[hvert]

A few months ago I learned that a friend I've known for 20 years got married to his long term partner. He didn't tell me he got married and won't share any details about the wedding (when, where, etc), as if it is a big secret. He could have gotten married five years ago, for all I know. I only found out because he used the word 'wife' and I asked him about it.

Has anyone had that happen before? It makes no sense. I think it might be the last straw for me.

He's been suffering from some paranoid delusions for the past five years or so. Am I the enemy now? Or is he not telling me because he thinks someone else is listening? I don't get it.

[Rapunzel]

Well, what did he say when you asked him about it?

It is hard to know what he was thinking. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. Maybe they eloped and didn't tell anyone. Maybe it was just very small. Maybe it was an oversight and he feels embarrassed about not telling you.

[hvert]

He said that they were married and then changed the subject. He ignored my questions about when/where/etc. I didn't ask why he didn't tell me earlier.

[hvert]

I think the reason this is bothering me so much is because it finally made me realize that there is no real friendship here.

For the past five years, his mental health has declined. He's suffered from increasingly bizarre paranoid delusions. For a year now, something always comes up when we plan to get together (we live in different states). At the same time that he hides his marriage and refuses to see me when we are in the same town, he continues to send me long, incoherent emails on a regular basis.

I have been making excuses for this behavior due to his mental state, but now I am seeing it in a new light.

[Rapunzel]

It sounds like he has his issues and maybe isn't entirely living in reality. Maybe he is avoiding reality.

[hvert]

I think so. Or he just doesn't want to be friends anymore. I don't really know. I just feel dumb for missing the big picture for so long.

[Frankbtl]

Hi hvert, I'm not so sure that his behaviour is about either you or the friendship you've shared. Perhaps it's not so much him deciding on a "rational" basis that he doesn't want to tell you......doesn't want to talk about...........but more so his difficulties are stopping him from doing that.
Perhaps if you look at it more as, at those times..........it's the paranoia, delusions, diagnosis (??) that are speaking/acting/guiding his behaviours not him. Not the person you've held close as a friend. And there's nothing to say that that person-your friend- isn't still in there, it's just...........And maybe now he needs your friendship more than ever.
Maybe you can help him, try to be there for him as much as he'll let you even if that's just a very small bit. Although it does sound like he can do with some (a lot of??!!) encouragement to get some more/extra professional help. I don't know...........you'll know him personally so......maybe he'd respond better to a big push to get some help or maybe it needs the "softly, softly" approach with the paranoia?????
But then again, sometimes there's really only so much you can do.
And IF he is REALLY struggling with his mental health........and you haven't seen it as much DO NOT fault yourself!!!! Sometimes people struggling with the kind of things your friend has been struggling with can be so GOOD at covering things up/making them look not as bad as they are. It can be both an effect of their mental illness and coping strategies in trying to manage it.
And if YOU want any support then you know where we are.

Alison

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by hvert

A few months ago I learned that a friend I've known for 20 years got married to his long term partner. He didn't tell me he got married and won't share any details about the wedding (when, where, etc), as if it is a big secret. He could have gotten married five years ago, for all I know. I only found out because he used the word 'wife' and I asked him about it.

Has anyone had that happen before? It makes no sense. I think it might be the last straw for me.

He's been suffering from some paranoid delusions for the past five years or so. Am I the enemy now? Or is he not telling me because he thinks someone else is listening? I don't get it.

they may have eloped

[hvert]

trying2survive, I wouldn't be surprised if they eloped, but even when people do that, they usually let others know about it after the fact.

Frankbtl, thank you for your thoughts. I do suspect that this is somehow connected to the paranoid delusions. I am at a point now where I feel like I have had about as much as I can take. For the first year or two, I took him at his word that these horrible things were really happening. After I realized that they were imaginary, I tried to point out alternative interpretations for what he thought he perceived when I could. Finally a few months ago I suggested that he get professional help. It did not go over well.

I have never understood why his partner has not intervened. He has not worked in years and struggles to function on a basic level. She won't let him talk about his paranoia, so it is possible that she does not know how much it has escalated.

For the past year he has had excuses not to see me in person. All I get are semi-coherent emails. A lot of them. For some reason, learning that he hid his marriage (and continues to hide any detail about it), just gives me a very different feeling about the whole thing. I hadn't realized just how long he had been making excuses for not getting together. I feel like I am just being used as a dumping ground for the fantasies he feels he can't share with anyone else.

[Frankbtl]

Hi hvert, well it sounds like you've really tried to help him over the time. And real kudos to you for that!!! I'm sure there would be friends out there who would have walked away before now in that situation.
As for his partner, well they say love can be blind don't they??!! But maybe living with him day-in-day out she hasn't noticed the deteriation as much if it was a gradual thing or is finding it hard to completely accept or admit to herself, maybe she's hoping she can be enough to help him get by, or maybe she's worried he'll be hospitalized if she really tells someone how it is (and she might have lots of concerns over that even if it might be the right thing).
But if it's you he's really opening up to in e-mails could you contact his partner/"wife" (you are absolutely sure they got married aren't you- not something he's just said??!!) express your concerns, send her the e-mails (might give her a "wake-up-call") and hope she can help him get some kind of support with what he's going through. If you can do that there's a chance he may find out and he may well not thank you for doing it. But if there are no other options/he won't listen to you, and he might be at risk, then it's his best interests you have at heart isn't it. Could even drop a call to- is it Human Services you have over there??? if you think he might be at risk?????
Or if there are any charities/support groups/programmes in his area maybe he might be more willing to try them if you drop him some details. They may not seem as "threatening" (or any of the other things he might be thinking) as seeing a pdoc.
Still there is only so much you can do, and again real kudos to you for trying, for caring!!!

Alison

[hvert]

Wow, it never occurred to me to question whether or not he actually did get married! Maybe that's why he has no details to share!

I have thought about contacting his partner before, but it seems like she would notice if he was on the verge of harming himself or someone else. Unless there is an imminent threat of danger, I will leave that option on the table - he would be furious. He was so angry when I suggested he talk to a pdoc, I think he would never speak to me again if I went behind his back.

I do like the idea of suggesting some sort of support group in his area and wish I had done that. The biggest road block to suggesting anything is that he does not think he has a problem. In his mind, other people are just not as perceptive or do not hear what he hears. He thinks he is just a bit depressed, but it is so far beyond that. It is like trying to convince an alcoholic to seek help when they consider themselves a social drinker and anyone else is just uptight.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do feel guilty about taking a step away from this, but it does feel like he is pushing me away at this point.

[blur]

i wonder if just honestly telling him you were hurt he didn't share with you about his marriage would break through some of his delusions at all? i have no idea really, but maybe he could see how his actions are affecting those in his life. if is wife doesn't want to hear about his delusions maybe you are partly someone he trusts to confide in and partly his dumping ground as you said. i think it's good you suggested he go to a pdoc. even though he was offended maybe he'll consider it later. you're in a tough spot with him as it would be hard to know what is best for all of you.

[RRex]

Quite frankly, people these days are too nosy. I applaud this person for maintaining their privacy.

[hvert]

Blur, that's a good point-- telling him that I was hurt that he didn't let me congratulate him might have prompted a different reaction on his part. Or it might not have -- I just over all get the feeling that he is much worse off than I realized. Part of his paranoia involves a belief that his email communication is being monitored, so sometimes he won't want to discuss certain things via email -- but when he also refuses to see me, it just makes communication kind of impossible.

RRex, where I come from, marriages are part of the public record. They are often announced in newspapers and it's been that way for hundreds of years. To keep it a secret from friends is not common at all.