[hvert]

My house is usually trashed and I'm always in the middle of a construction project. I don't entertain at home. If I go to someone else's house and see that it is as messy as mine, I will let them come over, but otherwise I won't let them in-- especially if I know they are neat freaks! It even stresses me out when people want to pick me up at my house because I'm worried they'll want to use my bathroom.

So who else does this? And is there anyone who used to be this way that changed? This was how I grew up and I guess it has carried over.

[glok]

Hello, hvert. I have no one to invite. Even if I did, it is unlikely they would accept.

[unaluna]

This isnt how i grew up, and there have been times in my adult life when my home has been presentable enough to have company over, even overnight guests. Its gotten progressively worse as ive gotten older and fatter, and my room was usually a mess when i was a kid (but the rest of the house was neat and clean).

[A Red Panda]

I rarely invite people over. Growing up, when I was younger I wasn't really allowed to (and no one really lived near enough to easily come over), and then when I was older I wasn't going to expose my friends to my family.... so it is a bit of a habit now.

I'm also a bit of a neat freak, so if there's ANYTHING even slightly out of place I'm like "it's messy! you can't come over!" (despite having everyone who ever has tell me that they're horrified about what I must think of their place if I consider mine messy..... but really... others homes are their's so what do I care? It's only MY place that has to be neat!).

I get really worried about being judged and don't like to bring stress in to my home... and what if someone said no? Or distanced from me afterwards?

Despite all of that..... I do usually invite people out. And I've been learning to invite people over a bit, but it's never more than one person at a time (my T actually made me have a small dinner party as a challenge... it was hard and my perfectionist type behaviour came out during it...).

But once someone's really close to me and has been over enough times, then it relaxes a bit. Like... my bf can come over when I consider it messy and I can be alright with that (usually as he's the one who helped make it messy and then I just didn't have time to really clean up things yet!). But I still almost always do the quickest tidy-up that I can first.

[hvert]

Glok, I'd come over if you invited me

I love knowing I'm not alone with this-- and it's interesting how many different reasons we all have for the same kind of behavior.

I always feel weird when I tell people that they can't come over because it's too messy. I'm driving a neat freak friend today in my messy car and stressed about that.

I think there is also some stress about just having people in my space. I have a couple of friends that won't leave unless I directly ask them to. Entertaining outside the house is so much easier, especially in separate cars!!!!

[Slamjammer]

Got a question.....do you really...REALLY enjoy living in chaos? Why not spend a day cleaning the place? .... or is your home reflective of your personality? Maybe you are just looking for reasons to avoid socialization. Maybe it's a "self image" thing. Anyway, it's your place and you can do with it what you will.

[glok]

I would clean my place if only I could find the shovel.

[hvert]

Slamjammer, that's a very good question. I would prefer not to live in chaos. I have tried to be neater at various points throughout my life, but it never seems to stick. I always have something better to do than putting my projects away or washing the bathroom floor.

If I spend a few hours cleaning, it's certainly presentable, and I do host brunches/dinners a few times a year.

However, even when my place is neater, I still would feel like it was too messy to invite people over. It's two different problems --- my house being too messy to let people in and just feeling like my house is too messy to let people in.

Occasionally it would be nice to invite someone over to see my gardens, but for the most part, I am happy not having people over. I just wondered how many other people were the same way

[SnakeCharmer]

My home is comfortable, nice without being starchy. I had too many people show up, sit down with a deep sigh and say, "This is nice," then they'd take their shoes off and put their feet up and park themselves for hours. Over time, I just started saying no. My H didn't like this invasion of his privacy, although he has never once objected to any outings I might want to take, so it's not a matter of jealousy. It was strictly an inappropriate invasion of space. I seldom invite people to my house these days. I actually had some people ask if they could move in because they felt so much safer and more comfortable at my place. I feel complimented and happy that I've created such an environment, but it's for me and my family. It woulds soon be uncomfortable if the doors were opened to whoever had an unhappy home life. So, no, I don't invite friends over much. Home is my sanctuary and I just don't want it invaded.

[tinyrabbit]

I have similar issues. My parents' house was always a mess and I didn't have friends over as my dad was often in a bad mood. I find it stressful to have people over now and prefer going to others' houses.

