Clingy parents...what am I supposed to do?

I'm 21 years old, about to be a senior in college. This summer I'm staying in the town my college is in (2 1/2 hours away from home) to get research assistant experience. I can tell it's been hard on my parents not having me there. I was at home for 3 weeks right at the start of the summer, and then one week at the start of June. I have not been home since but have Skype'd them every Saturday I've been away, and had them come over for dinner on Father's Day (Which was my suggestion).

They were wanting me to come home for the 4th of July, but the truth is...I don't WANT to go home for that. Going home would just be the two of them and myself, which can be quite boring. I have friends who are also in town over the summer and am planning on getting together with some of them for the holiday. The thing is, my parents made me feel so bad that I had to lie and say I needed to be in the lab on the 4th, and that's why I couldn't go home. I just couldn't tell them that I would rather spend the holiday with friends here in town.

The thing is, my dad's birthday is on the 17th. I was planning on going home for that (I was thinking of being home Wednesday-Sunday but didn't mention that when I said I was planning on going home for his birthday). When I said that my dad just shrugged and said they weren't doing anything for his birthday. I really don't understand what they want from me. Through all this, my mom sometimes talks about how I'm not "making an effort". I'm trying to live my own life, and it's not like I ignore them completely (in fact I'd say I do better than many other college students). Isn't it normal for people my age to want to start breaking away from their parents?

Yeah, it's normal. Some parents have a hard time accepting that their role is to raise the children and then shove them out of the nest and teach them to fly on their own. Doing things with friends is part of the college experience and it is your choice. You can tell your parents when you want to go home and visit.

My parents fought me so hard about establishing independence that the relationship was permanently damaged. They sabotaged me so that I couldn't go away to college my first year, so I found a way and ended up in a different state the next year without the resources to go home and visit, and they didn't want to invest in long-distance phone calls to keep in touch with me and I was barely surviving and couldn't afford to call them. It was before people had internet in their homes. I'm in my 40s now and grew up without having any family connection at all as an adult, which made me ripe for an abusive marriage with built in isolation. I still live two states away from my parents and we call once in a while but they don't visit and I can't afford to visit much. At least you are close enough that you can visit when you want to, and you do stay in touch. Tell them it could be much worse. Use my story if it helps. But you are at an age where it is normal to spend some time with your friends and have your own social circles, and you have a choice about when you visit your family.

I went through this too; I'm not a parent with kids and I know our family situations aren't the same so I can only say this from my perspective. I would say do what you want to do while showing them that your family is still important to you.

But other people I talk to don't seem to have these kinds of problems, or if they do they don't talk about it. I have one more year of undergrad left and am hoping to go on to grad school after. If they don't understand now when will they?

I already call them on Skype once a week, and also occasionally talk on Facebook or through text. I've been home or had them come over for every holiday and birthday since starting college. I manage to go home from time to time even if there's nothing special going on (Usually about once every month or every other month). What more am I supposed to do?

What your parents are doing sounds worse than normal to me.

Your father's comment about 'Well, we aren't doing anything on my birthday' is an attempt to guilt you into visiting on the 4th (and it sounds like they don't do anything then, either). When my mother throws guilt trips like that on me, I either ignore them or turn them to my advantage.

That crack about not doing anything on the birthday? I would say "Oh, so you don't want me to come down? I guess I can work instead." That's probably passive aggressive in some way, but parents who refuse to let go of their children, who demand excessive contact and then guilt the kid when that's not provided-- that really, really bothers me.

Sorry, my mother tried to guilt trip me yesterday when I said I didn't want to go on a two hour drive to a flea market with her, so I'm very sensitive at the moment

But, anyways -- this is not normal. Your instincts are right. It sounds like you are handling them pretty well. It might have been better to tell them the truth about why you didn't want to visit on July 4th, but you may have reasons for lying. At that age, if I told my mother that I was spending the 4th with friends, she would have invited herself along!

I would figure out how much contact you want, separate from how guilty they make you feel. You don't have to call them every week or turn up for every minor holiday. If you want to, fine. If you don't, fine. They are obviously not going to cut the strings, so it will be up to you.

