[bertieb]

My sister has no job and no money. She's 47 and keeps getting fired. She says she's applied everywhere and can't get hired. She's about to lose her car. I've paid her utilities the last 2 or 3 months and sent her cash. She lives rent free in our parents house we inherited but she let her dog destroy it and it's going to cost 15,000 to get it in shape to sell, due to dog and her neglect. She agreed to sell it and that she couldn't manage it on her own. I've persuaded her to sign up for public housing but who knows how long that will take. It's not fair to my husband and children that I keep supporting her but she doesn't see it that way. She says family and friends are supposed to take care of people in need. I've spent several thousand dollars on her the last few years and only have it because it was supposed to be my share after my mom's death. Basically she is getting my share, not me or my kids. I see no end to her draining me but don't know how to stop it. How do you abandon your sister like that? I'm having panic attacks and other anxiety illnesses over this. What do you say to someone that expects people to help them?

[monkeybrains21]

she needs to hit rock bottom and u need to allow that. she doesnt have a chance at getting better unless she realizes it herself. u have to seperate urself and ur family from her as much as possible even though it hurts.

my mother and sister expect me to always be there for them bu they are never there for me so i just cut them off. if they call or text i ignore and erase. i cant let them keep doing it to me it keeps pushing me to SI and SUI.

[hvert]

You tell her that you can no longer help her.

I have no idea what you do with the house - it seems like that is too big to just write off and let her live there, wrecking the place. Who is the trustee in charge of the estate? If there isn't one, maybe you could hire a lawyer to start taking care of these things. If the lawyer works for the estate, then the money to pay him/her would be taken out of both your shares, not just yours. Maybe they could start taking rent out of your sister's share as well -- and include the money you've spent to pay bills to ensure the place remains salable.

I am not sure how you can stay on good terms with someone who expects you to bail them out on a regular basis. I'm sorry you are stuck with that no-win situation.

[bertieb]

Your right, I sent her money a couple of days ago and now she is on Facebook talking about what she is cooking for dinner so I guess the internet is the first bill she paid. I didn't expect the money to be used for that of course. I'm the Executor and everything is settled really as far as the estate.She has no "share" left, all she has is the half of the house. That's why she can't move out, she has no money and nowhere to go unless we sell it. Just a mess I've gotten myself into and she knows I'm too soft to abandon her. I'm hoping to get it in my head it's ok to do so but it's just hard to do.

Originally Posted by hvert

You tell her that you can no longer help her.

I have no idea what you do with the house - it seems like that is too big to just write off and let her live there, wrecking the place. Who is the trustee in charge of the estate? If there isn't one, maybe you could hire a lawyer to start taking care of these things. If the lawyer works for the estate, then the money to pay him/her would be taken out of both your shares, not just yours. Maybe they could start taking rent out of your sister's share as well -- and include the money you've spent to pay bills to ensure the place remains salable.

I am not sure how you can stay on good terms with someone who expects you to bail them out on a regular basis. I'm sorry you are stuck with that no-win situation.

[Agentfyre]

There's a real difference in semantics or wording here as well that can help (sorry, sometimes I get ultra technical). You said that you don't want to abandon your sister, but that's not true. She's abandoning herself. You cannot allow her to suck you into her self-destruction. In the end, you're really hurting her more than you're helping her.

it's known as enabling. Every time you give her money, it destroys her by allowing her to not find ways of supporting herself. Every day you allow her to live rent free it's killing her because she isn't learning how to take care of herself. Instead of allowing her learning moments to teach independence, when you help her out it tells her that it's acceptable for her to be dependent on you.

That's all fine if you want her to never be independent. But if you really want her to have her own life, you have to set up boundaries so she can't lean on yours instead. If you teach yourself to see how your "helping" her is really killing her, it helps in gaining motivation to set those boundaries.

I hope this helps, although I'm sorry if it was too blunt.

[nicoleflynn]

Think about this......if you weren't around, what would she do? She is manipulating you. She is living rent free, so she has a place to live. It needs to stop. If she sees you will no longer give her money, etc., she will find a way to live. She is 47; time to grow up and be responsible...that is HER job; not yours. ...You have already sacrificed and given her so much. ONly you can decide to make this stop. She will never be responsible as long as you are giving her things.

[Trippin2.0]

How does that saying go?

Give a man a fish and he has food for the day, teach a man to fish and he has food for life...(?)

Idk, I'm sure I remembered that wrong, but the message is the same nonetheless.

This enabling has to come to an end... stop giving her fish so she can make the effort to go catch her own.

Abandoning and refusing to enable are two very different things.

If your sister was helpless and UNABLE to sustain herself, then I can see how your refusal to ASSIST her would be seen as abandonment.

At the moment you're TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for a completely ABLE person who is simply REFUSING to take care of herself because she knows you will do it FOR her.

Yes friends and family are there to help us in our time of need. But you're doing faaaaar more than help and she is in a perpetual state of self-inflicted need.

Cut that shyt out Seriously

How do you stop?

You accept and communicate the fact that you are UNABLE to carry her dead weight because you simply cannot afford to do so ny longer.

Just like she can't afford her bills, neither can you. Difference is, she's responsible for hers while you are not.

So they're her problem, not yours.

She's a grown woman, time for her to sink or swim, and trust me, once the water gets too deep, her self-preservation will kick in and she'll swim. Orrrr she'll find someone else to leech off of.