[hvert]

Someone wanted to move in???? Did you let them back in?

I live in a small city which is a popular tourist spot, so the requests and hints about people coming to visit in the summer are ridiculous. I can't stand overnight house guests, so I just say no. It's been sort of an issue with my boyfriend -- his family wants to visit, but I want them to stay in a hotel (or at their own home four states away).

His brother and his family visited last year and were the worst house guests ever-- they even tried to extend their stay by simply not leaving! Guess who has been angling to visit? Even after we said no this year?

Interestingly, both my boyfriend and I grew up in families where having friends over wasn't really possible for various reasons. Neither of us invite people home now. I think it isn't just the mess after all.

A friend came to my place so we could carpool today, so I cleaned my bathroom just in case she asked. She didn't, thankfully, but at least it is sparkling now

Thank you all, it is great to know we aren't alone

[NWgirl2013]

I was that neat freak person, running circles around everyone cleaning, cooking, straightening, fluffing, never an idle moment wasted...ugh!,though I didn't realize it at the time. I just couldn't help myself, keeping things in order worked for me. I am the only one of four siblings who is not a hoarder too...probably reactionary behavior on my part. We grew up in a tidy home & it only rubbed off on me.
Now...whole 'nother story...have a TBI, can't think about how things 'seem'. It was something I just had to let go of when I realized I couldn't do it to my own ridiculously high standards.
Now, meh, I will probably clean if I think someone might come over, but so far, not a soul to worry about but me. I like it that way. My home is my castle.

[ChipperMonkey]

Exactly. That is how I grew up and it carries over to my adult life, too.

I don't want to be this way. I want to have my own place where I can feel comfortable having people over and entertaining. One day.....

[hvert]

NWGirl2013, I am sorry about your TBI. When you were a neat freak, did you have a schedule like 'today I will clean the bathroom, tomorrow I will sweep?' Sometimes I am not sure how often I am supposed to be doing stuff. I feel like I wash the kitchen floor and two days later it looks like it needs to be washed again!!!

Both of my parents had (and have) definite hoarding tendencies, and all three of us kids picked up on them in one way or another. One brother went reactionary for a while, tossing his stuff, but it turns out he was just storing it at my mother's!

After visiting a super clean, beautiful house yesterday, where it was obvious the owner didn't have to pick up before company came, I am motivated to do some cleaning today. Even if I still don't want people over, it would be nice to have it look good for me

[Slamjammer]

We live in an "over 55" golfing community of about 300 houses. We're a fairly close-knit group and have many more friends and social activities now, compared to the work-a-day world. During the winter season we regularly have Saturday morning coffee and donuts at our clubhouse. I particularly like donuts ... ;-) ... and hated to see the season come to a close, so the wife and I decided to host a "breakfast club" at our house. At first we just continued with the coffee/ donut tradition with 6 or 8 people, but it soon took on a life of its own. Each week we would do something different.....maybe an egg scramble with lots of goodies in it, maybe sausage and biscuits, maybe a breakfast cassarole or an experiment with something new. Sometimes people would bring something they made. We had as many as 18 people for breakfast, and it was a blast.

Yes, we definately invite people to our house.

[Lemongrab]

I usually don't have a problem with inviting people to my house, but I don't know how to handle if they overstay their welcome or interfere with my routine. I usually prefer going to other people's houses, because then I have the control over how long I stay. If I need to escape the social situation I can.

[hvert]

Slamjammer, that sounds like fun (as long as it isn't at my house )! I love those regular weekly get-togethers. I had a group of friends for a while that went out to a different restaurant each week for brunch. I wish they hadn't moved!

Lemongrab, yes, asking people to leave can be very awkward. I have one friend who won't leave even when I ask her to, so I don't let her in the house at all anymore. Like you, I also prefer being able to leave when I choose. I don't like to carpool for the same reason.

[NWgirl2013]

Thank you for the kind words hvert.

