[prinssa]

Is it fair for my boyfriend to accuse me of cheating?

During me and Jake, my boyfriend, "break" I had another boyfriend during those months. I say it in quotes because me and Jake were not official and we parted without a clear explanation. This was also very frequent where we had long breaks with 0 communication.

Jake became obsessed with my "affair". He calls it cheating. He said we were still together during those periods even though we have constantly parted and reunited without reason.

We've had an on and off relationship and he has never publicly recognized me as his girlfriend before. This only changed after I told Jake about my other boyfriend. I told Jake how my other boyfriend appreciated like he never has before. I did it with intention for him to step up and be a better partner.

He says that I'm not acknowledging what I did was wrong, therefore, I'm bound to repeat it if we ever separate for a period, such as school, work, family.

Even though we were never clear about the relationship we had prior to my "affair", he claims I was cheating. He always brings this up as cheating. He is also very paranoid that I am cheating.

Is it fair for him to make this claim of me cheating ?

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I have an ex who did the same thing to me.

I didn't realize he and I were even in a relationship (last I checked both people must acknowledge and agree to it for it to be a relationship.) AND he told me I was free to sleep with who ever I wanted. Until I actually did, then it became cheating. (He then proceeded to use it against me at every available opportunity. Should add this one turned out to be emotionally abusive.)

If you didn't feel there was a relationship then I don't see how it could have been a relationship. So, no, I don't think you cheated.

I do not think there is much point trying to hold on to this relationship though. It seems quite unhealthy and if you need to tell him how much better someone else was, probably not a good fit for either of you.

[springdweller]

Sounds like he is a bit immature
There needs to be clear communication
you can't read his mind, so if you moved on that is his loss
maybe next time he will open his mouth

[prinssa]

He now says his reason for leaving was because of his episodes from his bipolar disorder. He says I should've looked for him during the times he would disappear.

I'm the kind of person if someone lets me go I don't feel comfortable chasing them so I let them be. Although because I love him I always let him back in.

He says it's not the fact I was with someone else but the way I carried myself about it. He says I should have been more apologetic than careless. My reason for acting this way was because I honestly felt like I did nothing wrong.

[A Red Panda]

I don't think you did anything wrong in regards to starting a new relationship. I don't think it was very cool of you to actively compare this guy to the guy you were seeing though.

Perhaps you could both use this time to define your relationship properly or not. If he withdraws from you without communicating, he needs to make it clear that he wants to have contact with you but withdraws and needs you to be more assertive during those times? You can't read his mind, so he needed to let you know those things.

I think a lot (to my brain anyway) would depend on how long you've been seeing each other on-and-off and how long the breaks have been.

[prinssa]

We've been seeing each other on and off for 4 years now. The breaks have been from 2 weeks to 3 months

[A Red Panda]

In his side of things, I would definitely feel hurt if someone moved on from me that quickly - three months after 4 years isn't very much time at all to move on. So I understand that he would be feeling upset and even betrayed.

But to call it cheating? No.

I would definitely sit down and talk about what your relationship is, and about why the breaks have happened and what you both want to do about those.

[prinssa]

Yes he did say he was hurt as to why I didn't bother fixing the relationship instead of going to someone else.

Could that be the reason why he's so obsessed with bringing it up and feeling so insecure about me? He truly feels it was very wrong.

We have talked it over many times which has been very draining. But he continues to say it is cheating.

[vonmoxie]

It's a lot of responsibility to put on a person, to expect them to "come after you" if they seem to be retreating, without ever having defined a relationship; certainly it's nothing that could be expected without even a discussion.

A guy I was dating once (but never official BF/GF) started having a real attitude with me a few months in, for absolutely no apparent reason real snippy all the time and would never call me -- I always had to call him. I found it to be a real power-trip move on his part. So I called him on his bluff -- I stopped calling him. It took him a whole month to realize that I wasn't bluffing. That he was gonna have to call me. A whole month of no communication. I considered us broken up, because I wasn't going to be forced into a behavior by his passive-aggressive stance, i.e., I wasn't going to break up with him when it was HIS action forcing the situation. When he realized, he campaigned hard for us to get back together; I definitely wouldn't have had to worry about him making a move like that again, had we rejoined, but as it happened I'd moved on by then.

I'm especially wary of those who make a lot of assumptions about what is happening, that are without any basis in reality, and certainly without any basis in communication. In my opinion, it's disrespectful, as it represents their putting unwritten agreements in place without your input. I think the possibility of a healthy relationship going forward would definitely depend on more communication and clarity around what's happening.. and a modified sense of entitlement where the making of assumptions is concerned wouldn't hurt either. IMO.

I totes think you're onto something that his insistence that you did something wrong is deflective on his part, because he must know at least deep down that he heavily contributed to the situation. Oh well. Just because he wants to hang on to that belief doesn't mean you have to.

[hamster-bamster]

Hmm... I think the word "affair" definitely does not apply because it is still more or less reserved for extramarital affairs, and you are not married.

I would not talk it over with him anymore as that would feel draining to you and not yield productive results. Tell him instead that you can agree to disagree. State your position and let him have his. Then, tell him that he is entitled to his position, but should keep it to himself. That should stop verbal accusations. If he cannot stop himself from making verbal accusations, leave him altogether. I think he is prone to having pity parties...

[A Red Panda]

You didn't cheat on him - you had no reason to believe that you weren't broken up as he is the one who stopped communication.

