[Philikins]

Hi there,

I'm a little embarrassed to have to come on here and hopefully I've got the right forum to be posting this on. As my title states, I literally do not know what is wrong with me but something has gone a miss and I desperately want to try and figure it out or get it sorted out. So any guidance or comments would be greatly appreciated as it's affecting me but more importantly my relationship..

Just to introduce myself, I'm male, 27 years old, live in the UK with my partner whom I've been with for just over a year, have three children to my ex partner whom I see roughly once a week due to living distances, have a good job which provides quite a good income and I do enjoy my job although it is a target driven environment. (Just trying to provide as much background as possible).

So how I'm feeling, this is the tricky bit... I can one minute be extremely happy, loved up and feeling on top of the world about everything but then recently I can literally just crash and become extremely low, worried about my relationship that my partner doesn't want me or doesn't love me, I feel that I don't have anyone that I can speak to, I can feel at times that I just need someone who will listen to my stresses and who will just like or love me for me.

To elaborate I'll talk about my relationship with my partner. I just want to say that firstly I love her, she means the absolute world to me and I would never do anything intentionally or with purpose of jeopardising what I have her. However, everything I seem to be doing at the moment just seems to frustrate her or she says that I am irritating her. When she refers to 'irritating' her it is usually as I am asking her if we are ok, if she still loves me and wants to be with me. I do have reason for this as we separated about 4 months ago however got back together after about a week and moved back in together after a further 2 months of being away with work. So we've been back living together for about 2 months or just over and within the last week she has told me twice that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, however after talking and me literally begging her to stay with me each of these two occasions she has said that she will stay with me (no I don't feel any lesser a man as I would do anything for her). I'm beginning to understand that a lot of the reason that she is unhappy and was miserable when she was saying she wanted me to leave again was to do with my recent changes in mood, I'll come in from work and she'll talk to me normally and I feel that she is not being loving or there is a problem with us as I'm feeling she is being off. She will say that she is not being off and then if I answer again she goes on the defensive and will give it to me good. We will then end up arguing and she has this habit of walking off all the time when I am speaking and it is frustrating me. I've also started to be quite aggressive, not toward her as I know I would never physically touch her in an inappropriate way but I'll slam things or throw thing which is not me but the anger takes over but what I don't want to do is let that continue. This is usually when she starts being nasty when I am asking her something or trying to speak in a calm manner but she is kicking off. Just tonight we were on the phone and she is going out with a cousin whom hardly contacts her but because she has said that she wants to go out, I flicked in to paranoid mode which led to an argument on the phone.

The reason I say this is because a couple nights ago when I was at a meeting for work I have to stay over. I come back the next day just before going away with work again for a few days and find on her iPad that she had signed up to a dating website and took the time to pick out a photo but hadn't put any information on it, just her photo. I managed to log in but there was no messages or anything on it. So when she gets back from her friends house that she said she was going to for dinner I ask her why she had signed up to a dating website and she lied to me saying she hadn't. When I confirmed that I know she'd picked a photo out for it, she then stops lying and says that it's because she is annoyed at me because I had a drink with my work colleagues at the hotel I had to stay at the evening before but she thought it was silly and just deleted the app. When I further pushed that this was a pants excuse, she then proceeds to say that it's because she doesn't want to be with me again (this is the second time she threatened me in the last week as previously mentioned). She said that she didn't want to be with me and that this was the same as last week in that she still felt actually the same and I just talked her out of it. Again I then immediately backed off and explained that I don't want us to end and I am happy to forgive and forget regarding the site she had signed up to as she didn't actually do anything on it but I want her to start being loving etc if we stay together and that can't happen again. Although I'm beginning to see the pattern that as soon as she doesn't like anything it's going to be a threat that I'll be getting thrown out. She has been telling me that she does love me and does want to stay with me though and that she wants to be with me and has assured me that this time it is the case. So this doesn't justify but it explains the reason I had the argument on the phone as I thought she may have been away meeting some other guy but as we were arguing she didn't consider my feelings that I'm in quite a low place at the moment worrying that she doesn't want me which I said to her but she proceeded to just lay in to me and shout at me on the phone and really giving me a kick when I'm down. She then hung up me which caused me to slam my phone down sat in my hotel room at a desk which caused my phone screen to break. Again the temper as I was frustrated which I am concerned about as I don't have a temper normally.

In fairness I guess I am irritating her by being paranoid and it was almost an accusation that she wasn't meeting her cousin she was meeting another man. It's just with the dating website thing she signed up to and telling me that she doesn't want to be with me, to saying that she does and whilst she is telling me she loves me, she isn't being loving, when I question her on that she says that she is being cautious that I won't change so she won't be putting the effort in till she sees the changes but she is fine with me putting the effort in. When I question that I get the response I didn't ask you to change or put effort in it was you who said you would.

