I have a question that I have no seen anyone ask this on here ..

When you meet a new person in your life ( this can be friendship or lover ) for me it's friendship , how do you handle the BIG DREADED QUESTIONS they ask ..

So tell me about yourself ?
My heart sinks to the floor , I hate that question !

Ummm ...
That is a " Trigger Topic " for me I don't know what to say ... I stumble with words , because I don't want to scare them away if I tell them the REAL me .
I have told people about my life and they run to the hills or they want to use me for experience !

How dose one be honest and yet not scare people away .
I am so hungry for friendship that I don't know what a normal friendship dose without crossing into the bed .

I am a married woman and I have not been faithful to my husband because I cross the line with men and woman if they want me in a sexual way , I am unable to stand up due to past abuse . Something inside me dies and I do things that I normal would not be doing .

Should I just not bother in meeting new people , I don't know what to do .
I miss having a face to face friendship . I have 0 friends that I see .

[hvert]

I also hate open ended questions like that because I can never think of what to say.

I would treat those 'big' questions the same way I treat 'how are you?' People, in my experience, don't really want real answers, not when they are just getting to know you. They just want you to tell them something that is enough to start a conversation with.

It's perfectly reasonable to just answer by telling them about the last movie you saw or some kind of project/hobby you have. You can follow up with a question of your own, too.

If someone keeps prying even after that, I would think they were too nosy for my tastes.

I always get the ones who want to know everything childhood and all , and I am so scared to say anything , but I don't want to lie either as it always back fires at the end .

My mind just go blank and I am lost with words

[socialschiz]

Oh, I can definately understand. I stumble over my words all the time. Try not to share too much too fast, in my experience it has led to what I said being used against me. As for the personal inquiries, I have that problem too. You don't wanna be rude but also don't want to answer anything too personal. I would tell them in a nice but firm way that I'd rather not discuss that but then again I have communication troubles so listen to some other replies first! Good luck

I have done that .
I would say to them I rather not get into my personal life and they were offended and well fine if you want to be like that then kiss off !

I'm like WTF just happen ??

The thing is everything is a trigger so any topic is not good for me to talk about .
I wish I could be friends and just not talk about me and I know that wont happen

[hvert]

People who pry like that would make crappy friends anyway, so at least you aren't missing much. There are definitely people who *aren't* like that out there, so hopefully you will run into some soon.

[socialschiz]

The problem is that people get offended too easily. Just reverse it on them. When they start asking you too many questions, respond without going into too much and then fire off as many questions as you can to them. They won't like it and will hopefully get the hint.

[guilloche]

Oh wow, I can imagine how hard it must be if the question "tell me about yourself" is a trigger. I can see how hard that would make it to get in conversations with people!

Do people really say that often? (It does seem really general?) Or do any "getting to know you questions" trigger you?

I think the key is... when people ask that, maybe try to substitute in your head another question. Like.. they really don't want to know *everything* about you, they're just looking for some point of commonality to start a conversation. So, maybe have a couple of brief prepared answers, and then practice turning the conversation back to them...

Like this:

Maybe you meet someone in a class...
A: Tell me about yourself?
B: Well, I'm really excited to be in this class! I've wanted to take a class like this for ages, but was a bit nervous... and now I'm so glad that I took the chance! How about you?

re: Personal questions that you don't want to answer, it's perfectly ok to be vague and non-committal (and as much as I hate to say it, sometimes to tell little white lies... for example, my brother is actually in jail. That's not something I'd tell people when I first meet them! If they asked about siblings, I usually just mention my sister... and then ask them about their family. If they ask if it's just me and my sister, I might say, "I've got a younger brother, but we're not that close."

I've found that most sane, normal people can pick up on it when you subtly steer the conversation away from something like your family, and won't poke - they are trying to be friendly and amiable! If they DO go in like a shark after things that are painful, or can't respect your boundaries, then they're really not worth having as friends... because they're going to be like this with everything. I don't know, I don't want pushy people like that as friends, anyway... I want people that respect boundaries!

And... are you working with a therapist on learning to stand up to people and enforce your boundaries? This seems like the type of thing a therapist could be very helpful with... and could save you a lot of future pain.

*good luck*

I'm fine with general chat a( weather , movies , advice ,and so on )
I don't mind talking about my past if I have the control and if I feel ready and even doing that I still have lost friends because I didn't say it sooner.

Example ; I met a friend on line and we clicked met her in person and we went to clubs and yes I was married and still going out .

Anyways we were talking about stuff and I told her I was in a mental Hospital for many months and she just flipped out because I didn't tell her sooner and she thought I was hiding it from her .

I hate that my name is the first trigger it's not a common name so people ask me what dose it mean and I swear my anger is at the tip of my mouth and I want to flip out and say it's non of your F ing business .

There was a time I lied about my name so people would not ask me , but I felt like such a fake . I lie so much about hiding my past , saying my parents died in a car wreck but the truth was I was a banded as a baby , who wants to say that to people ?
So just my name alone I don't even get a break .

