[Soul_Flower43]

Never good enough! Now, I know why...

After reading up on, what is a Narcissistic parent and how they act... my finding, that this describes my Mother perfectly! Now, I understand why my childhood was extremely difficult, abusive, and so painful. And finding my father was, and still is the Enabler. And finding why my brother and I's relationship, isn't existing and never was healthy. My brother was the "Golden Child," and I was the "Scapegoat Child."

[IrisBloom]

My experience was much the same, tho my parents were divorced and us kids lived with our dad. I was always the "bad" one, tho I never did understand what I did that was so bad. My sister was the one who did no wrong. I'm in my 50s now and I have tried to put the past behind me. Even tho my parents harmed me, I still love them. And my sister and I now have a good relationship.

My advice to you would be if you can put distance between you and your parents/brother, do it as much as you are comfortable with. Don't feel guilty about it as your first priority is to take care of you. Things will probably change as time goes on, but always ALWAYS put your mental and physical health first.

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

My experience was much the same, tho my parents were divorced and us kids lived with our dad. I was always the "bad" one, tho I never did understand what I did that was so bad. My sister was the one who did no wrong. I'm in my 50s now and I have tried to put the past behind me. Even tho my parents harmed me, I still love them. And my sister and I now have a good relationship.

My advice to you would be if you can put distance between you and your parents/brother, do it as much as you are comfortable with. Don't feel guilty about it as your first priority is to take care of you. Things will probably change as time goes on, but always ALWAYS put your mental and physical health first.

Thank you for this, IrisBloom! That's what I carry inside me... guilt! Big time, guilt! I also feel VERY painfully sad, knowing the fact, that I've never had healthy-minded parents who loved and cared about me, and for my well-being. It hurts a lot knowing I have a Mother who couldn't stand the sight of me, and wanted to make me pay for her pain, her failures, and her misery. It hurts to see my only sibling gang up against me, to hurt me, just to please her. She loves it when she witnesses people hurting my feelings. I see the smirk on her face. Her eyes bothers me the most! She looks me up and down with such disgust and verbalizes what she sees. One of her favourite things to say to me (while infront of my brother and father)was, "Go to your Cave, Troll! No one wants to see your "UGLY" face!"

She loved to tell me how...

Ugly my face was.

Stupid I was.

I was a loser.

An idiot.

Fat I was.

Pathetic I was.

Unattractive I was.

Ugly my body was, especially my legs.

She loved to "COMPARE" the hell out of me with others', especially with one of my cousins she felt was so much better than me. This, made me "hate" and feel "envious" of my cousin.

Oh, so much self image/worth/esteem damage!

She shattered my whole-being to pieces when I was growing up, never feeling good enough in her eyes. Always a loser to her! I had to listen to her "BRAG" about others' she seemed to like. My brother though, was the one I had to listen to about all my life, how "SPECIAL" he really is. She compared me to him all the time. He WAS good enough, I WASN'T good enough.

It was a living hell living with that family while growing up!!

Now, since, I am adult, and have my own family, I have finally estranged myself from her, and my father. Oh, and SHE HATES THAT TOO. She now has to find someone else to vent out on... oh yeah, my father is the second-in-line in being her "scapegoat."

[lilypup]

So sorry to hear about your childhood. I think many of us on here have experienced similar things. Hugs!

[Soul_Flower43]

(Needing to vent out a little here...)

She, my Mother hated to hear about anything going well, or good in my life. She had to sabotage it, or make me feel bad about it. Ruin the moment of goodness because it wasn't about her, or her special ones.

On my wedding day...

She was awful!

Later on... she told me, my wedding was a "Joke!" And that my brother's wedding was a "Real" wedding. She went on to say, my wedding was an embarrassment.

When I look back on my wedding... it hurts, and makes me angry what she did, acted, and said to me. I try to look at the good memories about that day... but what she said comes to mind, and that destroys the good memory.

It something, like everything else, I am working on to overcome these ill feelings.

What is the effect if one of your parents is narcissistic and you are an only child? I think this might be my case . I don't have a sibling to "measure" myself against.

[Mikeyboy]

Very sorry you had such a painful childhood. My father was a monster and would say a lot of similar things. I cannot fathom how a parent could say things like that to their own child, but tragically some do. Hope you can find some peace and closure.

[Fuzzybear]

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Soul_Flower43

And finding why my brother and I's relationship, isn't existing and never was healthy.

