Hi,

I believe I am (or at least used to be) very codependent. And the problem is, codependents systematically seem to fall in love with narcissists. I recognize this very well. I would never have wanted someone who drops everything for me, someone who couldn't live without me, someone who'd ask too much from me. I'd just run away as fast as I could.

And then you get exactly what you wish for. In my case, an extrovert, not really needing me for who I was, but rather 'using' and manipulating me.

Now I'm wondering: I got to the point where I see the patterns. I know where it goes wrong and I know I was never able to love the 'too kind' persons in my life. But what do you do about it? I mean, you can't force love, can you? Even though I see the values of a kind, sweet, loving, caring person. Of course I do.

So... can a mind actually overrule the emotions? Making you one day able to fall in love with someone who's absolutely right for you?

[Trippin2.0]

Change comes with maturity, our perceptions, and even our tastes change over time.

So yes it is entirely possible to fall inlove with someone you wouldn't have looked at twice in the past.

But no, it can't be forced. It evolves as your personality does.

All you can do is work towards growing into the person you'd like to become, keeping an open mind, and the rest will follow in sweet succession.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Change comes with maturity, our perceptions, and even our tastes change over time.

So yes it is entirely possible to fall inlove with someone you wouldn't have looked at twice in the past.

But no, it can't be forced. It evolves as your personality does.

All you can do is work towards growing into the person you'd like to become, keeping an open mind, and the rest will follow in sweet succession.

Thanks, I do believe that too. But sometimes it's quite hard though.
To me the mind and the heart always were two separate things. Although lately I start to realize more and more that one does really influence the other though. But yes, it takes time.

And I'm very convinced to escape the codependent-narcissist dynamic.

[niceguy]

Give more details. If you are sure they were as you say, and you are able to pick them a mile off - why then have you. Do you want to take care of others beyond your own needs, do you undervalue yourself or simply do you need to be loved beyond all measure.
You can find someone who encompasses all of these things, however you have to want to change for yourself. Not them.

I too am like you, the thing is anyone who treats us like that cannot love us and yet, I would simultaneously give up everything for them, if they too could give me what I need.

Originally Posted by niceguy

Give more details. If you are sure they were as you say, and you are able to pick them a mile off - why then have you. Do you want to take care of others beyond your own needs, do you undervalue yourself or simply do you need to be loved beyond all measure.
You can find someone who encompasses all of these things, however you have to want to change for yourself. Not them.

I too am like you, the thing is anyone who treats us like that cannot love us and yet, I would simultaneously give up everything for them, if they too could give me what I need.

I don't want someone who would drop everything for me. Someone who'd be too dependent on me or on that relationship. I think that in a partner I look for the things I'm not. Someone who's more of an extrovert for example, etc.

So I actually started to wonder whether it's a 'love yourself first' thing. If you don't really appreciate the way you are, of course you look for the qualities you wish you had in a partner, you know... Because you really value them so much.

And it is weird, as you say, if I recognize it, then why is it so hard not to simply change this behavior? Probably because the heart can't be given instructions. Although, is it really the heart speaking in this case? Maybe it's rather the old patterns that ended up inside of us... I don't know.

I do want to take care of someone all the time. It seems to be the way I can define myself, as if I don't exist without doing things (for others). Pretty bad, I know. ;-)
I honestly feel as if, when a relationship is 'too easy', I'm not interested. I hate that a lot. But I hope it somehow changes by having certain insights, by noticing the patterns and the behavior.

Did you have any success in doing so, niceguy?

[niceguy]

Well that's an interesting question. They told me they hated themselves. Wanted to die, had threatened to kill themselves. I was the one who needed to be there. I got some sense of gratification from trying to help. Ultimately though, in acting to be the complete opposite to who I was the first time, drove them Away all the same. What's worse is I may have caused more damage.

I am codependent and I recognise that now. No love can't be forced and you can attempt to overrule your heart, but it will only result in resentment.
The right person will embody all of the qualities we need ( not want ) But need and when that happens all of the past will be a moot point- or more importantly a lesson learned.

Having said all of that I am a sucker and will die with faith that there is always hope...

[niceguy]

Btw, when you said we look for qualities we don't have - that is the whole point, we like the opposite because it is something we recognise needs work on from ourselves.... Once we can recognise that, then we will stop trying to find someone to full that void, as we simply would have already filled it in ourselves. Thus, that is why the Ts say it is a case of loving yourself, because once you fix that aspect, you will then love yourself.

Look at everyone as a "lesson, a blessing or true love"

[unaluna]

If you can get decent therapy addressing your issues, such as what you missed in childhood, the same type of people wont be attractive to you anymore, and you will find yourself relating to other people differently - like more confidently.

Originally Posted by hankster

If you can get decent therapy addressing your issues, such as what you missed in childhood, the same type of people wont be attractive to you anymore, and you will find yourself relating to other people differently - like more confidently.

I really hope you are right!
I've pushed people away, while actually knowing they were simply 'too perfect' and it sucks... a lot!
And feeling that you care about 'wrong' people sucks almost as much. I stay single until I've figured this one out!