Why do I try to be nice????

I really need to stop doing this to myself!

I secured a hard to get lodging reservation for a three day event this weekend. I was really surprised I lucked into it. I knew that my mother probably wanted to go as well, so I told her she could share. To be honest, I thought she would be working. I assumed if she did want to share, it would just be for one night.

Well, she's NOT working. She wants to go ALL of the days. I am so irritated with myself for offering this. She drives me crazy if I am around her for more than an hour or so. I was really looking forward to this event, but now I am stressed out because I have this specter of her hanging over my head. She's already annoying me with text messages.

I am going to try not to let her get to me, but I really just can't stand her lately. She is very passive aggressive/annoying/martyr-like.

Ugh ! Doesnt it always seem when you offer and think the person is too busy to go and then they actually go... Is there a way to go off and be busy doing something you enjoy doing ? without her?

Im really sorry that it just happened this way.. Next time just dont offer it to her or make damn sure she will be working.

Regardless try to have an enjoyable time

Im sorry

If it's a 3 day event there should be enough activities to keep yourself busy that you won't have to spend much time with her at all.....make it clear that she needs to go & do her own thing because that is what you are going to be doing & that your weekend together is for lodging purposes only.

Sometimes it seems like no good deed goes unpunished! Bless your heart! I'm having one of those days too! I almost got sandwiched between two cars & a semi on the freeway, trying to do something for my bf, tried to get my sons ad/hd med refilled, only to get circle-jerked between the counseling clinic & the pediatricians office, & now my grand babies are screaming, crying & fighting and I have to listen to that while I'm waiting on yet ANOTHER call from the Dr. ! GRRRRR!

Sorry but what you did wasn't trying to be nice, it was being fake. Don't offer something just bc you think the person you're asking won't be able to accept. It's downright rude. Tell her the truth that you don't want her to come and deal with the fallout of your initial lies.

InRealLife, I think you may be reading something into this that isn't there. I wasn't being fake or lying. It was a three day event. Lodging within a 30 mile radius has been booked for months. I thought she would be working two of the days. I did not expect her to come all three days. I would have been much more specific about the invitation if I had known she would take time off.

It's like inviting an out of town friend to your place for dinner when you assume they have a hotel room, having them accept, and then they let you know that they will spend the weekend with you as well-- only more complicated, because my invite was not specific enough in the first place and it's my mother.

The event was good and I managed to avoid her for most of it, but I am definitely going to remember this the next time I think I should be nice and invite her. She has become increasingly annoying/crazy over the years (and started off at a pretty high level of annoying/crazy). She has an imaginary auto-immune disease with disgusting symptoms that she likes to talk about in detail. She doesn't stop talking. She asks you a question and then interrupts to change the subject. She has strange vendettas because she takes things personally and is one of these people who always has to make things difficult because it's the 'right' thing to do (but her idea of right is pretty far out there).

She kept copying everything I did and trying to follow me around. I had to be really vague about my plans. Thank god cell service was not working well.

If I had suggestions about something she might like, she ignored them and instead chose workshops that were wholly irrelevant to her interests (and then complained about them to me). I tried to warn her the first time, but then just gave up. Let her be miserable if she wants.

At one point, she told me that she had decided to leave early and asked if I was at anything interesting. Forty minutes later I texted back to say that I was at X workshop, figuring it was safe. Five minutes after that, I get a text from her saying that she was sitting right behind me!!!!!

I think it would have been a very different experience if she had not been there. I was so drained from dealing with her during the off hours that I didn't have the energy to be very social during the event itself.

I still don't think what you did was nice. I still think your offer was fake. Yes you should have been more specific in your initial invite. Lesson learned.

I'm not sure what's fake about offering to share lodging with the assumption it would be for one night, not three, and then being disappointed when it turns out the other person wants to crash for three nights.

Oh wow... hey Hvert, sorry you got stuck with your mom for the whole weekend. My mom drives me crazy too... and has a similar way of overstaying her welcome. I had alot of drama last time my mom came to visit (she changed the weekend and didn't tell me until AFTER she bought plane tickets, and decided to stay an extra day without asking me, basically). It's stressful, and it is very crazy making. I've learned the same thing, I need to think things through and be very specific and cautious when I make plans with her. Things that she doesn't consider a big deal ("I'll just leave Monday morning!") tend to drive me crazy.

