Never Good Enough! Now, I know why...

Here's a book you can check out...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/attac...1&d=1410569831

Wow, after reading that list on a Narcissistic father, I see my brother having traits of it.

Sun_Flower,

Firstly, I want to say I am so sorry you grew up with so much "emotional abuse" like that.

I think what helps is to understand a little better what creates a person with NPD too. One way is what you saw of your brother, a golden child that can do no wrong and is spoiled and taught to think of "self" above all others as "entitled to be adored".

However, the other way it can happen is actually through neglect and emotional abuse or abandonment too. How your mother treated you may have very well been how she was treated. She may actually be treating you like she would have liked to treat a parent or sibling who neglected or treated her badly that you may remind her of too.

I have met women like you have discribed over the years, they always made me uncomfortable and tended to pick on how I was "too" attentive with my daughter too.
Yes, it is all about what "they" want too.

There are different ways they are created though, sometimes spoiling and too much adoring of a child as with your brother creates them too. It's almost like there should be two different catagories for them.

It always helps to understand "the beast" and yes, give one's self permission to distance and it's ok to walk away and never look back too.

OE

Wow, thanks SoulFlower and OpenEyes, your posts come together for me so brilliantly in the things you say.

My dad does (well, did, not so much anymore) show those qualities. Not all of them, but quite a few. Thanks SoulFlower

And, OpenEyes, what you say about neglect also being able to do that is so true . My dad was neglected by his parents and grew up in a rather hostile home. He was not a spoilt golden child, my aunt was.

You can see the neglect-type narcissist, because they are not charming and charismatic like the golden-child one. My aunt is charming.

You are welcome StbGuy,

People can get confused about this disorder and do not understand that narcissism can be present yet the individual can have other issues too. This disorder has challenged me a lot and instead of seeing people with strong narcissistic traits as "just evil", I have really tried to look behind their curtain to see "why". With everyone I meet, I do remember that underneath it all is a child, a child that grew up in an environment that really is a big part of who they are and often they are just products and are really not aware of anything different or make their own choices.

For example, the golden child, well, they actually "learn" from a parent to stay in the stage of "the world revolves around me" and therefore "I am special and everything I like or do is simply the best and I should be adored". But the other kind of narcissist is a child that also never developed past the stage of "the world revolves around me", because they were neglected and even abandoned and they tend to have a hard time because they really never did learn to empathize and they really do spend the rest of their life in a very selfish state of mind where other people are just objects they need to conquer and be better than somehow. So, in their world if a child doesn't please them or fit into what they think has to fit into their needs and ideal of whatever presentation is important to them, yes, that child will be treated like he/she is never good enough or just burdensome and unacceptable. However, they do not understand or see this about themselves. They genuinely do not "know" how to be caring/nurturing/comforting in a way that "see's the other person or child emotionally or empathetically". Instead, a child is "there to please "them" and they send this message to their children constantly. I have watched them do this where, for example, at a horse show they tell the child that they expect that child to win because after all that is what they are paying for. It is not in their vocabulary to tell a child to "go enjoy the competition and just learn". They do not know "how" to appreciate the learning and the effort at all when it comes to the child, instead it's a do it or "you are a failure" and are a disappointment because "My" child did not shine above all others. It is actually (for me anyway) very upsetting to watch and see the child competing not really to learn and embrace that moment, but to supply the parent with their "narcissistic high".

What has really "upset" me about society today is how the parents just drop their children off at daycares because after all, life is about the "parent" and their "career". Children that grow up with "privilage" are often just fixtures that are raised by a nanny.

I have met so many people that are so emotionally confused by their parent, and even siblings that fall into "pleasing the parent and life is ok" and the child that doesn't seem to "please" the parent is in fact the bad child. It is not unusual to see what is considered the "bad child" to be the only one in a family unit that actually "has empathy" too. However, this child also suffers greatly because they really feel they can never measure up and that their "needs are wrong and they should feel shame if they need caring/comforting/approval at all". Family to them is "genuinely deep emotional turmoil" and they always feel isolated and very "alone" and tend to "self blame" for it too. Time and again I have met these "troubled and suffering" individuals that talk of how their family constantly "criticizes them and gossips about them and continues to remind them of how unacceptable they are". What is so sad to me is how in reality, this individual "is" actually better than and more caring than their other family members.

So many children are raised in environments that really are not nurturing to them and at the same time they are taught to "present" this picture to society that makes it "look like" their family is "politically correct" and to "never tell others any of the family secrets" either. What happens is that when that child becomes a "struggling adult", they really believe that whatever isn't perfect or whatever they struggle with "should never be discussed or told because they will be judged badly".

Time and again, I have read post after post of how a person who is really struggling has a horrible time "trusting and talking to a therapist" about their emotional challenges and history that created their enormous challenge. And one thing that I have found troubling is when a therapist or professional fails the patient, only sees their coping methods and ends up misdiagnosing that person. A struggling person suddenly has what is termed a "DISORDER", and often what takes place in their mind is, "my family is right there really "is" something wrong and unworthy about me". I THINK THAT IS SAD, I THINK THAT IS SO SAD IT PAINS ME DEEPLY EVERYTIME I "LISTEN" TO SOMEONE'S STORY. And what I also see that is sad and upsetting is how "no one really knows how to tell the truth and so few people actually trust and believe either". And I think it is also "sad" that so many people need to learn about "cognitive behavioral distortions" and "Dialectible Behavior distortions" and basically back peddle to try to make up for the "dysfunctional environment" they grew up in.

