[ladytiger]

Hi Everyone. I need help from the ladies. I have been with my bf for 9 yrs love and care for him deeply. Last week, I accepted a LUNCH INVITATION from someone I know from high school who is in the Army been in it for 4 yrs now re-enlisted for another 3 yrs. He seems very different, I enjoyed his company so much. We were wanting to date in 04, but we both had a lot of issues and argued so I stopped talking to him for 3 yrs. I would see him now and then somewhere, but never said anything to him. I almost jumped in bed with him but we didn't it's like I regret it now.

During lunch, he told me exactly what he thought of my current boyfriend and said I notice you are not happy, I can tell and you know I am right. I told him how much I love/care for my boyfriend. For years, current bf and I have argued a lot over petty ****, his anger issue, and still currently his lack of commitment to anything even his computer issue putting me last. Bf claims he doesn't "put me last" when it comes to the computer then why does it take hours for him to finish and we were suppose to go have fun? If I am not last, then I should be the top priority, right? He proposed to me when I was 21 in 07, wore a ring he bought for us and said we were engaged but actually my bf said he wanted to propose where people out there can go awww ain't that cute? Does it really matter? I don't care where the guy proposes to me as long as I say yes!

I don't wear the ring anymore as the stone fell out but he still has his ring. Army guy said I don't see your relationship lasting much longer, but it's frustrating how bf wanted to marry me yet could never provided us some kind of a home long ago. He works, part time that's the only thing he could get, and the hours are just terrible. I work part time and looking for a 2nd job trying to get a place but my monthly income is so low I can't afford it with a roomie or on my own which I am miserable because I can't get enough hours at my job as the district won't allow part timers to go over. I love my job, but wish it was full time.

I had a lot of fun with Army guy, I kept seeing him a lot and ended up kissing him like a lot. We acted like a couple in person, a real couple. We had no arguing, we love to challenge one another it's fun for us done it to him before it's just playful. I wonder if Army guy is the one for me? I haven't spoken to my bf about what's going on with our relationship. I know he wants a full time job but that's hard to get where we live plus he was out of work for almost 5 yrs. He doesn't wanna job hop because that is being used against people harder now than it was years ago, how can we be married if we still can't live together?

Ever since I went to "therapy" (went to therapy for other reasons not for COUPLES COUNSELING ) and having A SOCIAL WORKER at the women's center and attending those workshops; I feel like I am becoming a different woman. Other people said go for it, date the Army guy whether he is the one or not at least you can say you gave him a chance. Yea, it's a lot of feelings needed to be sorted out. Army guy will be gone for 2 months or maybe longer in another state doing another MOS. I mean, my bf has been there for me a lot and Army guy was a good shoulder to cry on long ago. I cried hard on Thursday last week on Army guy's chest about the possibility of leaving my boyfriend. Army guy is great when it comes to listening to my needs and he seems more mature having his **** together. I am still trying to get my **** together I wish 10 yrs ago I had it all together and wouldn't still be stuck like I am now.

Another thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend is constantly talking to someone on Hangouts. I don't have a problem if there's chatting, but I always wondered if he is "still" cybering with other women. I mean, I have seen chats where he was talking to bi/lesbian women about their own relationship issues with other women just normal chatting. I can't seem to get a hold of his phone nor do I know his password to his email. I always hear women who crack open their husband/boyfriend's password(s) and find some info. Why would he cyber with other women? Yea, he did this twice in the past. I asked boyfriend is it because we are not having sex all the time? Any women on here have any tips on how I could do that without getting in trouble? I told him I don't want to be one of those girlfriends who snoop in your emails or phone. Cybering with women, damn near borderline cheating! He never met these women they lived in another state or country. He said he was always horny that's why he did it and it doesn't mean anything. I told him long ago, if you cheat, I am done! Bf doesn't have a computer at the moment and he wants to get one, I can see that becoming a problem again where I am last on the list! It's fine if he wants a computer to do stuff on, but putting that before me and being on it all hours of the night not sleeping at all is a problem which this started when he was in high school.

Everybody told him he has a problem and he got irate saying he doesn't have a problem. How come you are always late to your jobs? Never can complete an application any time I would email him a job I think may interest him telling me I will do it and never finishes it then *****es about the closing date passing by and who's fault is that?!? Seriously, he is 6 yrs away from being 40.

I seem to have my answers about Army guy but would like to take it slow IF we do date in the future. Army guy is going back to TX this morning not sure when he will be back in AZ. I feel like I may be falling in love with Army guy hard....

If anyone has any tips let me know.