I'm glad you survived it. Yeah, and I think the lesson for next time is... always verify and be specific. Also... invite her for the *end* (i.e. the last evening, or last day of the event) so she can't decide to extend the visit

Classic case of offering your hand and the person instead grabs your whole arm.


I have a few people like that in my life too, incidentally mostly family...


A few months ago I offered a friend of mine to come and stay with me for a weekend while I house sat for my cousin, as she was needing a break from their family filled house...


To my surprize she started making plans for my entire 12 day stay!!!


I had to wiggle my way out of that one real smoothly, because it was supposed to be MY quiet time, my break from everyone and everything.


And it would've been harder to kick her out once she was already there..


So I know what you mean, you think you're being nice and then people take advantage, and just assume you're ok with it, which makes you regret being nice in the first place.


I'm getting better at boundaries though... I think long and hard about what I'm offering and to whom, and if there's only minor chance of it backfiring, only then do I go ahead.


Caught myself in the nick of time 3 times this past month!!! 😉 that's huge for me💃


Glad your weekend wasn't ruined by your mom's imposition.

Thank you both, I am glad I am not the only one with a relative like this! I can't imagine someone changing the weekend of their visit (and extending it) or a cousin who wants to stay for 12 days instead of the weekend I invited them for.

The one thing I've learned this year is that it's better to keep my mouth shut about what I am doing around my mother and a few friends, otherwise they will invite themselves or just show up. It has been a really slow learning process for me, but I am getting better at evading their questions and not inviting them in the first place.

For example, now I know that my mother only asks me about what I am doing so she can invite herself. I no longer tell her specific details about any of my plans. A casual mention that I am going to a festival for the weekend will result in her inviting herself along. I've also gotten better about saying no, thankfully.

Anyway, I think that is part of why I was so frustrated with myself. I know that if I try to include my mother in a small way, she will somehow twist it into 10x more contact than I want or some horrible, complicated endeavor-- she just did this three weeks ago when we tried to take her out for her birthday.

But, yes - I need to be very, very specific in the future.

Please don't be too hard on yourself! You're operating under normal social expectations, there's not a darn thing wrong with that. It's just that your mom is playing by a different set of rules (like my mom.) The "get away with as much as possible" set of rules

As you mentioned, yup, you need to be careful but it's really not worth making yourself feel guilty or worse over.

And... if you find any good tips for creating better boundaries (and saying "no!") please please do share! My mom is already hinting that she wants to come visit again . I am so frazzled these days, I can't even think about it. I know if she tries to be more direct, I am going to completely snap! I think that I want to tell her she's welcome to come to the city that I'm in, but the I'm really not up for visitors, so she'll need to find someplace else to stay. I'm happy to go out one night with her, take her to dinner, do something fun... but I can't deal with her moving in for the weekend. Just... no.

*hugs*

I am probably the worst when it comes to setting boundaries, especially with my mother!

My mother lives in the same town, so she can't stay with me, thankfully. If I ever moved away, I am not sure how I would get out of that one, to be honest. Ripping out walls in the guest room or throwing out the couch she sleeps on come to mind.

The less information you give someone when you say no, the better. I'm sure you've heard that before, but I've gotten better about applying it this year and it's really true, even with my mother.

I opted out of a couple of out of state family get togethers this year. I just said that I couldn't go. I didn't say why. When she asked why, I said that it didn't work for me or something equally vague. The trick is not to give them anything to hang an argument on.

I would start talking up how busy/frazzled I am, to give her the hint that a visit is unwelcome. When she does finally ask directly, tell her 'no, sorry, I can't.' When she asks why: 'I just can't right now.' If she wants to pick a date in the future: 'I can't right now.' Or suggest a date when you are willing to visit her, like a holiday your family celebrates.

I can picture offering the dinner only option to my mother - it would turn into her staying at my place all weekend. I am learning not to offer those options and compromises. When someone continually violates reasonable boundaries, when they go by the 'get away with whatever I can' rules, you can't really give them reasonable alternatives or compromises. They will not take them the way a reasonable, normal person would.

Ooh -- one other suggestion, not sure if it would work for you -- I hate it when my in-laws visit, so now we meet them in a different town. We usually camp while they stay in a hotel. It's wonderful - we are meeting on neutral turf and it's easy to walk away from someone when you are at a museum/zoo/whatever. They can't come over for dinner and then stay all night. When we get sick of them, we can go back to our camp site, no more being trapped in our own home! Maybe you could meet your mother somewhere for a weekend? And arrange to stay in a different hotel but don't tell her until you get there?