I wasn't sure where to post this, but since it's about a friend, I guess this is an OK place to do so. Anyways, my best friends dad died a couple of months ago from a blood clot in the hospital. He had a heart attack a few weeks before that and had surgery. My friend was super close to her dad, and to make things worse, she has had to endure one bad thing after another for the last couple of years. One of them being that she's out of work and her unemployment benefits ended months ago.

Of course, I listened to hear talk on the phone for hours & I sent her a card and I offered to send her flowers, but she told me that I didn't have to, so I didn't. She told me to save my money as I'm not working either. The funeral was small, so I wasn't invited. It was mostly a family affair. She is a strong person, so she is dealing with his death fairly well although she did cry a lot in the beginnning of course. She is also close to her mom and one of her uncles and she has a few other close friends too.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I'm reacting to this situation the right way. Should I call her or email her more often to see how she's doing? She suggested that we get together more than a few times since we haven't seen each other in over two months, but every time she either forgets, or something comes up.

I'm confused as to what is going on here. Is this how people act when they're greiving? Do their emotions go up and down for awhile? I know that sounds silly, but I need to hear other people's opinions about this as I've never known anyone who's dealt with this before.

I also have another friend who's mother died while she was on vacation to visit them. How awful! This death was a bit different though as her mom had a stroke several years ago, so she kind of lost her a long time ago.

She was upset of course, but she was much more prepared for her mom's death than my best friend was and she is acting like her usual self again. Why would my best friend say let's get together and not call or email me? I don't get it. I'd think that she'd want support now more than ever! Of course, I'd understand if she'd rather be alone now, but why say I miss you, and let's get together soon and then not follow through? It's not like her usually.

Am I being a good friend or not? I think I am, but if anyone thinks I can do more, let me know. It seems to me as if my best friend is kind of avoiding me and other people as much as she can for now so that she can grieve in private. I don't know. I'd appreciate any advice.

I almost forgot to mention that my best friend's "second mother" (her other best friends mother) died a few weeks after her father did. So I probably won't be seeing her for awhile. Like I said though, if she'd rather be alone now, she should just say so and not keep saying let's get together all the time and then not do it. It's not the biggest deal there is. I just want to know if this is a normal part of the grieving process. How long does the grieving process take for most people anyways? I know that it varies with each person, but in general, how long does it take for most people?

[hvert]

Wow, that's a really tough situation. Grief really does affect everyone differently. Being unemployed, having your father die unexpectedly, and then someone else you are close to - that could definitely trigger depression. Where this has been going on for a while now, it may not be something she snaps out of.

I wonder if there is a way you could approach her without adding more stress?

[gayleggg]

I would continue to email and text her, even if she doesn't reply, she will know you are thinking about her. When dealing with grief it is not uncommon to feel like doing something one day and feeling too depressed to actually do it, so I wouldn't take it personally. Just knowing you are there if she needs you will mean a lot to her even if she doesn't know how to express it at this time. Grief can take time. She may even need counseling to help her get through this. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I almost forgot to mention that my best friend's "second mother" (her other best friends mother) died a few weeks after her father did. So I probably won't be seeing her for awhile. Like I said though, if she'd rather be alone now, she should just say so and not keep saying let's get together all the time and then not do it. It's not the biggest deal there is. I just want to know if this is a normal part of the grieving process. How long does the grieving process take for most people anyways? I know that it varies with each person, but in general, how long does it take for most people?

Hey Shy....

First, as you probably know on some level, at least, everyone suffers with grief in different ways. I know people who've grieved using all the so-called 'levels' and others who went from anger straight away into acceptance. It's different for everyone.

That said, what your friend is going thru is basically an emotional explosion...rather like walking into a shed unawares there is a grenade preparing to go off. Near as I can tell from your description, her reactions are quite expected (I hesitate to use the word 'normal' for obvious reasons...) and she sounds as tho she does appreciate your support and your regard.

Making plans then breaking them, is totally understandable as well. She may have thought she could do it...and then suddenly realize she couldn't--this could be because she is afraid of looking emotionally fragile (you stated she was a strong woman....maybe she wants you and others to continue believing that...even if, in this at least, she doesn't feel it) and then again, maybe something really DID come up. The rollercoaster she is on right now did not come with a handbook so she could navigate the twists or turns and I'm sure she is doing the best she can to avoid being flung off.

