[elmonta33]

I've married last year, I met my wife during a work in Africa, we had a very short relationship before getting married. She Joint me 4 months ago in the Netherlands, when she came I thought she will be able to integrate very quickly but unfortunately I've realised that she can't speak not even fair English but also she lacks communication skills. If any of my friends came to visit she keeps quiet and not trying to converse with not only men but also women. Simply she can't make friends. Also, the main problem is that she is not trying to improve her language to be able to depend on herself on her daily activities e.g shopping, seeing family doctor. Also, we do not have anything in common that we can talk about like literature and politics, even general knowledge. Because of this I don't feel happy and I'm really thinking to divorce though she is pregnant now. Would you please give some advices noting that we are from the same ethnicity!

[~Christina]

Im a tad confused .. Did you not realize you and her didnt have a lot in common before you married her? Can you help her learn English or pay for classes maybe?

Your kind of in a bit of a mess...

She now carries your child... Shes in another country and cant speak the language.. So you divorce her? What does she do then ? Stay there ? Move back to Africa? You will have a child to support and be part of the child's life ?

Does your wife even know your unhappy ? Maybe marriage counseling could benefit you.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like such a thing would leave her and your unborn child, stranded?

Was just quizzing my kids, tonight. What's the hardest language, to learn?

Four months, without full immersion is tough to learn any language. Even at that, I wouldn't expect a full learning of the language without serious tutoring.
Vibes, too, can affect motivation to try new languages.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by elmonta33

though she is pregnant now. Would you please give some advices noting that we are from the same ethnicity!

If that were my situation and a child was on the way, I would do whatever it takes to attempt to provide a happy, loving and HEALTHY home for my soon to be offspring. I would help the mother of my child to become or gain whatever things she may need to be a good and adequate parent to my future child. I would even get both of us into Parenting Classes or anything I could find to make sure our child gets the very best parenting possible because my child will be the most IMPORTANT thing in the world for now. I would leave no stone unturned to look for solutions to whatever problems my wife and I are facing FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILD!
But that's just me.
good luck,
jim

[elmonta33]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Im a tad confused .. Did you not realize you and her didnt have a lot in common before you married her? Can you help her learn English or pay for classes maybe?

Your kind of in a bit of a mess...

She now carries your child... Shes in another country and cant speak the language.. So you divorce her? What does she do then ? Stay there ? Move back to Africa? You will have a child to support and be part of the child's life ?

Does your wife even know your unhappy ? Maybe marriage counseling could benefit you.

Thank you Christina! Just to explain more Dutch is the first language here in the Netherlands, but everyone speaks English.
we have discussed the issue but reading is not her hobby, she loves sleeping and watching TV, I've started gaining weight because she can't even cook healthy meals.

To be honest, I thought language will not a big deal in the beginning because she is a graduate and she hold a degree in political science but what is shocked me more her communication skills, as she can't makes friends. I've told her from the very beginning that I will not have much time to hang around because of the type of my work. But she is not doing enough to improve herself.
We do not argue as she has a nice personality. Just we do not talk much only about what we are going to eat today!! I know there is a child is coming but I can still care him. I do feel divorce is much better for me and her and our coming child. She is a nice and beautifl and surely she will find someone else to love and marry however, I don't want to compromise my and her happiness what so ever. Because I will be travelling for a couple of months, shhe will go back to her home country to give birth there, . Anyway, i will not take a the divorce decision until my child is born, by then my feeling towards her may change!!

[elmonta33]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sounds like such a thing would leave her and your unborn child, stranded?

Was just quizzing my kids, tonight. What's the hardest language, to learn?

Four months, without full immersion is tough to learn any language. Even at that, I wouldn't expect a full learning of the language without serious tutoring.
Vibes, too, can affect motivation to try new languages.

Thank you healingme4me. Full immersion could be trying your best to make friends and learning the language of what will be your new home country. However, if you missed the momentum and lack the needed motivation will be difficult to be integrated. The main problem is that we do not have anything in common. If we are at home we just sit in front of a TV. I gave up to talk about my works, plans, government policies, books or even fashion. She will starting going simultaneously to English and Dutch classes from next week. Promise to give her the needed support but if she failed to do so, divorce will be the solution.