When I get in these moods with her though, I am so adamant that I am right and that she is taking advantage of how much I love her by it all being on her terms to be fair I'm getting fed up of it but I don't want to lose her. I don't know if it is me over reacting, if it's me that not seeing it the right way, I just don't know. What I do know is that sometimes I seem to be snapping at her for no reason and making up silly things in my head which is then challenging our relationship as I can't talk to her about what's on my mind without an argument.

Regarding the reasons that she initially said it was over, this is because she said she was feeling miserable. It's like I would come home from work and instead of me just saying hello and giving her a kiss, I would expect her to kiss me. It's almost like I am craving her affection or attention all the time to feel wanted or loved.

On the reverse side I think that stresses from my work to do with the target driven environment on the bad days are causing issues for me. I seem to be touchy about everything that people are saying and I am taking to heart a lot more things that I wouldn't normally do. I mean I even fell out with my partners mum. Once was because she was sticking her nose in when me and Clare were having a disagreement that she overheard and she had no right in my eyes but I get she was just sticking up hp for her daughter. The second time is because I was in the house already, she comes back with my partner from them going out somewhere my partner sits down, I was boiling the kettle for myself when her mother comes in, uses up all the kettle water that wasn't to make a drink it was for making noodles as I hadn't eaten, makes herself and my partner a tea and doesn't even have the decency to fill the kettle back up nor even offer me one. So the way I've been feeling I had to say something, I said to her is there a problem because of you just doing that. I said I wouldn't just stand there and make me and Clare a tea or coffee and not even offer you one as I would find that rude. She then Says about her not being able to have a tea with her daughter, is that not ok. I said of course it is but I wouldn't use your kettle water that you've just boiled for something else to make a tea and then not even offer you one. To which she got arsey and said I was causing problems. Afterwards I apologised as I wish I had just kept my mouth shut but I just couldn't I had to say something, it's like I couldn't control the thought that she was being funny with me and trying to purposely wind me up and that is why she had done it so I just let her know about it. So now she won't speak to me and has said to my partner that if I'm in the house that she won't be coming around anymore and that she thinks that her daughter is too good for me and I just cause problems. I'm thinking do I try and make it up with her and do something to clear the air or do I just think stuff you then. However with my temper and everything I am wondering if it is my fault I just don't know. An I don't know how to get rid of these silly thoughts if they are silly and how to just be more mellow and get on with stuff and stop worrying because I think it is my worrying that is causing the problems.

If you've took the time to read this, thank you and any guidance would be much appreciated....

[zyberzoom]

It sounds like you are being disrespected and your wife just expects you to put up with it. You should try to calm your temper. (I can understand why you have one though.) (The way you are treated contributes to it, I suspect.) The moodiness is probably connected with the way you are treated, also.

Have you tried counseling? That could help a lot. Have your physician help you find one. That would be a start. Best of luck to you!

[Philikins]

Thanks for the advice. I don't think that my partner would be prepared to go to counselling top try and work things out as we are only a year down the line. I'm just in a state where I want everything to be fine and my temper to just go away. I also have a habit of keep asking if everything is ok at the moment which I know is winding her up but I guess it is my own self consciousness which is making me do so. When I try to tell her how I'm feeling I just get attacked almost in that I'm being inconsiderate and pushing her away by asking. I almost think to myself I wish I was strong enough to just turn round and forget but I love her very much and that is not what I want to do.

[hvert]

What about counseling just for you? This sounds like a really draining situation for all of you. I can see how constantly asking someone if everything is okay and trying to assign some sort of interpretation on each small action they take would make someone miserable. It would be good if you could get to the root of whatever is causing that to stop doing it.

If you have only been together for a year and already have been off/on, that doesn't bode too well for this relationship. Sometimes we can't be with people even if we love them a lot.

[healingme4me]

Get some anger management.

Sounds like a posting my ex husband could have vocalized from his perspective.

Women grow leary when things start getting slammed. And also, insecurity won't carry a relationship.

[~Christina]

It seems like you and her actually have more problems that good times . Your insecurities ? If my husband asked me all the time if I was happy and wanted to stay in the relationship blah blah blah it would drive me away not closer .

Allowing your angry to caused you to smash things is unacceptable across the board.. You get upset when she walks away when the arguments occur ? She is doing the RIGHT thing... Its always better to walk away and cool off and think before addressing "hot" topics .

If she is unwilling to go to counseling with you then thats her decision you have choice but accept it.. You and her have so many problems in this fairly shot amount of time... Shes not happy your not happy .. Maybe ending the realtionship is the smartest thing for both of you.

Meanwhile you need to get into therapy and deal with your issues and learn healthier ways to have a relationship.

Good luck