I feel for your childhood damages by those hopelessly ignorant, destructive parents. I feel so sad that our rotten parents FAILED to allow my older brother and me to be good, respectful and LOVING friends from day one but they didn't so my brother first of all saw me as the ENEMY and then I eventually turned from loving and respecting him to become his ENEMY as well while our pathetic parents looked on with humor or INDIFFERENCE to our little toddler skirmishes! Has your brother ever realized that BAD parenting caused his bad attitudes towards you?
IMO, bad parenting is the CURSE of the world and is the underlying cause of literally ALL human misbehavior and cruelty.
God blessed the child who has adequate parents!
I'm very sorry for how you were damaged as a child and wish you much success in turning your early injuries around and maybe rebuilding a good relationship with your brother so your life will be way better from now on.
good luck,
jim - ACOA

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Mikeyboy

I cannot fathom how a parent could say things like that to their own child, but tragically some do.

IMO and experience, it comes from the previous generation and is passed along UNTIL someone has the consciousness to STOP IT! I stopped it by not having kids and by going into therapy and 12 step groups. When I saw how family mental SICKNESS is passed along, it's easy to understand why and how there is so much brutality, horror and VIOLENCE in the world. If you get a chance, read a few books by Alice Miller [google her] in which she carefully describes why and how Hitler and his pals became such horrible monsters - thanks to the horrible way they were raised!
jim

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

I feel for your childhood damages by those hopelessly ignorant, destructive parents. I feel so sad that our rotten parents FAILED to allow my older brother and me to be good, respectful and LOVING friends from day one but they didn't so my brother first of all saw me as the ENEMY and then I eventually turned from loving and respecting him to become his ENEMY as well while our pathetic parents looked on with humor or INDIFFERENCE to our little toddler skirmishes! Has your brother ever realized that BAD parenting caused his bad attitudes towards you?
IMO, bad parenting is the CURSE of the world and is the underlying cause of literally ALL human misbehavior and cruelty.
God blessed the child who has adequate parents!
I'm very sorry for how you were damaged as a child and wish you much success in turning your early injuries around and maybe rebuilding a good relationship with your brother so your life will be way better from now on.
good luck,
jim - ACOA

I'm sorry you were treated like this too Jim. No, not at all. My brother sees me as the enemy, the toxic one, not my Mother. If I say anything about the abuse, and confront my mother/parents... I'm considered a liar, and they have a complete hostile meltdown for me bringing this up. My brother gets mad, and see's me as someone who upsets the family and starts trouble. So, I don't say anything anymore.

When growing up, he was in his own bubbled world, denying any abuse he saw my mother and father do to me. But he took notice when my father treated him badly. But it didn't last for long because my mother would punish my father for going after the wrong child. So my father learnt quick who to blame and go after if she was around.

[Alone & confused]

My heart is in my stomach, & my jaw is on the floor! There are no words......I am SO SORRY! As a mother myself, I WILL NEVER understand how any parent or anyone, for that matter, could treat children so horribly!! It sickens me to my soul every single time I hear things like this! I don't even know what more to say right now. These kinds of stories always leave me wishing I could have known & protected all of you who had to go through this!

[IrisBloom]

I have 4 kids and 9 grandkids and I love them all the same. I tried never ever to make one feel inferior to the others. I wasn't a perfect parent, but I made sure they knew they were loved and important to me. I can't imagine a woman treating any child like that let alone their own offspring. Surely that is a mental illness it's self. I'm sorry you have suffered so much, Soul Flower. Hopefully now that you understand you can heal and have a happy life.

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

IMO and experience, it comes from the previous generation and is passed along UNTIL someone has the consciousness to STOP IT! I stopped it by not having kids and by going into therapy and 12 step groups. When I saw how family mental SICKNESS is passed along, it's easy to understand why and how there is so much brutality, horror and VIOLENCE in the world. If you get a chance, read a few books by Alice Miller [google her] in which she carefully describes why and how Hitler and his pals became such horrible monsters - thanks to the horrible way they were raised!
jim

So true!!! Childhood is the place where it all happens.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

What is the effect if one of your parents is narcissistic and you are an only child? I think this might be my case . I don't have a sibling to "measure" myself against.

