[JDHold]

My girlfriend is friends with her ex that she broke up with 3 years ago. She says that they are and have been strictly just friends, but i have a strong feeling he still has feelings for her and obviously physical attraction. He is currently in jail for a year and has written her a few letter one in which before he know i was in the picture asked her for a picture of her in a tank top and booty shorts. Her response was that she was seeing someone and thats why she didn't send one but openly admiteted that she felt bad for anyone in jail and would probably so it to help a friend knowing why amd what they'd be doing with said picture. I told her i damn well know what id be doing with that picture in which she responded, hes not like that, hes not like you. Really? Comparring me? If they are just friends, why would he feel comfortable 3 years later to ask for a picture of that nature for the obvious reason? Did she give him a green light before i came along like it was okay? Is there more than just friends thing going kn here? Friends dont send friends those kind of pictures. Not in my book atleast. And recently she is all up in arms because she asked me if i would have an issue with her going to the prisob to visit him and i said i would absolutely not put up with that kind of disrespect. She tells me she promised him before we met that she would and says im trying to control her, change her, that im crazy and jealous for no reason. Am i really being stupid? I dont think i am but i very well could be. Id love some insight from both genders.

[Elektra_]

hi. for her to say such thing when he asks for such pic, for me, means she has been giving him the space for this kinda behavior. the "hes not like u" phrase would be enough for me to tell her go and stay in prison! or shes really dumb/innocent (which i doubt but can hapen). tc

[Trippin2.0]

Different perspective here...

At this point in time, you really could just be reading way more into this than there really is. She could've honestly agreed to send the pic to him strictly as a friend.

Something beautiful to look at while he's locked up. Seems plausable to me, since it wasn't a request for a nude, which would definitly be wayyy more than friendly.

If a tank top and a shorts is a no no pic, well then idk, I guess I have some shorts and tops to throw away as according to your feelings regarding a pic suggests these are not "respectable" clothing for me to be wearing out in public.

The fact that she changed her mind once she had a bf, because he would take issue with it, counts in her favour too.

So in essence the pic shouldn't even be an issue because there is NO pic. She put up stricter boundaries around their friendship, boundaries that are bf friendly once you entered the scene and you should take that into consideration when you're stressing yourself and her out about this topic.

You dictating whether or not she can visit him however, does not count in your favour.
Not at all.

It makes you look extremely insecure, jealous and controlling. Its not like they can actually DO anything besides talk during the visit, so no reason to distrust her visiting him in prison. Her visiting him is NOT a sign of disrespect to you.
I have NO clue where you're getting that idea from, but you dictating who she can and cannot see, who she may and may not be friends with?
Now THAT IS disrespectful.

Idk. Maybe I have it wrong, but if she's given you no actual reason to distrust her, except be friends with an ex (like so many of us are) then you will only sew the seeds of the distruction of your relationship by continuing on this path.

Exes can be friends, sometimes though, due to the familiarity between them, the boundaries of these friendships may not be as rigid as when these friends are in relationships.

That's not to say these exes are sleeping with eachother, but just that maybe there's jokes of their shared past, trips down memory lane, sharing of pics or whatever a bf or gf may have a problem with in the context of a relationship, but doesn't actually overstep the bounds of being platonic.

The important thing is to reinforce these strict boundaries when there is a SO in the picture, because it can definitly be inappopriate and disrespectful.

Something your gf has clearly done within the context of your relationship. So I believe she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

[JDHold]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Different perspective here...

At this point in time, you really could just be reading way more into this than there really is. She could've honestly agreed to send the pic to him strictly as a friend.

Something beautiful to look at while he's locked up. Seems plausable to me, since it wasn't a request for a nude, which would definitly be wayyy more than friendly.

If a tank top and a shorts is a no no pic, well then idk, I guess I have some shorts and tops to throw away as according to your feelings regarding a pic suggests these are not "respectable" clothing for me to be wearing out in public.