He can be hurt, but he can't be blaming you for your choices when they were a result of HIS choices. If he isn't willing to look at things from your perspective and accept his role in the ending of the relationship, then he isn't worth staying with really.

[Bill3]

He is also very paranoid that I am cheating.

This statement, and the fact that he keeps accusing you of cheating, worry me. Perhaps take a look at this link and see if he shows more signs of being abusive:

How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship: 13 Steps

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

'o.O Wow, I think maybe it's best to leave him, properly, because it sounds unhealthy for you both. He obviously has issues and it's stressing you out, or otherwise negatively affecting you.

[Trippin2.0]

It's impossible to cheat on a bf you don't have.


End of story.

[prinssa]

This argument of me cheating continues to constantly be the main topic in our relationship when it happened 7 months ago.

Even so he's insisting on moving in together. He has also brought me into his family which is something very personal for him and has never done so before. He did this after we began the arguments of cheating.

What is he trying to do? Is he just giving me a hard time for being with someone else or what is happening?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by prinssa

Is it fair for my boyfriend to accuse me of cheating?

During me and Jake, my boyfriend, "break" I had another boyfriend during those months. I say it in quotes because me and Jake were not official and we parted without a clear explanation. This was also very frequent where we had long breaks with 0 communication.

Jake became obsessed with my "affair". He calls it cheating. He said we were still together during those periods even though we have constantly parted and reunited without reason.

We've had an on and off relationship and he has never publicly recognized me as his girlfriend before. This only changed after I told Jake about my other boyfriend. I told Jake how my other boyfriend appreciated like he never has before. I did it with intention for him to step up and be a better partner.

He says that I'm not acknowledging what I did was wrong, therefore, I'm bound to repeat it if we ever separate for a period, such as school, work, family.

Even though we were never clear about the relationship we had prior to my "affair", he claims I was cheating. He always brings this up as cheating. He is also very paranoid that I am cheating.

Is it fair for him to make this claim of me cheating ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

No, it's not fair.

[Bill3]

Even so he's insisting on moving in together.

This might also be considered a sign of a potential abuser: rushing a partner along faster than she might want to. From #7 in the link I posted above:

Consider whether there is pressure placed on you to change or move faster than you're prepared to.

[prinssa]

Yes I feel this is the hill we won't get over. This topic of me cheating is constantly debated in our relationship when it happened 7 months ago.

I usually avoid it because whenever he brings it up he gets terribly upset. He either cries and is really sad or he yells and gets frustrated.

Idk how to go about it when he is over emotional about this topic.

I know ignoring it won't help since he sees it as me not caring.

I do care about him and about our relationship.

[Bill3]

Well honestly I think it would be helpful for him to speak to a counselor. The behaviors that you describe, the emotions he is experiencing are just not under rational control and are not appropriate to the situation.

I strongly urge you not to move in with him at this time.

Caring about someone, and caring about the relationship, includes facing the truth about the person and the relationship. And, when needed, it means asking for help to be arranged. If the person won't get help, then limiting contact with the person, or staying away altogether, can be necessary for self-protection.

When he gets really emotional about the so-called cheating I would just withdraw from the discussion. You know that you care so don't be swayed by his accusations that you don't.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bill3

This might also be considered a sign of a potential abuser: rushing a partner along faster than she might want to. From #7 in the link I posted above:

Consider whether there is pressure placed on you to change or move faster than you're prepared to.

Oh how true this is! Bill, I wish I had known you in 1997 . Rushing along did result in severe abuse and I am still dealing with the harshly negative consequences.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by prinssa

Yes I feel this is the hill we won't get over. This topic of me cheating is constantly debated in our relationship when it happened 7 months ago.

I usually avoid it because whenever he brings it up he gets terribly upset. He either cries and is really sad or he yells and gets frustrated.

Idk how to go about it when he is over emotional about this topic.

I know ignoring it won't help since he sees it as me not caring.

I do care about him and about our relationship.

I think you misunderstood me. I did not suggest ignoring. I suggested telling him, once, that you offer to agree to disagree, and that he is not to bring it up again or you would leave him altogether. Saying that you disagree is not ignoring. Ignoring is pretending things away. Stating that you can only agree to disagree is facing things head-on while standing your ground.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by prinssa

This argument of me cheating continues to constantly be the main topic in our relationship when it happened 7 months ago.

Even so he's insisting on moving in together. He has also brought me into his family which is something very personal for him and has never done so before. He did this after we began the arguments of cheating.

What is he trying to do? Is he just giving me a hard time for being with someone else or what is happening?

Sometimes with an untreated MI, there will be so much conflicting and confusing whirls of emotions, that these behaviors of drawing you closer aren't more than them trying to placate their fears. There's probably a ton of unexpressed self torment.
Not that the desire isn't genuine, but you probably bring out the most intense of emotions.
Seven months is a long time for so much arguing. It's truly like a pull/push scenario. Hoping it away, and/or waiting for this to settle down/change, won't be enough.

Are either of you, in counseling? A relationship like this, would need you both doing your own heavy hitting work. You to deal, him to peel back the layers of what's ailing him.

[~Christina]

Ummmm... Am I the only one not seeing the obvious ?

You and him have broken up many times and he can not understand the concept that you guys were indeed broken up and you went ahead with your life and saw other people.

What qualities does he have that make him so worthy of being with? All I see is his inability to understand simple logic.

I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.