[shakespeare47]

So, this is a contest. If you can give me examples of someone worse than my brother... I'll give you a gold star.

We both grew up in the same abusive home. I've tried to talk to him about the shared experiences we had (he's only 3 years younger), but he has refused, and basically decided that he would rather just do everything he could to make my life hell.

He was just verbally abusive from the time we were about 10 or so. He was always looking for anything he could do to get into my head. Mocking my appearance, mannerisms... you name it. Playing head games... telling me what people were saying behind my back.. asking me about certain situations, and then telling me his manipulative interpretations. Telling me I was angry with him (gaslighting), and mocking my anger (mostly I just wanted to be rid of him). He played many of these games well into adulthood. My last few encounters with him were of him telling me that he knew about what was going on between an aunt and I.

He once angrily told me that because I had a rental house and another home, that I should just give him the rental. He angrily demanded that I loan him money, then when I did, and told him I expected him to pay me back, and kept track of how much he paid and when, he told people I was treating him unfairly. I kept an even temper throughout all this.... and yet, he continually told other people and me that I had a problem with anger.

The worst was when he flat out told me that the reason I was sexually abused by a stranger when I was 10, and he wasn't, was because he was a "tough little kid" and no one would have messed with him.

It took me a while to come to terms with those comments... and I wrote all my family members that had an email address (including my brother) and demanded an apology. He refused and replied that "he loved me"... and denied the whole thing. So, I publicly disowned him, and told him never to contact me again.

Can anyone top that one?

[someone321]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that and I'm glad that you asked your toxic brother to never contact you again and you let your family know what you think about it - I think, it was very brave and not everyone could do that...

I also think that it is important how he and the whole situation made you feeling and not if anyone has better or worse family members because I found that comparisons do not work so well (for me at least)... because would it make you feeling better if I wrote that my brother was even worse? Or would it be better if I wrote that my brother was bad but not as bad as yours? I think that you have the perfect right to feel bad about it and you don't have to compare your situation with others, especially as there are no winners in this contest...
Take care

[shakespeare47]

I'm just trying to make a game of it of sorts... Like the scene from Notting Hill where they compete for the last brownie.

I'm really curious as to how bad my brother really was... and if anyone had it worse than me.

But, I understand if it's too painful for people to want to play.

[Hobbit House]

while my brother and sister were good to me, I grew up in a Catholic orphanage where I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. No walk in the park I have lots of trust issues and C-ptsd left over from it

[bellegirl10]

I'm sorry. I don't think my sister can top that but she is pretty bad. She has been suffering with anxiety and depression. I haven't been diagnosed but the things I've been going through I just feel worthless.

Anyways I do believe some of her problems are depression and anxiety because she was picked on in school but sometimes I think she does it just for attention. A few months ago she supposedly took a whole bunch of sleeping pills. Which I find it hard to believe since she went to the hospital and they just evaluated her and she didn't have much of a reaction. If she took as many as she did she wouldn't have been as ok as she was. When this happen she was wanting to move to a different city with my aunt and uncle. When she was in the hospital bed she took a selfie of herself and sent it to my aunt saying "this is why I need to move..."

Last week she got mad at me for leaving a little diaper that didn't smell or anything on the bathroom counter because my son was screaming.. she told me "well you're the one who had the baby..." Guess who didn't get to hold him for awhile?

Yeah she drives me crazy.

[shakespeare47]

^she does sound like she is tough to deal with.

[Raindropvampire]

Ok I'll play. It sounds like your brother and my mother would be a match made in hell.

I can't count the number of times when I was little that she told me she wished I'd been a miscarriage or that she'd slap me or shove me down if I tried to hug her. When my sister killed herself my mom told me it was my fault. She said that I talked to her hours before it happened and if that I had cared about her at all I would have been able to tell that she needed help. Despite the fact that my uncle abused her and their little sister she still sent me over to his house unsupervised anytime he asked. She almost strangled me to death over a joke my dad played on her. After he managed to pull her off me and tell her it was his fault she said I probably deserved it for something else so she didn't owe me an apology. She always was on me about my weight growing up. When we finally found out I had an under-active thyroid she told me I had to take the medicine because and I quote "I'm your mother and I'm only saying this because I love you. If you don't take the medicine to lose weight you'd better hope you're rich when you grow up because no one will EVER want you for your looks or personality." Most of the crap she said or did I have come to terms with but those still stick in my craw a bit.

Irony is I had it better than her growing up because my granny was even worse to her. Both of them have bipolar and won't admit it or get any help for it so maybe they can't help how they are. Who knows what makes terrible family members terrible

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Ok I'll play. It sounds like your brother and my mother would be a match made in hell.