The fact that she changed her mind once she had a bf, because he would take issue with it, counts in her favour too.

So in essence the pic shouldn't even be an issue because there is NO pic. She put up stricter boundaries around their friendship, boundaries that are bf friendly once you entered the scene and you should take that into consideration when you're stressing yourself and her out about this topic.

You dictating whether or not she can visit him however, does not count in your favour.
Not at all.

It makes you look extremely insecure, jealous and controlling. Its not like they can actually DO anything besides talk during the visit, so no reason to distrust her visiting him in prison. Her visiting him is NOT a sign of disrespect to you.
I have NO clue where you're getting that idea from, but you dictating who she can and cannot see, who she may and may not be friends with?
Now THAT IS disrespectful.

Idk. Maybe I have it wrong, but if she's given you no actual reason to distrust her, except be friends with an ex (like so many of us are) then you will only sew the seeds of the distruction of your relationship by continuing on this path.

Exes can be friends, sometimes though, due to the familiarity between them, the boundaries of these friendships may not be as rigid as when these friends are in relationships.

That's not to say these exes are sleeping with eachother, but just that maybe there's jokes of their shared past, trips down memory lane, sharing of pics or whatever a bf or gf may have a problem with in the context of a relationship, but doesn't actually overstep the bounds of being platonic.

The important thing is to reinforce these strict boundaries when there is a SO in the picture, because it can definitly be inappopriate and disrespectful.

Something your gf has clearly done within the context of your relationship. So I believe she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

I expected an answer as such. In my poibt of view, FRIENDS dont ask FRIENDS for a SEXY PHOTO especially for THOSE KIND OF INTENTIONS. How is that plausible? You are correct, no picture exists, not to my knowledge atleast but for me, the boundaries of said friendship are blurred when an ex you dated can ask for such a picture knpwing exactly why it was asked for. Not SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL TO LOOK AT as you claim thats all it would be.
How is it not disrespectful for her to WANT to go see an EX who clearly still has feelings for and wants to be back with her and she knows it. In my eyes, thats giving him hope that theres a chance of getting back together. And i originally didnt object to her visiting him right away, i asked her if she would be okay and comfortable if i went to visit my ex in prison who still wanted to be back with me. Her response was no she wouldnt like it. So how am i insecure or jealous or disrespectful or controlling??

[A Red Panda]

Wow. I would definitely not stay in a relationship with you if you told me I couldn't go and visit a friend in prison - and further more taking that as a sign of disrespect to you? That's ridiculous. No one can tell me who I can and cannot be friends with, nor can anyone tell me what I can and cannot do with my time.

She agreed to the picture BEFORE she was in a relationship with you. There is nothing wrong with her doing that. I'd consider it if I had a friend ask, although I'd probably just print them off a picture of a model or something instead, haha. She immediately withdrew her agreement once she began a relationship with you. That shows that she respects you and values you.

Just because she is friends with him and is alright with him thinking about her being naked.... doesn't mean that she's interested in having any sort of sexual relationship with him.

I have to say that I pretty well agree with her - you are being controlling, you are trying to change her, and you are being incredibly jealous for no reason. She hasn't done anything to warrant your jealousy and distrust - she's been honest with you about the things that he's requested - she sure didn't have to tell you what he asked for! And instead, you treat her like she's guilty of cheating on you and decide to dictate to her what she can do in regards to her friendships... you're the one being disrespecful, not her.

Sorry if that's harsh, but I really think you are in the wrong here. She deserves your trust and respect.

[Trippin2.0]

Word of advice?

Don't come here, ask for people's opinions and then scream at them for not agreeing with you.

Tell us to agree with you and support your jealousy if that is the type of replies you seek.
Will save members from wasting their time trying to offer a different perspective.

In answer to your very last question of your OP, Yes you are being stupid. Evidently incredibly stupid.

Good luck with that.

