He got offended?

Today I was chatting with my guy friend about a new coffee stand that opened up near my work. I guess it's one of those cowgirl ones. I don't know much about it other than I'm thinking it's meant to be risqué. We were joking about going to it and he said "can I go with you if you go?" I took it as a joke, a joke about him wanting to check out the girls there. I jokingly replied with a no. We joked a little more about it and then he made a comment that rather than seeing the girls he was more interested in my reaction to the girls. At the same time I made a comment about he can go, but only if they have cowboys there for me too. He became really upset. I thought he was joking around and saying he wanted to check out the girls. He said no, he was serious and just wanted to see how I would react to the girls. And he was deeply offended that I would joke about wanting to see any cowboys there. I tried to explain that I was simply joking, I have no interest in checking out any guys, and I thought we were both joking about it. He said it was rude and it was offensive and even though I tried to explain I was joking, he was still offended.

I guess I'm hurt that he doesn't seem to actually accept that we both misunderstood each other. He remains pretty steadfast that he was serious and doesn't seem to accept that I took what he said as a joke about wanting to see the girls. And he remains pretty steadfast in being offended by it. Also, since we are not in a relationship, and he doesn't want to be right now, why such a strong reaction? And thirdly, how do you get someone this jealous (since I'm from Texas, used to have horses, then maybe I really do want a cowboy), to trust that you aren't going to cheat or flaunt other men in front of him. He is very confusing to me and sends me some pretty mixed signals.

How weird. I'd be tempted to just let this one go. If you ever did get into a relationship with him, he'd probably be the jealous type. I say move on.

I agree with chipper. Why is it okay for him to want to see your reaction to the girls? Thats kind of sick and one sided. i take it, he's not from around here? Meaning, a state where women have equal rights?

I honestly don't see why any of this is even an issue.


He doesn't want you (right now) but doesn't want anybody else to have you (or even just your attention) either?


Sounds like a pretty shytti deal to me. He doesn't sound like a very good friend, a good friend would want you to be happy, even if it ends up stinging him.


He has no right to be offended, that's his problem, don't take it on as your own.

Even if you DID want to go and check out the guys... what on earth would be the problem with that?!?! You're single. You can totally do that.

His level of jealousy is 200% unwarranted - he has zero right to be jealous and no right to be offended when you've explained how you were joking. You said nothing offensive even if you were being serious!

This guy has "Loser" stamped on his forehead...I can see it from here.

IMHO- cut this guy loose and save yourself a bunch of trouble down the road.

Good luck to you!

I agree with everyone else.

An ounce of prevention is a worth a pound of cure. Do not get involved with this guy.

Some people NEED to feel offended. Needs to grow up

OMG I could not agree more with everyone!

PS - do NOT apologize to him! Whether you are with him or not, he sounds incredibly insecure.

Yeah - be wary of this "friend". Because he seems like anything but...

As another male, I can tell you this guy is in all likelihood 100% trouble.

Not just because, as mentioned, he is irrationally and unjustifiably jealous over somebody he's not in a relationship with. Also controlling or manipulative because he will not fold until you admit you've done something wrong.

Lastly, and maybe this is just me, but that stubbornness or narcissism that causes people to be totally incapable of being wrong or to acknowledge misunderstandings and move on absolutely drives me nuts. They always have to be right. Everything is always an attack on them. They always have to be apologized to. They are always trouble.

Maybe I'm reading into it too much but I think if most guys had a female friend they were interested in and she said something like that, they'd use that opportunity to flirt with you rather than fight with you. "Well yee'haw! Let me get my hat and boots and we can mosey on down...". etc.

To be honest, I think your friend or boyfriend is being overdramatic.

We have those places here and they are full of nothing but old people line dancing and guys wearing blue singlets that have bellies that drop down to their knees when their singlet comes untucked and I definitely wouldn’t call them risqué and I don’t see why he is so worried unless he has got the impression you are going to run off with a yobbo.

You gotta watch those yobbos mate. They are shifty little bastards especially when they have no teeth.

Run, do not walk away from this guy. I smell trouble. Don't even keep him as a friend.

Thanks everyone. He has told me that if I want to date others, I should. That because he is not ready for a relationship, and I am, that he wants me to be happy. That's why I was blown away by his response to this. We were previously what we called "exclusively dating". Maybe in his mind, he didn't make that shift even though the words were coming out of his mouth.

'o.O Seems like a strange reaction from him, to be honest. I don't see how what you said was rude, unless I've totally mis-read.

