[StuckinRut]

I should begin by giving a little of the back ground to this post. It's a long story, but to summarise in brief my parental family were very controlling and also verbally abusive to me in the past. I would say that they are toxic. Although I now live 200 miles from my parents they have tried to grasp for control in the past. For these reasons I've been trying hard to set healthier boundaries. For the past few months, and following helpful advice from people on this forum, I have reduced the frequency of my telephone calls. I also try to avoid topics that can be trigger points for difficult conversations. I feel that these measures have made a big positive difference to our relationship. A few days ago I spoke to my grandma over the phone. The whole of my parental family, including my sibling live in the same town. They lead very interdependent lives. My parents are currently on holiday. My grandma explained that she has recently experienced some unexplained pains. She has not told my parents about this because, to quote her "she doesn't want to worry them". This sounds like martyrdom to me. None the less, the more I think about the symptoms that she describes the more I feel concerned about it. This weekend I have called her 3 times. I care a very great deal about my grandma. But at the same time I do not want to get drawn into their co-dependent circle again. I spent the best 9 years of my life living at home. During those years I supported my mum when she was unhappy with other family members. I had to explain all of my movements, and had no social life. This may sound hard and callous but I don't want to look after any member of my parental family full-time should they become ill. I'm would want to help them, of course, but not be a full-time carer. I feel I have given enough and sacrificed enough already. Also I'm just beginning to untangle the deeply knotted threads of my own physiological problems. I don't want to be drawn back into their toxic web again. My parents have big expectations that I am going to give up my entire life to become their carer should they require one. It is quite possible that they will, as they suffer from several unhealthy additions. This expectation has never been stated explicitly but I know how they think and they have strongly hinted at it. I feel that my parents will watch very closely how I react to this. If it draws me closer to them they will use illness as another tool by which to manipulate and get what they want. Does anyone have any advice as to how I handle things, both now and in the long term?

[SnakeCharmer]

Stuck, maybe it would be good to slow down a little. You've jumped ahead into thinking about the horror of giving up your life to provide full time care for your family before you even know if your grandmother is sick.

I'm pretty sure your situation will feel easier if you back up a step or two and think about only urging her to see the doctor to get it checked out. If you called her three times, you obviously care about her.

It's okay for you to have an adult to adult conversation, telling her that her symptoms sound worrisome to you and you would really appreciate it if she saw a doctor ASAP, just in case she needs treatment. Calmly and rationally. No hand wringing. I trust your judgment about your parents having a keen eye for seeing opportunities for future manipulation. At this point, it's just urging grandma to act responsibly.

As an adult, you can share that concern with your grandma without getting hooked back into the family dysfunction. If you're worried that it could be her heart or cancer or some major organ system, it's okay to urge strongly. If it's a pain in, say, her foot or knee -- in other words something unlikely to be fatal -- it's okay to make your suggestion and step back into detachment. Grandma may ignore you. But you will know that you made the the effort.

It's like this: If you fail to encourage her to seek medical advice because you're worried about future caregiving duties that may never happen ... and then if something really dire befalls grandma ... and she gets life-threateningly ill with something that could have been prevented with early diagnosis and treatment ... well, it's likely you'll beat yourself up for a long time. That's just human nature. For just about anyone with a functioning conscience. For adult children of dysfunctional families it's almost the default position.

Talk to Grandma about doing the adult thing -- getting it checked -- for your own peace of mind as well as for her health. If she ignores you, there's not much you can do. But if you know in your heart you talked to her as one adult to another, you will have nothing to beat yourself up about if things suddenly go South.

[Rose3]

Hi Stuck - I do know what you mean when you say that it might sound hard or callous but you don't want to look after a family member full-time, and that you want to help. This is sort of what I experienced before one of my parents died, as I wanted to be there to help, but did not want to find myself lost in the caregiving role. So - I figured that to maintain my sanity and my own life, it would be better for me to be helpful regularly, but to also carry on with my own life.

[Mr. Michael]

Hi there,
I'm in a similar situation to yours. My family (parents, siblings, grandparents) all live 500 miles away in the town I grew up in. I love my family but there was always some kind of drama so I liked my separation. However, 11 years later and getting married and having a kid I thought it would be a good idea to move back home. I moved home last December. But the drama started immediately and I quickly moved back to where I was living.

My parents can also be toxic for me. But I love them and my siblings and in some way I want to be there for them. I'm not sure how old you are, but when I realized my parents weren't going to be around forever it really made me more inclined to deal with the crap. It's definitely tough trying to set boundaries but still trying to have a relationship with your family.

Maybe you can write out specifically what things you are willing to do to help your grandma. Like making doctors appts. for her researching her symptoms. You could also do the same for your parents if they ever need care. That way you know ahead of time what you will and will not do. That might give you some comfort in know to what lengths you'll put yourself out there. Hope that helps...

[StuckinRut]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies!

SnakeCharmer: yes, you're quite right. I lost my sense of perspective and jumped ahead. I think that you're right, I should simply view this as a discussion between two adults. When speaking with my parental family this might be a good technique to try to maintain a healthy distance.

Rose3: sure, that makes sense. I think that this feeling of guilt that we experience if we don't please our parents is one of the ways in which they exert their control. I guess I've lost sight of what is reasonable to expect.

Mr. Michael: I think that's excellent advice. I will make a list of the kinds of things that I'm happy to do and be clear where my boundaries lie.