[JDHold]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Wow. I would definitely not stay in a relationship with you if you told me I couldn't go and visit a friend in prison - and further more taking that as a sign of disrespect to you? That's ridiculous. No one can tell me who I can and cannot be friends with, nor can anyone tell me what I can and cannot do with my time.

She agreed to the picture BEFORE she was in a relationship with you. There is nothing wrong with her doing that. I'd consider it if I had a friend ask, although I'd probably just print them off a picture of a model or something instead, haha. She immediately withdrew her agreement once she began a relationship with you. That shows that she respects you and values you.

Just because she is friends with him and is alright with him thinking about her being naked.... doesn't mean that she's interested in having any sort of sexual relationship with him.

I have to say that I pretty well agree with her - you are being controlling, you are trying to change her, and you are being incredibly jealous for no reason. She hasn't done anything to warrant your jealousy and distrust - she's been honest with you about the things that he's requested - she sure didn't have to tell you what he asked for! And instead, you treat her like she's guilty of cheating on you and decide to dictate to her what she can do in regards to her friendships... you're the one being disrespecful, not her.

Sorry if that's harsh, but I really think you are in the wrong here. She deserves your trust and respect.

Actually she wasnt honest about anything. What she told me was that he didnt say much other than prison was lonely and talk about his cell mate. She even said, you can read the letters if you dont believe and trust me in which i declined. Later i had a gut feeling and took her up on her offer to read the letters in which she declined saying i didnt need to that she had already told me what was said. That made my suspicion go up. I eventually found out what they said. Her being dishonest made me wonder why she had kept that biormation from me. When i asked her why he would feel comfortable askibg for a photo of that content, she said she had no clue that it was random. Because she had lied i was wary to believe her. And i DIDNT TELL HER SHE COULDNT GO. When she asked me, i asked her in return "put yourself in my shoes, would you be comfortable with me going to see my ex in jail who still wanted to be with and didnt respect the boundaries of said friendship by asking for a "sexy" picture of me half naked?" She said she wouldnt like it.

[JDHold]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Word of advice?

Don't come here, ask for people's opinions and then scream at them for not agreeing with you.

Tell us to agree with you and support your jealousy if that is the type of replies you seek.
Will save members from wasting their time trying to offer a different perspective.

In answer to your very last question of your OP, Yes you are being stupid. Evidently incredibly stupid.

Good luck with that.

How exactly did i scream? I used caps only to empathize that particular point. I very much value each and every opinion. Hence why i came here to ask.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by JDHold

My girlfriend is friends with her ex that she broke up with 3 years ago. She says that they are and have been strictly just friends, but i have a strong feeling he still has feelings for her and obviously physical attraction. He is currently in jail for a year and has written her a few letter one in which before he know i was in the picture asked her for a picture of her in a tank top and booty shorts. Her response was that she was seeing someone and thats why she didn't send one but openly admiteted that she felt bad for anyone in jail and would probably so it to help a friend knowing why amd what they'd be doing with said picture. I told her i damn well know what id be doing with that picture in which she responded, hes not like that, hes not like you. Really? Comparring me? If they are just friends, why would he feel comfortable 3 years later to ask for a picture of that nature for the obvious reason? Did she give him a green light before i came along like it was okay? Is there more than just friends thing going kn here? Friends dont send friends those kind of pictures. Not in my book atleast. And recently she is all up in arms because she asked me if i would have an issue with her going to the prisob to visit him and i said i would absolutely not put up with that kind of disrespect. She tells me she promised him before we met that she would and says im trying to control her, change her, that im crazy and jealous for no reason. Am i really being stupid? I dont think i am but i very well could be. Id love some insight from both genders.

well JD i'm a guy and i had to read your post over twice so i could respond appropriately..

1. the fact that he asked for the picture BEFORE he knew you were in the picture speaks volumes..you guys weren't together, so really you can't be mad at her about that.

