[NYgirl21]

I will try to keep this short, my past posts kind of reveal details of this relationship.

I have been in a 2 year on and off relationship with someone who I fell in love with fast. He was fast moving and was "amazing" in the beginning, when times are great he is exactly who I want in a partner, when times are bad- they are bad and he is nowhere to be found and runs away. My problem is I can't find the strength to get out, I'm scared of what could happen, and I'm also scared of losing something that could be wonderful.

My friends and family know everything and are "scared for me" they do not want me involved with this guy and see him as a manipulative controlling man. I can't argue because I have shared a lot with them, but of course they don't see it when times are good or what I see. Anyway, most recently he broke up with me saying that I wasn't the girl worth putting 2 feet in- during our relationship it was never me doubting him or us, it was always him flirting with exes or being less than truthful about where he was/what he was doing etc., he never cheated but he did meet women during our month long "breaks" which he justifies. I was just moving on from him, finally picking the pieces up and he comes back into my life last week full force. He drove 12 hours from Florida on my door step to tell me he loved me and coulne't live without me, that everything he nagged on didnt mean anything and that I had everything he wanted and needed. He gave me a very expensive diamond band as a "promise" and reached out to my parents through e-mail professing his love and appologizing for not living up to the man I deserve to be with. This was all very overwhelming for me, but I couldn't resist all of this.

I sort of feel it was a control tactic, or way to suck me back in, but now I am in too deep as I saw him for 4 days straight, an amazing 4 days with the man I fell in love with, have a ring that I don't feel like I want to keep but he wont take back, and am hiding all of this from my friends and family. He has re-stationed to my town at the end of the month and I am terrified. I want to believe he has changed, as he claims to realize that I am the one for him all of a sudden, he said when he started the relationship he was just out of a relationship himself and just wasn't sure what he wanted but selfishly didnt want to lose me. I am torn between feeling like it is apparant I deserve to be with someone who knows they want to be with me and doesnt play games for 2 years, and feeling like myabe THIS time he has really changed and "seen the light." I don't like to base decisions on what others think, but when I have a majority of my friends and family saying they are scared for me that he is dangerous and a manipulator and want nothing to do with him- I worry I am living with rose colored glasses on. I see the issues, but I also see the man that provides me with a lot. I'm afraid I have too much resentment and hurt/pain to let him back in. From the beginning he always found little things to "judge" me on, for instance he once told me I "lacked substance" because he felt I was a cookie cutter girl - referncing the fact that I got my under grad, grad degree and have had a very successulf govt job...he found pictures of me partying in my 20s durnig college and basically told me that he needs someone with more substance who isn't a party girl and had to "struggle" through life (I paid for my education and havbe lived on my own since 20). He has also had several drunk episodes where he has disrespected me in front of friends.... what am I thinking and why am I not seeing this man is not safe? I am falling for all of his words, a ring, and his efforts of driving and reaching out to my family. I am overwhelmed because I can't find the power and strength within to say no.

Side note: I also hang on to his past because past is a great indicator of future, right? I actually never let it get in the way of becoming close to him until recently when I see a pattern. He is 30 with 2 children (different mothers/diff country- he's military), he has been divorced, engaged, and seems to have a string of back to back relationships where cheating or not being faithful was a reason for the break ups... he has "womanizing" tendencies and is very charming. Ive caught him sexting exes while we were tog and his excuse was that he was bored he apologized, we broke up and he would come back begging forgiveness for his err, now his reasons were he admits he wasn't all in during the relationship with me, and he wasnt sure what he wnated but now he is ready to commit. I am 31, independent own a home, financially stable, have my bachelor and masters, and truely amazing family and friends around me. He has gotten into arguments with my best friend whom he only knew for a few months and because he disagreed with how she was speaking to her boyfriend he lost it and told her what a horrible woman she was (in an intimidating way). I am genuinly a good person, I care too much about others, and I love deeply- I see through people and into their "souls", I know that may sound dramatic, but I see through their bad to their good and I see this man is just very messed up from some things that have happened. He is sweet and charming to me, he takes care of me and my house, and cares about my life--- but the examples above show that those are all surface things and he runs away when I do "something" that he doesn't agree with.

[ChipperMonkey]

Uhm, what's so great about this guy? Maybe I'm missing something?

