Avoiding a brother's 50th birthday

Some time ago my brother told me about his plans (steered by his girlfriend) to have a 50th birthday bash. From the beginning I was hesitant to say yes, because our relationship is competitive, although he doesn't see it, and frankly I'm a bit jealous (I'll be 60 next year and never have big parties!) I also think he has a touch of narcissism. This is the slightest bit irritating. He's invited family members including my elderly dad who I've managed to reconcile with over the years, and an old friend of his who I'm not comfortable with - in short it will probably be fun but I'll be burying old feelings to get through it. Many complications: a) he's a 6 hour travel time from us, and I'd be bringing my 11 year old with me just to spend some time with cousins - round trip, down on Saturday and up on Sunday. b) I want to go to the big climate march the next day, and consider this a very important event for my daughter. c) for all I know he'll be announcing an engagement to his girlfriend, although this is pure conjecture. I've never been married. This would be crushing for me. I did tell him that I had the climate march, a couple of weeks ago, and he forgot the conversation! Would love any kind of feedback on this one. I promised to give him my answer tomorrow evening (today is 9/6.) Thanks! confused, waffling and pissed off even to be in this situation.

IMHO your daughter's climate march should come first unless she specifically states that she would rather visit her cousins, uncle... so if you can't make your schedule work than the climate march wins.

Make sure you phone your brother on his birthday though!

If you don't want to attend the big bash, there's a way to go about it graciously.

You could send him a birthday card to arrive in advance, one that's pleasant (i.e. no sarcastic messages even if you feel sarcastic) and write a short note wishing him well. You could also give your dad a heads-up a day in advance, saying you won't be there , perhaps by mail if he's an argumentative sort.

If your brother announces his engagement, it would be a lovely gesture to put your own hurt feelings aside in order to send a card addressed to both of them, congratulating him and wishing her a happy future.

I avoid family get-togethers. But I find it helps me feel better about myself in the long run if I can go through the motions of graciousness. It really is all right to not attend functions you know will be a pain in your neck. I've found that if I pay attention to some of the polite details I no longer get pressured to explain myself to relatives who might not understand my actions.

I wish you a happy future, too, and hope you can find a way to do what's best for yourself. Good luck and take care.

It sounds like you don't want to go. Since it's 6 hours of travel each way, it's not weird at all to decline. You don't have to get into any details about why you aren't going - just tell him that you can't make it and hope it goes well.

Also, I would not take his desire for a 50th birthday party personally -- he may like this kind of thing, even though you are not interested. It may be something everyone in his social circle does. I don't think it is an attempt to hurt you or one-up you.

I wouldn't go!
jim