[LiteraryLark]

This is going to be a bit...messy? I am just going to write how I feel and it may be a little all over the place.

I've been best friends with Elsa since we were freshman in high school. She has always had horrible relationships--guys who abused her or treated her terribly. Then she met Christoph. At first, I thought he'd be just another crummy boyfriend, but it turned out he was the best thing to ever happened to her. They got engaged after a year. They are not the perfect couple. Elsa has many mental health issues and needs caretakers, and Christoph was a recent traveler who decided to settle down. They moved in together, but they were always fighting. It wasn't too long before I realized something...Christoph would be better with me. Every time they fought, that's what I would think. Elsa was the issue, not Christoph. She was weighing him down, but she was my best friend and I told myself I would never come between them. Three years past, we were all close friends. They were my best friends. I got along with Christoph very well, we had great chemistry. He'd get all my jokes and I'd get his. Things weren't going so well for Elsa and Christoph. Their fighting was to the point where Christoph was always on edge and his stress level was high. They both told me they wanted out of the relationship but didn't know how. So a couple months ago after a breakup and then getting back together with Elsa, he confessed he was in love with me, and I confessed I was in love with him. Our biggest priority was Elsa. We both really care about her and didn't want to betray her or sneak behind her back, so we agreed we'd just act "natural". They went back to fighting again and it was getting worse, and it seemed like they were planning on staying together. Tonight, I met Christoph at the local bar. We spent a good while talking, and we both wanted to be with each other, so we agreed to tell Elsa the truth, that we were in love. I drove to their house and we sat her down and told her. We told her we both cared about her and wanted to do what was best for all of us, even though it was hard. She was devastated and really upset. It's hard for me because she was my best friend and I really care about her, but they weren't happy together and I really think that it is for the best, but I feel like such a bad person because I betrayed my best friend. Christoph and I never did anything sexual, and we were upfront to her and told her when we were both ready to move on, but it feels so wrong to do something so horrible to my best friend. Does this make me a bad person for backstabbing my friend, even if I think that it would be best for all of us?

[gayleggg]

Boy, DrSkipper, that's a hard call. But I understand getting attached to someone that you know you shouldn't. My husband would say it a place you just don't go. But with my history, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's hard losing a friend and will be hard to get past the fact you betrayed her. However, it was good judgement to be honest before becoming anymore involved.

I hope you can move on and accept that it has cost you a friend. It will make it hard on your relationship with Christoph, knowing that you are together at the expense of another, but the damage is done. Hang in there and see if time won't help.

I have been in your shoes so there isn't any judgement, only empathy. I've never quite forgiven myself, but I tend to have left over guilt over a lot of things.

[hvert]

You aren't a bad person and I do think these things happen. When I was younger, I dated *several* of one friend's ex boyfriends. In hindsight, it makes sense that we had similar taste in men, but I probably should have just left it alone -- we both had bad taste in guys

[ninjamidori]

No, this doesn't make you a 'bad person'! You are not 'bad' for falling in love, nor are you 'bad' for doing what you thought was best! You were upfront about your feelings, which is much better than the alternative of sneaking around behind someones back. Unfortunately for your situation, there was no way for everyone to come out of it happy-- but, if you really think about it, it sounds like no one was happy in it either. For you and Christoph, this is a way for both of you to be together and grow in your relationship. For Elsa, this is a chance to grow as well, and find someone who truly makes her happy, instead of fighting every day.

Sounds like it's hard right now, and it may be for a while, but it also sounds like a good way to end a bad situation. You did the right thing, sunshine.

Don't worry, just focus on being happy with your life; it'll all be fine. <3

[LiteraryLark]

I could not sleep last night, and the one time I did, I had disorientating nightmares. All I could think was how I betrayed my best friend and stole her boyfriend and all those times I've had dinner with her family and how her parents will think of me now. My chest feels heavy with guilt and pain. I love Elsa, and Christoph cares for her too. I think we all deserve a chance to be happy, but it hurts so much to do so. I treasure friendships like I treasure my family. I'm extremely loyal and I've done so much for Elsa and I was always there for her when she needed me. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The next hardest thing is to tell my parents that Christoph and I are dating and why. I'm dreading this conversation, but my parents are understanding and hopefully they won't think of me badly.

[Middlemarcher]

You are not a bad person, but you have done an unethical thing. Life will go on and things will settle down, and I suspect you'll live & learn.

I do think you're kidding yourself if you think you had *everyone's* best interests in mind (particularly Elsa's). I doubt that anyone knows what is best for anyone else. You acted in your own interest. That is understandable and human. I just think you ought to consider whether you're deceiving yourself.

[Bill3]

Another approach would have been for Christoph to break off the relationship with Elsa before getting himself involved with someone else, and certainly a few months ago when he realized he was in love with you. Did they remain engaged all this time?

[Trippin2.0]

The act of betrayal is a conscious one, we don't decide how we feel or who we fall in love with, so feelings cannot be classified as a betrayal.


Had you acted on your feelings by sneaking around, that would have been betrayal.


I think you did the right thing, both you and Christof. You both tried walking away from these feelings once they became apparent to no avail, and then decided to be honest about where you're all at.


Truth be told, they did not sound like they had the makings of a long term happy couple, and hopefully in time she'll realize their break up was inevitable, with or without you in the picture.


I for one am glad you guys are being open about it, because if you "played it safe" for the sake of propriety, and started dating a few months later, it would just make it look calculated, and or possibly as if you'd been sneaking around before their break up.

This way everyone knows the score, no assumptions, no speculation, no misunderstanding.


I wish my friend had told me she liked my bf instead of doing the nasty with him behind my back. Truth be told I would've respected her and handed him over on a silver platter, because A) I wasn't serious about him, and B) I valued our friendship more... Instead I was actually betrayed, and our friendship ruined unnecessarily...

But that's ancient history, water under the bridge...

You're not a bad person Doc

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Another approach would have been for Christoph to break off the relationship with Elsa before getting himself involved with someone else, and certainly a few months ago when he realized he was in love with you. Did they remain engaged all this time?

We did what we thought was right at the time.

[Bill3]

We did what we thought was right at the time.

Thanks for your reply. How do you think and feel about things now? Do you see yourself as a bad person, do you feel guilty now?

I don't think you are a bad person. However, what you are thinking about yourself and about what happened is in my opinion more significant for your life than what others think about what happened.

[lovefromdover]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

Does this make me a bad person for backstabbing my friend

I don't know, ask her, from what you say she wanted out of the relationship and so did he. Maybe you are the reason they both can be free. Or maybe you are the reason they can no longer be together. You shouldn't blame yourself though; between them... it ain't over till it's over.