[namastewoman]

Okay, here is the deal. I have gained over 100 pounds since I started taking antidepressants and now guys are not as into me. When I was skinny, I dated all body types - short, tall, fat, skinny, ugly, cute, etc. NOW, when I could really use a date and some fun, guys are not giving me the double take anymore. How do I get the attention of men to let them know I want to date? I am still the same cute girl, just heavier. I am trying to lose the weight but prefer not be lonely until I weigh 130 again. It took several years to get my weight this high and I am assuming it will take several years to get it back off. In the meantime, any tips on finding guys who do not mind dating larger women?

Originally Posted by namastewoman

Okay, here is the deal. I have gained over 100 pounds since I started taking antidepressants and now guys are not as into me. When I was skinny, I dated all body types - short, tall, fat, skinny, ugly, cute, etc. NOW, when I could really use a date and some fun, guys are not giving me the double take anymore. How do I get the attention of men to let them know I want to date? I am still the same cute girl, just heavier. I am trying to lose the weight but prefer not be lonely until I weigh 130 again. It took several years to get my weight this high and I am assuming it will take several years to get it back off. In the meantime, any tips on finding guys who do not mind dating larger women?

That's a tough situation if you're used to getting looks for your appearance primarily.

As a guy I won't lie, I tend to look at the females of an ideal weight and size (small, petite, thin) but the truth is, even the heavier women can get my attention if they were to make it clear they were interested. I am going out on a limb here and realize this may make me look bad that I can be somewhat superficial in who I look at :/ But truthfully if a girl approached me or showed serious interest in me.. I wouldn't ignore it just because they were a bit overweight.

One example would be when I was working at a Target there was this cute redhead taht always flirted with me. She was attractive, but not because she was the ideal weight or had a certain look but because she had a nice personality and was flirtatious and bubbly (I did find out later she wasn't nearly that cute as she flirted with all the guys and this, while having a boyfriend already but that's not important here). Anyway what I am saying is she got my attention by flirting and paying attention to me.

Don't let your weight get in the way of meeting guys, you just might have to be more active about meeting them than the girls that are thinner.

On another note, keep in mind having hordes of males flocking to you might seem nice but remember most of these guys are thinking with the wrong part of their body anyway and probably haven't even seen or care about your personality. (not all but a lot of them) so it's not all bad that you don't have tons of guys trying to pick up on you

[Nightside of Eden]

The only "tip" really is to put yourself in lots of situations where you meet people and to work on being confident enough in your appearance to show interest in men. Big women who are confident rarely have trouble getting dates, but you may need to meet more men to find ones who either prefer big women or don't care than you needed to meet when you were thin.

Of course, if you end up with a man who prefers big women, he may become less attracted to you when you lose weight, lol. So that's something to consider if you're looking at a long-term relationship.

[soccerdad]

That's a tough one but the reality of the world we live in is initial attraction usually is physical. Women will look at muscular attractive men before others and men will look at fit, chesty women first. It may not be right or fair but its true.

I agree with Sandman that you will have to start making the first move more often then you would have before. Speaking as a man, we do look at hot women but we will date women of all shapes and sizes. Sure there are the shallow materialistic percentage but for the most part we all don't have strict physical appearance standards. Looks are usually what get you noticed so if you can't rely on that then you have to change your approach. BTW I am saying this as a 5'5" man who was 120lbs soaking wet until I was 23 yrs old so I know what it's like to not be noticed by the opposite sex.

Just chat up a guy and you may be surprised how easy it is. Heck, men like attention too you know lol

Originally Posted by soccerdad

That's a tough one but the reality of the world we live in is initial attraction usually is physical. Women will look at muscular attractive men before others and men will look at fit, chesty women first. It may not be right or fair but its true.

I agree with Sandman that you will have to start making the first move more often then you would have before. Speaking as a man, we do look at hot women but we will date women of all shapes and sizes. Sure there are the shallow materialistic percentage but for the most part we all don't have strict physical appearance standards. Looks are usually what get you noticed so if you can't rely on that then you have to change your approach.