Once you've communicated (out of sheer courtesy and not because you owe her an explanation) that you will no longer be paying her bills, refrain from bringing up the topic again. For example don't reply to a text or email regarding money, simply delete it. Case closed. She will eventually get the message.

Stop allowing her to use you.
Sister or no, its just plain WRONG...

Take care

[hvert]

She is asking far too much of you. Yes, you are family, but that does not mean that you owe her a living. She has no reason or motivation to find an apartment or a job if she knows that she has you to pay her way for her.

If you stop giving in to her, she will move on to someone else who will pay her bills or she will start to take her situation seriously. You can support her by helping her apply for housing without giving her any money to pay her bills.

You are not abandoning her when you are taking care of her own family. If she wants to say that family is required to help family, why doesn't she list out all she has done to help your family? Does she babysit? Does she come cook and clean for you while you are busy taking care of your kids or at work or whatever?

She is being ridiculous and she knows it - she is bullying you into giving her what she wants. She'll say whatever works.

[dedicated]

bertieb, I understand how you feel. It's really hard to not entertain the feeling of guilt, I had been there. I felt so bad when I can't or not able to help specially financially but I felt terribly worst when I realized I was used. Someone advised me these:
-the giver has to set the limits because the taker doesn't have limits
-you can only do so much (you can't do everything)

save your money for your kids, they deserve it!

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by bertieb

How do you abandon your sister like that? What do you say to someone that expects people to help them?

I'd tell such an irresponsible person that, since she is abandoning me and everybody else with her irresponsible behavior over the house, etc., that it's all over - starting right now! I sure wouldn't let some abstract cliche like: "It's my obligation to support an irresponsible family member." to govern my COMMON SENSE! I'd tell her "Sorry sis, but my family needs my share of the money just as much as you and they COME FIRST!" I'd let such a loser sink or swim and stick by my own kids and spouse!
jim

[-jimi-]

I have noticed people usually think everyone can straighten up. People told me to cut my friend off so she would hit rock bottom and learn. Problem is, some people actually don't leach because they are leaches, some do because their being dependent is founded in them being unable to make good decisions. Everyone is not capable. I know that is a non PC to say because we're supposed to be the exact same IQ and self care skills. Some people plain don't learn even after making very serious and sometimes life threatening mistakes over and over.

I think it is important to find out if she is actually being enabled, meaning she can do it on her own, or if she is actually unable of taking care of herself. If she is unable to take care of herself there might be some assistance to get.

Either case she can't live off other family members, but what the root is pretty much dictates how to deal with it. IMO at least.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I have something that I think will be useful. I feel a little similar if you just replace sister with almost ex-husband. I told my T about my pity for my H. His reply was "Compassion is essential here." So I look up the difference between compassion and pity. This is what I found,
http://www.sriprembaba.org/en/differ...ssion-and-pity

" When you feel pity, you don’t really see the other person nor do you respect them. You are not interested in the other person; you just want to be relieved of your own problem because the other person’s suffering is making you uncomfortable.”

" If you love the beggars on the street, put yourself in their place and you will see that giving them money won’t help them. In some cases it might indeed help, but in most cases you are only participating in the habit of begging and the illusion of impotence, amongst other fantasies that keep people in these conditions.
If love is overflowing from your heart and if you really care about the other person, find a way for them to stand on their own two feet. Compassion is selfless.”

[~Christina]

I think she needs a big wake up call and only you can make that happen. Its not heartless. Its teaching her that she needs to get her head wrapped around the fact that she needs to take care of herself. Yes forcing the issues is going to be hard for you but what are your options ?

Be strong you have a husband and your children come first.

[hannabee]

I wish I had taken all of the money I gave my freeloading mother, who also thought I should take care of her. Abusive mother I should add. And you know what I would spend it on? MY daughters student DEBT!!
You have others that need your resources and you have done enough. She is your sister NOT your child or parent. She needs to stand on her own two feet. Get that house SOLD or rented to someone who will PAY THEIR RENT and then your sister will have some money for a fresh start when you tell her you are done!

[healingme4me]

If you feel obligated to help, and cannot bring yourself to cut her off, then directly pay the bill. Give giftcards instead of cash.

Your immediate family needs to come first, however.

[doyoutrustme]

Tell her you wish you could help, but you simply don't have the extra cash right now. If she is truly unable to care for herself, then help her through a mental disability process along with public housing. I agree, stop enabling.

[Maria38Divine]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

I have noticed people usually think everyone can straighten up. People told me to cut my friend off so she would hit rock bottom and learn. Problem is, some people actually don't leach because they are leaches, some do because their being dependent is founded in them being unable to make good decisions. Everyone is not capable. I know that is a non PC to say because we're supposed to be the exact same IQ and self care skills. Some people plain don't learn even after making very serious and sometimes life threatening mistakes over and over.
.

I have to agree with Jimi here.

Bertieb, you should know your sister best. If you are not too clear about what's driving her actions, sit and talk with her alone. If you don't think you can handle this conversation then ask someone, who you trust, to intervene for you. I believe, if you understand what's driving her behaviour and why she's unable to keep a job then you'll be able to decide how best to resolve this issue. You also know your financial capabilities. Tell her (with as much compassion as you can) that you are no longer able to support her and you both need to find a way for her to re-gain her independence quickly. Once you agree on a plan of action then help her stick to her end of the deal, if needs be. I understand your dilemma. It's difficult to leave your flesh and blood "out in the cold". But I hope, this situation can be resolved in a way that leaves everyone on good terms. Best of luck.