[michelle666]

I left a post the other day and I don’t think I said what I wanted to say clearly and I got little response so I’m going to try again.
I’m in a almost one year relationship and tbh I’m pretty darn happy- we have good and bad times like every couple but you know that’s normal. We have had a really rough patch. He makes me smile, laugh, angry, sad, jealous and everything like that.

We connect on an emotional level and everything. Sounds great right ? It is but I have my problems. Ever since I was a child I have been a drama queen RE relationships. I’ve ruined trips with others because I’ve broken down over people liking or not liking ect - I’ve accepted that.

So I dropped out of Univeristy this year (because I didn’t wanna see this person and I really don’t handle long distance relationships so well – im ok with it)- But a few months ago I went on a uni trip and All of a sudden I felt a connection with someone because they liked politics and dogs (I used to love politics but I shied away because of this and now I don’t care and I’m ok with that). After a few months of toil and not being able to stop thinking about it (I did tell me boyfriend at the time and we almost broke up and I have told him once whilst I was drunk) I sort of got over it (that’s what happens with me). I obsess over it for a good long time and sort of get over it but this connection wouldn’t go away and still appears a lot during my day.

It happened with a past relationship with a girl (I’m Bi) and after two and a bit years I did get over her- I really loved her for who she was. It also happened a lot last year- I had obsessive thoughts that were lets just say not very nice- Then I was convinced in my relationship I was Gay- needless to say I’m not and me and my boyfriend have an amazing, intimate and fantastic sex life- we really listen to each other. Then a few months I was convinced I liked my then uni housemate- I told her and she was fine about it and I got over it. I had some therapy because all of this finally got to me a few months ago (I would self harm and then I would imagine self harming every single minute of the day- these were not normal self- harming to – it was graphic, viscous and horrific).

I’m better now I guess – I think and I’m also waiting to get Cognitive Behavioural Therapy- So I’m trying to work on it. But I still have incredibly horrific days :/. My feelings for that guy I know are not real- but in my head it will not go away. Reminders remind me of him all the time (I would like to point out my first real boyfriend, this guy and a guy I slept with after me and my 1st broke up all share the same name so It is hard to get it out of my head).

I want this to go because I’m happy with my life now- Honestly I love my boyfriend a lot and also for who he is- I would do anything for him and he does and has changed for me too. He is not perfect but I don’t want him to be- I can say that with confidence now because of the realization a few months ago and I feel better- I am moving in with him soon and I’m really excited about it. I guess because I shied away and was not myself at the time it and the obsessing about liking someone else whilst being in a relationship and being worried it has engrained itself into my head. Is there anyone else that can offer advice or has been in something similar.

I think I have covered everything but if you need anymore information let me know.

* Also Witht he guy I'm with We always talk about kids and marriage and I don't want the thought of this other dug in my head on my wedding day someday- I don't wanna think about him on my special day- being with my guy and talking about kids and the future is always right and feels good.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, michelle666, and welcome! Remember, as you say, that no one is perfect. And I think marriage vows should be taken seriously. What you seem to be describing seems more like lust or some gut attraction to these other people. It will be important to make sure you can be satisfied with one person if you do marry. My two cents' worth anyway. Maybe you can talk to a therapist about this concern of yours and what to do if it does happen.

[michelle666]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi, michelle666, and welcome! Remember, as you say, that no one is perfect. And I think marriage vows should be taken seriously. What you seem to be describing seems more like lust or some gut attraction to these other people. It will be important to make sure you can be satisfied with one person if you do marry. My two cents' worth anyway. Maybe you can talk to a therapist about this concern of yours and what to do if it does happen.

Thanks for getting back to me! I think it is maybe gut attraction to other people :/ I know My man is the one so I guess i just worry that if we did ever get married or on our 1st anniversary I would think of the other guy because I know I'm not supposed to- It used to happen a lot but as I spend more time with him and fall more in love it happens less . I guess I wish I could erase the other guy from my brain almost as if I'd have never met him- Makes me feel uncomfortable but I just think of my guy and reassure myself and I feel better. I am getting CBT so maybe that will help. If i'm honest I'd be happy with my man for the rest of my life - But i realise that rushing is in not the way forward for marriage at least- We are moving in together soon. Thanks for the hug too. !

