Trigger Warning, DV. Blindsided this morning.

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My H hit me this morning. Came home from work in a sh^tty mood and lost it because I wouldn't do what he wanted. Wasn't expecting that. He rarely gets physical. Usually just (just) emotional ****. Broke his tablet throwing it at the wall too. All in front of the six year old.
Of course he's all sorry now and wanting to have sex. Well, at least it put him to sleep, even though I feel like I should bill him for the pleasure.
Sorry, this is a *****post. I just want to tell someone. I really need out of this situation.
I hate this helpless nowhere to go feeling. I don't look like the kind of person who should be in an abusive marriage. I'm educated, to all appearances I'm capable and together. Feel like I'd be laughed out of a DV group. And emotional stuff is so subtle anyway...

Can you leave? You're worth more than that. And your child should not be exposed to that type of situation.

I've known quite a few people in abusive marriages. This is what I've learned: 1. No one ever thinks they'll ever be in an abusive relationship. They always assumed they'd leave long before it ever got to that point. 2. Battered women come from all different walks of life. 3. If it was as easy as "just leave him", no one would be in an abusive relationship.

Stay strong and do whatever's right for you.

I don't make enough money to support us yet, and I work nights. I need to hurry up and get a new job. It's an uphill battle against myself though. I feel overwhelmed with containing myself so I don't trigger a verbal assault - It's been better lately because I've stopped responding when he tries to bait me. I was really blindsided by what happened this morning.

I need sleep myself, I got home from work around 3am and I was up at 7 to get the kids to school. And I have another 10 hour shift tonight Head hurts.
Thanks for listening

I'm so sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself. Usually when these things happen, they just don't happen once. You're worth it.

I can only hope that you have some family who will help you out of this situation and soon. You don't deserve to be treated like this and having sex with him after, I'm not sure what kind of message that is sending...this may get really ugly, and your child doesn't need to see this. Please please please get away as soon as you can.
My first husband hit me once, that was enough, and I was gone but I had no children at the time. I know disrupting everything doesn't feel like a good idea, but really IT IS! Is there a shelter you can go to? Or change the locks and get him to pay support? Big hug and prayer for you.

(((Shakey)))
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry!
You need to concentrate on your safety plan, and if that involves keeping your head down, having sex etc, well, whatever it takes for now. Please don't feel bad about that.
I worked in dv services for eight years. We had amazing, strong, educated people, doctors, teachers, judges....anyone can be affected by abuse. And anyone would try and make it work for the sake of a child. You would not get laughed out of a dv group, and I think that you need to contact your local dv support service now. Get some support, make a plan.
I don't know the set up with you, in the uk anyone escaping dv can access a safe house and get help with rehoming etc.
Maybe have a look and see whats about in your area?
In the meantime, if you can, it's a good idea to get some money stored up somewhere. Know where your passport is, medical card, car keys....maybe start taking a few items to work with you, start filling a bag there, some things for your child too, eg favourite toy, book etc.
I know it is exhausting walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around trying not to agitate anything...look after yourself as best you can.
Big big hugs and thoughts going your way.
Xxxxxxx

Shakey huge ((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry to hear about this. I have been involved in 3 violent relationships, and getting out is the hardest part. Once it's over, and you are separate, and safe NOTHING seems impossible! Is there a Sister Care where you live? Here in my state they have group counseling, housing assistance, emergency shelter, legal aid, all sorts of help for battered women. Please reach out to us whenever you need to! I won't judge you, I promise.

Oh, and as for the old Sex-And-Make-Up Ploy, been there done that. He's likely to add Rapist to his title if you refuse it. They can't admit they are wrong or say they are sorry, but they think if we let them have sex with us, we are over it. I'm so so sorry!!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. And with a child

I'm in a similar relationship. Verbal and emotional abuse is horrible. My fiance "rarely" gets physical too. But that's the problem: it shouldn't be a "rarely". No one should ever lay a hand on you in anger. And there shouldn't be any verbal "assults". And the sex afterwards...my fiance tried that **** on me. I flat out told him we could have sex, but I didn't want to so it would be rape. I don't believe in "make-up" sex ever; and imo there is no way to "make-up" for abuse of any kind expect for getting help and never doing it again.