[elmonta33]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

If that were my situation and a child was on the way, I would do whatever it takes to attempt to provide a happy, loving and HEALTHY home for my soon to be offspring. I would help the mother of my child to become or gain whatever things she may need to be a good and adequate parent to my future child. I would even get both of us into Parenting Classes or anything I could find to make sure our child gets the very best parenting possible because my child will be the most IMPORTANT thing in the world for now. I would leave no stone unturned to look for solutions to whatever problems my wife and I are facing FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILD!
But that's just me.
good luck,
jim

Thank you jimmy rich for your lovely thoughts, promise to do my best to look for solutions, but it depends on her if she willing to improve her communication skills.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by elmonta33

Thank you healingme4me. Full immersion could be trying your best to make friends and learning the language of what will be your new home country. However, if you missed the momentum and lack the needed motivation will be difficult to be integrated. The main problem is that we do not have anything in common. If we are at home we just sit in front of a TV. I gave up to talk about my works, plans, government policies, books or even fashion. She will starting going simultaneously to English and Dutch classes from next week. Promise to give her the needed support but if she failed to do so, divorce will be the solution.

I see what you mean. Was she an engaging conversationalist, before moving? Could she be suffering through depression or were these traits you were unaware of. And never mind, being pregnant is exhausting, literally.
Sounds like you want more conversation from her? When you tell her this, how do you address it?
Maybe sign her up for culinary classes. With a baby on the way, certainly learning how to plan as nutritious as possible will matter. Skills will help make it routine, and cooking becomes less exhaustive. Are grocer items different, perhaps?

You aren't seeinh greener pastures, are you? Feel I should ask, keep yourself honest to yourself if you must.

[waiting4]

I have to admit, I too am just a bit confused. You married this woman after knowing her...what, twenty minutes?? It just seems you would have known she lacked conversational / interpersonal skills when you were 'courting' her, if in fact, you bothered to do that. It also appears your criteria for marriage is that she be beautiful, as that is what you've stated she has going on for herself right now, and therefore should be able to find another person to marry once you've done with her.

Whatever happens, you are doing her a great disservice to put the failings of this entire situation on her shoulders. Example: are you unable/unwilling to cook? Have you asked or talked to her about HER interests?

I wish I could be more supportive, but honestly, I think the person in this situation in need of the MOST support is the unborn child. And trust me, once it's born, you will be supporting it for the next, at least, 18 years...and more likely the rest of your life.

In future, you might want to create a little questionnaire for your fiancé's to answer before you marry again, to prevent a repeat of the rather tragic situation.

[woundedsoul]

Ok, I'm not going to man bash here, just because he's come here giving his honest opinion of his situation of what's going on in his home life. It does sound like everyone is a little quick to judge him because he's bringing up the word divorce, just because she's pregnant, and from another country, but to me, it doesn't sound like she's to interested in doing her part in trying to make this marriage work either. I'm sure that she knew from the beginning, that leaving Africa and moving to a different country, where a different language was spoken meant that she would need to put in serious work to learn a new language so she'd be able to communicate with others in her everyday life, such as doctors, grocery store clerks, banks, not to mention just making friends. Sitting in front of the T.V. on a daily basis and not even having conversations with your partner, isn't trying to fit in to your new life. There are times when people from different countries marry, and once one person moves to the new country, they will try to make it work for a time, but find they just can't get over being home sick. They are so depressed, they usually end up leaving to return to their home country. That's completely understandable, but it doesn't even sound like this young woman has even tried to make a go of things. So, at this point, I would say that maybe the best thing is that she return home. It sounds like she would be much happier there. Sit down and talk with her honestly about the situation. Ask her what she is feeling, and if this is what she is thinking. Ask her to give you honest feedback. Tell her that your not upset and you just want the best for her and the baby. And if that means that she wants to go back home to live, then that's what you want for her to. Hopefully I gave you an unbiased opinion. And I hope that I didn't offend anyone else, that wasn't my intention.

[dedicated]

Originally Posted by elmonta33

I've married last year, I met my wife during a work in Africa, we had a very short relationship before getting married. She Joint me 4 months ago in the Netherlands, when she came I thought she will be able to integrate very quickly but unfortunately I've realised that she can't speak not even fair English but also she lacks communication skills. If any of my friends came to visit she keeps quiet and not trying to converse with not only men but also women. Simply she can't make friends. Also, the main problem is that she is not trying to improve her language to be able to depend on herself on her daily activities e.g shopping, seeing family doctor. Also, we do not have anything in common that we can talk about like literature and politics, even general knowledge. Because of this I don't feel happy and I'm really thinking to divorce though she is pregnant now. Would you please give some advices noting that we are from the same ethnicity!

brother, think twice please. dig more reasons why you committed yourself in the first place. think about the vow to be married, it takes tons of sacrifices. I know there are some could have and would have but there is no more time for that. I understand you had short engagement, you assumed she will do what you expected which means you didn't discuss about that expectation, how about discussing now? maybe she feels like getting divorce too - oops. do you know what she expected from you? maybe she can't do too much while at first pregnancy, did you think of that? seems like you married someone you admired not someone you loved. May God direct you to the right path.