Hello Ladytiger: I have not read your post, since you're seeking input from women. I just wanted to suggest, if you continue to not receive replies here in the Coping with Emotions forum, you might consider reposting this in the Women Only forum. Good luck.

[Puglife]

Regardless of a third party, you need to decide if you want to continue this relationship with your boyfriend. I can't imagine being with someone who hasn't worked in 5 years. What are you getting out of the relationship? I would resolve the issues with the current boyfriend and if you do end up breaking up, take some time to be on your own and figure things out before pursuing another relationship.

[hvert]

It sounds like you are really unhappy with your boyfriend. Is he okay with you hanging out with and kissing this other guy? I would end one relationship before I started another, personally. Why do you think you have stayed as long as you have given all of these issues?

[ladytiger]

Even when we first met 9 yrs ago, he wasn't working never having any money. He quit this one job because it was all commission, worked there for a year with no pay (he got paid 3 times that was it), and since then it was very hard for him to get a job although he has more customer service experience than me. No, he has no idea that I kissed this other guy and he would be furious if he know who it is! Our relationship is based on having an open relationship where I could date women not other men.

I haven't had the talk with him yet. The Army guy wants an answer, even though he said he wants to take things slow as well.

[ChipperMonkey]

Uhm, you're being a bit hypocritical, don't you think? How can you be mad at your boyfriend for cybering with other women when you are out there with another man!?!? Your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't seem all that solid. Why not get out of that relationship and then start seeing the new/old guy? Whatever you do, stop cheating and don't be playing both guys like fiddles. Its not classy.

[ladytiger]

He was cybering way before the Army guy came into town okay! Yes, I do feel like I am cheating, it takes two doesn't it?!? This has never happened to me before, so this is all new to me about a guy confessing his love for me while I still have a bf. I told my friend I am not trying to cheat, but yes, I am guilty of kissing this guy. I am not trying to play both of them just trying to collect my thoughts on how to approach this with my boyfriend.

[offthegrid]

The following response may come across as overly harsh so strap in! lol

If you want to break things with the BF you should do so based on himself. Likewise you should see the potential relationship with Army guy based on himself not simply in comparison with BF or anyone else. He is is own person and a relationship with him may not be what you think it is once you actually date him. See that relationship for what is is/would be, not for what you dream…and defiantly not just in a comparison to a broken one you're in now. The reason I say that is because it would be awful to miss red flags and accept less than what you deserve because you're so used to what you're putting up with now.

LadyTiger, you've had 9 years to recognize and break things off with the boyfriend now? If he has broken your trust and consistently committed acts that are disrespectful for you (i.e cybering with other women) why wait till now to break things off? Why wait to break things off when a new man comes along when you've had justification to break up with him before? Likewise, if you want to stay with him despite all the problems the answer is clear. Stay with him, deal with the behavior, and stop contact with Army guy. There's not really a middle ground here.

I have something else I'd like to post but RL calls, I'll edit in a bit

[ladytiger]

Offthegrid,

You are right about that, why am I waiting now? I did see bad signs in the beginning of our relationship. I guess I didn't want to break it off because I love him and didn't want to be lonely. I told Army guy we have to get to know each other again even though we have known each other from high school. My friend told me if you do decide to be with Army guy and something later on that it didn't work out at least you gave him a chance. She also told me to live my life in peace and freedom away from drama.

I mean, boyfriend has been there for me he has seen my darkest days, how my parents are horrible, seen that type of drama, seen me in such severe emotional pain, etc he is my rock that I was able to go too.

[offthegrid]

Okay I'm back

You shouldn't stay with someone or jump into a relationship with someone else. It makes you put up with stupid things you don't deserve. You'll see the guy manipulating you but you look the other way because of fear of the unknown. They end up stringing you along…but you're the crazy one for having standards.

I don't know him and I don't want to be discouraging but Army guy seems really comfortable being close to someone else's girlfriend and you are very vulnerable right now. I personally don't trust people who don't respect others' relationships. Would he go off to Texas to do the same to you? Is he already involved? Ultimately, it is totally up to you as to what you decide to do and I hope whatever you choose turns out for the best.

[ladytiger]

He is single he told me he was on the verge of marrying this ex gf of his who he wanted her to wait for him until he got back to the state we live in and he found out she was with someone else. I told Army guy not to lie to me and he told me you just don't seem happy in your relationship like it's not going anywhere. Army guy said he wants an answer as he don't know how long he is gonna be gone since he re-enlisted in the Army for another 3 yrs as anything can happen between now and then. Army guy said I have always cared about you just don't like your boyfriend I told him you should have told me a few years ago about your feelings for me or better yet 10 yrs ago we should have worked everything out and we would still be a couple.