I think you dodged a bullet, tabenda. The whole thing of his being intense about wanting to see your reaction to the girls is creepy. Reeks of jealousy and control issues to me; what is it that he's wanting to oversee, monitor, judge? Yuk. Like many here, my spidey-sense also says run, for the hills. I've seen this movie, and it doesn't end well.

I agree with everyone that has been posted.

I couldn't even keep him as a friend. Yelch

That was one of my biggest concerns with this situations..... that he just couldn't seem to accept that he had misunderstood me or was in the wrong. I think if the situation were reversed, once I realized that I had misunderstood, I'd have let go of any offended feelings and probably laughed my silliness off. With him, I could tell that nothing I said at that time, or could say, was going to change his mind.

Both of us have baggage that we are dealing with and while in the above situation, I feel he was out of line, there are definitely other times when it was me out of line. We both acknowledge that entering any relationship at this time would likely not work out, however, we both care about each other and are having a hard time just walking away. Even if it's just to give ourselves the time to deal with our baggage. Despite the above occurrence, he does recognize (and ultimately after that episode he did apologize) that he has issues that he needs to work on, as do I. Looking at the episode above, I have to agree that it might be best to walk away, and that day may yet come. But at the same time, I hope that people give me a chance when they might feel it's best to walk away from me, because when I am able to acknowledge a problem and work to improve myself, I might be worth sticking by.

Regarding the original post, he and I handle stress and anger in very different ways. I want to address the situation, talk it out, explain and hopefully we both walk away with a better understanding of each other. And I have a keen urge to fix things. He on the other hand doesn't want to talk when he is angry. He wants time and space for the angry or hurt emotions to subside. Pressing him to talk at a time like this, only leads him to greater anger and the possibility of pushing him to saying something we both regret. It is very difficult for me to give this space when I am in "I've got to fix this mode" or "I've got to explain it mode."

Recently we have seemed to have reached a point that we are able to set aside the negativity that has been plaguing us. It came when we decided that we are not in a relationship of any kind, we are not dating, we are not together in any way. Somehow that allowed me to release myself from the needy, anxious, reactionary way I had been handling things. And once I did that, it changed his reaction to me and brought back this man who sees me as someone he wants in his future.

Now I can look at us, at him, and know that this is the man I want around me. And I'm coming to understand what was triggering my reactions with him in the past. And I can also look at myself, and know that this is the me that has been missing for the last few years. The me who is confident, and who doesn't need someone who doesn't seem to want me in their life. I'm going to continue to work on myself, and give him a chance to work on himself, and we'll either remain friends, grow into something more, or not. And I'll be happy either way.

I know that I feel better about myself, than I have in a long time, and I want this feeling, this me, to stay.

Sorry, sort of went on a tangent lol.

One other comment, about what he meant when he said he wanted to see my reaction to the girls. He wanted to see my reaction to the girls when I realized what the cowgirl espresso stands were all about. Like would I be offended.

Why would you be offended? I did a search on google images; here is a picture that seems to be representative:

https://www.google.com/search?q=cowg...-b%3B200%3B300

The girl looks ridiculous. One can be amused, but not offended.

I dont like being tested. Is he trying to test you to see if you are moral enough for him? If you are not offended by these girls, does that mean you are "just like them" ie a slut in his eyes? I would be very wary.

and in general, the sense of entitlement to test the OP, by whatever criteria...

nevermind. good luck.

I don't know much, but maybe he was being straight forward and honest and he came off as having an alternative motive? If he felt like he was being treated like he was not being honest then I could understand him being offended, just not to that extent.

It does sound like something else is bothering him and this was just a tipping point, but I could be wrong. Either way, you did nothing wrong.

If he wants you as a friend, then he is just as responsible for working things out. Nothing is one sided, at least it shouldn't be.

People are used to most people saying things that are not completely honest to get their way. Half truths, etcetera are the norm. The majority are trained to assume and interpret what others say to form the most logical conclusion. Just my random thoughts.

Well, I don't believe it was a "test." If you focus just on his comment that he wanted to see my reaction, I think that is something a lot of us do. I like to see a friend's reaction to a picture I took on vacation, or maybe how a kid reacts to their first taste of a lemon. I think that he thought I wasn't familiar with the cowgirl espresso stands and simply wanted to see my reaction when I saw what it was like, and I don't think he was looking to base a judgment of me dependent upon my reaction. I don't want to read more into what he meant just as I don't want him to read more into my reply, than the joke that it was. Now, if it was something that had actually played out (or he had expressed a negative moral bias in the conversation), and he formed a negative judgment from my reaction, whatever it may have been, then that's a different story.

Fair enough, but then the asymmetry of the situation remains the main issue. If he was joking, he should not have gotten offended when you joked.