It's been almost a year since his infidelity, why can't I forgive and forget

In Mary Poppins, there is a moment when the boy asks what his dad - a banker - does at work and the answer is "make money", which the boy cannot comprehend.

Many of the office jobs today are very far removed from that hunting scenario, but your husband, CO (by the way, I recommend you change your userid to "Squirrel" - it is very easy; being a squirrel is so much fun), is building houses. When your child goes to kindergarten and every child gets asked about what their parents do, your child would say that the dad builds houses, and every kid would understand what it means (as opposed to "tracks progress and ensures that milestones are met and escalations are handled according to the established protocol" - for a kid this would be pure gibberish).

So your H is sort of closer to that ancient hunting mindset; he is not a hunter, but he is far closer to a hunter than, say, a bureaucrat. So maybe what OE said applies to him more so than to other men.

PS "squirrel" is taken and there are 12 members whose username includes the word "squirrel", but I am sure you can come up with a creative word play easily.

I think you need to investigate more tbh. He could be leading a double life and he isn't going to change that unless he gets help. It's amazing how a man can make time for a double life and cheating, and getting into drugs/drinking. I know this myself, it happened to me. He should not be sleeping around and then be intimate with you either, that is a health risk for you.

I was tested after his encounter a year ago and then again 6 months later. I did take that precaution. He thought I was being over dramatic about that when I did it because he did say he used protection. I know my man and I know for damn sure he didn't. I am sure that he was trying to make it somehow seem better in some sort of way. But, I think he understood why I was getting tested because I could trust nothing he told me.

He does drink. His parents are drinkers. He was raised that a few beers everyday after a long work day is ok. I don't actually mind if he drinks a beer or two every day. That is not his problem. I have no belief that his drinking and drug use are correlated. One did not have an impact on the other. His drug use started as a way to numb his back which has an inoperable compressed disc in his back. It got out of hand and as many people do, he turned to heroin because the pain pills were very expensive. He has never been honest with me about the extent of his drug use before the rehab program. He does not talk about it. I do know the signs thou and I am well aware when he is using because of spending years with it. I have no doubt in my mind that he is clean from heroin at the moment. He is really focusing on his business and he has been giving me more than what is needed to pay bills. He keeps a minimal amount in hos pocket for gas and random pops from the gas station.

He very much so comes from the caveman philosophy. He has used that as an excuse for his infidelity instances before marriage and this one last year. He tells me constantly it goes against nature for any man to be with only one woman,. That men are the breeders and are designed to spread their seed. I get that but if that is what you want and what makes you happy, why marry someone. Spread your seed all you want and stay single.

I wish I could help him with his depression and low self-esteem. I can't. I have tried. I try to talk him up and tell him he is sexy and I thank him when he does random chores. I tell him how great his work is when he shows me a completed project. I tell him he is smart when we do have conversations where that may apply. He is unresponsive to my notions. There is really nothing I can do.

I guess I am at the end of my rope and waiting for it to spring back up a little or just snap and break. Unfortunately he will be on the suboxone until his last taper down which should happen sometime in February. I know it is a mind altering drug he is taking and I am holding onto hope that he is magically going to become the man I fell in love with again. This will all be a bad dream and in time I will forget about the terrible things he has put me through. Right now February is so close but seems a lifetime away!

PS- I am going to change my username!

I agree with you in that if his philosophy is spreading his seeds around then he should not have gotten married and started a family.

Cheatedon - I read every word of this thread because parts of it are too familiar, and no one has offered my perspective - I am more similar to your husband in some ways. I cheated on my now-fiance several times with different people. Because they were attractive and I wanted to see if I could get with them, and because I was drunk or manic. Never if I was sober, though that doesn't make it excusable. Well I don't know your husband, but for me, if I am in a bad place, I also outwardly brush off compliments and kind words, but they mean the world to me. I resisted medication for my bipolar disorder - even in the throes of psychosis, mania, and major depression. But my fiancé kept at it. He pushed me until I hated him, I truly did, but once I felt better I loved him even more for not giving up.

I had correspondence with people I had cheated with, and tried to hide the screen similarly to your husband.

What my fiancé did that worked was just keep trying. He just kept calm and steered me towards treatment as much as he could. I would start medications, then stop them, countless times, on various meds. But if I couldn't give a real reason (I.e. blurry/worsening vision, splitting headache), he would try to make me take it until I felt better. Which was awful, until I felt better, and then I couldn't believe I was getting by with excuses to myself like "I don't feel right on the medicine."

I don't know if that helps, obviously the situations aren't totally analogous, but nobody else has offered a viewpoint on your husband's side.

Yet he tells me he wants no other woman now (since the incident, when I left and told him I didn't want to see him). And this is why my brain is on overload. So really which is it?!? And now I see that its been a back and forth for him all these years.

For me it wasn't so black and white. I would start out committed to being faithful, then sleep with someone because they were cute and I happened to be in a bad place. Eventually that stopped, but if I was in a bad place, I would send someone a picture or start a sexually themed conversation. Then I stopped myself from that, and now if I'm in a bad place, which doesn't happen so often anymore, I text/email/call an old flame but nothing sexual is discussed, it's a just friends conversation, which still makes my fiancé uncomfortable, so I'm still working on avoiding that.

It was never a back and forth, more like I love my man and want so desperately to be faithful to him, but when I'm sad and he's not making me feel better (because he works 40hrs per week and is attending school, so limited time) I reach out to others, and that used to be in a sexual way, because that was the quickest way to feel validated, now it's platonic only, and I'm still working on steering away from old flames.

I should explain more clearly. It's not "i'm sad." It's i'm feeling terrible and I hate myself so much and he (fiance) doesn't care. (usually hes just busy) I want to feel okay so I don't have to go any farther down, where there's only despair and the desire to end things.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, unicornlady. My question thou, is what is your relationship like with your fiance now? Does he have trust in you?

I read today that 75 percent of marriages with infidelity end. That was a shocking number to me. I take statistics with a grain of salt, but the number seemed a little high. The odds are definitely not in my husband and my favor, if this is true.

He is home and not really talking to me again tonight. He is leaving town for business the week after next and will only be home for Christmas and New year's. He will be on this project roughly a month. It's sad I am looking forward to the break from this everyday cycle we go through lately.

I know he trusts me in general, but I just asked him how it was with regard to cheating. He said he trusts me completely unless I'm manic.

Hopefully when your husband comes back, things will get better...

75%? To me, that seems right for America, but high for the rest of the world.

I left out a crucial point with regard to the cheating question.

I always told my fiance within 24 hours of anything physical happening. If I was out of town, I would call him the next day. If I was in town, I would tell him the first time I saw him. So he didn't have to worry about whether I was hiding physical cheating.

I did hide email/text/picture communication, however, so that part is probably about the same as for your situation, and he trusts me not to do that.