[Raindropvampire]

My hubby is friends with this kid(well just turned 21 but ya know). He's had the worst luck with relationships. Usually he talks to me or hubby about it.

I've tried talking him into counseling because there is just something off about him. It's like he has no filter and has no clue when he's offended someone until they actually get mad at him. When this has happened we've discussed what went wrong in the conversation. In his mind no one should get mad over an opinion no matter what it is. And he always points out I've never offended you or D(hubby). Neither one of us can get it through his head that we are not exactly normal. I've also told him yes you have offended me BUT I tell you when you are treading thin ice and explain why. He said that no one else takes the time to do that they just get mad.

Well he moved to be with this girl he met and 3 months later he's back because it didn't work out. We were talking about what happened and I told him sometimes it's hard finding the right fit for you. I told him that D was 35 and I was 30 when we met so he had plenty of time. Then he looks at me and says I wish D would die. Then we could be together because you are perfect for me and I love you. Then he pointed out how bad D's health is and asked how much longer I expected him to live.

Soooo we had to have a serious conversation about why that was inappropriate and scary. I told him that I needed to take a step back right now from the friendship. That he's 7 years younger than my baby brother and that I thought of our "relationship" more like a big sister/little brother thing. I told him that I SERIOUSLY think he needs some in depth counseling ASAP.

Like I said there is definitely something off about him and I truly don't know if he would try to hurt D or not. Even though I broke it down and explained everything to him he truly does not get why what he said scared me and ticked me off. He was just telling the truth so why does that bother me?

Now other than avoiding him like the plague is there anything I can do? Because of how he is he only has like 3 friends(including me and hubby) I really do feel bad giving him the cold shoulder but I don't know what else to do. I know when I've had a crush distance was the best thing to get me over it.

Should I tell D? D gets extremely paranoid and jealous(schizophrenia, trust issues etc..) and he doesn't have a lot of friends. I feel like it's damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't tell him and he finds out then he's going to be mad. If I tell him...well I don't see that going so well either. BUT D is unpredictable I could just as easily see him laughing it off or trying to help the kid move on to someone else.

Anyone been there done that or have a helpful suggestion?

[Bill3]

What do you see as the pros and cons of telling D?

How did D become friends with him?

[kaliope]

i think you should tell hubby. he has the right to know. your relationship comes first and honesty should be part of any relationship. i know you want to help your friend, but you are right to think something is seriously wrong. he is inappropriate and you don't want to find out if he is unpredictable. if you feel the need to continue, make it contingent on him getting help.

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you see as the pros and cons of telling D?

How did D become friends with him?

He is the tournament official at a local gaming store for a card game they play. This kid was always up there and D felt sorry for him and took him under his wing. Hubby is HUGE on us having shared interests so at least every other week I get roped into playing which is how I met him.

The pros of telling hubby is it's honest, IF the kid is dangerous it gives him a heads up and I can't think of another pro.

The cons are D is EXTREMELY unpredictable. He could do anything from want to fight him, to try to find him a girlfriend, to hurt himself(he sees hurting himself as a way to teach other people a lesson and make them feel bad). D only has 4 friends that he hangs out with so I am potentially cutting his friend pool by a quarter. He's very jealous so that means he's going to scrutinize EVERY email, chat, text and phone call that I've sent or received in the last forever.

[Bill3]

This is a difficult situation. How well does the kid understand that there is no way that he can ever be together with you, ever, even if something were to happen to D?

About D's jealousy: do you mean that if D hears of this he will scrutinize everything in order to see whether you have actually been faithful to him? And how will he treat you in the coming days, weeks, and months, once he knows?

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i think you should tell hubby. he has the right to know. your relationship comes first and honesty should be part of any relationship. i know you want to help your friend, but you are right to think something is seriously wrong. he is inappropriate and you don't want to find out if he is unpredictable. if you feel the need to continue, make it contingent on him getting help.

I do want to help him but what he said truly freaked me out. WHO thinks that way??? And to specifically ask about D's health and when do I expect him to die?? I myself am not right in the head. My childhood damaged me on fundamental levels but even I think that's twisted, for lack of a better word.