I was seeing a T but she felt she was not a good fit for me and told me someone who was that was a few weeks ago and I have not called to meet the new T because I am just tired of all of this run around it's stressing me out . I am afraid of people . people scare me but I am so lonely tI am stuck in the house all day while husband and kids are off living there life . Everything is just messed up don't know my left to my right at this point .

[guilloche]

(((Nature1968)))

I'm sorry that your friend reacted so badly when you told her you had been hospitalized. That's awful. I think it says more about your friend than you though... to me, it seems crazy and unrealistic to expect someone is just going to tell you their entire life history when you first meet. You weren't *hiding* it - you just hadn't had the right opportunity (and felt safe enough) to share it yet. There's a big difference. I'm sorry that you got hurt though

And, I'm sorry that your name is a trigger for you too. I don't like my name, and have thought about changing it. Have you ever thought about something like that? It seems drastic, but I think it could be a way to reclaim some power in the world! If you don't want to do that, you could try using your middle name? Lots of people seem to do that, so it's not an unusual thing.

I understand about the stress with calling up a new T. Could you try looking her up online, to see if you can get a feel for her? That usually helps me to feel a little tiny bit more comfortable - so she's not a total stranger. I hope you're able to get in touch with her, when you're ready, and that she's helpful!

Yes... I agree... people can be very frightening, and difficult, and confusing! I'm thinking it's a little bit of a numbers game... you meet alot of people, most of them aren't a good match, but if you can find a handful that make good friends, then that's what counts!

We had been friends for like 3 months and then I told her , I think in a way the reason why I even told her was because I was testing her to see if she would still be my friend or was she just using me . She failed the test . They all failed the test and I guess if I met me I would fail it because that is what happens .

I hate the feeling of being used it's the worse feeling to know your being used .
I was always upset that my adopted parents never changed my name I never liked it , they told me , that was what they gave me at the children's home as I have no record of my history of my birth parents .

I looked into changing my name a few years ago but it would of cost a bit of money to change everything and you would have to go to court and explain why and I was not up for all that drama .

So I did the next best thing lie about my name and I just didn't feel right and I tell myself it's a nick name people always use a nick name and not there real name but for some reason it just doesn't sit right with me .

Everytime I think about picking up the phone to call my new T voice's in my head say don't do it . If things don't get better I will force myself into a mental hospital and sign in , but I don't feel safe in a hospital bad memories from before.

[guilloche]

Hi Nature...

I'm so sorry that your friend didn't understand. Sometimes though, it's either too soon to talk about serious stuff like that (it freaks people out if they don't know you well enough), or sometimes people get triggered by their own stuff and run away. I'm like... I think that I hurt alot of people in my past (unintentionally) because their stuff triggered me, and I just disappeared on them, and they never understood why. It's hard!

And, sorry about your name. Just for the record, I absolutely do not think there's anything wrong with using a "nickname". I wouldn't think twice about it if I met someone and found out they were using a nickname because they didn't like their real name. In fact, there was a guy in college I knew that had a very difficult to pronounce Russian name, but he went by "Steve" because it was easier, and he liked it better. I've got another friend now with a Korean name that sounds a bit odd in English and difficult for people to understand, so she tried using a more Americanized name for awhile and I think still does on her personal email. It's totally ok.

The other option is - if your name lends itself to making an actual nickname out of, so that it is still the same name, but maybe less triggering? But I'm sure you've already thought about that... and sorry, I feel like I'm in problem-solving mode and maybe not being super helpful.

I would still encourage you to call the new T. Even if just to get a chance to talk with her and see if you might possibly click. Or to do one session, but don't commit to more until you feel comfortable. You mentioned not feeling safe in the hospital, and I would think that the T could help you dealing with everything going on now in the best way possible, to give you the best shot at avoiding the hospital!

(((Nature))) good luck!

Thank you for talking to me I know it's not easy when you don't know the person . But you have help me calm down and I think I will try again with the nick name because , I just can't use my real name as it becomes a topic of questions and I know they are just wondering and have no idea that it's not just a simple question as it is a name with a reason .

Maybe the more I use the nick name the less guilty I will feel , and can heal in some
way .

You said somethings people trigger you and you stop talking to them maybe I am doing that as well , can you give me an example that would make you not talk to someone ?

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

Thank you for talking to me I know it's not easy when you don't know the person . But you have help me calm down and I think I will try again with the nick name because , I just can't use my real name as it becomes a topic of questions and I know they are just wondering and have no idea that it's not just a simple question as it is a name with a reason .

Maybe the more I use the nick name the less guilty I will feel , and can heal in some
way .

You said somethings people trigger you and you stop talking to them maybe I am doing that as well , can you give me an example that would make you not talk to someone ?

I'm glad to be able to talk to you. If I seem to disappear, please don't take it personally - I'm in my own therapy and struggling a bit with my own life, so sometimes I have to get away from the computer and deal with "real life".

I hope you have success with your nickname. Really, there is no reason at all to feel guilty! It's hard if people already know you (it's hard for people to start calling you by a different name), but for new people... all you have to say is something like, "My friends call me Nature".

Sure, I can give you a couple examples of things that have made me freak out. It's probably not the same stuff that you're doing though!

