[MindDiver]

My partner and I have been living together for about two troubled years. I'm going to make this as short as possible as this is a subject I could definitely write a book about:

Our most recent conflict involved me telling him, briefly, about an event(months ago) that lead to PTSD for me. I have been through quite a lot in my life and have my issues with depression and anxiety and it's quite disappointing to have experienced this on top of everything else we were dealing with as a couple and on an individual level. I have done my best to cope and have confided in a friend. I have not brought the subject up with my psychologist as of yet as we are working on other issues(I JUST started seeing him) and, quite frankly, it is difficult for me to talk about.

After less than a week of things going a bit better with my partner, feeling a little more closer to him, and so on.. I thought it was time to try and get some closure. We were discussing a subject related to the event and I felt it was time to give him an explanation. Previous attempts to talk about this event have NOT gone well so I've avoided it, aside from very brief mentioning and a mild panic attack. The last time I confronted him about it he became angry, ran off, and then sent me a very harsh email. That was not an unusual response from him. When I've tried to talk to him about things, in a calm/constructive manner, he often shuts down or attacks.

So I explained why I seemed troubled when a certain person(connected to the event) called and let him know I was coming to terms with that and did not want it to interfere with his communication with that person. I then, briefly, told him what impact that event had on me("haunts" me, think about it every day, nightmares, going cold/numb, intense pain) and what I had gone through(panic attacks, terrified thoughts, etc) that day. I did not use accusatory language or place blame.. or anything of that nature. The event involved something he did, for the record. I finished speaking. He said nothing and was staring forward at his computer. This isn't an unusual response for him but.. it was troubling. In my mind, a hug would have meant so much to me. A word.. anything. It's difficult to explain but it felt like a moment with a great deal of potential for healing. I was ready. He said/did nothing. I asked why he wasn't saying anything.. he said he didn't have anything to say. I asked why(I forget the order/how I worded things).. he said "what am I supposed to say to that?" I said, calmly, that a hug, sitting next to me, an apology, or any comment would mean a lot to me. He did nothing.. stared forward. I started crying. He did nothing. I left the room. I returned and explained what I needed from him and how troubling it was that he didn't say anything. Nothing. I spent time alone, then sent him some articles on invalidation. He responded with "I didn't do any of that." I asked if he knew why I was upset. He said "because I wasn't responsive." I had hope and asked if we could talk. He entered the room. I asked him some gentle questions and offered some advice/etc. We touched upon how his family dealt with issues, without him going into detail. I asked what he was feeling in those moments when I open up to him or show emotions. He said it stresses him out and he shuts down/feels numb. I explained to him how important it is for me to get some comfort from him in those moments and how upsetting it is for me to not receive it. He said he can't comfort me/etc because it feels "inauthentic" because, in that moment, he feels nothing. I stressed that it's still a need I have. The subject was changed. At the end, he wanted to leave and return to his computer. I had hoped for a hug or kind word. I'm not sure what I asked or said but.. he came back with "do you care that that experience was upsetting for ME?" I said nothing as I was a bit stunned/hurt. He said "I guess not" and left. I followed and said..something like.. of course I care, I always care, I always comfort you when you're upset, but it doesn't mean that I don't need support as well. I forget what I said exactly. Somewhere, in all of this, he made a very invalidating statement. He actually made a few, basically arguing about the details of what happened. What he said was not true, and I was left feeling completely dismissed.

We haven't been talking. I've made attempts. I sat down and, once again, told him how painful it is to not receive comfort from him when I'm hurting. I said I was ready to move on from the event but needed to finally talk to him about it. Nothing. I started crying. He stared at his computer. I gave up.

This is how it goes, almost every time I try and open up to him. It's something I cannot fathom as I'm a person who drops everything and rushes in if I see someone I love is suffering. It kills me to see him cry and any anger/my own feelings dissolve upon seeing this and my focus turns to comfort. I'm also a person who wants resolution. I want to thoroughly(if needed) discuss things in a calm manner. I'm always open to explaining myself, apologizing, and trying to understand the other person. I'm far from perfect but nothing is more important to me than having a healthy relationship and feeling a deep connection with my partner. Obviously, we differ and it's been difficult for me to cope with, to say the least.

This is basically the cycle we often face:
- Something is hurtful for me. This could involve a personal attack/criticism/scolding during a conversation, something completely unrelated to our relationship, or just a concern I've expressed.
-I express my feelings or concern very calmly, generally a pleasant tone, etc.
-He either shuts down(stares forward), leaves, or makes an invalidating comment(in an angry or annoyed tone).
-I am now hurt/upset, on top of whatever hurt or concern I had just expressed.
-I express that I'm upset.
-He becomes upset with me or stares forward/leaves.
-I cry. He does nothing. I leave the situation. I feel horrible at this point and do my best to cope.
-I return when I've calmed down and explain why I was upset. At this point, I usually apologize.
-I am to blame for "creating drama." I apologize. I no longer try to get validation from him. I feel bad for trying to talk about things with him, I blame myself, I get very upset with myself, I feel alone, and I feel afraid of what he will say/think about me.