I believe in complete honesty in a relationship but D is so unpredictable. We're talking about a man that jumped out of a moving car over me telling him he was misinformed about diet soda and reduced fat food. I'm doing 45 MPH and he opens the door and rolls out. He had a suicide attempt over $10.

I'm probably going to tell him just because I hate lies and I see an omission of facts as the same thing as a lie. I'm just very worried as to how he will react.

[kaliope]

Is it possible to tell hubby in a session with t?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by Bill3

This is a difficult situation. How well does the kid understand that there is no way that he can ever be together with you, ever, even if something were to happen to D?

About D's jealousy: do you mean that if D hears of this he will scrutinize everything in order to see whether you have actually been faithful to him? And how will he treat you in the coming days, weeks, and months, once he knows?

Oh I told him in no uncertain terms that even if something happened I would not be with him. I pretty sure I got it through to him but with the way he thinks I just don't know.

Yes he will want to make sure I didn't do anything to cause this AND he will then get paranoid about if I'm talking to anyone else and want to see everything. As for how he will treat me that is completely up in the air and depends on how well he's taking his meds, how much pain he's in and if he's irritated by ANYTHING else. He can get a hell of a mouth on him depending on those factors.

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Is it possible to tell hubby in a session with t?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Due to financial restraints I am not in T or medicated at this moment. I can't afford my co-pays until January. Also I have literally gone through every T and shrink my insurance covers and NONE have Friday or weekend hours. Right now I'm sharing a car with my mom and Fridays and Saturdays are the only days I can go in unless I miss work which I can't afford to do or I will lose the car. He's between Ts because he had yet another falling out.

We only have two things going for us: he has been taking his meds pretty faithfully. His doctor keeps giving him refills until he can get back into a T. Unfortunately that means he has no incentive to look for another one. The second is after I broke his wrist(swear to god it's not like it sounds. He freaked me out in my sleep. It was bad) recently and had to see the police shrink she thinks a colleague can get a paper out of me. IF her colleague is interested then they will see me for free at a time that's convenient for me.

[hvert]

Wow. What an intense situation to be in - this sounds so stressful.

I think I would tell my husband. I might not get very specific, but I would want to tell him enough just so he knew that the friendship with the kid had to be over. I might tell him that the kid confessed a crush on me and leave out the death part, IF I was pretty sure the kid was not dangerous.

I would completely cut off the kid. You can't help him. He has to help himself.

That's just what I would do, not really knowing the particulars like you do -- I hope whatever you decide to do works out.

[Angelique67]

I would also completely cut off the kid. I'd tell your husband that the kid freaked you out badly and he should also cut off the kid, maybe break the reason why very slowly and gently.

[Raindropvampire]

I actually told D everything today. Kid called the house 3 times and I told D not to answer so the third time he was like unless you give me a reason I'm answering. He actually took it much better than I ever expected. He chuckled and said "You need to quit being so irresistible and sexy." BUT he said he expected this sooner or later. I was floored and he said the kid is weird, socially awkward, uncouth and just a mess. Then told me you are really good at putting people at ease and making them feel accepted. You make someone who's never felt accepted feel accepted and they are probably going to interrupt that as love. I told him that I was no longer comfortable being around him and he said he understood and thought that was best. Then said he was going to have a serious talk with him. And that's where we left it.

The funny thing is that as I was typing this I got an alert that my email was signed on at another location. Guess hubby didn't take it as completely ok as he let on. Bet my emails and chats are being scrutinized as I type. Oh well I have nothing to hide I just wish he'd be upfront and ask.

You and Hubby be careful and keep your guard up. I'm not suggesting anything, the kid just may have a soft heart for you and since he has no filter, told you things lots of people feel about others but know better than to say anything.
You both are very nice to help him out....and I want to help others out too...but this is the kind of stuff I worry about.
All the best to you both!

[hvert]

I hope it's your husband looking at your emails and not the kid!

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by hvert

I hope it's your husband looking at your emails and not the kid!

It was. I talked to him today and he told me I checked out your email last night. I was like Kewl. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that after 8 years he should get it through his head that he can trust me but old habits die hard. Maybe I'm warped but I found it sweet

Kid didn't call today so maybe he got the message we'll see