Ex cult member struggling with relatives still-in & realizes people use me

Hi, I'm new. A person told me to post my issues on this thread. I will try to make it short.

Grew up in a cult. A real cult. It follows the BITE model of cults. No, it's not a religion, it's a cult.

I left it completely about 14 years ago. Attended a regular church, and am now pretty much agnostic. My dad and sister are still in the cult. They do not follow the cult's rules, and speak to me. I publish and speak against the cult, they still speak to me.

But, they are super critical of me and how I am raising my family (normal, not in a cult, and teaching them shades of grey, how to analyze, think for themselves). I will not allow them to preach to my kids. I have trained my kids to not talk with these relatives. Still, I catch my father trying to preach to my oldest. She's now 13 and rips him up pretty good. I gave him hell for it, because I caught him red handed trying to indoctrinate her the last time he visited (9 months ago).

During that visit, his entire time was spent trying to indoctrinate me. But, he's don't that for the past 14 years. My relatives have sent hundreds of certified letters to my house, e-mails of cult materials, had cult members ring my door, etc. I've ignored, gotten mad, slammed doors, returned mail.

My relatives have the same pattern. First, be nice to Roberta. Engage Roberta in nostalgic small talk. Then, try to convince her that the world is going to end in a massive fire and only cult members are going to be saved. Roberta gets mad, and then they disappear. Before they do, they call me a devil worshipper, satan follower, etc. About 3 weeks later, "They're Back!"

The other thing they do is to butter me up to borrow money. Over the past 7 years, I've must have given them over $5,000. They spend more than they make and devote alot of time to the cult. So, they don't have gas money, mortgage money, money to fix a car . . . . They all hold decent, well paying, above average jobs. While i had a great career for a large part of this, I currently don't work, have two kids, and it's really my husband's money that they get. In June, I was hit up for $2,000. I told them, "No." They called me materialistic, greedy, worldly, etc. About three weeks later, the person who needed the money asked if I was going to visit during the upcoming school break! I said, "No. Got too much other stuff to do" I cut everything short with this sibling.

So, yesterday, I got several e-mails from my father about the cult. He's, once again, violating his agreement. I became extremely angry, and returned the e-mails with choice words, threats of calling the police for cyberstalking, and calling the elders in his group to admonish him. (They are supposed to leave ex-cult members alone and anyone alone who does not want to be called upon).

Afterwards, I cut them off. I blocked them from my mail server and unfriended on Facebook. Today, my father left a message on my cell phone, "I love you, Roberta." I'm sure his friendliness is part of the "butter Roberta up, then hurt her, then blame her" cycle that they use.

Anyone else ever cut off their family?

Hi, Roberta S. and welcome! I know we have had members who have said they have cut off their family. It's sad, but sometimes it's for the best. Maybe somebody who has done so will post here before too long.

I cut off my dad because of the childhood abuse I suffered. I was tired of all the extreme stress I suffered at every contact, trying to make him happy. I decided I owed him nothing. I didn't need to fill the role of perfect daughter anymore. I felt guilty at first, but eventually that went away. I no longer believe that blood is thicker than water. I belive that my own happiness and mental health is more important. take care.

I'm sorry, that sounds really unpleasant. It's too bad that your family is still so indoctrinated. I am not sure what other choice you have. You are willing to live and let live, but they are not. You are protecting yourself and your kids - it's the right choice. You recognize their pattern of behavior and are making safe, sane choices based on that.

Edit to add: I have not 100% cut off my parents, but I have extremely limited i.e. once or twice a year contact with my father and I try to limit contact with my mother. The guilt twinges are far, far easier to deal with than my parents... and I suspect that my father has 0 guilt about his own actions towards me, for what it's worth.

I am sure that your father really does love you. In his own twisted, brainwashed way, he believes he is doing what is best for you. Try to imagine being that convinced that the world will end, and that everyone outside the cult will burn for eternity - the fact that he tries to get you back in, annoying as it undoubtedly is, is probably his way of, in his mind, "saving" you because he loves you. The fact that he and your sister still keep in touch with you show that they care.

I believe you have to take a firm stand, like you have, setting rules and making sure they understand you have abandoned your faith and is NOT going back into the cult. But that doesn't mean you don't love each other, or that you can't keep in contact. If they are not willing to accept that you should cut them out for real, but I think it is just a lot to process for them. I think your dad's last message might be sincere. But you are the one who knows him...

I resorted to cutting off a couple relatives after trying vainly for several years to get them to respect some basic boundaries which they repeatedly ignored. I'm talking major stuff, like your stuff is major.

I cut them off when they started aiming themselves at the children of the family. When it was just me, I felt strong enough to stand up to them, even if it was annoying. But kids are impressionable, especially teenagers, and it's our jobs to protect them from the members of our families who could pose a danger to them.

Your cult-affiliated family members pose a danger to your children because they've repeatedly shown they're willing to try to indoctrinate them whenever your back is turned. Do whatever you have to do with a completely clear conscience.

I wish you the best.

P.S. I still care about the relatives I cut out of my life. I'm not even angry at them. I just don't trust them for realistic reasons.

I have heard that therapy for survivors of cult abuse is extremely challenging and lasts years. You have done amazingly well all by yourself, without therapy.

I think you need to assert your boundaries in a step-by-step way. first and foremost, no money lending $$$. Have they returned the borrowed money to you?

After you have had a good record of resisting guilt-trip-laden requests for money, you can become more assertive about communications.

If there are people who owe you money and are behind in returning it, and, if those people send you indoctrinating emails, you can respond with:

"While this all might be fascinating, I would prefer that you not spend your time writing emails but instead focus on earning money to pay me back."

Yes, you should be proud of yourself. Good for your daughter, too. I would quit giving them money. That is just helping the cult go. Cut them off if you can. If relatives don't add anything to your life, time to go! It worked great with my psycho mother. She makes me look sane.

Thanks everyone.

I blocked them from my e-mail account and my Facebook. So, we've had no contact from them for about 2 weeks. It has been nice. I need space, sometimes I think Mars wouldn't be far enough. Sometimes, they would pay back the money and other times they couldn't. But, they always had money to spend on cult sponsored trips . . .

I met with a cult psychologist. He said that I will always feel a little weird in society, and a I still catch myself feeling weird or first seeing a news event through cult eyes. Because I grew up in a cult, I don't have a "normal base" to go back to. I think I would get along in a foreign country just swell, because that is how I sometimes feel living in my own culture. My brother moved to South America for years after he left the cult, because it felt reasonable to live in a culture he didn't fit in and there was an obvious reason he didn't understand it. I catch myself thinking in black & white, and then try to move on from there to see grey. It is a battle to live a "normal" life, but it's worth it. The control and manipulation that a cult puts on you is absolutely devastating.

Roberta,

This might be an unusual idea but your brother's move got me thinking...

...they say that learning a foreign language is the best exercise for the brain, and, say, taking up a foreign language is way more helpful than doing crossword puzzles to prevent dementia

...say, if you learn Spanish, here is what will be happening on the positive side:

- your mind will be focused and occupied, and you will be less likely to fall into your old B&W thinking patterns

- your brain will get a good exercise, and that just cannot hurt, right?

- you will be able to read excellent books, because the Spanish literary canon is very rich

- if you visit your brother, you will be able to practice speaking with native speakers (not that there aren't any in Florida )

- most importantly, it will be a new start and you will be doing things from scratch. Maybe when you read in Spanish, which you will have learned being your current, adult, mature, evolved, introspective self, you will be free from the B&W thinking that you absorbed as a child IN ENGLISH!

This is a just a wild guess, of course. The idea is that you will give yourself a fresh start in a new language.