I can't count the number of times when I was little that she told me she wished I'd been a miscarriage or that she'd slap me or shove me down if I tried to hug her. When my sister killed herself my mom told me it was my fault. She said that I talked to her hours before it happened and if that I had cared about her at all I would have been able to tell that she needed help. Despite the fact that my uncle abused her and their little sister she still sent me over to his house unsupervised anytime he asked. She almost strangled me to death over a joke my dad played on her. After he managed to pull her off me and tell her it was his fault she said I probably deserved it for something else so she didn't owe me an apology. She always was on me about my weight growing up. When we finally found out I had an under-active thyroid she told me I had to take the medicine because and I quote "I'm your mother and I'm only saying this because I love you. If you don't take the medicine to lose weight you'd better hope you're rich when you grow up because no one will EVER want you for your looks or personality." Most of the crap she said or did I have come to terms with but those still stick in my craw a bit.

Irony is I had it better than her growing up because my granny was even worse to her. Both of them have bipolar and won't admit it or get any help for it so maybe they can't help how they are. Who knows what makes terrible family members terrible

Oh my GOD. That is terrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

[Raindropvampire]

I wouldn't be as strong if I hadn't and I got help for my bipolar because I didn't want to be like them so it served a purpose I suppose. Plus I stopped the cycle by deciding to never have kids so it all worked out in the end. I bet having to deal with your brother has given you strength and patience you never would have had otherwise.

So what do ya say we toss your brother and my mom in a room together and let them duke it out?

[shakespeare47]

^I'd love to see my brother and your mother in a room together for a few days or even months.. It would make for a really cool experiment. That gives me a great idea for a book or movie plot!

Are you in contact with your mother?

[Raindropvampire]

I live with my mother. I'm a complete idiot is all I can say. About 5 years after my sister died I let my granny guilt me into moving in with my mom and brother. My lease was up and my mom was about to lose her house because she couldn't afford it. She has mellowed out a bit in her old age and knowing that if I move out she loses her house and job has done wonders for our relationship. Also I hit an age where I don't take crap and I think she's a bit scared of me so we have a fairly peaceful coexistence right now.

Makes me an idiot supreme does it not?

[shakespeare47]

^Well, apparently, we're both idiots. I rented a room to my brother when I was in my 20's, for several years. I really had a problem with telling him "no" for some reason. It was during those years that he made the comments in regards to the abuse. And a few years after that my wife and I went on a vacation together with him, something I regret to this day.

I do sometimes look at the situation as one of character building. I took it. I didn't go crazy, I didn't cry... at the time, he didn't even know how much he upset me... and I really wasn't all that upset when it happened.. it was thinking about it later.. thinking about what kind of person he is, based on my experiences with him over the lifetime of our relationship. It's the sum total of all that he did over the years that really bothers me. Again, it was bad... but, I can handle it.... I did handle it.

Plus... no one deserves to be blamed for any sexual abuse they experienced as a child. And his comments in that regard are not to be taken lightly... I will not tolerate comments like his from anyone. period

[shakespeare47]

^ There are no words to describe how awful that is. I'm so sorry you had to experience it. Do you think he's sorry for what he did? Does he own up to it?

The worst part for me, is that I'm not sure if anyone in my family believes me... Some of them even took my decision to disown him as an opportunity to judge me.

I can almost hear most of my relatives saying things like "if _____ (my brother) was so bad, then why did you agree to rent him a room? or go on a vacation with him?". "you're either really stupid, or lying to us... besides, he never did anything to us, so he can't be all bad.".

Well, at least I have one sister who supports me. I talked to her about it recently. and she suggests he may not even remember making the comments about my sexual abuse because he was smoking pot during that time period. Something I didn't know..

But, I still absolutely refuse to have any contact with him until he owns up to what he did in some way. I owe that to myself.

[someone321]

Yes, actually last year he said that he didn't remember anything from that time (so quite few years) but since the family got to know about other csa incidents he started thinking that maybe his "sick" dreams were not dreams but maybe it did happen, so he shortly apologized and said that I don't have to worry about anything, he'll repair our relationship and it will be great again... Yeah, sure like if he could do that without my willingness...

No one else knows so at least i don't have any problem with their believing me or not, so I'm sorry that you have to go through this...

PS. Sorry, I deleted the above post as I recalled that it could be very easily found in google...

[shakespeare47]

^ you are right to be wary. How could he be so flippant about it? His attitude kinda reminds me of my dad's. He was guilty of all kinds of abuse towards my mother.. mental and physical.. yet, he DEMANDS that we forgive him, with barely the slightest acknowledgement of how damaging his actions were.

Why would you be afraid that someone would find this thread and your post after a google search?