This brings me to you. I feel you are trying to be a good, supportive friend, but I also warn you against (for your own sake) taking her reactions and actions during this time, personally. It's not about you. This is not about you. It's about her. So do what you've been doing...offering support...listening when she says not to send flowers etc because she knows your situation--but continue to offer to take her out occasionally (don't nag) and mostly....just email her....tell her...write her--in another card---that she need only ask and you'll be there for her in whatever capacity she needs.

The best thing you can do to help your friend, is assure her that you'll be there...especially when everyone finally moves on, and gets back to their own lives...leaving her with what's left of the shed she walked into unawares. Let her know..........that especially THEN.....you'll still be there for her.

Take care

Originally Posted by hvert

Wow, that's a really tough situation. Grief really does affect everyone differently. Being unemployed, having your father die unexpectedly, and then someone else you are close to - that could definitely trigger depression. Where this has been going on for a while now, it may not be something she snaps out of.

I wonder if there is a way you could approach her without adding more stress?

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Yeah, it sure is! I don't except her to just snap out of this anytime soon. I know for sure if this happened to me, I would barely be able to function most of the time for a long time! If she is depressed, then she is doing one hell of a job hiding it well as she is one of the most upbeat and cheerful people that I've ever met in my life!

She told me that she's just happy to be alive and that it's hard to not be happy when she looks at her funny dog. Of course, she could still be depressed at times. I never really thought about that since she doesn't sound the least bit depressed anymore. I haven't seen her since this happened. I'm not really taking this personally of course. I just needed to understand why she is acting the way that she is as I've never been through this situation before with a friend.

I have told her to call or email me if she needs to talk and I meant that. I'll email her today to see how she's doing. I won't ask her if she'd like to go out or not. If she wants to go out, that's fine. I'll offer to take her to the movies again, but if she's not up for it anytime soon, then that's fine. I understand that everyone grieves differently.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I would continue to email and text her, even if she doesn't reply, she will know you are thinking about her. When dealing with grief it is not uncommon to feel like doing something one day and feeling too depressed to actually do it, so I wouldn't take it personally. Just knowing you are there if she needs you will mean a lot to her even if she doesn't know how to express it at this time. Grief can take time. She may even need counseling to help her get through this. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

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Hi gayleggg, that's exactly what I'll do! I'm going to email her later today and ask her how she's been lately and that I'm thinking about her. Like I said, I'm not really taking this personally. I just needed some answers as I've never dealt with this situation before with any friend.

What confused me the most if that she seemed so "normal" and upbeat like usual during our last few phone conversations. She talked about other things, she asked me how I'm doing, and she and I talked about both serious and non-serious issues as well. I haven't seen her since her dad died, so I have no idea of how she's really doing.

Even if I did, I'm sure that she would act like her usual upbeat and happy self again probably. For all I know, she could be hurting on the inside more than I realize. All I can do is just be there for her. I'll ask her again if she'd like to see a movie and go out to eat, but if she's not up for it, don't worry about it, we can always do this when you're up for it.

Originally Posted by waiting4

Hey Shy....

First, as you probably know on some level, at least, everyone suffers with grief in different ways. I know people who've grieved using all the so-called 'levels' and others who went from anger straight away into acceptance. It's different for everyone.

That said, what your friend is going thru is basically an emotional explosion...rather like walking into a shed unawares there is a grenade preparing to go off. Near as I can tell from your description, her reactions are quite expected (I hesitate to use the word 'normal' for obvious reasons...) and she sounds as tho she does appreciate your support and your regard.

Making plans then breaking them, is totally understandable as well. She may have thought she could do it...and then suddenly realize she couldn't--this could be because she is afraid of looking emotionally fragile (you stated she was a strong woman....maybe she wants you and others to continue believing that...even if, in this at least, she doesn't feel it) and then again, maybe something really DID come up. The rollercoaster she is on right now did not come with a handbook so she could navigate the twists or turns and I'm sure she is doing the best she can to avoid being flung off.

