[LostInHarlem]

On Friday, my boyfriend and I will make 7 months together. However, I have known him since I was 19 years old and we dealt with each other off and on until we recently decided to have a committed relationship. By the way I am now 33 years old and he is 36. He came back to NY from NC to live with me and from the very beginning he had "rules".

"Don't talk to your guy friends." "Change your phone number." "Tell your guy friends not to call the house." I have a handful of friends to begin with and yes a few od them are male, and I have known them since I was in the single digits, I am supposed to all of a sudden cut them off because I have a new boyfriend? I tried to explain that my friends are my friends and they have been here before you and they will be here after you... This got me nowhere, so I did the things I could do, changed my cell phone number that I have had for 12 years and asked my male bestfriend to not call for a while until I can get my boyfriend to feel comfortable. I at the time still had my Facebook page and was able to communicate with friends there.

My boyfriend began to question me as to whom I'm talking to and about what on FB, all thr while he too has a FB page, I admit I told him I wasn't talking to anyone via Facebook, when indeed I was still having friendly conversation with my friends. One day he hacks my FB account and pretends to be me talking to ONLY all of the males on my page, saying things like "you love me?" Or "when are we going to have sex again?" All of this is happening ehile I am at work, so of course my job phone begins to ring off of the hook because all of the people he's talking to know its not me and are wondering what is happening. Thia same day he called my father's home early in the morning, he had not and still has not met my father, prompting my father to call me at work too.

He also used to take my phone and look in it to try and "catch me" cheating or talking to other males. The taking of the phone and sneaking and checking the phone went on for more than a month until one day he strafdled me and wrestled the phone from me and there after three the ohone against the wall causing irreparable damage.

I started searching for counselors and trying to get him to attend seasions with me so that we could work together on his trust issues. Everytime we had an appointment je would change his mind about attending. During the FB incident he ran across a year old conversation between me and an ex of mine, and proceeded to copy and past this conversation to that ex's wife, I have no idea what has happened between him and his wife to this day.

Afterwards we sat and talked and supposedly agreed to work on our relationship, but the arguments have only gotten worse, everyday I am being accused of something; I am either sneaking off to my mother's building / block to meet up with some guy or I am having sex with my co workers, or I am intentionally leaving home late to catch up with and flirt with the bus driver or I go into a certain store to flirt with the owners or workers and the best one yet I am looking at guys while I am in the street walking with him, trying to gain their attention so I can build a relationship witb a aid guys...

I am at my wits end and I no longer know what to do, somebody please help! I called myself trying to prove to him that I am not cheating with my words but more so my sctions, because I don't go out and he comes to my job whenever he feels like it and I know he's "checking" to see what I'm doing. I feel like if he would just go to work and concentrate on getting money he might not have so much time to come up with these alligations. I could be wrong though, because he came to me hurt and broken from past relationships and all I want to do is be happy, but happy I am not. Where do I to from here?

~LostInHarlem

[A Red Panda]

.... I'd get out of that relationship.

He's abusive.

No one has a right to spy on someone else, no one has the right to dictate who someone else can or cannot be friends with. No one has the right to dictate what someone can or cannot do. No one has the right to treat someone as horribly as he is treating you.

You deserve so much better.

[lovesdogs99]

Trust is a huge factor in a happy relationship.

This definitely doesn't sound right. He is very controlling. I would definitely leave him if I were you. I suggest you talk to him about it.. What makes me nervous is that since he is already emotionally abusive, could that turn to physical if he got angry enough? I don't know him, obviously.. But I think you should definitely be careful while talking to him.

[Trippin2.0]

Please run. Please.

There are loads of people with trust issues, I had them too due to my ex being abusive, but I worked my butt off to learn how to allow MYSELF to trust my bf. I didn't make him jump through hoops, and what ludicrous hoops you've been faced with too!

Furthermore your bf has ZERO inclination to trust you, that's why he refuses therapy...
From what you've written I doubt its about trust at all, its about control, dictatorship, and using trust as a smoke screen to excuse his behaviour.

Your bf is abusive, I agree with panda. He's manipulating you into isolation, and when his attempts fail, he's outright trying to sabotage your friendships by contacting your friends behind your back. He is being relentless on his quest to isolate you, and in his mind "own" you, and once he breaks down your resolve and achieves that?

Well then you're most probably in physical danger after that.

Please take it from me, run.

It only goes downhill from here...
Nothing you do or say will placate him ( I tried for years with a very similar character and ended up black and blue for days) nothing will prove to him that he should treat you better.

Please, run. Be smarter than I was and save yourself.

[nicoleflynn]

Get into counseling for YOURSELF. I stayed for 31 years with a controller/abuser, until I found the book which saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....controllers are excruciatingly INsecure and will do and say anything to keep you under control. If you stay with him, you will spend the rest of your life explaining that you were/were not doing what you are being accused of. Most abusers rarely change or are willing to recognize their behavior is wrong.

[happiedasiy]

Dear LostInHarlem,

I would hope you know that this isn't a relationship. ( for you )
I would seek help and advice about getting him out of the house.
This is stalking behavior and has been physical already.
Why do you not call the police?
Everything should be documented!
They can issue a restraining order, get him out of the house, make him stay away from your work, and cut off any form of contact.
With that they will give you a cell phone and with one button you will get an immediate response from them as you are in their system.

Be safe, when a stalker has his/her mind set, everyone you are close to is in danger.
There are lots of resources that can help you get your life back.
Listen to people who have been there, have gotten out smart, calm, and safe.
H

[Alone & confused]

I agree! RUN, DON'T WALK, RUN!!! He won't get help because "He doesn't have a problem. It's YOU, all YOU." Unless and until HE can admit it's HIM & HIS problem, there is NO WAY to fix him! As long as he can blame you and stay in denial that he has issues, you'll spend the rest of your life with him trying to prove yourself "worthy" and he'll have no reason to work on himself! Been there, done that, will never do that again! You need someone who is secure enough with himself, to allow you to be yourself! Otherwise, you'll just be living to "please" someone else entirely and without having any pleasure of your own. I wish you the best!

[Silentme]

I can't say I am the best at giving advise in this nature as I've gone through the same situation and am still with my husband and going through crap. But what I can say i that I agree, if you can get out now do it.. Run and get out as everyone has suggested. It just gets worse the more time passes and you stay in this same situation. You're still early on in this relationship that it's not to late to shut the heart down and do what's best for your self. Be happy, make your self happy while you can.

[~Christina]

Run as fast as you can away from him ... All the above posters have given you true life stories so I wont say the same thing ..

Just run get away from him as fast as you .. hes Toxic !

[waiting4]

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

[ChipperMonkey]

Please get out now. I'm not sure why so many people make posts about how they can change their partners bad behavior. In short, you can't. Get out now, as he has been abusive since the beginning. Read up on the red flags of relationships. One of them is the isolation of you from your friends, and he's been doing that for awhile now. Do you believe you deserve better? You have two choices, either accept him as he is because sweetie, he isn't changing, or get out now. Its up to you.