For example, in college, there was a nice guy that I was good friends with. I adored him as a friend, and we hung out quite alot (we lived on the same floor in the dorms). Apparently, he had a crush on me and his roommate convinced him to tell me. Not just to *tell* me, but to buy me a cute stuffed animal for Valentine's Day.

I sort of freaked out... I thought we were friends, and just freaked out (it felt scary to me!) I remember him pulling out this (cute!) stuffed animal, and I was like, "What is that? Why are you giving this to me?" It went downhill from there, and I basically ran away and hid from him for awhile.

I think we DID end up on friendly terms again, when he started dating someone else. I wish I had reacted more maturely, but it just hit all sorts of triggers for me... I'm not even sure if I know what they are now, definitely did not then. I just felt very scared, which caused me to run.

I'm sure that's not the only person I did that too. I had a good friend in college who invited me to her wedding after we had both graduated. I felt awful about myself (ugly, fat, etc.) and at that point in time, couldn't imagine being around all those people . I can't remember if I actually RSVP'ed or not, but I didn't go... and I never really talked to her again after that. I feel sad, in retrospect, because I really liked her and her husband, and I think they may have been hurt by my response, but I was in such a low, depressed, awful place...

Most of these are stories about people that I knew pretty well, and feel like I should have handled better but... the fact that I seemed to be "rejecting" these people honestly had NOTHING to do with them, and everything to do with my own craziness... (which I'm STILL working on!!!)

Oh, but maybe this is a good example... recently I had to travel for work. On the long flight home, the lovely woman next to me started up a conversation. We talked about our work, what we do, etc. It was fine. Then she told me she's a school nurse. Still fine. Then she told me she does alot of counseling for the kids she sees, they need someone to talk to. OK - that's great, but I'm a tiny bit nervous. Then she starts talking to me about how many kids are suicidal, and how teen suicide is up! YIKES! I was already freaked out from flying, miserable from the trip, and just working very hard to hold my stuff together and not freak out and get in any kind of trouble... As soon as she went down that road, I started to tune her out and give subtle signals of "nice talking to you, I'm going to curl up with my book now" - no offense at all, and not really her fault, she truly seemed like a lovely person, but I was SO not ready to go there with a stranger on a plane, and she had no idea what kind of life/problems I had... so it felt a little inappropriate. I told my T when I got back, and even he said... "wow - that's really heavy to tell a stranger on a plane!"

I don't know if any of that helps at all. I do understand how hard it is to find friends... I've been talking to my T about it lately. Having real-life friends you can do things with is so important, but it's hard for EVERYONE. I've been reading a bit of a blog (from the woman who set up a networking site for women to connect with other local women) and learning alot... here... Shasta's Friendship Blog | Inspiring Women to Create Their Best Circle of Friends

Not sure if there's anything that might be helpful to you, but you might like it. I'm finding it very interesting... a lot to think about!

Have a good night!

[guilloche]

Oh sorry, I know my last response was incredibly long. Sometimes, I can be a bit wordy!

I wanted to add... you asked what sort of things had triggered me, because (I think) you don't want to do those things to other people.

The only problem with that is... everyone will have different triggers! So, it makes it really hard... you can't know what will accidentally hit a trigger for someone until you know them much better (my opinion).

All the people that I mentioned above were truly wonderful, kind people. Very nice, very considerate - and didn't really do anything wrong. (OK, perhaps talking about suicide to a stranger on a plane is not the smartest move!) But, that was my point - they didn't do anything wrong. And if you accidentally say something that triggers someone else, YOU didn't do anything wrong either! It's just an unfortunate thing that happens.

For example, what if I had lost my little brother in a boating accident, and you happen to love boating? We're talking, and you say, "hey! It would be great if you came out with me and the family on Saturday, we're taking the boat out to the lake, it will be fun!"

If I'm a healthy person who has dealt with my stuff in therapy, I go "OK!" But, I'm not! I'm an avoidant person who has spent years of my life avoiding things that remind me of past traumas! So instead I go, "ohhhh gosh... I'd love to but... I'm going to run away now, because I don't know how else to deal with this! So sorry!"

See what I mean? You have no way of knowing! Which means, it's not your fault and not your responsibility.

Hope that helps!

Wow those were really good things you brought up and it makes sence ..

The wedding story hit the nail for me
When I got married I asked few people to come and they said yes but they never came felt horrible , but maybe it was not about me getting married they had there own problems they just never shared it with me .

Thank You !

[guilloche]

I'm glad it helped! I think it's hard for everyone... I know it's still sometimes hard for me to remember, but I had a therapist (who actually worked by email) a long time ago that really got me to understand that.

He used to tell a story of how... he might be standing in the middle of a restaurant, and some strange woman would run through and scream "wow! You're totally nuts! You're awful and horrible and crazy and don't know anything!" and run off.

His point was - he knows that he's not any of those things, so he'd assume that *she* was crazy or had some sort of issues. (Versus me at the time - I'd assume I did SOMETHING to make her say that stuff, that she had SOME sort of valid complaint!)

I think it's a good thing to learn, even though sometimes it's still hard to remember!