2.it wasn't a nude picture & yes obviously with him being in jail..he most likely would be beating off to the picture no doubt..but again..this is before you came along.
3. she never sent the picture and then informed him that because you guys are together she didn't..that shows quite a bit of respect i would think..there are many women these days that would have sent the picture anyways behind your back under the guise of " he can't tell me what to do, he's my friend" she didn't do that. she was upfront and told you everything.

4. i wouldn't worry about comparisons..she's with you, you are with her and he is in jail..hmmm..enough said there.

5.now in all honesty "just friends" means something different to us guys as opposed to women(we know that) & truthfully i have slept with some of my ex's after we broke up..but first he is in jail so not likely unless somehow he can evade security guards, bars and cameras..not likely.second she is being upfront and telling you everything,which if there was something to worry about would be if you found out from a secondary source.

6. I admit i wouldn't be happy about my gf seeing an ex in jail..i'm not gonna lie..i wouldn't, but i would tell her that i wouldn't be comfortable with it and put the ball in her lap..never would i say "you can't go" or "i'm not going to put up with that kind of disrespect" and i admit i would ask her why it is important for her to go visit an ex, when it is us that should be an item..i will say that. i have an ex that is in jail right now and has been there a few months..my gf at the time forbade me to go see her and i complied..it's a sticky one there, it is. so truthfully i probably would ask her not to..i wouldn't command it or make it a condition of us being together.

that area is a slippery slope..do you talk to any of your ex's?..for some reason that always seems to cause problems..it's hard to say because each relationship has a different dynamic.

i do detect a tone of insecurity and jealousy in your post my friend.i think it is much ado about nothing to be honest .idk 1 visit would hurt, multiple visits...ehh,idk about that..but that's JMHO.

[JDHold]

Originally Posted by trying2survive

well JD i'm a guy and i had to read your post over twice so i could respond appropriately..

1. the fact that he asked for the picture BEFORE he knew you were in the picture speaks volumes..you guys weren't together, so really you can't be mad at her about that.

2.it wasn't a nude picture & yes obviously with him being in jail..he most likely would be beating off to the picture no doubt..but again..this is before you came along.
3. she never sent the picture and then informed him that because you guys are together she didn't..that shows quite a bit of respect i would think..there are many women these days that would have sent the picture anyways behind your back under the guise of " he can't tell me what to do, he's my friend" she didn't do that. she was upfront and told you everything.

4. i wouldn't worry about comparisons..she's with you, you are with her and he is in jail..hmmm..enough said there.

5.now in all honesty "just friends" means something different to us guys as opposed to women(we know that) & truthfully i have slept with some of my ex's after we broke up..but first he is in jail so not likely unless somehow he can evade security guards, bars and cameras..not likely.second she is being upfront and telling you everything,which if there was something to worry about would be if you found out from a secondary source.

6. I admit i wouldn't be happy about my gf seeing an ex in jail..i'm not gonna lie..i wouldn't, but i would tell her that i wouldn't be comfortable with it and put the ball in her lap..never would i say "you can't go" or "i'm not going to put up with that kind of disrespect" and i admit i would ask her why it is important for her to go visit an ex, when it is us that should be an item..i will say that. i have an ex that is in jail right now and has been there a few months..my gf at the time forbade me to go see her and i complied..it's a sticky one there, it is. so truthfully i probably would ask her not to..i wouldn't command it or make it a condition of us being together.

that area is a slippery slope..do you talk to any of your ex's?..for some reason that always seems to cause problems..it's hard to say because each relationship has a different dynamic.

i do detect a tone of insecurity and jealousy in your post my friend.i think it is much ado about nothing to be honest .idk 1 visit would hurt, multiple visits...ehh,idk about that..but that's JMHO.