*I guess sometime i get overwhelmed with emotion and think that maybe I am better suited to this other guy- that I would have something deeper with him. That's the part i think that really hurts- It used to drive me insane but one day I woke up and came to the realisation that i would never know,i don't want to know and He isn't. It was hard going to uni and having a new relationship which was maybe why i felt something that used to not go away, but when I spent more time and spending more time with him I woke up one day and felt more in love and head over heels with my boyfriend- A connection in a deeper different way. Someone that also has problems as he does and puts up with my crazy and my problems and my feelings, makes me laughs and get me and just being him is the one for me. He wins and I love him for that.

**Or maybe I think that i'm an evil ***** for that fact that i wanted to pursue something with another person when this man gave me himself and still does. Or that maybe there is still something in there but like I said I want to be with my boy for the rest of my life- he is part of me now <3. You can see my predicament- I can't stop but it was worse a few months ago. I guess an important thing would be that I get on with it, I'm a little more secure :/.
Also Can i have some help with this choice- I told him i was on this site but said I didn't post anything- i just read other peoples . I feel guilty and think maybe i should tell him the truth.

[ChipperMonkey]

Have you been diagnosed with a personality disorder? That is my first guess, based on the impulsiveness and self harm. But, of course, I don't know if you have enough other traits to be diagnosed, but yes, you do write about having traits of a personality disorder.

[michelle666]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Have you been diagnosed with a personality disorder? That is my first guess, based on the impulsiveness and self harm. But, of course, I don't know if you have enough other traits to be diagnosed, but yes, you do write about having traits of a personality disorder.

No i have never been diagnosed but I have a doctors appointment to discuss OCD traits in terms of thoughts, but I have never been diagnosed with personality disorder :/. Thank you though for the heads up- I might mention it and see if they can help me with diagnosing something or if they can help me at all. I know people can't diagnose online but every little helps.

[michelle666]

Thank you ChipperMonkey, As you do I googled BDP . I don't wanna sound like every other person but I will be bringing this up with the doctor because I have done a little research into it and I am one of those people that other will probably not expect that i could have something like this wrong with me and to an extent i do too- i think it would be just all in my head but i think I do display and fit very we'll with the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[healingme4me]

Just don't be surprised if you don't get the label for it, typically tough to get insurance coverage, yet, armed with knowledge, you can focus on your therapy skills with this in mind.

[lilypup]

It sounds to me like you have a lot going on in your head besides your current boyfriend. Is he okay with you being bi? Does he know you still think quite a bit about this other guy? I don't think you are ready at all for marriage if you are still having thoughts about other people. Please be careful. Your mental health is important.

[michelle666]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Just don't be surprised if you don't get the label for it, typically tough to get insurance coverage, yet, armed with knowledge, you can focus on your therapy skills with this in mind.

He knows I am bi and he really doesn't care, In fact Id go so far as to say he likes it. I live in a place where I don't need health insurance so It shouldn't be a problem. No he doesn't know but Ive told him before that I have a few months ago. I don't tell him because I can't take hurting him anymore and i don't want to think about that but i think where i have gone through a 'truamotional' time it just sticks with me i guess :/- I have no want in my mind for him because I'm already in a committed relationship and I couldn't and more importantly don't want my life without him. That doesn't mean to say i think he is perfect- i'm not that delusional (or maybe i am who knows). But i know i can and will get over it

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by michelle666

I
But a few months ago I went on a uni trip and All of a sudden I felt a connection with someone because they liked politics and dogs (I used to love politics but I shied away because of this and now I don’t care and I’m ok with that). After a few months of toil and not being able to stop thinking about it (I did tell me boyfriend at the time and we almost broke up and I have told him once whilst I was drunk) I sort of got over it (that’s what happens with me). I obsess over it for a good long time and sort of get over it but this connection wouldn’t go away and still appears a lot during my day.

Hello Michelle: I had a similar "event" when working at an out of town gig (musician) where I became infatuated with a woman that I never even got to know! Somehow, I've been led to this site: Attachment Disorder Site - providing hope and support.
- which has helped me understand what happened to me and why. In your case, therapy might help to deal with this IF it applies to you.