My T helped me with an "escape" plan. Have you made one yet? Mine solely consists of how to get out of the house safely. I have done some research on options for if I do leave him, but for now the options are worse. There is help out there for if/when you do decide to leave him. I don't know if you have pets, but at my humane society they have a program that takes care of battered women's pets until they are able to take care of them themselves again. Do a little research. You don't have to make any decisions, but at least you'll be aware of your options. You and your child's safety is what's most important!

((Shakey))

I don't think anyone at a DV group will laugh.

It took me so long to leave. I had convinced myself that I successfully had kept my kids safe - until the day they called me from my son's high school to report that he had written a blog entry that described my being abused when he was younger and that he had considered suicide then. That was it - I might not protect myself , but my kids!!

I wish I had had all the advise about the emergency plans. Before I had really decided when to leave , I started stockpiling stuff ( like new silverware, and new towels, and LOL, tampons) , tucking it away for when I could actually leave. I even packed some special Christmas ornaments separately. It gave me a sense of some power over the situation at the time- and really came in handy when I left with $400.00 , no credit card and a daughter. I don't know what can help for you right now - just know to keep from being isolated.

That's our greatest fear. ("Us" being battered women.) That people won't understand WHY we stay, why we take that bad treatment, and how hard it is to break away.

Although I know in my head that I'm worth better, to tell that to the little corner of my heart that is still ashamed of being "one of THOSE women" if you know what I mean.

We all deserve better! And CE, I wouldn't ever laugh. I promise.

That's another aspect that many of us have been in. It's like putting ourselves last again because it never seems like it's financially the right time.

I think there's some new where to look ideas, mentioned, so far, in this thread.

That sucks. I hope you find a way out or can find a way to live on the income you have now --- are there any emergency subsidized housing vouchers where you are?

Maybe look for a women's shelter just in case and think about a safety plan.

Thanks everyone. I'm at work so... I'm going to look around and see what there is in the way of help - legal aid and such. I don't want a custody battle on my hands, and I don't trust him with our son (he has SNs) and for very good reason. I figure I could manage with food stamps and housing assistance on my current income, but the big issue is that I work nights, and it's coming into busy season where I'm going to be working 60-70 hour weeks. My plan was to wait til new year, when I would have some money saved from the busy season and hopefully a new job. This morning scared me though. He's snapped before, but it has had more of a build up to it. That happened almost out of nowhere. And I feel like a cheap wh^re for letting him use me afterwards. I just didn't want to listen to the whining...
Anyhoo, gotta go back to work

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Who hasn't given in, at some point? Don't be so hard on yourself.

What's SN? Is SSI a possibility for your child, if you were to leave an abusive marriage? Ever plugged in the child support calculator? Financial legal support, while under the same roof, factors your husband's wages. These are things to research, as safety planning.

Don't feel like a cheap wh0re! You did what kept you and your child safe. Let's castigate the @$$ who hurt you instead!

There's never a "good" time to leave. In the end you just have to hold your nose and jump.

Having said that, a little bit of preparation is sensible.

There isn't a 'type' of abused person; domestic violence is an equal opportunity crime. And emotional is still abuse just different from physical but emotional leaves invisible wounds.

It is difficult to end an abusive relationship. It is hard to leave someone you still love.

Here is a video you may find interesting. Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Talk Video | TED.com

^^^^Yoda, one message I actually took from the video, was that just because we were victims once, doesn't mean we are destined to continuously repeat that type of relationship.

Having to share custody, isn't ideal, yet, maybe you'll be lucky, like me in a way, and time is minimal?

JustShakey,

I'm so sorry.

Do you want to leave him, and it's just a matter of planning, or do you hope the relationship can be saved?

Is he willing to do couple's counseling with a focus on DV?

I've seen it both ways -- one where the couple splits up and others where the abuser truly does change.

Either way, you deserve to feel safe in your own home. We all do.

So, I kinda left. I'm in a shelter with my kids. Told T what happened and well, here I am. I think I'm pretty numbed out right now honestly. Haven't a clue what's going to happen next...

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Already tried to save this marriage. T was our couples' counselor before he was my T. H was handed plenty of opportunities to change. He knew better than everyone.

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