[Macd123]

I've always had a number of acquaintances but not many close friends. Relationships have always occurred at a distance - like walking down a beach and seeing people off in the distance. People don't seem to knock at my door -and I spend holidays alone (hate holidays). I make flippant comments to strangers - some smile, some think I'm insane. I tell my stories to grocery store clerks and baristas - a captive audience who smile but don't ask if I'm okay. I get phone calls from telemarketers and medical receptionists - would you like to buy some gold - hello Mr Eaton your doctors appointment is tomorrow, have a nice day. I want to call them back just to hear anybody's voice. Why is it that I feel my distance is farther than most. I have been in love but never really been loved - I don't tell anybody because they just don't believe. I really don't know why I continue since I have no evidence that things will change. Last night I had this dream. I was on a swing set, like a child, watching while this girl I knew walked away with someone else. Even in unconsciousness loneliness is the scheme. She turned and waved - I woke up. Great.

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time right now. Keep posting here--I find it helpful.

[healingme4me]

On the surface dreams aren't usually what they appear to be. Being on a swing set can be an idiom for get back into the swing of things. The friend that waved could bring insight to qualities that are needed to look at further.

Dreams are complex. Feeling of loneliness was the emotion you woke up to.

"Whatever feelings or emotions we meet in dreams, many of them are bound to be habitual responses we have in life. Where these habits are negative we can begin to change them working with the dream images..."(excerpt from: Dream Dictionary-Crisp)

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Macd123]

I can't take the quiet anymore.

[Shadix]

If you have the courage to start conversations with random strangers that is great. I wish I had that kind of courage. Keep doing that and do it more. That is how men are meant to pursue women and it is the best way.

[Bill3]

What if you called a telephone listening hotline?

[Macd123]

About ten years ago I called a hotline about a job crisis. I was actually connecting with a young lady who was trying to help. After the third conversation her supervisor cut in and told me I was taking up too much of her time - I never called another crisis line it was a bad experience.

[Bill3]

Well I actually listen on a hotline and now after 10 years I would encourage you to give it a try again.

I've been listening for quite a number of years and I have never experienced or observed a supervisor cut in at our line. So in my experience that was a most unusual and unfortunate event. And also an unprofessional one: it is not the caller's fault if a call takes "too long". If the supervisor were to critique anyone, it should have been the listener, not you. I'm very sorry that that happened.

We find that callers really appreciate our service and we welcome people who call regularly.

[Nina Simone]

I understand how you feel. For me it's like looking at the world through a haze or water. I see happy people spending time together but no matter what I do I'm not a part of it. For a long time I would offer to take people places and pay for it so I wouldn't have to be alone. I grew tired of that and now I spend my time alone. Maybe they can smell the loneliness and desperation on me and that makes them pause. Maybe I choose the wrong people to be friends with. I wish I could share something positive with you but all I can say is hang in there and hope things will get better. (hugs)

[Raindropvampire]

I'm sure you have probably already tried this but do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Do you enjoy gaming or RPGs? On meetup.com you can find people with similar interests to hang out with.

I had a good friend that was smothering me. I know she didn't mean to but I was her ONLY friend. So I got her signed up on meetup and now she barely has time for me she's met so many other people. She found that she adored playing Pathfinder and Magic the Gathering. Maybe there would be something on there that you would like as well.

[Macd123]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I've been doing the loner thing for so long it feels like home. Recent events made years of hanging in the shadows very painful. Its weird because you turn your head like a curious dog when other people talk about relationships. I've had a few short liaisons but nothing long term. I remember listening to this physicists talk about how you might be the only real thing in the universe and everything around you might be staged just for you. Jesus I hope not because that would make all this a sad monumental underachievement . Peace.

[LittleEarthquakes]

My life is very lonely too. I understand. Feel like I have to go out of my way for human interaction. I look around and it seems to me that everyone is less lonely than I am, that everyone else has friends, but maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.

[Macd123]

Good suggestions and thanks. I've kinda been going through life thinking that better things are just around the corner. I guess that I would like to encourage any young person who is in a similar position that you make an effort now. Time goes by fast and don't let yourself be looking back into empty space. I keep forgetting where I am in life and things like family and growing old with someone are really not there anymore. I find myself looking at young couples in envy - I will never be there. So the violins play, I dance alone, there are paintings to complete and vivid cerebral displays to be had. Again, don't wait.