Agreed, though I would expand on your original thought about physical appearance. I wouldn't quite generalize about muscular men being more looked at or "busty" women. Depends on the other person too. I personally am NOT attracted to large bosoms, at all. With all that said I wouldn't turn them away if there were other thngs attractive about them but pretty much I like small in all ways I'm sure I'm not alone either

and

BTW I am saying this as a 5'5" man who was 120lbs soaking wet until I was 23 yrs old so I know what it's like to not be noticed by the opposite sex.

heh. I'm 5'2" and 130 lbs now. I still get noticed some.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Agreed, though I would expand on your original thought about physical appearance. I wouldn't quite generalize about muscular men being more looked at or "busty" women.

And as a woman, I would expound on that....I am absolutely turned off by the 'body-builder steroidial' type of guy...don't care for a man significantly overweight although that has more to do with my being little and not wanting to be squished. lol

That said, men of average build attract me, and thin ones too depending on personality. Height has never been an issue for me (I'm 5'5") and I know a significant portion of the lady population feel as I do. When it comes down to brass tacks, it IS more about personality tho. If a guy can make me laugh, that's the first step for me. If he can actually hold a conversation, and has an opinion...oh wow, we're nearly there. After that, it's about the physicality. If you've seen the extreme spectrum of men I've dated over the years, you'd understand what I mean...for me, sexy is confidence, a good sense of humour and a nice smile.

After that...it's all cream

Originally Posted by waiting4

And as a woman, I would expound on that....I am absolutely turned off by the 'body-builder steroidial' type of guy...don't care for a man significantly overweight although that has more to do with my being little and not wanting to be squished. lol

That said, men of average build attract me, and thin ones too depending on personality. Height has never been an issue for me (I'm 5'5") and I know a significant portion of the lady population feel as I do. When it comes down to brass tacks, it IS more about personality tho. If a guy can make me laugh, that's the first step for me. If he can actually hold a conversation, and has an opinion...oh wow, we're nearly there. After that, it's about the physicality. If you've seen the extreme spectrum of men I've dated over the years, you'd understand what I mean...for me, sexy is confidence, a good sense of humour and a nice smile.

After that...it's all cream

I am not trying to feed into a stereotype but I believe it's been said that generally speaking men are more physically attracted and visual. So unfortunately for all women, its part of why women who want to attract men tend to push the physical aspects of themselves more.

You're 5'5" and you have trouble with height? how so? Females that aren't tall are quite attractive IMO. I think many males like having women shorter than them too. Of course that's rather difficult for me since I'm a borderline midget

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I am not trying to feed into a stereotype but I believe it's been said that generally speaking men are more physically attracted and visual. So unfortunately for all women, its part of why women who want to attract men tend to push the physical aspects of themselves more.

You're 5'5" and you have trouble with height? how so? Females that aren't tall are quite attractive IMO. I think many males like having women shorter than them too. Of course that's rather difficult for me since I'm a borderline midget

You're silly and you're not hearing (reading) me lol I do know men are visual, but I have to disagree that they are the only ones that are...women can be quite that way, but we also (here comes that blasted generalization) can be more eager to take a man based on his personality first, physicality second. Not always, unfortunately.....we've learned to starve ourselves to appeal to a man who's been trained by media to think thats what they want. And less than 100 years ago, zaftig was the accepted norm...imagine Marilyn Monroe being considered fat, now!! lol

And I said, or I thought I did, that I DON'T have an issue with height. I'm not particularly tall, so I enjoy a man a little taller or shorter, but the 7 ft behemoths need to check it at the door, come to think of it! lol

Both genders can be generalized, and both can be materialistic and both can be visual. But personally, it's what MAKES the man, that makes me want the man...not necessarily the first blush of what he looks like.

Hope that clarifies hehehe

Originally Posted by waiting4

You're silly and you're not hearing (reading) me lol I do know men are visual, but I have to disagree that they are the only ones that are...women can be quite that way, but we also (here comes that blasted generalization) can be more eager to take a man based on his personality first, physicality second. Not always, unfortunately.....we've learned to starve ourselves to appeal to a man who's been trained by media to think thats what they want. And less than 100 years ago, zaftig was the accepted norm...imagine Marilyn Monroe being considered fat, now!! lol

And I said, or I thought I did, that I DON'T have an issue with height. I'm not particularly tall, so I enjoy a man a little taller or shorter, but the 7 ft behemoths need to check it at the door, come to think of it! lol

Both genders can be generalized, and both can be materialistic and both can be visual. But personally, it's what MAKES the man, that makes me want the man...not necessarily the first blush of what he looks like.