You are behaving PERFECTLY normal; in fact you're being super accommodating and a great daughter by putting so much effort into talking to them and trying to arrange visits!

Their guilting you is a form of manipulation. Have they always been manipulative or is this just their reaction towards you leaving home?

Set your boundaries and don't cave in. If you want to stay in town, stay in town. If you want to go home then go home if it's possible. The fact is - they say NOW that they have no birthday plans to try and get you to go home now... but you can almost bet on it that they'll try to get you to go back for his birthday too, even if you hadn't said a word about planning on it.

My parents still have trouble with me keeping my distance - and I started university 10 years ago. My family life wasn't healthy to start with, so I massively reduced contact for my own sanity. It was great for me, but they really fought with it. I still get guilt trips about not coming to visit (I live in a different province from them now!)... I'm at the point where if they tell me to visit, I tell THEM to visit as they've never once came to visit anywhere I've lived. Fair's fair, right? haha.

Not everyone lives with families who are manipulative. Many families understand that their children are individuals and not extensions of them, and thus understand the necessity of gaining more and more independence. You're making healthy choices bluedolphin, and there is nothing more that you can or need to be doing outside of standing your ground!

hvert:
Yeah, based on what I've heard some other people my age say, it seems like my parents are having a bit more trouble letting go than most do. When my parents guilt trip me I usually don't say much, but I still feel awful afterwards. Don't know how I can stop feeling so bad. I know that I've done nothing wrong and they're the ones being overbearing, but I still can't help feeling bad about it.

After I made this thread I looked online and discovered that the fireworks in town are on the 3rd, while the ones at home are on the 4th. So I could, in theory, stay in town and hang out with friends on the 3rd and then go home on the 4th. That may actually be a better option because then I'd just stay the weekend. I was planning on going for my dad's birthday and staying Wednesday-Sunday, but now I may just end up going home for the weekend of the 4th and then have them come over here for lunch or dinner on his birthday. If they say anything about me changing my plans to go home for his birthday, I'll just bring up the fact that we aren't doing anything anyway.

A Red Panda:
They've pretty much always been like this, though it seems to have gotten worse recently. For my first 2 years of college I was at a school that was about 30-45 minutes away, and went home every other weekend. This past year I transferred to a school about 2 1/2 hours away and went home about once a month. I know it's been hard on them having me further away, but they don't seem to be getting used to it at all.

I wish I could make them understand that I just want to be more independent. When I tell them that they just seem to hear "I don't love you anymore". That couldn't be further from the truth, but their manipulation and attempts to guilt me honestly just push me away more than anything. In fact there are times when they don't seem to guilt me as much, and I find that I actually look forward to going home during these times. If I feel guilted into going home it just feels like a chore.

Ugh. So after I made this thread my mom sent me this message on Facebook

"Hi, so sorry not the greatest chat on Skype this week. I know Dad got bummed because of you not being able to come home. I know you have to do the bird thing and all but he does get upset sometimes because he does miss you and all and he feels like you don't make the effort to show that you care about us by coming home. He gets upset and then I have to listen to the stuff he says and then that gets me upset and depressed. So like this time he made some comment about cutting you off after we got done talking to you. So even though he might SAY to you that he understands you have stuff you have to do for school and all he still gets hurt and depressed about it. I know you are at school and all and have things you want to do, but that doesn't make things any easier on us."

("the bird thing" is referring to my research assistant stuff, btw)

I really don't know what they want from me . How can they say I'm not making an effort when I said I was planning on coming home for his birthday, which is only 2 weeks later? Why do they see the holiday as more important than his birthday? It seems that their idea of "making an effort" includes putting my own life on hold just so I can go home and sit around the house with them.

What a guilt-trip! Honestly, I am so sorry that they're doing this to you. There was zero need for her to say that he was so upset that he was saying they should cut you off - how immature of him! It's a manipulation tactic.

Just stay strong. Honestly, with the way they're treating you... I wouldn't go home for the 4th at all, because they'll view it as a "win" which will just reinforce the behaviour.