I did have a schedule...I think?!
I recall always wanting to have everything done by Friday so there were no chores to do on weekends... so Mondays were laundry day. I only did that one chore on that day, everyones sheets, towels, dishtowels and clothes. I made it my excuse to watch movies all day with the folding all over in front of the TV.(stay at home mom at the time)
Friday the whole house got vacuumed. Now my teen son does that on Saturday so he can hang out on X-Box with his friends later. Works for me!

I liked the routine of it I think. Now that you got me thinking about it, I may try to do some modified version of that. It is awfully nice to have things tidy.
One tip: clean your bathroom sink everyday. Just wipe it down. And the mirror. Just that will make you feel accomplished & it takes less than a minute. And about the kitchen floor: once a week but I still load a little extra water on a dirty dishtowel and swirl it around with my foot if it seems dirty in between cleanings. Clean kitchens & baths are my issue clearly!

And you said the truth there: Do it for yourself. You are worth the effort too!

[A Red Panda]

Also, making the bed (it's not like it's got to be done to a hotel-standard, just made!) can make the room feel amazing. And keeping counter/table surfaces clear of clutter. And dishes.

Clean sinks, made beds, and cleared table surfaces make the place look great even if you need to do other things. They're always my "GOTTA DO THIS BEFORE SOMEONE ARRIVES!" standard (my bedroom is visible as soon as you walk into my flat, so my bed is the first thing you see...).

[hvert]

Thanks for sharing your routines! It sounds like keeping up with things on a daily basis is key, and making time to do the things I should be doing weekly, like washing the floors. I think it gets to a point where I have to scrub the floors, so washing the floors becomes this huge chore -- but if I just kept up with them regularly, it wouldn't take that much time. Funny how we can rationally know things and still not do them!

[spemat]

some of my older friends, yes because I know them.

I have had my ADHD and anxiety meds stolen more than once so I am not too fond of letting a lot of friends over.

[A Red Panda]

Oh definitely

Sometimes bribes work too. If there's something you're wanting to do at home (I don't know what your routine daily enjoyments are) you can go "Can't do that until I clean X!".

Oddly enough... I can be the opposite. I got myself through report-card-writing by informing myself that I wasn't allowed to do X until a certain subject was done... and when it was down to the last few on the Sunday, I was like "Ok Panda... you're not having a shower until you get these things finished!"....... hahaha. But hey, it works for me.

[Parisian Princess]

I thought this was just me!

My parents didn't really let us have people over when I was growing up. Playing in the yard was okay but not inside, so I went to friends' homes to socialize. That has carried over in my adult life. I have one or two people who can come over any time, but for the most part, company causes my anxiety levels to go through the roof!

I really don't want to be like this and I'm trying to work through the anxiety so that I can lead a more social life. I'm in therapy but so far, that part hasn't improved.

[hvert]

Cleaning is much more attractive when I have something else I should be doing. I sometimes wonder if the reason I have so much junk is so I'll have something to declutter!

I cleaned my car very, very thoroughly a few days ago. Everytime I get into now, I feel like there's something wrong. I think it's because everything is a different color from the scrubbing I gave it.

Parisian Princess, you are in good company here, it turns out My parents didn't mind if we had people over as much as I was embarrassed when I got old enough to realize what our house looked like compared to my friend's.

Spemat, I had someone steal old painkillers once. It makes you wonder. For a while I had this horrifying torn up stuffed animal in my medicine cabinet so I would know if anyone opened it -- it was the kind of thing that was so disgusting and unexpected that someone would scream if they weren't expecting it. No one ever did, so I eventually tossed it

[hoardersSO]

Oh how I would love to be able to have people round to the house. I am living with someone who has filled the whole house up with his stuff and is now at a point where no one can come into the house - even someone to read the electricity meter or do some work on the place for us.

We have children - school age - who are also not allowed to invite any friends - they get really upset, my daughter particularly who has been to friends for sleepovers and we cant have them back. My daughter (12) doesnt want to share a bedroom with my son anymore, so she now shares with me - what was intended to be her bedroom by now is full of SO's stuff.

Feeling particularly rubbish about it all today as I have a bad weekend - SO boot faired this weekend and bought a whole car load of extra 'stock' now added to the mountains in the dining room and blocking my entrance to the kitchen.