I mean, I've never been a military guy's girlfriend in my life. All of my life, I have watched my idiot mom be in a miserable marriage with my dead beat dad saw the **** she put up with telling her own daughters this is how you stay in a marriage never lose your identity! Anyway, Army guy did say it's up to me as to what I want to do....

[ladytiger]

Update!

Army guy and I have been talking on fb. Now, he tells me that I have to give him a reason to want to be with me saying he doesn't wanna wait around for a woman who doesn't appreciate what's in front of her. Yea, I was blown away by that comment! I am like where is this coming from?!? I said to him you confessed your love for me, now you want me to give you a reason to be with me? You already confessed and did tell him I'd like to be with him in the future if things go wrong with my bf.

He's making it sound like I am being wishy washy and reading that msg on fb, I am like who is being the pushy one?!? I get his military and man's point of view, but he needs to see it from a woman's pov too. Someone on here said something about the army guy not respecting people's relationships and if I pursue him, the grass may not be green like I seem to think. Now, my bf and the army guy are at it they are texting each other.

It seems Army guy wanted me to cheat on my bf with him since we did a lot of kissing and almost got in bed. Army guy told me if I don't give him an answer asap when he gets back into town he will either get stationed in another state or country and find someone else told him how could you drop your love feelings for me to go be with another woman? You had these feelings for so long how could you be happy with someone else? Yea, I am having 2nd thoughts about Army guy. He said you're not cheating on your boyfriend at first he said don't keep me waiting on whatever your decision is to now I need an answer. He told me you have the time I left AZ to when I get back.

It seemed like I went head over hills for Army guy thinking we could start over again. Yea, I broke down and told my bf everything earlier today before I went to work. I read what Army guy wrote him, I told Army Guy I appreciate your concern for me and have told him to stay out of my biz whether he agrees with what I am doing or not I don't pry into his biz! My bf told me why is Army guy romancing another man's woman? Why can't he find his own?

Told him Army guy whatever happens between my bf and I has nothing to do with you. You are not his prob and he is not yours either. Army guy told me how he felt about my relationship with my bf and asked him are you Dr. Phil or something? Yes, I caused damaged to my boyfriend and admitted it to him. My bf told him now by text how Army guy has no morals and hasn't changed like he claims bf told me see he could say anything to get into your pants.

Like my coworker told me, we are all tempted! I also felt like he insulted my kissing towards him sounds like I was about to date a Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang! not my style

[healingme4me]

How'd he manage to gain contact with your bf?

See how he [army guy] had you second guessing yourself? I,e,. Wishy washy, and telling you how he sees your being unhappy?

How damaged is your relationship with your bf? What steps are you taking to work through what got you talking to an ex, what got your mind spinning, and how you feel about your parents?

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How'd he manage to gain contact with your bf?

See how he [army guy] had you second guessing yourself? I,e,. Wishy washy, and telling you how he sees your being unhappy?

How damaged is your relationship with your bf? What steps are you taking to work through what got you talking to an ex, what got your mind spinning, and how you feel about your parents?

I gave my bf Army guy's number and I knew he was gonna get it out of me asap. My bf sent him a text telling him to stay away from me. Army guy not really an ex we didn't exactly date like how we wanted to. Army guy was 2nd guessing himself before my bf got ahold of him. Bf and I spoke telling me he hasn't changed don't care if he is in the Army.

I told bf what he told me about being a gentlemen and a friend bf said you don't sleep with another guy's woman don't care if the relationship is good or falling apart. I think it's pretty bad the damage bf said to him why are you trying to take advantage of the distress? Army guy being pushy I need an answer I was starting to see old patterns from him like long ago and this is why I am questioning myself about him. I feel after this I am gonna lose him again but I don't want to date a Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang either. I did tell my bf that I was falling for him and bf said he wanted his cake and ice cream. If he was such a man, you trying to kiss him, he should have put his hands up saying back off our friendship is too good to get ruined. What about my parents?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I gave my bf Army guy's number and I knew he was gonna get it out of me asap. My bf sent him a text telling him to stay away from me. Army guy not really an ex we didn't exactly date like how we wanted to. Army guy was 2nd guessing himself before my bf got ahold of him. Bf and I spoke telling me he hasn't changed don't care if he is in the Army.