Tell me about it. She always does this kind of thing. I'm guessing (hoping, anyway) that the thing my dad said was just an empty threat. He often says things like that when he's upset, and has said before that he'd continue to support me financially through college as long as I keep good grades, since he doesn't want me to have to balance schoolwork with working to support myself completely independently.

Honestly, I think it may just be better to bite the bullet and go home on the 4th, then have them come over one day on the weekend of my dad's birthday. I was planning on doing Wednesday-Sunday for his birthday, even though I don't really like being home for more than a couple days at a time, so that would have been longer than I'd like to have stayed anyway, but I would have done it for them. Now I don't think I want to. So really, in the end, going home on the 4th ultimately means I'll spend LESS time at home than I would have.

I've started applying for part-time jobs so maybe (hopefully) I'll soon be able to have work as a reason for not coming home. I think the fact that I don't really have any good "reason" for not coming home is part of why they guilt me so much. They aren't quite as bad during the school year when I can claim homework as a reason for not going. If I had more work to do perhaps they'd understand better.

They guilt you, because they know that it works and they'll get what they want...

My mom's disowned me. twice. For arguments she was having with my brother, that I was a bystander for. The first time was just before my first year exams. I panicked as I didn't know where I was going to live for the summer as I had been planning on going home. The point was that was my mom wanted to act in the role of victim and wanted us to both grovel at her feet really. But I hadn't done anything wrong, so I made arrangments. A week later, she acted like nothing at all had happened (as I hadn't bit the bait...). She then flipped out when I informed her of my new arrangements. It just took me standing strong. She hasn't tried things like that anymore after the second time... because I am so far away now, she knows if she pulls that s*** on me again that I will simply not respond to her again. So she doesn't.

It does not sound like they are doing so well in their own lives, dealing with your eventual growing up and out and moving along themselves. I would do what you have to do, be as kind and truthful as you can ("Oh, I am sorry I cannot make it, I already have another engagement for that day!") and live your life as you would like. Maybe you will make friends you can bring home with you to your parents? I know that worked for me somewhat, I brought my dorm girlfriends home and my mother taught us to play bridge, which translated to fun in the dorm together too. Showing them that you are doing well, have friends, etc. might tell them it's okay to let go, it is no longer just them and you/you and them.

Firstly, you're a good daughter and your family are going through a transitional phase. So now, you need to take it upon yourself to write a short note explaining how you are your own person and that you must be able to live your life as they do their own. Reiterate that you love them and include the times you are next able to speak to/visit them, but don't waiver and make sure the boundaries are very clear. It's not healthy for you to be expected to meet all of their demands. You're only young once and when they see how assured and eager you are for new experiences maybe they'll be more willing to deal with empty nest syndrome in a more positive way. Perhaps you can arrange a return visit to share your experiences and show them all the photos of your holiday?

Best of luck.

Start reading up on narcissistic parents and the way they manipulate their children through guilt. It may not be 100% on, you are going to recognize some tactics your parents have been using you. Even if you choose to do nothing but observe for a while, it could be very useful to you when you are no longer dependent and in a position to break free.

I would reverse the guilt trip. "I thought you wanted me to have a successful career, but it seems like it is more important to you that I spend time with you at home. I'm really worried that I won't get a job after X/accepted into X if I don't jump at these opportunities for extra work. You're putting me in a really tough position. Don't you want me to succeed? Like you said, I can't depend on Dad's support. Maybe I should look for a full time job in case he means it this time, but then I would never see you."

Sorry, that's probably crazy and passive aggressive, but dealing with my own mother's manipulation tactics makes me so aggravated sometimes that I resort to stuff like that. The email your mother sent just made my skin crawl.

Keep talking to people your age. You will find other people in similar situations and can compare notes. Do you have a hard time saying no to other people? That was one side effect my parent's guilt trips had on me -- it's been a very long struggle to shrug off feelings of 'I have to do this' when it's something I don't want to do at all.

Parents often build their lives around their children, and it sounds like you were very important to them and they love you very much. It is a big adjustment for loving parents to get used to not having the child around that they put so much time into and were used to having around them.

