wedding - how much would you contribute?

Everyone's opinion would be greatly appreciated.

This subject will soon come up in my life and I haven't a clue how to handle it.

How much would you contribute to your son's wedding?

Given you have already given your son college money, helped out with many vechicles, given money to get out of scraps and you now find yourself on disability.
That your son only stops by to get stuff he has stored at your house, that his girlfriend really doesn't like you and has made your ex-husband her "best friend".

Is there a "norm" in this situation? There are 4 parents - all divorced - 2 are on disability, the other 2 are not making more than 30,000.

My son -22 and his girlfriend -23 make together in the 23,000 range. His girlfriend has this dream wedding in mind - she won't accept help in the lines of helping to make things for the wedding.

So what would be appropriate?

Thank you,
freewill

After all that you've given him, I'd say -- you have a job -- you pay for your own wedding! He's over 18 and beyond your legal responsibility to take care of, and it doesn't sound like he's appreciated anything you've done for him. If you had some extra money and chose to give it to him as a gift, that would be one thing, but from what you describe, given both your situations, you owe him nothing.

Candy

Well personally im only 18 but im going on instinct...so if you take it good if you dont..id understand....It really depends on how well your relationship is with him...if its really good then maybe ask your ex..yes i know crazy...but you two put money together in the name of your son for his honeymoon? If you cant afford it..which on disability i can understand...maybe offer to pay for like the flower bill? or just one of the vendors? Its alot less money but in the end paying off one of the vendors will help ease the stress of the Bride to be and your son...those vendors are demanding...lol....maybe get together with all of the parents...and put some money together..put aside your differences...and just put all your money together..and whatever you come up with give it to the bride and groom to be and let them decide how to use it...say its from the four of you...or 5 if you didnt include yourself....And then maybe give them a card and a little present just for them to open something nice....like a blender...or some kitchen ware? If they arent happy with that...and complain then it is not your fault that THEY have bad manners...and are being completely rude for not being happy with what they got due to all of your circumstances....Good Luck and keep us posted!!! I hope i helped alittle...

Hi there -- Here is something that may help. It is consistent with my traditionalist (or old fogey) point of view.

It appears that the groom's family is not obligated to pay anything. How much you give to your son is up to you, IMHO. You certainly are not required to give the bride her dream wedding; that's her family's job.

I agree with you wants2fly! either her family pay for the "dream wedding" or they happy couple pays for it themselves. most do these days now but they are only making around 23000 together? personally I don't think they can afford to get married right now. jmo

I don't know ... I think the idea of a traditional white wedding is lovely, but then it isn't my thing at all so I suppose I don't place so much importance on it.

Personally things like paying off mortgage or world travel are more important to me. I have seen so many stressed brides that you wonder if it's all worth it - I suppose you get good photos ... heh.

Some friends of mine had a small wedding, a small formal dinner, then threw a massive party with all their DJ friends spinning and all their friends in attendance, free venue and a bartab. Certainly not an expensive wedding but an absolute fantastic way to do things.

Having gotten married within the last couple of years (at age 24), both of our parents contributed. We did not pay for much. However, that is usually one of the first things to figure out- how much can parents contribute or better yet, how much are they willing to? You are NOT obligated to pay for anything (except as was stated, it is TRADITION to do a groom's dinner). ANyways, as I was saying, once everyone (including the bride and groom) know what is "on the table", THEN they can plan around that budget. They can't just say, "Hey, I want a dream wedding with 300 guests". You plan a wedding around what you have to work with, same with much of life. And that will be a lesson to them- you want a dream wedding, figure out a way to put more on the table yourselves. You want a better car, house, etc, same sort of deal. You can't rely on your parents after 18 to fulfill your dreams so to speak.

Anyways, you obviously are caring and feel pressured already since you are posting it. I would honestly just put it out there- "I wish I could do more, but X is the max I can contribute" and if he doesn't understand with your financial situation and all you've already done for him, then maybe this is a good lesson for him because he should NOT feel entitled to your help anymore.