I told bf what he told me about being a gentlemen and a friend bf said you don't sleep with another guy's woman don't care if the relationship is good or falling apart. I think it's pretty bad the damage bf said to him why are you trying to take advantage of the distress? Army guy being pushy I need an answer I was starting to see old patterns from him like long ago and this is why I am questioning myself about him. I feel after this I am gonna lose him again but I don't want to date a Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang either. I did tell my bf that I was falling for him and bf said he wanted his cake and ice cream. If he was such a man, you trying to kiss him, he should have put his hands up saying back off our friendship is too good to get ruined. What about my parents?

I brought up resolving early childhood stuff, about parents because of what I'd quoted of yours, below. I've found it's common to unknowingly repeat witnessed patterns from childhood. It's one thing to intellectually know your own history, yet another to pick up on how subconsciously patterns become repeated,even when dynamics don't seem obvious.

Your story is that you don't want to lose army guy, although he is showing that he's repeating old patterns, yet, your story talks of not being fulfilled with who you are currently with.

It's a tough position, to be in.

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I mean, I've never been a military guy's girlfriend in my life. All of my life, I have watched my idiot mom be in a miserable marriage with my dead beat dad saw the **** she put up with telling her own daughters this is how you stay in a marriage never lose your identity! Anyway, Army guy did say it's up to me as to what I want to do....

[ladytiger]

Oh I see. I watched a lousy mom never doing anything for us her example is get abused by the man you're with and be miserable why bother being independent? She said you need to be independent but would flip flop which is sending your own daughter mixed messages about Independence as a woman. Yep, went to therapy a big joke considering I could have taught it myself! I got more help/insight from women at the women's center with my social worker than from a textbook knowledge therapist!

My sister said Army guy needs to be truthful and him using his uniform to gain women and respect is a big red flag his words sound abusive. I've had his ex girlfriends tell me he was controlling this was before he went into the Army and thought he changed. My mom is content in her abusive situation yet still *****ing about no change and mad at the world for not saving her. We get told she made sacrifices and idiots out there said but she is your mom and tried her best. Really? Letting your kids suffer and putting them at harm is really a mother doing her best!

[healingme4me]

What you mentioned about army guy having controlling behaviors described by others, is partly why I mentioned him having you spinning in circles.
I've observed how sometimes people want a rescue, when the rescue needs to come from oneself [your mom]. There's a quote, somewhere out there, that says, be your own hero.
Maybe army guy isn't the answer. Yet, you aren't fulfilled with your bf. What's your next course of action?

[offthegrid]

"I have to give him a reason to want to be with me"
If I understand correctly, Army guy is telling you to give HIM a reason he should be with you?! This is not a job interview (I hate this logic even in that context) and he isn't entitled to your affection. You're right to be offended at that comment. Cutting him out of your life would be best no matter what happens with your bf. He seems like a type of person who will just bring drama. Deal with the issues with your bf separately. There's no way to handle this that isn't going to be difficult.

[ladytiger]

My ex-therapist told me to be my own hero. Offthegrid, yea, he did say that to me on FB! It's funny, me and other women said the same thing that he isn't entitled to any woman's affections/feelings in the past and he got mad at that. We were being honest and one woman who knows him always tell him that's why your relationships never last. I thought for sure he would change but guess not - wait until he starts blaming me for either staying with my bf or not. I told him whether I stay with him or not has nothing to do with you at all, women have to process these things deeper than men do and he's like I don't have the time in the world to wait when I am gonna be stationed else where which I get that part.

He's like Sheldon Cooper always gotta be so damn analytical and make things into a job interview. I sent him all of these love texts before he left and not once did he say anything to me about it as I was trying to give him space! In the past, yea, we stopped talking for 3 yrs 04-07. I told Army guy that whatever I do with either my bf or someone else is not your biz, I appreciate the concern, but don't move in thinking you are gonna replace that person.

He told me that there was this female friend of his who has 2 kids by either her current bf or a previous relationship and her bf has a kid by his ex. He refused to do anything with her and the kids just left to do whatever. He told me he spent time with the woman and her kids that they were very happy as her jerk bf didn't wanna spend time with them. I said that's fine but remember you are the friend not her bf, she is still attached to the guy. He said it's not good that she is still with him only financially speaking which I do agree but it's not his place nor his relationship with her.

Army guy wants a family I told him you and me differ from there. Maybe there was a good reason why my period came on that week he wanted to have sex with me. He talks about how other men treat women like **** but tells other people what to do in their relationships big difference between a listening ear and borderline moving in to replace that person. Now, I see why someone on here told me the grass may not always be green. My coworker met my bf she felt (she is 70) that my bf is just so stagnant and would rather not do anything which isn't the first time people have said that to me.

[~Christina]

I replied on the other thread like this in Womens forum