That's the common theme of our relationship. I do not know how to get out of the cycle. I've tried talking to him, I've sent him various articles, I've suggested couple's therapy, and so on. In response to my couple's therapy suggestion he once said: "I don't think anyone can understand what you're like in those situations." So, I feel, even if we went to a couple's therapist he would just feel they weren't seeing the full picture.

When I turn to friends(the few I have, none of whom live here), I always tell his side of things to the best of my ability, defend him, and am honest and upfront about anything I feel I've done wrong. I value these people because I feel I can trust them to give their honest, non-biased opinion. I also value them because they've(one in particular) helped me to stop taking full responsibility/blame for everything and to, most importantly, realize I'm not crazy/over-reacting/overly sensitive/etc.

I'm currently feeling very depressed and hopeless over this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Most importantly, I would like to know how I can cope. I don't want to feel guilty for talking about my emotions and I don't want to believe that my partner doesn't love me. He does some things to show he loves me, he does offer support, and our relationship is not completely devoid of caring/enjoyment. Still, I do not feel loved right now. There are other issues beyond the aforementioned concern but.. it's a huge one. What can I do to help him to understand?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, MindDiver, and welcome to Psych Central! Honestly, I'm not sure you can do anything to help him to understand. You seem to have tried everything under and over the sun.

You might check into the book "The Five Love Languages" or a book similar to it. What I understand is that people feel loved in different ways. Some feel loved when their significant other spends time with them, does things for them, etc. It sounds like your boyfriend might not be able to give you what you need to feel loved.

You say the idea of joint counseling didn't work. I suggest you go by yourself to talk about this issue and other ones.

I hope things work out for the best.

[Trippin2.0]

I read this the other day and it struck a chord:

"Never apologize for how you feel, it's like apologizing for being real."

I think you and your bf seem grossly incompatable emotionally. After all you've described, I just cannot identify a middle ground upon which you two could meet.

I think his excuse for not going to couples therapy was flimsy at best. You've described your situation in living colour to us, I have no doubt that a T will be able to get a clear picture, especially if you discuss this trauma you mentioned, as bf would be giving his input as well, verbal or not. The T would see the interaction first hand actually...

My T doesn't see my life first hand, but so far he's pretty good at grasping the situations I bring up in therapy, its what they're trained to do, they don't shadow us in our everyday lives and then make observations from there.

So yeah, flimsy at best...

If he's not open to therapy with you, I would strongly suggest re-evaluating this relationship.

Can you really spend the rest of your life with someone who unabashadely invalidates all your difficulties?

I know I could not.

[tinyrabbit]

It's not really about whether he loves you - it's about whether you are emotionally compatible.

It seems like you're trying to encourage him to change but you can't change other people - they have to want to change themselves.

I don't know where his behaviour comes from, if in childhood he learned the wrong things about situations where someone is upset, but I feel really sad for you. This isn't good enough. A partner who ignores and rejects you when you're upset is not good enough.

It doesn't matter if he loves you. What matters is whether your relationship has mutual respect, empathy and kindness, which it does not.

[jamiller]

In 2008, my T explained to me that I cannot change other people. He said the only thing I CAN do is change how I allow those people to (or that person in your case) make me feel. Those words have recently come back to help me in what I refer to as a toxic relationship. I can only change how I allow people to make me feel. It's not easy!!! But that thought process has recently helped me again. My choice was to leave the emotional blackmail. It may not be how you choose to go forward but please know you CAN decide to control how your partner makes you feel.

[MindDiver]

I'm sincerely thankful for the kind replies. I guess I realized long ago that we are not emotionally compatible but I'm not ready to leave the relationship. The pattern I mentioned above has been going on for a long time/often, though. There is also just a lack of conflict resolution, the ability to discuss topics, and a lack of the close/connecting conversations I desire. There is also resentment, on his part, as well as criticism, coldness, and so on. I've worked on my own part in the relationship and will continue to do so. One of my biggest problems that I brought to the relationship would have to be my insecurity. When he backed off of affection/sex/compliments/other forms of intimacy pretty soon into the relationship, it troubled me and left me asking questions, not getting answers, and getting upset/"filling in the blanks"/etc. I would type more but I'm actually in a hurry to be somewhere.

Jamillier - do you feel that I'm "emotionally blackmailing" based on my description?