[UKgal]

Am sure this sort of thing has been covered, but I'm brand new on here.

Short story for now: Husband & I had quite an open marriage, but have been monogamous for past couple of years. While travelling recently, he developed an obvious connection with a woman, nothing happened, but I felt very rejected for the first time ever & told him. He assured me that nothing had/would happen & that although they are FB friends, it was nothing flirty.

One day I saw his FB open & couldn't resist a sneak peak.....their messages came across as flirty to me & she even put at the start ''I don't normally fall for married guys''

Since then I'm obsessed with checking his messages (which I'm always horrifically guilty for) and they have settled down somewhat, no sexting etc, but pretty flirty. Now I've noticed messages to another woman he met while travelling too....they are also very flirty.

We're currently apart for 6 weeks while I spend time with my family as my Grandarents are not well and I'm obviously missing him. But this all started WAY before me moving a few 1000 miles away!

Any advice?? I don't understand where my jealousy/lack of trust has come from.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by UKgal

Am sure this sort of thing has been covered, but I'm brand new on here.

Welcome to the site, UKgal.

One day I saw his FB open & couldn't resist a sneak peak.....their messages came across as flirty to me & she even put at the start ''I don't normally fall for married guys''

In my experience, if there is NOT 100% honesty and respect in a marriage, you really don't have a marriage at all. It's just a "friends with benefits" arrangement where the guy feels FREE to "shop around".

Any advice??

I'd have a marriage counselor help both of you to restore the respect and trust that might have been there in the beginning. If not have a counselor TEACH both of you how to be honest and respectful with each other.

I don't understand where my jealousy/lack of trust has come from.

It usually comes from early childhood situations (parenting) that have programmed you to be insecure and mistrustful which then promotes fearful, angry and jealous feelings later in life whenever you are triggered = UNLESS something happens to help you acquire better self esteem and confidence thus undoing your earlier conditioning to feel insecure and JEALOUS.
I'd google: self respect and get to work on improving yours.
Good luck building up your own self worth and then standing up to your husband's bad behavior,
jim

[ChipperMonkey]

I think I'm a bit appalled that someone would suggest that a wife who's husband is getting flirty with other women on facebook has trust issues that stem from childhood.

Here's an alternate theory. Your guy is telling you that something is amiss, as it should be doing. Your sense of right and wrong is kicking in and you know deep down that this is wrong.

I have a feeling that the last person to reply has stepped out on his SO and is using his reply as a justification for his own misdeeds.

Humans are designed to be monogamous. I know your relationship was open before, but maybe its basic human nature that's kicking in and saying hey, protect what's yours! That is, there's nothing wrong with these feelings of mistrust.

[healingme4me]

Perhaps lack of trust developed when he wasn't honest from the very beginning that he was starting up these friendships?

People grow and change. Perhaps you want the doors closed on your marriage. And starting up new flirty, quasi-flirty, 'lead to'-flirty friends that he met while vacationing with You, that's present day insecurity, with good reason. One of your relationship needs may have adjusted (fidelity) and now that's feeling unmet.

Don't keep torturing yourself by going into his account. Have a serious futures talk. Redefining your needs.

[UKgal]

Thanks, I know we need another serious chat about everything. But we wont be face to face for another 8 weeks and his internet connection is not good enough to support skype....so I think I'll have to wait until we're back together before having that talk. How would you react if your partner told you he/she'd been going into your account? That's what's stressing me out the most to be honest!

[lilypup]

Honestly, I don't think I'd mention you had been in his account. That would just result in getting the guilt off of your chest. Just STOP snooping around. That only adds fuel to your insecurity.
If you have an "open" marriage, he may think everything is fine with all this flirting. If you don't want an open marriage anymore, be prepared that he may not think this is fair. Good luck. I don't really get the concept of open marriage, but I am pretty old.

[healingme4me]

If you feel it's necessary to tell, that is a choice to consider. However, it may in turn[telling him] take the focus off the main issues that clearly need addressing.

[Me and my dog]

Our issues all differ, but my story is the wife and I both had been snooping on each others FB accounts. Neither had anything other than past gf/bf's as friends but with my head not being screwed on right had HUGE issues. One of her "friends" was an ex that I totally despised as a human back in the day. Our solution... we got rid of FB altogether. Now we use the phone to stay in touch with the few true friends we have. My friends list was 205 people. Like in school days I've found my 5 or 6 real friends are still there. Not sure if the other 200 even know my account has been deleted. Technology can be a bad thing to some. It was mutual on our part and I'm not sure its a direction you personally want to go, but.... sigh... I'm glad we meant enough to each other to not let social media ruin our marriage. Best of luck to you!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Me and my dog

Our issues all differ, but my story is the wife and I both had been snooping on each others FB accounts. Neither had anything other than past gf/bf's as friends but with my head not being screwed on right had HUGE issues. One of her "friends" was an ex that I totally despised as a human back in the day. Our solution... we got rid of FB altogether. Now we use the phone to stay in touch with the few true friends we have. My friends list was 205 people. Like in school days I've found my 5 or 6 real friends are still there. Not sure if the other 200 even know my account has been deleted. Technology can be a bad thing to some. It was mutual on our part and I'm not sure its a direction you personally want to go, but.... sigh... I'm glad we meant enough to each other to not let social media ruin our marriage. Best of luck to you!

I totally respect such a mutual decision. The first time I had a fb account, I was trying to reconnect with everyone, men and women. Old classmates, mainly as I'd only had two exes that I personally didn't really want to connect. Long story short, got divorced, changed my status and suddenly drama ensued. Know how some do those blasts...YOU, yes YOU..blah blah...

Second time around, it's just better for me, only males allowed and I've expressed this in my about me, are relatives. Otherwise just my female friends and the rest of my family.

It does create nightmares for many...

[waiting4]

I also don't know that I would tell him you were snooping in his fb account unless you do so directly, and state it in such a way that leaves no doubt you had every right and reason to be looking. If you slink it in, then as sure as fleas and ticks, he's gonna turn it around and in defending yourself, the entirety of your argument and 'revisiting your relationship' will be lost.

good luck!

[UKgal]

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling much more positive/ clear in how I deal with this. I know I NEED to stop snooping. Am making a conscious effort to stop. I don't think I'll mention the snooping when we finally get together & talk. I realize that I need to be clear in what I want. That I need to deal with my OWN insecurities & then explain them to him.

Me and my dog...yes, social media is an absolute nightmare & I do miss the days of just emailing your nearest & dearest, rather than the world! Maybe we'll decide to do something similar, or at least have 'media hour' every day, together, and that's it! hmmmmm, got me thinking, thank you