I had a hard time when my daughter finally moved out. To me it seemed like one moment she was so little and the next she was leaving.

So it sounds to me like your parents just love you and like having you around. They miss you, that's all.

Sounded like your mom, venting to you, in that post, which spells out her own marital strife.
Do what makes you, happy.
If you'd like to see, two days of fireworks, do so, because you want to enjoy two days of festivities. Otherwise, your call to stand back, and follow through on your plans on your terms.
Whilst labels are tossed about...
Bpd dad, codep mom???

Labels matter less. Guilt trips do leave us, feeling awful on the inside, though intellectually we see it as it is.

Not entirely uncommon, for empty nesting parents to latch on. Do you have siblings to call for support?



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I meant that it is normal for you to want to be independent and make choices for yourself about what you want to do, not that the way that your parents are acting is normal. You need to live your life, and it is great if your parents can be supportive and be a part of your life, but they don't need to control your life. That message that your mom sent you on FB is toxic, threatening that your dad might cut you off because they don't think you are making the effort they want you to in order to be the child that they still want you to be. That is going way too far. You should spend time with them if you want to, and do something else if you want to. As long as it works, they will keep using the guilt trip strategies. If every time they start that you end the conversation or leave and stay away for a while, they might stop doing it.

My parents never did get it, even after they crippled two of my sisters by convincing them that they couldn't grow up, and my brother died because he was convinced that he could never have a life. I hope that your parents are eventually able to respect your boundaries and encourage you to live your life. I don't know if they will ever change. If they don't, then you will need to get used to setting limits and walking out when they cross the line. I'm sorry.

First of all stop lying to them about your intentions and reasons. The only way this will ever change is if they know the truth, go through the pain of accepting it and then and only then can you move on to your new level in your relationship. As long as you make excuses and lie to them about your reasons for not being home, nothing will change. It's the only way.

I'm not being insensitive here, I understand the reasons you went about it the way you did but I'm just saying it doesn't address the real problem. If they dont' know you're trying to be independent of them more and make your own life, how can they come to terms with it?

Looking back at the rest of this thread I really wish I left a more detailed response, especially since I've been through this myself. What I was trying to say is basically a summary of what all the other replies are, that your parents are wishing for too much from you. Hopefully you've made a decision for yourself by now that is healthy for you since today is Tuesday and you have been stressing the importance of tomorrow...

As mentioned, it seems that since you are so close to graduating and that there is a greater chance of you spending even more time away from them than you already have with the research experience they see one of their greatest fears possibly coming true. It doesn't surprise me that you have said they've always been too clingy; parents like that tend to react negatively when faced with the fact that their kids are old enough to be their own person and 'out in the world on their own'...I know mine did. That aside, I really believe that everyone's earlier input is great insight & advice that you can seriously consider.

Well, as others have already mentioned I see two possibilities: either continue being unhappy while they repeatedly violate your boundaries or give them the reminder they need that you are an adult who deserves to be respected for her own needs. You have your own life and they're aware of that, their problem is they fear that they will one day no longer be a part of it so they keep injecting you with guilt to keep you around as much as possible. Knowing college life I believe you're doing an amazing job keeping up with them - you've gone beyond what I've generally seen from people. The problem with that is that by making sure they're getting their wishes met they're not realistically acknowledging yours.

I agree with being truthful about how you feel as suggested; I'll add that since I don't know your familial situation - as in who gets along with who, past instances or anything like that - you can go about that too however you know is best...not that you need me to tell you that I still think it's worth saying though because only you really know what's going on here aside from this.

As easy as it is to focus on the negatives of the situation as we see it, it's obvious that your family is really important to you. When I said do what you want while showing them that your family is still important to you, I meant it is still okay for you to continue to Skype, visit, and fb while you are reminding them of your boundaries. Your actions would show that you have your own life but they're still a priority. This would mean, as already mentioned, doing these things because you want to do them, not because you feel obligated to what they want. And this would also mean visiting them because you want to visit them, not because you feel obligated and most importantly guilty. This last one here leads to resentment and that isn't the best feeling...

Hopefully now you see what I meant in my original response.