[guilloche]

My mom recently retired. She now wants to visit more frequently (it looked like she was aiming for 2x/year at one point, but we seem to be settling more towards 1x/year).

This causes me a ton of stress. It's not that we *fight* - we don't. It's that we don't really relate at all. It's all very superficial, there's no real connection, my mom is unable to actually listen/respond to anything negative, and honestly, she was just emotionally absent and neglectful my whole childhood.

I get that a lot of this is her stuff... and probably stems from her childhood, but her visits cause me SO much stress.

And, she doesn't ASK. She tells me when she will be coming. Last time she did this, last spring, she told me one weekend (which I cleared), and then bought plane tickets for another weekend. She also decided to leave Monday morning, which meant I had to get up before 5am to see her off (I usually get up around 8, she's always up early.)

It's just not fun for me... and weekends are the only time I have to get errands done, and decompress from "the job that is making me hate my life even more".

So my question is... how do you deal with stuff like this? Given that she doesn't exactly *ask*, I have trouble finding a window to say "no". She basically told me on our last phone call, "Oh, I have to come see you and celebrate your birthday! We'll have to plan something for January!"

I told her definitely not January, just like I told her last year... because she'll end up snowed in here!!!! So now she's saying March.

Is there a nice, polite way to say, "Mom, I'm glad that you want to spend time with me... but I've had a really stressful year in 2014, and am not planning to have any guests in the near future. If you're going to be in town (staying in a hotel or with friends), I'd be happy to meet you for dinner one night. Otherwise, I'll let you know when I'm up for guests."

Does that sound awful? And, yeah, I'm probably going to have to print this out and run it by my T - "mom issues" was definitely on my list of "things I need help with" !

Thanks!

[MissMultiProblem]

Hi there!
You don't sound awful - your mother does!
If you ask me, what you wrote is nice and polite way to say it. I would use the same.
Good luck!

[guilloche]

Thanks MissMultiProblem! I appreciate the feedback.... and thanks for saying that I don't sound awful! Mom stuff is hard!

[Trippin2.0]

You don't sound awful to me either, but I'm having trouble grasping the gravity of your situation...


To me 1 annual visit with a relative you don't relate to doesn't seem like too much too bear...


Would you rather not see her at all then?

That is another option open to you.


Next time she tells you she's visiting, tell her you already have plans for that weekend... Or your response in your OP will also suffice, not sure of the relationship dynamic.


Like I said, I'm having trouble grasping the gravity of your situation.

[healingme4me]

Doesn't sound awful. I find what you want to say, direct and to the point.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You don't sound awful to me either, but I'm having trouble grasping the gravity of your situation...
To me 1 annual visit with a relative you don't relate to doesn't seem like too much too bear...
Like I said, I'm having trouble grasping the gravity of your situation.

Not to put words into the OP's mouth, but - its kinda like having a meeting with the Pope, but youre not Catholic.

I spent my whole life playing my part in her charade - i cannot do it one minute longer.

[guilloche]

Trippin 2.0 -

I'm not sure if I can explain it. There are many parts, and I don't understand it all clearly yet. Mostly, I feel like I just cease to exist around her. She's very superficial and not direct, and... I don't know. It's painful and stressful for me. I feel like I shouldn't need any more justification than that. It's PAINFUL.

And my entire childhood was like that. I didn't matter. The message I got, often said directly, was "leave me alone... don't bother me... don't be an imposition... I don't want to hear it."

I had a brother that was extremely violent growing up. My mother's response was, "that's just what brothers do" and "Ignore him, he just wants attention." There were other things... a couple instances where my mother basically handed me and my siblings off to complete strangers to be looked after. At least once, this did not turn out well... and has pretty much affected the rest of my life (oh yay for "trauma").

This year has already been stressful... one thing after the other, unremitting. My job is getting worse and worse. I've started therapy, but coming from a family that stressed "don't talk about anything" - that hasn't exactly been a happy, fun experience.

I can deal with her in short bursts. I can maintain a phone relationship with minimal stress. When she was working, she would come through my city every few years, and we'd grab dinner one night. That's fine. But I can't deal with feeling like a prisoner in my own home. It's too much. It's MY house. I've worked hard to get myself OUT of my mom's house (and to survive until that could happen!), and to create a life, even if it's not an amazing life, where I could be independent and free of my family's craziness.

I don't live in the same state as ANY of my family. That's not an accident.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Sorry if this came off harsh. I'm struggling a bit yesterday and today. Adding mom issues to the other things going on is just so not helpful

Thanks.

[~Christina]

Instead of her telling you when she is coming . Why not call her and tell her X time or Z time is what will work for you. The power is now held by you. Since she is retired I don't see why you can't name a time your available.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for the added insight, I appreciate your efforts at helping me understand better.


I tend to agree with Chris, your house is your court, the ball is in your hands. Don't allow her to take it from you.


Ps. If that were my mom I would avoid her altogether, she should be grateful you keep in contact at all.

[guilloche]

Thanks ~Christina and Trippin2.0. I appreciate it.

Part of it is, I just need a break from her. I don't really want her coming at all in 2015 - not coming and taking over my house. I can deal with it if she comes to town and stays in a hotel or with friends (she has a ton of friends locally to socialize with, despite not having lived here, go figure). But I don't really deal well with the invasion of space and the 24x7 time together, it's just too much...

Thanks... I see T on wednesday, so I guess this goes up on my ever-growing list of stuff to talk to him about!

Your mom sounds a bit like my mom