It becomes a case of vicarious living. This is where adult child work comes in handy through your journey. Need not be the oa aspect, as much as the dysfunction aspect.
Sometimes they the parent with narcissistic tendencies will attach a real or imagined pain to one or more of the children. If there's a blow to the ego, watch out, there's hades to be paid.
Acoa's oft overcompensate in future relationships. A pattern is formed.
One thing I learned, there's a near or full blown manipulation of the parent being uncompromising. Through anger or tears. Gets submission. Then future pattern leads to being walked all over, so to speak. Creates also inner conflict in parenting. Best to resolve before, soon during or asap[if parenting ]. Mine were in diapers when I zoomed through countless books, hours of therapy and as many meetings i could escape to.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It becomes a case of vicarious living. This is where adult child work comes in handy through your journey. Need not be the oa aspect, as much as the dysfunction aspect.
Sometimes they the parent with narcissistic tendencies will attach a real or imagined pain to one or more of the children. If there's a blow to the ego, watch out, there's hades to be paid.
Acoa's oft overcompensate in future relationships. A pattern is formed.
One thing I learned, there's a near or full blown manipulation of the parent being uncompromising. Through anger or tears. Gets submission. Then future pattern leads to being walked all over, so to speak. Creates also inner conflict in parenting. Best to resolve before, soon during or asap[if parenting ]. Mine were in diapers when I zoomed through countless books, hours of therapy and as many meetings i could escape to.

Luckily I don't have any children yet, and to be honest, I'm considering perhaps hot having any. I don't want them to have to grow up with a damaged father as they will in all likelihood then end up damaged too.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Luckily I don't have any children yet, and to be honest, I'm considering perhaps hot having any. I don't want them to have to grow up with a damaged father as they will in all likelihood then end up damaged too.

That's an unfair statement. Despite our pasts. If we show consistency with love and respect, children won't be damaged.
It's a personal choice however bringing children into this world.

Dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next.
All we can do is learn how to be healthy and break the cycle.
Unfortunately, just because we are aware and getting better, it does not mean others in our lives can or will do the same.

We cannot let others hold us back!
We are fighting for our lives. Sometimes drastic measures are necessary.
We sometimes have to let people go, NOT out of anger, but out of love for ourselves.

When we learn how to love ourselves, we learn how to love others.
To love ourselves is to value, understand and take care of ourselves.

Sometimes we have to love others from afar so we can love ourselves.

Thanks for this post, Soul Flower43

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by allforgood

Dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next.
All we can do is learn how to be healthy and break the cycle.
Unfortunately, just because we are aware and getting better, it does not mean others in our lives can or will do the same.

We cannot let others hold us back!
We are fighting for our lives. Sometimes drastic measures are necessary.
We sometimes have to let people go, NOT out of anger, but out of love for ourselves.

When we learn how to love ourselves, we learn how to love others.
To love ourselves is to value, understand and take care of ourselves.

Sometimes we have to love others from afar so we can love ourselves.

Thanks for this post, Soul Flower43

You are welcome!

Thank you for your reply, as well as everyone else who has replied, shared their thoughts, and stories. I greatly appreciate everyone's input.

[helpoooooooooo]

never wipe your parents - no one is perfect

[Soul_Flower43]

Two books I have found that I am interested in reading.

* Mothers Who Can't Love: A healing guide for daughters
by Susan Forward, PhD with Donna Frazier Glynn

Saw this book on Psych Central...

* Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Karyl McBride, PhD

[Soul_Flower43]

Read this article on Psych Central...

10 Tips for the Best Mothering & Self-Love
By DARLENE LANCER, JD, MFT

Google the title and author, to read the article

What about sons of narcissistic fathers? Just asking...

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

What about sons of narcissistic fathers? Just asking...

I'll look that up. I haven't seen anything on fathers because my mind was focused on a Narcissistic Mother. I'm sure there is good articles out there, and books too. I will take a look, and see what I come up with. =)

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

What about sons of narcissistic fathers? Just asking...

My Father the Narcissist: A Narcissistic Father is a Tyrant and a Bully
Written by Alexander Burgemeester on August 6, 2013

Copy and paste this link to read the article:
thenarcissisticlife.com/my-father-the-narcissist-a-narcissistic-father-is-a-ty...


Characteristics of a Narcissistic Father
(From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown)

Turns every conversation to himself

Expects you to meet his emotional needs

Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you

Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you

Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior

Expects you to jump at his every need

Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs

Has high need for attention

Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous

Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off

Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates

Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”

Engages in one-upmanship to seem important

Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming

Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him

Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best”

Seeks status. Spends money only to impress others

Forgets what you have done for him in the past but keeps reminding you that you owe him today

Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration

Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants

Does not obey the law-sees himself above the law

Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines

Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings

Tells you how you should feel or not feel

Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions

Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours

Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own

Wants to control what you do and say-tries to micromanage you

Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own

Has poor insight and cannot see the impact his selfish behavior has on you

Has shallow emotions and interests

Exploits others with lies and manipulations.

Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants

May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children

The tyrannical narcissistic father is a bully- a cruel, lying, arrogant person. He is a tyrant that is totally entrenched in his grandiose world and insistent that everyone follow his commands. He is emotionally abusive and can cause significant emotional damage to all family members. Unfortunately, his behaviors cause the relationships within a family to be toxic and can cause lifelong wounds