I respect everyones opinions. Maybe i hadnt been as detailed as i should have been in my original post. I had asked her to put herself in my shoes when asked to go to the prison if she would like it amd she admitted that she wouldnt like it. Thats when i said i wouldnt put up with that kind of disrespect, also, there was no mentipn of the picture before he went in. Atleast thats what she told me. She said he asked randomly out of the blue. But why would he asked for one after 3 years of being broken up. I never crossed lines likr that with friends of mine or exes who wrote me whilr i was locked up. Jealous? Insecure? Yes. Because now ive begun to doubt that they are just friends. As we all know, cheating is mote than just a physical thing.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by JDHold

I expected an answer as such. In my poibt of view, FRIENDS dont ask FRIENDS for a SEXY PHOTO especially for THOSE KIND OF INTENTIONS. How is that plausible? You are correct, no picture exists, not to my knowledge atleast but for me, the boundaries of said friendship are blurred when an ex you dated can ask for such a picture knpwing exactly why it was asked for. Not SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL TO LOOK AT as you claim thats all it would be.
How is it not disrespectful for her to WANT to go see an EX who clearly still has feelings for and wants to be back with her and she knows it. In my eyes, thats giving him hope that theres a chance of getting back together. And i originally didnt object to her visiting him right away, i asked her if she would be okay and comfortable if i went to visit my ex in prison who still wanted to be back with me. Her response was no she wouldnt like it. So how am i insecure or jealous or disrespectful or controlling??

i think in most cases the boundaries will always be blurred when you choose to remain friends with an ex..usually this is why it doesn't work out well.yes there is always the threat of interaction..that's where trust and honesty come in. if i am in a relationship, i usually don't indulge in entertaining interaction with my ex's for that reason and they respect that.

when i'm single again...well. BUT ANYWAYS, LOL! i liked that you put the ball in her lap..appropriate decision & keep you from looking like an a**hole.
with that being said the onus is on her, and truthfully depending on the facility you can kiss and hold hands once when you come in and again when you leave( but obviously NO SEX,LOL!) so i can understand SOME concern

if he clearly has feelings, then i agree she shouldn't be feeding into that. it's time to set up boundaries and stick to the letters.things can get a lil out of hand( not much, of course) but a parting hug could turn into a kiss..especially if you guys are fighting.

so i don't know if i would use the term"disrespectful" but i do believe that it is indeed..playing with fire and inviting trouble and no one needs that.

[ChipperMonkey]

Sorry, but I am SO laughing at how naïve your GF is.... Really??? I mean REALLY!?!? She doesn't think he would use a pic like that to uhm, get off? She has a few things to learn about guys...

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by JDHold

I respect everyones opinions. Maybe i hadnt been as detailed as i should have been in my original post. I had asked her to put herself in my shoes when asked to go to the prison if she would like it amd she admitted that she wouldnt like it. Thats when i said i wouldnt put up with that kind of disrespect, also, there was no mentipn of the picture before he went in. Atleast thats what she told me. She said he asked randomly out of the blue. But why would he asked for one after 3 years of being broken up. I never crossed lines likr that with friends of mine or exes who wrote me whilr i was locked up. Jealous? Insecure? Yes. Because now ive begun to doubt that they are just friends. As we all know, cheating is mote than just a physical thing.

i totally agree, "emotional cheating" is a relatively new concept..but quite real!
idk why he would suddenly ask for a picture after 3 yrs of separation, disturbing this is.

it's a hairy situation, because without knowing the content of those letters, you have nothing but her word to go on.

i don't know the strength of the bond between the two of you/or how long the two of you have been together so this is indeed a difficult one to approach.

assuming they have been apart for 3 yrs in some shape or form they must have still been in contact for this entire time..which is ok, that's fine..but let me ask you, how long have you two been together?

also as a whole, how is the relationship going between you two? is it good,great,rocky,somewhere in the middle?

i will say this, the fact that she wouldn't want you to do it..means that she shouldn't be doing it..now at that point, it does become a respect issue.

if she expects you to respect her wishes..then she should yours, a relationship is about fairness, give and take, trust and mutual respect..do on to others as you want them to do onto you..if you know what i mean.

so in a nutshell..she shouldn't serve a dish that she would eat herself! seriously.