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#1
Jul 18, 2014, 03:43 AM
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My boyfriend of almost three years (will be three years next month) still lives in the midwest whereas I moved to the east coast back in October to help my ailing sister. We have seen each other twice since then (December and May) and while it has been hell being apart we had been surviving on love and determination. But now thanks to his hatred of rejection, our plan of him moving out here has been canceled because he has been rejected by 5 jobs and is nearing the ultimatum stage of me moving back or us breaking up, but he loves me and says he doesn't want to hold me back or give me the ultimatum. I am now considering moving back but I don't want to quit my job (no matter how crappy) just to break up because he is clingy/needy and doesn't want to put the full effort in now that it's not an easy college relationship anymore.
I love him more than life but I dread returning to my home state that is essentially a black hole for potential and hope. And encouraging my boyfriend with his job hunt "stresses him out and makes him want to scream." So I have two choices; stay east and leave him behind or return and try to stay together. |
 Pikku Myy
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#2
Jul 18, 2014, 10:41 AM
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Froggygirl....sounds like you have loads on your plate, and I'm sorry to hear that. Stress will not make dealing with this situation easier, and I know you know that.
I think moving back to a 'black hole for potential and hope' would be a terrible mistake, but I do hear that you love him 'more than life'. Is it possible that he could get some counselling where he is? I also think you could benifit with counselling as well, to help you decide what you WANT to do, rather than what HE wants you to do. Relationships are all about compromise....but this sounds more like his way, or no way....and if your relationship together is starting like that, I promise, it will end like that. And a lot faster than you'll ever imagine. Take care...
__________________
 Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
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#3
Jul 18, 2014, 11:07 AM
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That's kind of two really drastic choices.. You might love him, but if moving back is going to harm more than help you, I wouldn't do it. It's a big decision to make and could affect your life in a big way. I definitely think you need to think about what you really want. Follow your mind, what's logical, instead of your heart. The heart doesn't always think about consequence or what could go wrong.
__________________
"You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it." - Paulo Coelho
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#4
Jul 18, 2014, 11:10 AM
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i feel you have done your job as a sister fair enough and long enough, if you love him it's time to put some time into the relationship. maybe i could understand if it was a "really good job"..heh heh, i don't believe in such a thing personally.but that doesn't matter LOL. but it's a crappy one, there are plenty of those all over the midwest..ha ha, i know, i live here! in every state there is potential & hope..you have to look for it or make it. i live in ohio..the a**hole of the earth..but i'm doing just fine and making great money, it's out there..you just gotta find it. it sounds like he has been accommodating by at least attempting to come out there, it's not working..i think it's your turn now..unless of course you really don't care too much about the relationship and him anymore, which of course the decision would be to leave him behind and stay where you are and start over with someone new. if you love him, YOU SHOULD BE WITH HIM. if you don't let him go & let him heal and start over. a crappy job shouldn't have precedence over the love of your life.jobs,especially crappy ones are easy to find..good partners are not, i know from experience, trust me. if you love him, ditch the crap job and go to your honey so you two can be together!!
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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#5
Jul 18, 2014, 11:43 AM
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I do not know your boyfriend but your judgement of him does not sound supportive -- that he has tried numerous times to find a job in a strange-to-him location and not been able to find something he would enjoy is not something I would instantly think of as a character weakness. Sounds like you have difficulties of your own with "back home"? The location is just a location, if you would have trouble finding a job/life there where you use to live that you want to pursue then surely he is allowed to have trouble too? He has not done this before, you have. Ask him what he would like, where he would like to live and what his goals for the future are, etc. and then tell him yours and see if you can find a compromise. My husband and I are doing that now, I want to move, he does not, mostly he does not like where I want to move to so he has given an alternate location (even though he does not want to move at all) and we are leaving right this minute to go look at the location, see if it would better suit us both and if we could both be happy. He recognizes that moving can be a big pain and obnoxious but that eventually goes away. This house/location does not feel good to me anymore (we are getting older and it does not "fit" me well -- stairs and my arthritis and other medical problems, etc.) and, because he loves me, he is willing to see if we cannot find a compromise in location. We are exploring together.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
 trying2survive
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#6
Jul 18, 2014, 11:52 AM
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uhm, FIVE job rejections and he is willing to throw in the towel?!?! Does he realize how crappy the economy is right now? Does he realize that some people have literally applied to hundreds of jobs before they get one bite? And given that you're both within just a few years of leaving college, you don't have quite the experience that others in the job market do.
You're right! This ISN'T an easy college relationship anymore, and he needs to come to that conclusion! I don't think you should move back just because he is giving up the hunt after 5 rejections. That is hardly putting in any effort. |
| SnakeCharmer, waiting4
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#7
Jul 18, 2014, 01:04 PM
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Waiting4, he can't afford counseling and hates doctors. I can't afford counseling at the moment because my insurance from my job won't cover it.