The thing is that EVERY abusive person has a charming side. Its all a part of the cycle of abuse. They are nasty in one way or another, but then they reel you back in with their sweet talk. The cycle just repeats over and over and over again. And the thing is that so many people are willing to dismiss the nasty side of these people because they think the good side is enough to overshadow the bad. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. No guy is perfect, but this guy leaves so much to be desired. Don't you think you deserve a guy who wants to truly jump in with both feet? Don't you think you deserve a guy who can resist texting his ex's when he's bored? Don't you think you deserve a guy who can show you and your loved ones basic respect? Geesh, this guy really is a piece of work! I hope you can see that you deserve better!

[NYgirl21]

This is why I am scared, why am I not seeing this- I get it's volitile, manipulative and abusive but for whatever reason I cant fully grasp it... the things I can say that are great about him are the surface things I mentioned, ie. cleaning/cooking/taking part and caring about my health and left/motivating me/encouraging me, hes affectionate, loving and gives me all the attention I could ask for, hes funny, we have a great time together and are very open with each other. Those are all the things I love, but the bad things should negate these- texting others or not committing, being cruel to my friends, etc. Its when I talk to him and he shows up at my door with a ring (that means nothing to be other than showing me he thinks a diamond will win me back) with explanations that I almost agree with, and confesses his love for me- everything i have wanted to hear, everything that would make this the perfect relationship. Hes blowing smoke, I can see it, but I can grasp or believe it because he is so good at the surafce things of being an amazing boyfriend, and now telling me he wants to be the man I deserve makes me hang on. Thank you for your time, and i hope I can see this soon too because I am scared for myself...

[Lemon Curd]

I am scared for You.
What's your bottom line with him? Do you even have any boundaries with him?
As far as I'm concerned he has already crossed over many lines with his violence.
It sounds like, you may already be lost in the addictive cycle of his obsessive behavior.
I personally feel he is without a doubt using you. You are quite the catch. House, professional & he knows you're into him.
If he could live off you, when no one better is around, he will. Guaranteed, girlfriend, he will make your life miserable.
You are worth so much more!
Your lack of self worth & self-esteem draws him to you.
He knows he can take advantage of you whenever he wants.
Your story makes my blood run cold.
I do care about what will happen to you.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug*

[hvert]

On/off relationships can be really addictive. The highs and lows you describe remind me of some of the bad relationships I've had in the past. When it's good, it's really, really good, and when it's bad, it's awful.

There is a better life out there when you step away from the drama. It takes a lot of willpower to do it, but it is better in the long run, in my opinion. The first few guys you date after this one might seem boring in comparison, but sooner or later you will find someone who is exciting, fulfilling, AND who treats you right, without all the crazymaking behavior and put downs.

[lilypup]

I only read the first paragraph of this post to know there is only bad news ahead for you. You really need to cut your losses and get out now. Cut off absolutely all contact and stay with it. Good luck.

[~Christina]

If your girlfriend was in the situation that you wrote above ... What would you tell her?

[NYgirl21]

I would tell my girlfriend to run! Nobody deserves some of the things I have heard and had to deal with, so I'm not sure what I am even questioning.

I don't think I have ever felt what a normal relationship feels like, so when there isn't that drama or worry or ups and downs, I get "bored" or it doesn't feel right. When I have a loving attentive guy who has good intentions, I tend to not feel that passion/chemistry/spark that I felt with this ex. I'm scared I have lost sense of what is a good relationship, or how being in a healthy relationship should feel, or how to be treated. I'll get there though, thanks everyone!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by NYgirl21

I would tell my girlfriend to run! Nobody deserves some of the things I have heard and had to deal with, so I'm not sure what I am even questioning.

I don't think I have ever felt what a normal relationship feels like, so when there isn't that drama or worry or ups and downs, I get "bored" or it doesn't feel right. When I have a loving attentive guy who has good intentions, I tend to not feel that passion/chemistry/spark that I felt with this ex. I'm scared I have lost sense of what is a good relationship, or how being in a healthy relationship should feel, or how to be treated. I'll get there though, thanks everyone!

It would feel uncomfortable and boring because it's not what you are used to.
Why want drama? Why want extreme ups and downs?
He's displayed reasons to be viewed as not trustworthy. If there's no trust, how can there be love? Without love, where's the relationship?
Sounds all Walt Disney and stuff....he drove 12 hours to give a promise ring and spend four blissfilled days. Now that he's gone, facing the friends and family seems taboo.
It sounds like the bad boy with the rebellious good girl saga retold.

[NYgirl21]

Love is nothing without trust, that is the truth. Thank you.

[hvert]

It may also be uncomfortable and boring because you go for really boring (to you) people when you aren't dating bad boys, like the polar opposite. Definitely what I did for a while, until I found the right blend of nice/bad!

[NYgirl21]

That's an interesting point. I need to heal the damage caused by this man first before