Well THAT went horribly

I decided it was time I called my mother.

Backstory: She abandoned me at birth and I met her 4 months ago and haven't spoken to her since because she triggered my PTSD hardcore and I have only just gotten the courage to call her.

She told me that she accepts me but doesn't accept any part of my life or who I am (In 10 yrs I'll look back and realise that I was being stupid by not being straight, cis, or mono). Told me that she is too old to do anything now and it's because of me. Told me that I should trust people because it is that easy to let it go and get over it and that I am being a horrible daughter by not being in touch with her more.

She asked me how she could be a good mother and I told her that she could listen and take on board what I was saying and then invalidated everything by telling me to get angry and yell at her because it was obviously what I needed, because I have so much going on in my life that I need someone to be angry at.

BLAAAARRRGH

I don't know what to do because I got NO closure out of that.
She apologised for abandoning me but doesn't know what I'm going on about with everything else she did wrong and I'm pretty sure she won't leave me alone.

I don't know how to help you. I know how you hurt, and I've been in your place. My mother was incapable of understanding what she did to my brother and myself, but she was a narcissist...empathy did not exist in her make up...it was as foreign to her as if I'd asked her to operate a camera holding no film with the idea of making a perfect photograph.

I watched my brother struggle with his disappointment that she could never admit wrong doing, that she could never have or hold ownership of her actions, some of which were so destructive to us, it's a wonder we survived, emotionally or physically. In the end, my brother gave up. In the end, I never tried.

We, both were harmed by her, but we both emerged on the other side using different paths. We are not entirely whole and there is much bruised, but we strive to be better people, and to understand her, even as she never could or would, us. Because, in order to find freedom and peace, it was better to accept that, sometimes, the evil has no malice--it is just what it does. And life has no hand book, nor score card, although we may wish it had.

I hope better for you than you feel now, and reassure you, it is possible. Understanding does not mean being overcome with past hurts, in order to dig out....order. There is none. Understanding is accepting that they are what they are....but they do not decide what you are. Only you can do that.

It is a necessity to moving on. It's what moving on offers....you simply have to accept that the path may not be strewn with promises, but will eventually, be fragrant with promise.

Keep well *hugs*

Oh wow, that sounds so painful... I'm sorry. It sounds like you only got in touch with her 4 months ago... I can imagine this is a terrible and difficult thing to thing about, but is it possible that you're better off *not* being in touch with her? She doesn't sound like she has a lot of warmth or empathy to offer you, and if interacting with her is only going to make you feel worse... ? Just a thought...

Had a father who left at age two. Got in touch with him 32 years later. He told me he left me with my mom and left because my mom was a raving b****. The kicker to all this was that his father had done the same to him. He griped and griped about this to me. I think he was just emotionally unavailable.

This post really hits home for me- my mother does mean things to me and others (my bf, random waiters, etc) and it baffles me that she doesn't feel any empathy or has understanding that her actions are hurtful to others. It's strange to me because she claims to 'feel badly' for random relatives she is not in contact with. Maybe this is part of the NPD. It's also funny because recently she has made me feel really bad about a couple of bday presents I gave her. Told me multiple times that it wasn't a good gift and when I told her to stop, she claimed she was telling me for my own good, so that I would save my money next time.

It sounds like there has been absolutely no value for you in reconnecting with her. I'm sorry it has turned out that way. It might be wise to back off and accept that you need to keep some real distance between the two of you. Maybe just make courtesy calls on holidays. I'm not sure I'ld even want to do that much. Must be real disappointing.

I am a rape survivor and my partner is a rape baby and she said that a woman was "asking for it" by walking past in fishnet stockings and a mini skirt while she was having dinner with us. It was at that point that I started to think that I didn't need her in my life.
I tried to talk to her about it and she didn't remember saying it and said that she was just telling the truth because she is allowed to voice her opinions. ugh, I can't even say half the things she said to me without a trigger warning.

The problem is there was no closure so despite me finishing the call with "I have met you, you are a horrible person and I want nothing to do with you", she just said "that's it, get angry, let your anger out. You need someone to be mad at and I'm a safe option" and then just as I was leaving to meet someone for dinner she called to say hi.

I would LOVE it if she left me alone. But she won't.

If you don't respond to her, she will eventually get sick of trying to connect with you. Doesn't sound like you are going to feel any better by seeing more of her. It's sad, but at least you tried.

I don't want to communicate with her. I am determined to hang up, not return the letters and turn her away if she decides to venture the 2 states down here. But I still want to read any letters she sends. My partner and a friend say I am punishing myself because all it will do is hurt me. But I have hope that she may come around.......

Oh geez, I'm sorry. And now she won't leave you alone? Yikes.

Can you screen your calls? Is she calling a landline, or a cell phone? I take most calls on my landline, but I have an answering machine hooked up - so I make people leave a message before I pick up. Friends get used to it, not a big deal, but it lets me avoid people I'd rather not talk to (very effectively!).

If it's a cell, can you program her number to go straight to voicemail?

And, regarding the letters... I once read an author who talked about getting all kinds of horrible threats in the mail. She dealt with it by having her partner open/read/screen the letters for her, to help minimize her anxiety. That way, *someone* can read them - and you know that if she ever *does* change/come around/become a decent human - someone will be aware and can then give you THAT letter. And... in the interim, they can screen out all the crappy hateful letters and shred them without you having to read through them.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this though... good luck dealing with her!

Ah. Glad I could read this, and now better understand what we chatted about earlier, AS.

I think it is likely not unusual in a situation such as yours, that a parent can have more unresolved issues, or more complicated unresolved issues, than the child. However, I can only imagine the shock those issues can come as.

Maybe, if you find reading her letters ultimately torturous, you can start setting them aside with the idea in mind that you can always read them later? At least for a little while, while you find some better equilibrium for yourself, establishing your own center of gravity, unfettered by her needs. It certainly sounds as though the frenetic rate at which you are now receiving these communications from her, after years of absolutely none, is causing you enough distress to warrant your fencing it in a bit.

I hope you find some peace.

You don't have any obligation to communicate with your bio mom. She gave that expectation up when she gave you up. You are free to do as much, or as little, as you choose in relating to her.

At the same time, she doesn't have any obligation to be the person you might like her to be. She is who she is. It's natural that you are curious about her. That's why you like to read the letters. If you don't respond to them, my guess is that she will eventually stop sending them. So it's up to you. I'm not sure what your friends expect you to do. You do have a right to protect yourself from emotional hurt. I would not spend time around someone who was habitually hurtful to me. Actually, I have done that, and I look back and see what a waste of time it was.

You may figure out some intermediate way that allows you to discover more about her, without getting too over-involved.

Update: She sent me a letter and I opened it with the intention of throwing it out if it started going downhill but it was just a crammed 2 page card talking about how she learnt to mend dresses so she's moved on. But I have decided that I am truly shedding myself of her. I am sending her a letter to remind her she has another daughter (cos my sister feels kinda hurt) and not to send correspondence to me, and then I am done. A controlled burn. That way my wound is clean and I can work on healing.