I had two customer's come out to my farm, one was a "neuropsychologist" and she told me that now they are studying "how emotions affect the brain". I could not help thinking that "finally" what is being expressed in all these "disorders" may actually "finally" be able to be recognized scientifically. Maybe, finally, it will be recognized that as a society there is a tremendous need to educate parents about "childhood development" so they stop messing up so many children because they really have no idea "how to actually parent and nurture their child". Then, I had a doctor of child psychology come to my farm and show me what she did not know "how" to do with a child because all she did know how to do was basically "bark orders". When I showed her what I know as "basic" without all the other teachings about different "disorders", she really did see something "different take place" where the child was actually "paying attention and engaging". It is "not" really "rocket science" and for the life of me, I do not know "why" what is so very basic is not "understood".

I am truly "sorry" for anyone that suffers because they simply were not "nurtured" correctly, and I even feel "sorry" for those that never really got past "the universe revolves around me of the kind of narcissim that "hurts others". There actually "is" healthy narcissim too, learning how to "take care of self and love self" but to also see how others have needs "too".

OE

The saddest thing about narcissism is that it is becoming the "norm" today. It's actually OK and considered quite good of you to focus solely on your career and what you want. Letting someone else raise your children today is perfectly acceptable.

Thank you IrisBloom.

That is something I am going to share, and what happened to her (later on, I will). After reading, so many years on abuse, it made me believe how she became this kind of person. She was badly abused as a child, and experienced it in her teens years. She became very bitter, and didn't trust people, and was always so suspicious of them too. She wore "anger" as her protective armour so no one could hurt her again. One of her abusers was her alcoholic step-mother, and she was neglected by her alcohlic father, and abandoned and neglected by her mother.

Her step-mother, a raging abusive narcissistic alcoholic, is my father's sister. So I have similar eyes as her step-mother's.

Her father, drank a lot, ignored her, and didn't do anything to stop the abuse. He was the enabler.

Her mother, abandoned her at the age of 6, gave her up to her (estranged)father and his abusive wife. Never seen her again, until she was the age of 13 when she moved acrossed the country to live with her mother, and her new family. This made her bitterness and resentment, turn to hate towards her mother and her new family. She struggled to get along with them. Her and her mother fought, and she ended up moving back to where her father lived. Later on, she married my father at the age of 20. My father had her step-mother's eyes as well. So she took a lot of her anger out on him, to punish him, for what his sister did to her. My father felt guilty, so he just took it, and enabled it. Just like he allowed and enabled her to abuse me. My brother looks more like her, and the people she cares about. I looked more of my father's family, who she despises.

Yes StbGuy, you are right and this is going to be a problem for so many future psychologists/psychiatrists to deal with in these generations. This is going to be a problem in "all classes" of people too. However, in certain situations it is better for a child to be with a professional in a structure than be around a mother who provides no real quality attention.

There are also some dangerous red flags aready taking place in our society too as children are becoming much more violent and "entitled" and "angry". They are bringing guns to school and acting out deadly fantasies as well as
playing more violent dare games like the knock out game, setting themselves on fire and breaking into people's homes etc. Even young teachers are not grown ups anymore and they are actually dating their students sometimes, it's all because they really never grew up. Oh, I could go on and on really.

Ooops... sorry, I ment to write OpenEyes.

This history of your mother that you are describing is just awful. Her treatment towards you is most likely how she was treated where she was emotionally abused and clearly was abandoned. What can also happen is these people that raised her/ housed her may have told her their abuse was love too.

Remember, people with NPD are not born that way, they are definitely created to become that way from how they are raised. They don't really "know" they have NPD either, all they know is it is how they survive.

What I have noticed is they typically pick on the child that is the same sex they are too. They even consider it a threat/competition and as in your case she had both males enabling her to put you down and make sure no one else adored you or cared about you. It is better for you if you keep your distance from her nest where she prefers to have her two males doating on her and feels threatened when you are around.

I have seen people do things I could never understand. I have talked about a neighborhood I lived in where other women acted very strange towards me and they did not even know me. I thought they were the rudest people I had ever met and I grew to hate that neighborhood and felt it was very unfriendly. I wish I had a better understanding of "why" these women were like that too so it did not upset me so much.
Bullies are narcissistic too, it's all anger = fear based. What always surprised me is how they tend to develope a group of "enabelers" around them too. That is what really got me because I could not understand how their enablers would chip in and be mean to another person without recognizing how wrong it is. Yes, it does bother them to see their victim do well or thrive too.

Just understanding or learning about it is helpful but it's hard to emotionally heal from it. Surprisingly, there is a lot of this taking place in society so it is a problem that happens a lot. There is definitely a lot of it in the political atmosphere too.

Thank you