Hope that clarifies hehehe

Me silly? NEVER. >.>

Although there are exceptions to the rule I think that what I ws trying to say is ifor the most part, men primarily lean toward being more visually driven than women. Again Not always but I think that's true.

I don't think that men have been trained to think that's what they want. I think that the media has affected what is the accepted ideal today, in relation to the physical attractiveness, but I think it's the opposite. I think that for the most part the reason that physical attractiveness of women is used so heavily in advertising and media is because men are visual. What types of women are sexy changes with era but I think it remains that for centuries men have been looking at women's figures and women have been dressing up for them. I think this fact precedes the media's influence in that way... but here I go getting all analytical on things :P

I did misunderstand or misread your post about having an issue with height.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I think this fact precedes the media's influence in that way... but here I go getting all analytical on things :P

I did misunderstand or misread your post about having an issue with height.

Probably true, and equally true, one could debate this subject till the cows churn their own butter....with one factor continuously true...as you said, tastes change...with time, with the weather, with location, with culture...what works for us here won't work for someone in brazil or bengahzi or poland or naples, necessarily. Doesn't make it wrong. Just makes it different.

And I stand by my comment that it's about confidence more than anything else. So the OP should understand and believe in herself, and try to feel and act as confident as she can, because men are more attracted to women 'who've got their own' to quote Billie Holliday....independence has many faces...and one of them is confidence.

And yes, you are (silly), because yes, you did

Originally Posted by waiting4

Probably true, and equally true, one could debate this subject till the cows churn their own butter....with one factor continuously true...as you said, tastes change...with time, with the weather, with location, with culture...what works for us here won't work for someone in brazil or bengahzi or poland or naples, necessarily. Doesn't make it wrong. Just makes it different.

And I stand by my comment that it's about confidence more than anything else. So the OP should understand and believe in herself, and try to feel and act as confident as she can, because men are more attracted to women 'who've got their own' to quote Billie Holliday....independence has many faces...and one of them is confidence.

And yes, you are (silly), because yes, you did

Ultimately it is personality and confidence, this is true. But getting back to the original question and post, as it is... she may have to go out of her way a bit more to gain the attention and show her confidence and personality. Whether or not it's because of her weight or other factor that is the reason for hre not getting hit on as much, the fact is that she's not so she probably needs to be a bit more proactive about it

[ChipperMonkey]

Speaking as someone who spent quite a few years being overweight, and then lost a lot, I can truthfully say that there's definitely something to guys not being as attracted to a heavier female. I'm now within 20 or so pounds of my goal weight and getting the attention is actually scary because I never know how to respond. Everyone else learned this at a young age while I was heavy and getting no attention, so yes, I'm a bit behind the curve, and a tad naïve because of it! Just be yourself, and be engaging.

Originally Posted by namastewoman

Okay, here is the deal. I have gained over 100 pounds since I started taking antidepressants and now guys are not as into me. When I was skinny, I dated all body types - short, tall, fat, skinny, ugly, cute, etc. NOW, when I could really use a date and some fun, guys are not giving me the double take anymore. How do I get the attention of men to let them know I want to date? I am still the same cute girl, just heavier. I am trying to lose the weight but prefer not be lonely until I weigh 130 again. It took several years to get my weight this high and I am assuming it will take several years to get it back off. In the meantime, any tips on finding guys who do not mind dating larger women?

It's not a matter of letting men know that you want to date, you can do that just as easily as you did before. I suppose it's likely or possible that men do not find you as attractive anymore now that you have put on a deal of weight.

If you are into online dating you can probably search for males who are looking for a particular weight range, and then contact them.