[someone321]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

^ you are right to be wary. How could he be so flippant about it? His attitude kinda reminds me of my dad's. He was guilty of all kinds of abuse towards my mother.. mental and physical.. yet, he DEMANDS that we forgive him, with barely the slightest acknowledgement of how damaging his actions were.

Why would you be afraid that someone would find this thread and your post after a google search?

I'm sorry that guys in your family were pretty ugly :/ I guess, all abusive people think that it's never their fault...

I guess because I give some details here and there, some people in IRL might notice that I use this forum if I do not clean the computer history or whatever and put all puzzles together... And as no one knows about him, I wouldn't like them to get to know that...

[shakespeare47]

I think I understand.. but, do others know what your b did to you? Have you talked to a T about it?

[someone321]

Yes, T knows so I think it's already enough people

[IrisBloom]

I might have the winner here...

I'll try to make a long story short. My mother had 7 kids and didn't raise any of them. She left us oldest 3 with our dad. Repeat twice more. I loved her and she hurt (emotionally) all of us repeatedly throughout our childhoods. When I grew up and got married and pregnant she came to live with/near us. She wasn't any better of a grandmother than she was a mother. Through the years I tried many many times to have a normal mother-daughter relationship with her, only to be shot down each time.
(I was the second child and oldest girl.) I was married to my second husband who was much older than me, actually closer to her age than mine. He was the love of my life and he had 4 daughters and I bore his only son. My mother became infatuated with my husband. He did not return her feelings, but tolerated her as a friend. My husband and I were both damaged goods, and the day came when he left me. I loved him and did not want a divorce but I filed because I didn't want to live in limbo for a long time. I cried non stop for months, even at our divorce hearing. I called my mom to tell her our divorce was final. She said "Oh good, I can have him now"...

I know the abuse you all suffered was horrendous, and I had some of the same experiences. But I have to say this incident chilled my heart more than any other.
(((hugs to all)))

[lilypup]

Mine is not as bad, but I wanted to chip in. My 43 year old felon brother was living with us free of charge. He was smoking meth at our house. When we found out someone was doing meth, we tried to find out who it was. My brother told me it was my 17 year old son. We believed my brother because our son had smoked pot. We lost a lot of trust with our son over this.

[shakespeare47]

^ sorry to hear that!

[shakespeare47]

Anyone else familiar with Mackenzie Phillips? She admitted that she had been in a sexual relationship with her father starting when she was 19. Not everyone in her family believes it's true. And, she blames herself because she was 19 when it started.

I'm sure it must be strange for people to hear her talking about what happened... I'm sure they wonder why she didn't say anything sooner.

I tend to think that because of the nature of the parent/child relationship, that she was a victim and not to be blamed. And I think she should be commended for talking about what happened.

[Koko2]

My sibling commits ego theft. Any time they notice that I have any shred of self-esteem about anything, they'll snatch it away. It's essentially psychological identity theft. A hypothetical example would be if they noticed that I like wearing purple, they would buy a wardrobe of purple clothing then act as though it's me that's copying them.

[cady4217]

Oh, I'm totally in on this one! It sounds like your brother and my uncle need to turn gay and get together!

My uncle does things of the same basic nature, he is the youngest of 7 so he acts like a big baby all of the time. He lives disgustingly and pretty much only calls when he wants something. He calls my husband poopy-head (actually, they both do it, real mature!) and if he's ever in a kitchen with anyone he will whip them with a dish towel.

When my family lived with him in my grandfather's house, he basically told me it was a woman's job to cook and clean and have things perfect for him when he gets home, oh and then scrub the tub after he takes a disgusting bath.

Then there's my brother. For the past 4 or 5 years he has been a drug addict, I've been through hell picking him up when he's puking his brains out somewhere, getting into fights with him about what he's doing in front of my children, and letting him live with me so he doesn't have to live with my parents; all this while my parents are bailing him out of jail and putting him through 4, 5 or 6 rehabs.

My mom likes to throw me into his world and get me to talk to him about things, or drag me into situations I don't want to be in the middle of because I have stood up for him sometimes, then she comes out with comments like "I wish I could have children I was proud of."

My parents are just plain enablers, to me and him. They don't know how to give their generosity a limit and then complain about what we are taking later.

[shakespeare47]

I can relate.... there is a lot of addiction in my family as well. Dad is a non-drinking alcoholic. Then there is the behavior of the brother that prompted me to start this thread. A sister has a real problem with alcohol, even when she isn't drinking, she's rather loud and obnoxious. Another brother is a gambler and a meth head... the other sister seems to be doing okay. She seems the most stable. She just finished up her degree, and has had stable, gainful employment for many years, and keeps moving up.

I feel most healthy when I'm away from my family. I'd actually like to get further away...