This brings me to you. I feel you are trying to be a good, supportive friend, but I also warn you against (for your own sake) taking her reactions and actions during this time, personally. It's not about you. This is not about you. It's about her. So do what you've been doing...offering support...listening when she says not to send flowers etc because she knows your situation--but continue to offer to take her out occasionally (don't nag) and mostly....just email her....tell her...write her--in another card---that she need only ask and you'll be there for her in whatever capacity she needs.

The best thing you can do to help your friend, is assure her that you'll be there...especially when everyone finally moves on, and gets back to their own lives...leaving her with what's left of the shed she walked into unawares. Let her know..........that especially THEN.....you'll still be there for her.

Take care

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Hi waiting4, that's true that everyone deals with grief differently. I know for sure that I'd be a total mess for months at the very least! But I think that's because I have depression and in general more sensitive than most people I know. I don't deal with stress very well at all, but some people can to some degree.

About breaking plans, it's not a big deal to me, I'm just trying to figure out why someone says one thing and does another. I tend to take things literally at times and since I usually mean what I say, I expect other people to do the same usually.

I get what you're saying though. That makes perfect sense btw! I don't get why she's afraid of letting her guard down though. Not everyone can be strong all the time. I'm her best friend, so she can feel safe letting her guard down with me at least!

I'm sure that she feels that I'm a good and supportive friend. I was there for her when she needed to talk all the time in the past, and even more so now than ever! I also get what you're saying about other people as well. It's sad but true unfortunately-

Most of those people will just move on and forget about this eventually. I won't. If she needs me, I'll be there for her still. I'll let her know that today. I'll just say, how have you been lately? I miss you and I'm thinking about you.

If you'd like to see a movie and maybe go out to eat sometime, let me know. If not, that's OK, it can wait until some other time. I understand. Of course I won't nag her! She is more independent than me it seems like and I'm certain that she'd rather greive privately.

She never liked going out when she wasn't feeling happy, so it makes sense that she wouldn't want to go out now of course. I was just confused by her behaviour since she seemed so upbeat and actually a little eager to see me after over two months time, but I guess I was wrong about that.

Again, I'm not taking that personally considering what she's going through. If she is depressed or unhappy now, she is doing one hell of a job hiding it very well as she sounds so upbeat and positive still! I guess that some people are just very good at hiding their pain, even from the ones closest to them.

[Trippin2.0]

I didn't want to go out and socialize no matter how positive I sounded when my dad died.

Well sometimes I thought I did but usually resulted in hating the experience I as ended up feeling overwhelmed, like the pressure was on to remain upbeat and positive whilst out.

Best support I got from my bff and bf was when one of them showed up at my house with food and movie in tow....

I'm not saying you should just show up at her house randomly, idk if you 2 even have that type of relationship, but staying in might be worth suggesting as opposed to going out.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I didn't want to go out and socialize no matter how positive I sounded when my dad died.

Well sometimes I thought I did but usually resulted in hating the experience I as ended up feeling overwhelmed, like the pressure was on to remain upbeat and positive whilst out.

Best support I got from my bff and bf was when one of them showed up at my house with food and movie in tow....

I'm not saying you should just show up at her house randomly, idk if you 2 even have that type of relationship, but staying in might be worth suggesting as opposed to going out.

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Sorry to hear about your dad- I hope that you're doing better these days. I understand what you're saying, it makes perfect sense. I'd kind of feel the same way too at times.

I would never just show up at her house. Anyways, there was a miscommunication on both our parts. She recently emailed me and she was wondering why she didn't end up hearing back from me! So I emailed her back. I'll give her space for as long as she needs it. I'll also be there for her if she needs more support.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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Sorry to hear about your dad- I hope that you're doing better these days. I understand what you're saying, it makes perfect sense. I'd kind of feel the same way too at times.

I would never just show up at her house. Anyways, there was a miscommunication on both our parts. She recently emailed me and she was wondering why she didn't end up hearing back from me! So I emailed her back. I'll give her space for as long as she needs it. I'll also be there for her if she needs more support.

Thank you, its been a while now so I'm mostly ok

Don't worry, I didn't mean to imply you should show up at her house randomly, I know its not something that's ok with everyone, I just know that I appreciated it a lot. Firstly because it was a nice surprize and secondly because I probably would've blown them off had they called me first. Showed me they knew what I needed better than I did...