[clairekelly66]

Hi,
I would really like some advice or just general comments.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I could just be about to make the biggest mistake of my life or it could be the best thing I have ever done.

Seven years ago I had an affair, no excuses, it was wrong. I was working full time, my husband was working evenings. We drifted apart and someone showed an interest it me, the rest is history - as they say.

My husband then returned the favour and had an affair himself. We both decided we wanted to stay together and made it through. It was hard work as I am not one to let things go, I'm very insecure and have issues with myself as a person, but I thought we were doing ok.

This week I noticed him being overprotective of his Facebook account and it struck a nerve. So, next day I checked his emails and there is an email from a woman saying 'I'm fine thanks, how are you?' (All messages on Facebook had been deleted, because (he said) he wanted to avoid the situation that we are now in!)
I confronted him and his face said it all. He admits that he contacted her.
He gave a long story about how he used to know her from a club which has now shut down and he joined the 'fan page' for the club and there she was.
He told me she was 'before me' which hurt. I don't want to think of him 'before me' even after 25 years of marriage.

I feel more cheated than I did seven years ago. Nothing has happened physically, I know this. But, in my mind, he has reached out to someone else and I don't know if I can let this go. What would have happened if I hadn't found out? What was he looking for?

I am truly torn between leaving and being alone or having to 'suck it up' and move on.

Our son left home 3 years ago and our daughter leaves for University in two weeks. I feel rushed to make a decision, he keeps saying 'what are you going to do?' and I don't know. (I have told him I am leaving, I just haven't done anything about it yet)

He is making no effort to talk to me about this, he sits looking at me or behind me waiting for ?? I don't know what. He also says that I am overreacting because nothing happened.
I asked him what he would do and he said he didn't know but that he would be upset.

Confused is not the word! I really don't know what to do. It has helped just writing this all down to be honest, but if there is anyone out there I would love to know what you think.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, clairekelly66, and welcome to Psych Central! In my mind, I see this as what's called an "emotional affair," which can be almost as bad, if not worse in a way, than a physical one. And he was keeping it from you.

I think if I were in your shoes, then I would ask him to move out--and give the situation some time. But I certainly wouldn't trust his lying behind again.

I am sorry this situation happened. Please keep us informed. We do have the "divorce and separation" subforum here, if it comes to that.

My thoughts, anyway.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think the silence is screaming at you the loudest.... Listen? What is it that you don't hear? You don't hear him fighting to win you back. He only asks if you're leaving. You can't fight for a marriage in which the other person is unwilling to fight for it as well. That is, he has already checked out it seems. It would take the both of you working hard in order to make things right again. I don't see him doing this.

[jimmy rich]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and even sorrier it's happening to your kids who will be the most damaged by this.

Hi,
I would really like some advice or just general comments.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I could just be about to make the biggest mistake of my life or it could be the best thing I have ever done.

I wonder what your kids have to say?

We both decided we wanted to stay together and made it through. It was hard work as I am not one to let things go, I'm very insecure and have issues with myself as a person, but I thought we were doing ok.

You probably were OK for a while, but, without knowing exactly HOW to make the marriage work, it all went down hill again. Making a marriage work takes learning and USING some simple, basic relationship skills that most marriage counselors can teach both of you, so I'd go for counseling ASAP and tell the counselor that you want to LEARN HOW to make it work - not just complain about it.

What was he looking for?

You'd have to figure that out in counseling and then find out what BOTH of you want.

but if there is anyone out there I would love to know what you think.

I tried to get onto an honest and respectful level with my then wife after I entered therapy (she was OK in her mind) but I finally packed up and left & then got a divorce! I still believe that she and I could have made it, especially after I began learning some good relationship skills BUT it takes both partners using these skills and she just was not interested in giving up her "shame and blame" style of controlling me and I was finally standing up for my self so we no longer "clicked". It was Codependency at it's worst but I was no longer her stupid little door mat and left to go find a happier life for my self - which I did with a much better partner - who also uses good relationship skills.
good luck,
jim

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by clairekelly66

He is making no effort to talk to me about this, he sits looking at me or behind me waiting for ?? I don't know what. He also says that I am overreacting because nothing happened.
I asked him what he would do and he said he didn't know but that he would be upset.

Confused is not the word! I really don't know what to do. It has helped just writing this all down to be honest, but if there is anyone out there I would love to know what you think.

He says he'd be upset, yet in the same breath says you are overreacting.

Something about your struggles in your marriage brought you to a vulnerable place where the attention of another man was alluring. Here your husband is seemingly brushing you off. Do you believe patterns have really changed, or were they covered up by learned 'masking' techniques?

How much therapy addressed the situation, then? And do you feel, therapy is worth your while now?

[~Christina]

I would normally advise that couples counseling is needed , but I think you need to find a therapist for yourself ... You need someone to help you walk through the emotions and help you decide what YOU want to do.

[soccerdad]

Could it be possible that since you both cheated that you are just expecting him to do it again? It could be that because of past infidelities you both have created a hypersensitive environment where every little thing seems to be a prelude to an affair. Nowhere in your post did you say anything that indicated he is cheating again. Just that he spoke to (I'm assuming) an old flame.

I cheated on my wife and we worked through it. One of the things that we had to work through was the guilt and suspicion. Every time I spoke to a woman without her there it felt like I was doing something wrong even though I wasn't. On the flip side every time I did something slightly out of the ordinary she began to think that I was leaving or seeing somebody else. This continued cycle did nothing but create chaos and we had to confront it. One of the things the Councillor told us was that perception is reality. If she thought I was going out and sleeping with someone else then it didn't matter if I was or not because the thought was already there. She said to concentrate and the solid things that you could see and not worry about what you thought might be happening because it would just continue to drive a wedge between us.

You can't expect him to never talk to another woman again just as you will talk to other men. Just because you interact doesn't mean anything is happening.

All that being said, if you don't love him anymore and the kids are gone then it may be time to leave and begin to build a new life. The only person who can decide that is you but the best advice I can give you is this; Do not leave over something you think might have happened or might happen in the future. Leave because you are truly not happy.