But I still have incredibly horrific days :/. My feelings for that guy I know are not real- but in my head it will not go away.

My "obsessions" went away and have stayed away because I kept telling my self that I am a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN now and that I made that same mistake in my previous marriage so that gave me the power and a good reason to resist my Attachment Disorder thing. Having some psychological understandings also helped me see that I was having some kind of childhood reaction to the other woman even if I did not know exactly what it was so that kept me faithful to my wife.

Is there anyone else that can offer advice or has been in something similar.

If I ever thought that I am a victim of Attachment Disorder, I would definitely see a professional about it but I feel pretty safe now that I know what happened to me up there and have some powerful coping skills to deal with any more outbreaks of this pattern that obviously came from a bad childhood, in my case. But if I ever found myself back in the grips of such an obsession, I'd go looking for help ASAP rather than let in ruin my wonderful marriage to a wonderful person. These mental/emotional afflictions need to be exposed and understood as much as possible even if our culture keeps on trying to ignore and DENY their devastating effects.
good luck and best wishes on your wedding,
jim

[michelle666]

(Everyone and Jim)

Wow! thank you for your reply. I hope everything worked ok in your situation- did you tell your wife. It does sound similar so it makes me feel better knowing there is someone out there who is willing to talk about the same thing with me. I will deffinatley be getting help whether it is an attachment disorder (i'll take a look at the website thanks) or whether it could be a personality disorder or whatever I feel could be wrong and what the doctors thinks. I didn't know how good forums could be until now.

Thanks !

[michelle666]

So I went to the doctors- They said it sounded like i was going through a 'tough time' and that i was doing the right thing by seeking help through CBT.... Wonderful

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by michelle666

So I went to the doctors- They said it sounded like i was going through a 'tough time' and that i was doing the right thing by seeking help through CBT.... Wonderful

The wonderful reads to me, of a sense of disappointment?

Seems like you had a different set of expectations from going to the doctor? What didn't they do, that you wanted to see happen?

[michelle666]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

The wonderful reads to me, of a sense of disappointment?

Seems like you had a different set of expectations from going to the doctor? What didn't they do, that you wanted to see happen?

Yeah I guess i think I did have a different opinion- I guess i expected something more than -You're doing the right thing... :/

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by michelle666

Yeah I guess i think I did have a different opinion- I guess i expected something more than -You're doing the right thing... :/

My take? Because you are proactively seeking counseling, not getting the label could be a favor to you, in work, life, insurance, etc.

Or, symptoms overlap? It's about minding behavior over labels, anyhow, imo.

Would you not receive the same treatment? Need to do the same self work? Educate yourself? If needing medication, speak with a pdoc?

[michelle666]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

My take? Because you are proactively seeking counseling, not getting the label could be a favor to you, in work, life, insurance, etc.

Or, symptoms overlap? It's about minding behavior over labels, anyhow, imo.

Would you not receive the same treatment? Need to do the same self work? Educate yourself? If needing medication, speak with a pdoc?

I guess that is a good point. Putting a label on something, having something 100% fulfilled, going all in- things like that have always been something i strived for so it puts me in ones of those situations where i have to know for sure.
I guess if i had a problem it would make myself feel better- being able to deal with this better.

[michelle666]

So It's getting to the point where I can't be romantic with my boyfriend (e.g. look at the moon together) because I'm afraid that when i do I know I'll think of the other guy- not that i want it to be him but just knowing that I'm not supposed to and then bam it happens. That doesn't mean to say i don't have romantic moments with him because I do- I just take them in my own context and feel them . I feel like a C U NEXT TUESDAY because he loves me with all his heart and it hurts my heart when this happen because i want to get lost in the moment and turn off- but i can't. Then i mentally hurt myself and i mean chopping off limbs, slicing my head head of or drilling into my brain and psychically removing the thought. I honestly don't know what to do- I'm happy with my life and this is the only thing that is preventing me from being 100% happy. I couldn't imagine life without my happy smiley man Jack. It is literally ripping my heart out at the moment- I just think what it the point of living if this is what life will be like. But i have to believe that the point of living and trying to get over this is that one day I will be happy 100% with my man which is the ONLY thing that keepe me going. Anybody tell me things get better.. Please