[Raindropvampire]

I am a big girl and always have been. So was my sister. Our dating lives were night and day. I have never had a problem getting dates and she almost never got asked out. It all comes down to one word: CONFIDENCE. I know I'm big but I also know I'm pretty. I've done plus sized modeling and such. I tried to get my sister into it because she was beautiful but she always felt you couldn't be big and be pretty. I have always been very confident and apparently guys just react to that. I am the first big girl that my husband has ever been with. I asked him once what it was he noticed about me. He said first it was my eyes, hair and smile. Then when he actually got to meet me he said it was how overwhelmingly confident I was and my personality in general.

Just remember you can be beautiful at any size. Have confidence in yourself and people will just seem to gravitate to you. It really does happen. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

It all comes down to one word: CONFIDENCE. I know I'm big but I also know I'm pretty. I've done plus sized modeling and such. ...Have confidence in yourself and people will just seem to gravitate to you. It really does happen. Good luck.

*ding ding ding*

I have been "svelt" and "head-turningly-thin" [literal description someone said], and also over 100 pounds heavier than that.

When I was the super thin and lean and OMG turning heads, wearing a little black dress me... I really didn't think much of myself at that point. I wasn't really thinking much of anything, actually. I had very little confidence in myself, I actually wondered why people were looking at me a lot.

100 pounds later, I somehow got myself back, I'm seriously obese, but the tables have completely flipped. It's like I'm way more attractive than I have ever been in my entire life?

It's kind of cause I am pretty sure I'm cute and fun and pretty awesome. I think i just present myself differently in how I face the world. I don't actually assume that a person should be less attracted to me because my butt is bigger or something. I might assume they may be slightly less attracted because my mouth is rather big and I don't shut up half the time, but physically... if they aren't into me, they just aren't. Chemistry is made up of a whole lot of things. To be honest, i have been attracted to people and been completely taken by surprise.

Where was i going with this?
Oh right. Assume you have something to bring to the table- because you do. Don't let something like a dress size hold you back- it shouldn't.

Yes, confidence is very attractive.

Totally impressed by this conversation. I have nothing to add but I am proud of the members for putting their all into helping solve this conundrum. Kudos =D

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

*ding ding ding*

I have been "svelt" and "head-turningly-thin" [literal description someone said], and also over 100 pounds heavier than that.

When I was the super thin and lean and OMG turning heads, wearing a little black dress me... I really didn't think much of myself at that point. I wasn't really thinking much of anything, actually. I had very little confidence in myself, I actually wondered why people were looking at me a lot.

100 pounds later, I somehow got myself back, I'm seriously obese, but the tables have completely flipped. It's like I'm way more attractive than I have ever been in my entire life?

It's kind of cause I am pretty sure I'm cute and fun and pretty awesome. I think i just present myself differently in how I face the world. I don't actually assume that a person should be less attracted to me because my butt is bigger or something. I might assume they may be slightly less attracted because my mouth is rather big and I don't shut up half the time, but physically... if they aren't into me, they just aren't. Chemistry is made up of a whole lot of things. To be honest, i have been attracted to people and been completely taken by surprise.

Where was i going with this?
Oh right. Assume you have something to bring to the table- because you do. Don't let something like a dress size hold you back- it shouldn't.

yes Josie, indeed you are cute and AWESOME XD

oh did I digress? I agree wholeheartedly with your response XD

[namastewoman]

This is all giving me a new perspective. I did have a friend tell me that I will have to start approaching guys instead of waiting on them to approach me, but then I have another friend that wanted me about the pain of rejection. I know rejection hurts because even when I was thin, I was rejected (and cheated on for a fat girl!) now I wonder which hurts more - rejection or loneliness.

I join online dating sights then drop off because no one I am interested in is contacting me. I think I will give the online dating thing another try. This time I will approach more men. I feel so pissed I want to say, "Hey, I know I have a belly, but I am totally awesome, funny, smart and very loyal and caring and generous and loving and all of that good stuff." My other traits outweigh (pun intended) my belly, I promise. Okay, thanks for the votes of confidence...I am going back out there! I'll keep you posted.

[namastewoman]

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

*ding ding ding*

I have been "svelt" and "head-turningly-thin" [literal description someone said], and also over 100 pounds heavier than that.

