to be her. It's NOT about her---it's about both of you. If it makes it easier...practice with a teddybear or some other non-threatening stuffy....until YOU feel okay with it...and practice HOW you want to bring it up. At the party it was just a natural progression. So find something that you CAN bring up comfortably that you can 'naturally progress' to the topic you want to...and then, have fun with it.

Good luck, and I hope this helps

[henrietta-the-hippo]

Thank you, it is extremely helpful actually.

I'll need to build up the courage, but I've got just over a week till his next visit to figure it out. This may be a slightly naive question, but would you consider him to be a transvestite? I guess I'm not sure how to categorize this interest of his, and I definitely don't think I could bring myself to ask, or that he could bring himself to answer.

I also would like to thank you for your concern. It really does mean a lot to me. You're right to say right now my happiness does depend on him. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I suppose I get a small level of satisfaction out of reading or playing violin, but lately I tire easily of them. I still prefer human contact over my own company. I'll continue the search for new things, although I'm realizing I'm pretty picky.

As for going to therapy, I'm going to struggle with this idea. My boyfriend would be the first to tell you conversing with me is far from easy, I tend to avoid talking about myself all together and coaxing more than a sentence out of me can sometimes take hours. Beyond the idea of having to open up for therapy, I don't know what it could do for me. If the answer is listening, I can't see much of a benefit. I don't understand how me relaying my issues to a professional could possibly help me. I'm open to the idea of discussing therapy, but at this point in time, I don't think I could make the visit. I don't even know what I would say.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by henrietta-the-hippo

Thank you, it is extremely helpful actually.

I'll need to build up the courage, but I've got just over a week till his next visit to figure it out. This may be a slightly naive question, but would you consider him to be a transvestite? I guess I'm not sure how to categorize this interest of his, and I definitely don't think I could bring myself to ask, or that he could bring himself to answer.

I also would like to thank you for your concern. It really does mean a lot to me. You're right to say right now my happiness does depend on him. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I suppose I get a small level of satisfaction out of reading or playing violin, but lately I tire easily of them. I still prefer human contact over my own company. I'll continue the search for new things, although I'm realizing I'm pretty picky.

As for going to therapy, I'm going to struggle with this idea. My boyfriend would be the first to tell you conversing with me is far from easy, I tend to avoid talking about myself all together and coaxing more than a sentence out of me can sometimes take hours. Beyond the idea of having to open up for therapy, I don't know what it could do for me. If the answer is listening, I can't see much of a benefit. I don't understand how me relaying my issues to a professional could possibly help me. I'm open to the idea of discussing therapy, but at this point in time, I don't think I could make the visit. I don't even know what I would say.

First, only your bf could catagorize himself, if he felt it appropriate, as I'm sure you know but as far as is he a transvestite? Not necessarily. In the case of my friend, he only wore womens clothing when he went dancing...didn't particularly care to wear it before or during sex...it was the lead up to a romantic liason that turned him on. There are some men (and women, btw) who wear the opposite genders underclothing beneath traditional garb on a daily basis, but wouldn't enjoy wearing dresses/suit-clothes at other times. I guess it's up to the person, as far as why and when they wear them. Remember tho, you're not trying to find a label for him (even if perhaps in the back of your mind it might be easier to understand if you could) when you talk to him...you're just working out what would be fun for both of you, sensual, exciting...that's it. If in his case, if its wearing womens clothes or underwear, once that topic is on the table you can ask if there is something you can do to make his experience (and yours more enjoyable). Like I said, just have fun with it; if you're comfortable, so he will be.

I totally get the human contact over other things...I live alone and while I don't mind and mostly prefer it, there are times when I miss people (even tho I see them all day long at work--not the same thing) but then I have chat room clients and of course PC to turn to. For me that's enough, but of course I recognize what's good for me may not be for others. No matter what you choose to do, just...again, have fun with it, don't pressure yourself to excel at what you choose....it's meant only to broaden your spectrum and possibly give you and your bf something else to discuss and enjoy together when you get together again.

As far as therapy, I'm so happy you are going to consider it. I know it's difficult and it's scary....but I have to again say that you'd never be expected in the first session to do or say anything that's going to take you out of your comfort zone. The help you get from a therapist is the ability of that person to guide you to where you need to be in your life: stronger, less dependant but yet able to appreciate your bf (as an example) for who he is rather than only what he does to keep you feeling safe, and in that way, you become a better person, a better gf and a much more positive partner. Please remember, they are trained...have experiences that you haven't had, that they can share, ways to help you feel more calm, more motivated and far less fearful. And btw...medication shouldn't be a terror for you either. Again, the first session should be about getting to know the T, and letting them get to know you.

And also, yes, it's harrrrrrd to talk the first time....it was for me. I respect your worry, but as has been mentioned on this site from members far more eloquent than I am...if you can't say it....you CAN write it. You are very gifted in explaining how you feel, what you fear, and what you hope. If you can't say these things aloud to a therapist, write them down, and give these notes to him/her. They will appreciate, trust me. And it will give them a huge lever in understanding how best to help you.

Be well, and message me anytime

[Trippin2.0]

For yearrrs I dodged therapy, I did not like the idea 1 bit!

But I wanted to give my relationship a fighting chance, (I was repeating certain mistakes and drowning my bf with the weight of my issues), I so much wanted my bf and daughter to see that I'm serious about wanting to heal, so much so, that I actually started therapy at the beginning of this year.

Idk, maybe I hit a type of rock bottom that made me desperate enough to do what I always maintained I would never...

Therapy is about you, your pace, your level of comfort, your progress... if need be, the T will go at a snail's pace, because its not about them, but about the client.

Its weird for me to say this looking back, but I find it pretty darn special that I have a dedicated space during the week that's just about me, my needs, my wants, my fears, my feelings, my progress... its actually kind of empowering and has helped me quite a bit already.

[henrietta-the-hippo]

I'm really glad that therapy has helped you, Trippin.

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly goes on in a session with a therapist?

[Trippin2.0]

Depends really, on the type of therapy the client seeks out... so what happens in session varies from client to client.

I'm primarily there because I need to learn emotional regulation, so my main goal for therapy is to learn techniques that will help me in my relationship, and thus in life. But sometimes session doesn't go as planned, sometimes I unexpectedly spill the beans on things I didn't even realize had bugged me during the past week

I was very rigid going into therapy, I just wanted it to be about "The Goal", but in becoming more comfortable with my T, and attempting to be more flexable, I've actually started talking about some of my currently shytti experiences, and I'm finding therapy pretty therapeutic. Who woulda thought??? Definitly not me no

I'm really not the dredge up my past traumas type of gal, (although there are many and I'm far from a closed book) but I am open to talking about it when its relative, like if its actively affecting my present.

So at the moment my therapy is fluid, we discuss and work on whatever the hell I'm struggling with presently, but it always ends with a type of goal or focus, so as not to lose track of what actually brought me there.

Its been a really validating experience, I never would've imagined it being so, that's for damn sure.

[PennsyR]

If you are able to figure it out, please let me know. I am in a similar situation...

Good luck!