Where to go from here

My fiancee and I have been having a rough time. We are still relatively young (early 20s) and have been together since high school. We are planned to get married in a year and a half. Our whole relationship she has been a bit of a boss in the relationship. This was something that I really didn't mind, although it did start to get old. She is working very hard on her career and is currently in medical school. A big theme in our relationship has been the equality of workload between us. I have been out of school and working for a few years now and have taken over a lot of the household chores while she would study and work towards her degree. I didn't mind that as I would have to do all that stuff living on my own anyways. So every day, I would get back from work, get dinner ready, make lunches, clean up, etc. and by around 8-9 I was done and ready to relax and unwind for the night. This is a problem for her as she is not impressed with my job. I went to school for engineering, but because of a poor job market, I found a job working for less than I would with my degree. I've grown in the company and have a lot of promise here, but my fiancee is so hellbent on me doing great things like her that she won't allow me to use my free time at night to relax. I have to spend my night applying for new jobs. Since she is working so hard I have to.
Recently, because of some free time from school she's had we've started preliminary planning for the wedding. This has got her all upset, because during her free time she has done so much and I haven't done enough on my own. I know out of experience that we are going to go with anything that she wants, so I make sure to include myself in the planning, but don't stray away from her plans. This has annoyed her and she has started lashing out. She constantly complains about me to her family and now they are questioning my motives for marrying her and if we should actually get married. She told me last night that her father thinks that I am the weakest person he has ever met. I am constantly being told I am a screw up and that I'm slow and stupid because I don't try and understand her feelings. I know that I can be frustrating, because I do tend to forget things and that gets very annoying to someone with her personality. Honestly, she has so many belittling things to me that it is hard to even remember them because they are so sad. All I can remember is the feeling of sadness. Last night we were arguing and she told me that she feels that I don't listen to her enough and act enough to make her feel better and that she doesn't even care to listen about my problems with her until I try and fix my part. Only after I have appeased (my words not hers) her will she consider listening to my problems. She constantly threatens me with ultimatums and mentions how happy she could be without me. Last night, she did just that. I had been listening to her cry and listening to her feelings but sprinkled in her cries were attacks on me to the point where she told me that she should find someone else. At that point, I got fed up and yelled at her that she should stop threatening me. She came back that I can't feel anything or listen unless I'm directly attacked and that all I care about is myself.

She kicks me out (or tries to) at least once a month and if I am able to get out the door it is my fault that I left. She will call or text me 10 mins after a left expressing disappointment that I didn't come back to her and that she is always the one to try and get back in touch. Today I have been getting texts left and right at work saying things like "I really would love it if you were able to have deep discussions with me about your feelings about me" and "I would love it if you could start coming up with ways on your own to show me you care and want me to feel special too." I feel that she has been so mean to me lately that its ridiculous that I have to break down and explain how much I love and care about her.

I'm not perfect. I understand that I do do things that upset her and are validated. But I don't think the way she has been reacting to it is validated at all. It's been a constant bashing on my every night for the past three weeks. If I try to leave, she makes me feel guilty for giving up on the relationship. Her family has even told her that they don't think I'd put up a fight for the relationship if she told me it was over. I don't know how I can win.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to get my family involved just yet because I still have to talk with them about funding part of the wedding and I can't bare to ask my family for money if they know this. I can't defend myself to her because if I do, I'm just being smug and elitist to her. I didn't realize that defend personal attacks on yourself makes you smug. I just needed to get this out. Thank you. I apologize for the disjointedness of this post.

hi newjogo
well I think you expressed your feelings pretty well in this post. are you able to tell her these things? she wants to have a deep meaningfull discussions, let her know the games she is playing and how worthless she makes you feel. what kind of relationship do you have when she is pushing yu out the door once a month? she is insecure wanting you to fight and beg your way back. that is not a healthy relationship. nothing about this relationship is healthy. she wants it her way or there is a fight, but then you are spineless for not expressing yourself. there is no way you can win here. exactly why are you marrying her? put together a pro/con list and see the benefits and drawbacks. seek marriage counseling if you really want it to work.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

She wants to have deep, meaningful discussions....about her.

She is a classic narcissist, probably complicated by some "daddy" issue. I'm not saying you may not have some issues of your own, but it won't matter....this thing will not end well.

Save yourself some grief and make an exit before it gets more complicated.

if you want to look at it from another perspective...what is making her so insecure? are you perhaps not giving her enough attention, not making her feel secure in the relationship? that she has to keep nagging you for attention. are her needs not being met in a way that she understands?

Jeez.

Don't feel guilty about "giving up on the relationship".

From what you say, and this is my opinion only, this will not get better. Counselling may help, but do you want to bother?

She's not respecting you and you deserve respect.

It sounds like you two have a lot of problems to work through before/if you get married.

I see some huge red flags here. The bossiness, controlling, and lack of satisfaction with anything you do are huge, huge problems. You are working full time and doing all the household stuff? That sounds unbalanced. Is she doing a residency right now or just studies? Are you supporting her financially?

How do you know what her father says about you? Is she repeating his rude and hurtful comments?

She needs to stop telling you what to do with your time, stop telling you that you need to be X or Y. She needs to accept you for who you are, not who she wants you to be.

I am not sure if controlling people can change. Has she asked if there is anything she is doing that makes you love her less? Does she want to change in anyway to make this relationship better or does she just blame all of it on you?

I would bring up couples therapy and if she shoots it down? Well then you have her answer, she isn't going to or want to change. You can move on knowing you tried.

Don't be a doormat.

I agree with the fact that people always wanting control are complex. I was in a relationship for 8yrs that was basically me being a controlled. I was doormat and was always "appeasing so as not to have a fight." And you know how it ended? I was kicked out of the house because I wasn't wanted anymore.
Don't let that happen to you. You are a great hard-working person. In my opinion. Let her go. Find someone who REALLY appreciates you for who you are. Unless BOTH of you compromise this won't be very successful for you because it doesn't sound like she wants to.

I hope she does compromise because it means that she's willing to make an adjustment for your happiness. And your feelings of being respected are important in a marriage. There is no place for belittling on either party's side. That's just cruel and unnecessary!

I hope things work out for your happiness and well-being.