Also, if you can't contribute much financially, see if there are other ways you can help- decorating, organizing, planning, etc. Some of that is priceless, although sometimes brides feel the less the mother-in-law helps with those sorts of things, the better! Sometimes they want your help financially but do not want your help or input...

Stay strong and good luck!

Theoretically the brides parents pay for the wedding and the grooms, for the party the night before, after the rehersal (the rehersal dinner with all the out of town guests and family).

I would wait and see what the young people come ask for? I don't know how they're planning to have the wedding or where/how much it should cost, etc. Usually the bride's mother and bride do most of the planning based on what the bride and her parents can afford? It's nice she wants a big wedding but if no one can afford that. . .

I helped finance a friend's daughter's wedding (they already owed us money so we added to it) and that daughter's wedding (4-5ish years ago?) was probably only 1/4-1/3rd what my own cost in 1989.

When I was married (my parents paying even though I was 39) my father-in-law I think gave us $500 or something, wanted us to buy a microwave oven (which I didn't particularly want :-) but my husband and I paid for the rehearsal dinner which was something like $1500-$2000 if I recall. I planned it.

But I guess it depends on what you can afford/want to give! In some areas I was very lucky; my wedding dress was only $120 and French silk (which my stepmother had to alter to fit me right) and the bridesmaid dresses were off the rack and only $65 I think apiece at a department store and I know a couple of my bridesmaids still wear them. It's fine to want a "fancy" wedding but there are some things that don't have to cost that much.

First i would offer your son the money NOT to marry this girl.
Seems to me she isnt very thoughtful or considerate of anyone else's feelings but her own. I am almost 40, married 15 years and we paid for my dream wedding ourselves. Our parents gave us a gift of what they could afford and no feelings were hurt.If she wants to get all traditional on you. HA! then the jokes on her, the brides family pays for most and they even should pay your family for marrying their selfish daughter.

goodluck to you i have a feeling your gonna need it with this girl.

My daughter got married 3 years ago. The grooms parents offered to pay for the flowers at first, but never brought it up again so we paid. They did pay for the rehearsal dinner & the carriage ride to the hotel for the first night & their first night at the hotel of their honeymoon. Basically, we paid for everything else--the food, the photogropher, their calligraphy, the invitations, gifts for the out-ot-town guests, a brunch after the wedding, the fee for the judge (non-church wedding), the venue, the band, numerous things--the cake, you get the picture. It ran $30,000.00 dollars!

Oh, a P.S. I don't think the groom's family is "obligated": except for the rehearsal dinner & corsages.--Suzy

Sorry, I forgot to include this link that tells who traditionally pays for which wedding expenses.

Who Pays for the Wedding?

(((freewill))),
I agree that you are under no obligation--nor for that matter is the bride's family, in my opinion.

I will just tell you what happened with my parents and mother in law who were all on fixed incomes when I was getting married.

When I got married my husband and I paid for a small, very modest wedding. We had no expectation that my parents or his mother would contribute. They did give us checks for $1000 and $500 as wedding presents which we considered very generous given their financial circumstances.
Your situation seems more difficult since the relationship is strained already. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Meta

Hi freewill,
I do hear your worry. I agree with the rest of the posters that you are not obligated. You do only what you are comfortable doing. That may mean that you simply buy them a gift and wish them all the best. Your son knows your situation and can't possibly expect you to finance their wedding. I would stress to him that you can't give what you don't have. He should be able to understand at his age...

Stay firm!
Okie

You guys are all great - thank you so much....

(((((hugs))))
freewill

Nowdays, it is all up for grabs...and since the bride is not open to alternatives, then the two of them will have to make do somehow... you don't HAVE to pay for anything, btw... It is an offer to pay for the wedding party dinner etc. But it is often that the couple makes their own plans and goes into debt for it. You can make an offer in the form of a check and say that's all you can do. Don't over give, for that makes for ill feelings on your part when they share that it isn't enough. This doesn't have a good sound from the get go... sure hope it works out. Let's say you know it won't, NOW how much do you want to contribute? TC and good wishes.

do what you can, from the heart, and "let it go"........xoxoxox pat