When I was the super thin and lean and OMG turning heads, wearing a little black dress me... I really didn't think much of myself at that point. I wasn't really thinking much of anything, actually. I had very little confidence in myself, I actually wondered why people were looking at me a lot.

100 pounds later, I somehow got myself back, I'm seriously obese, but the tables have completely flipped. It's like I'm way more attractive than I have ever been in my entire life?

It's kind of cause I am pretty sure I'm cute and fun and pretty awesome. I think i just present myself differently in how I face the world. I don't actually assume that a person should be less attracted to me because my butt is bigger or something. I might assume they may be slightly less attracted because my mouth is rather big and I don't shut up half the time, but physically... if they aren't into me, they just aren't. Chemistry is made up of a whole lot of things. To be honest, i have been attracted to people and been completely taken by surprise.

Where was i going with this?
Oh right. Assume you have something to bring to the table- because you do. Don't let something like a dress size hold you back- it shouldn't.

You know what? You are right! Why am I all down because of this jelly belly? It is honestly my only visible flaw.

[namastewoman]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

I am a big girl and always have been. So was my sister. Our dating lives were night and day. I have never had a problem getting dates and she almost never got asked out. It all comes down to one word: CONFIDENCE. I know I'm big but I also know I'm pretty. I've done plus sized modeling and such. I tried to get my sister into it because she was beautiful but she always felt you couldn't be big and be pretty. I have always been very confident and apparently guys just react to that. I am the first big girl that my husband has ever been with. I asked him once what it was he noticed about me. He said first it was my eyes, hair and smile. Then when he actually got to meet me he said it was how overwhelmingly confident I was and my personality in general.

Just remember you can be beautiful at any size. Have confidence in yourself and people will just seem to gravitate to you. It really does happen. Good luck.

Wow! On some level I know you must be right because I know lots of fat, married women. It is more my confidence than my size. I don't know how to show confidence in an online dating site and I don't get out much except to go to work (no dating there!) and go to therapy (all women clinic, so no dates there, either). Maybe I do need to get out more...

[A Red Panda]

If you only go out to go to work or therapy... then yeah, sorta impossible to meet anyone! You have to be in social situations to meet people, and the more of them you're involved in the more likely you are to meet someone that will result in a mutual attraction!

Originally Posted by namastewoman

Wow! On some level I know you must be right because I know lots of fat, married women. It is more my confidence than my size. I don't know how to show confidence in an online dating site and I don't get out much except to go to work (no dating there!) and go to therapy (all women clinic, so no dates there, either). Maybe I do need to get out more...

I wonder though, if it might be even more difficult in an online environment for overweight women. It seems to me that the online crowd - in dating sites anyway are even more superficial, looking at pictures of the prospective matches and such. I don't know for sure, this is just my perspective as a male and that, not being overweight myself I can't say this is first hand, but just from my vantage point.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I wonder though, if it might be even more difficult in an online environment for overweight women. It seems to me that the online crowd - in dating sites anyway are even more superficial, looking at pictures of the prospective matches and such. I don't know for sure, this is just my perspective as a male and that, not being overweight myself I can't say this is first hand, but just from my vantage point.

At first, I sat up in rightous female indignation (and honestly, wasn't too thrilled with the 'fat women' comment at all) but actually, I think s4ndm4n is probably right. I'm not overweight either but I do know both men and women online can be harsh or overly critical of those who are, where as, IRL, face to face they don't seem as judgmental.

Is there a greater expectation or an expectation of greater misinformation online? No idea. But interesting suggestion.

Originally Posted by waiting4

At first, I sat up in rightous female indignation (and honestly, wasn't too thrilled with the 'fat women' comment at all) but actually, I think s4ndm4n is probably right. I'm not overweight either but I do know both men and women online can be harsh or overly critical of those who are, where as, IRL, face to face they don't seem as judgmental.

Is there a greater expectation or an expectation of greater misinformation online? No idea. But interesting suggestion.

with no actually chemistry beyond text and images people are left with only those to rely on. typically in a real life setting people will have some kind of vibe or connection physically, offsetting any superficial physical appearances many times. As I've said if a heavy, but atttractive lady approaches me and is flirty, friendly and nice to me I will notice and pay attention but online people don't have that option and you're left with just the view.