Emma, I know and I am trying, which is one of the reasons I posted as it can be hard to see past one's own emotions. Trying, I have been accommodating as well, both times we have seen each other I flew back to the midwest. My main worry is if I go back he might get comfortable and decide he never wants to leave and then I will have given up one crappy job in an area where I could get work in my desired field for a crappy job in the midwest where the best I can hope to be is a baby mama like the mass majority who remain there. If we hadn't agreed to a plan of action prior to my moving I would be more understanding rather than frustrated. Perna, I have applied to 94 jobs in the state I am in right now. I applied to 20 jobs in the state and city he is in and I only got a single call back (which is why I stopped applying because bills needed paying) and that is from the job I currently have. I am just bitter that his "trying" has only been for 5 jobs and all required clearance or specialization whereas I had applied to crappy office jobs that I knew I'd hate just to be with him and he isn't making the same effort. I have been supportive and wouldn't bring it up for months because he was so touchy about it, he applies to one job each time I bring it up and 5 jobs applications over the course of 9 months is a joke. We had discussed other states, he still has a freak out and says there are no jobs he will get in whichever state we are discussing and we have discussed 6 states but he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone or risk more rejection from other jobs. Chipper, I know! Which is part of why I am hesitant. We graduated last year, he still lives with his parents which means I'd have to join him (his folks have offered to let me live with them, but have also been rather negative about our future together). |
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#8
Jul 18, 2014, 01:24 PM
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Yes. Wise counsel. |
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#9
Jul 18, 2014, 02:16 PM
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Froggygirl, it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. There's a third, middle road. You could decide what's best for you, communicate that calmly to your boyfriend and then let him make up his own mind what he wants to do about it. That means not telling him what to do or "encouraging" him to do things your way. As difficult as it is, it's important to step back to let him "man up" and decide what he is and isn't willing to do for himself, you and your relationship.
And you will be doing the same thing yourself. You will be womaning up, which sounds funny. You'll be acting as a mature free agent, leaving the door open for your boyfriend to do the same, if that's what he chooses. If you want to stay East and if you also want to be with him, you can tell him that and say you hope he will keep trying to find a way to join you. Then stop giving him the kind of encouragement he finds stressful. He's not an idiot, he knows he has to find a job to be with you -- no matter where you are -- and it is really really, did I say REALLY -- hard to find a job in many parts of the country. You can offer him sympathy and support and love, but stop the pep talks if he's telling you outright that they stress him out. Five job rejections hurt, it hurts bad, but it's not really all that many in the current economy. If this man would break up with you or demand you come back to a black hole of hopelessness and no opportunities because he's so sensitive he's not willing to take some rejection to improve his life and get to you, well ... he's going to just keep dragging you down if you stay with him. Please think this over carefully and decide what YOU want to do. Then let him decide if he's willing to bear some inconvenience and pain in order to be with you and to improve your lives. It's possible that if you step back and stop trying to get him to do what you want, ie, find a job and come East, that you may decide you really miss him and want to go home. Or not. Right now, there is no right or wrong decision when it comes to staying or going home. It's the process of how you decide and stepping back and letting him decide what he wants to do and letting him take his own action that is going to determine how your relationship turns out. Doing that is a lot harder than it sounds. If you can do it, you'll both discover what you're made of. I wish you the best of luck with this difficult decision-making. I hope things with your sister have improved or will soon improve so that you can make your decisions based on your own needs. You're young. This may be one of the few times in your life when you can make decisions based on your own needs. Once you're married or in a career or if you have children, the freedom to do what YOU want will be lessened greatly. The decisions you make now, early in your adulthood, may determine the course of the rest of your life. Choose wisely. 
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| froggygirl
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| hannabee
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#10
Jul 18, 2014, 03:49 PM
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Moving in with his parents sounds like a really bad idea. I think you are right to hesitate. Applying for five jobs over the course of eight months doesn't really count as making an effort, imo.
Does he have a job where he is now? A career path job he doesn't want to leave? |
| blur, hannabee
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#11
Jul 18, 2014, 11:52 PM
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Snake, my encouragement is when he breaks down crying because he misses me or got rejected and is basically, "you are intelligent, wonderful, and smart. It wasn't the right fit just like with internship A but it allowed you to have internship B which you loved beyond measure so don't give up hope. Things will work out in the end and no matter what I love you." That is my encouragement. He has told me he is going to continue looking out east (applied to two jobs today) and he might try and save from his next paycheck to see a therapist.
hvert, he has a job as security at a multi-mansion country club area, which he hates and has no chance for promotion. |
| SnakeCharmer
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#12
Jul 19, 2014, 04:34 AM
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he can't find a job so wants to give you an ultimatum? that seems rather backwards. sadly, if he doesn't apply for a whole lot more jobs he will probably still be living with his parents when he's 40. okay, sorry to be snarky, but no, i absolutely would not move back and live with his family in a place you consider a black hole. i think you might end up staying there until you are 40 as well. on his parents couch, lol. have you told him how many jobs you've applied for? it sounds like he needs to get some perspective about the job market. if he is a college graduate i don't understand why he'd be applying for security jobs unless that is his chosen field he wants to pursue. he will be competing with people who have no college degree and the applicant pool will be that much larger. does he have an entry level career job he wants to pursue? he may not get it right away but at least applying for it would be good unless security is what he wants to go into.
__________________
~ formerly bloom3 |
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#13
Jul 19, 2014, 07:40 AM
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I see all kinds of resentment building on both ends. If you move back and it does not work - resentment. If he comes where you are and it does not work - resentment. One of you can take a "chance". It may or may not work...but that is the growing pains of life. He may feel much more secure being home. I know you already given it a lot of time...but I would say give it more time less pressure for now. Not a great answer but there is really no perfect answer for either of you because you do not know what the future will bring.
And as far as counseling....for both...there are support groups and centers that will see you and have a "sliding scale" regarding your income. If you both want to improve your lives with or without each other - find a way to get help.You are here and that is a start. That would be a red flag for me...knowing what I know now - if my partner was not doing well and did not try to find out ways to get better - not sure he is the person for me. My x did not want to get help. He just wanted me to get help - which has been ongoing for me. I guess he did not want the marriage bad enough.
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
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#14
Jul 19, 2014, 01:11 PM
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__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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